Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-16
Uploaded: 2017-06-23T06:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-23. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-16

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 22nd, 2016.
What's going on? How are ya?
Once again, I've got computer issues here that I've got to get fixed when I get
back to Los Angeles.
I am in Seattle, Washington right now, which I've got to tell you, man,
if you come to Seattle in May or June when the sun is out, it's like you'll
want to live here.
It really is one of the most beautiful cities in the United States.
If you can just deal with overcast skies from like October through April,
and these people pay the price, but when the sun comes out, it's fucking
unbelievable.
So I'm here with Nate Craig, who's been crushing it this whole fucking tour,
and we just went out to get something to eat.
So like a couple of tourists, we go, you want to go down to the fisherman place
where they're throwing the fish and everything?
So we're like, yeah.
So we start walking down there, and of course it's mobbed.
And I say to him, I go, you realize that nobody from Seattle fucking goes down
here,
you know, unless they're on like a first date or, you know,
your dad and mom are taking you down there to go see it.
But I would think that you would avoid it.
So we didn't go all the way down there, and we just kind of kept walking.
And we got a little bit, you know, we walked along that main drag,
and we just got a little bit away from it.
And after wading into that sea of fucking humanity, I was literally like,
dude, I will eat mediocre food if I don't have to stand in a line
that can actually sit down like a human being.
I know the food is good, but I just don't understand.
You're standing in like a fucking bread line,
like it's the middle of a war or some shit, all right?
You live in the United States of America.
We don't stand in fucking line for food.
We waddle our fat asses up.
You just hand it to me.
So I'm not going to name the place, but I went to this place.
It was halfway.
The bread fucking stunk.
You know what I mean?
How do you make fucking king crab only taste okay?
You know how you have shitty bread.
Other than that, it was definitely a good time.
And such a beautiful city, despite all the dirty white people up here.
There's a major fucking, you know, I want to avoid using the word grunge.
I think that was just a nice way.
Just fucking, there is some dirty fucking white people up here.
I don't understand it.
Just there in Denver.
Those are the two filthiest white people that actually have money.
Like you have too much money to be that filthy.
Like when you go to Denver, those fucking dreadlocked, like man sandal wearing.
Like always looking like you just got off a fucking, one of those blow up tubes,
you know.
Smoking your fucking weed.
Whatever they're doing out there.
You know, hairy armpit type of shit.
Worse than San Francisco.
I don't mind any of those styles.
If you bathe.
I mean, it's 2016.
Jesus Christ.
Up here, it's like they're like, this is probably just me being an old man.
I can't honestly say none of them smelled, but they just, they look like, you
know, you wouldn't want to borrow anything that they used.
Why am I starting off this mean?
I started off so nice.
I was saying how beautiful it is.
It's such a, the layout of the city is fucking perfect.
And they, even with their new stadiums that they made.
Like, I actually am old school as far as, I loved it back when they just had
the Kingdome.
You know, and they had that great, like, when the Seattle Supersonics had like,
you know, the skyline.
I know that they had the Space Needle and I believe they had the Kingdome there.
Unless it was supposed to be Key Arena.
I have no idea.
But those two arenas were and are two of the coolest places ever.
I saw a Seattle Supersonics game there the last year they were there.
And it was Kevin Durant's first year.
Somewhere, I don't know.
I have a picture of him in the Seattle Seahawks, Seattle Seahawks, Seattle
Super, Seattle Sonics, I should say, uniform.
And then back in the day, when I was just doing college gigs, traveling the
road by myself, driving a Chrysler, Chrysler K car there.
I went to a game, Seattle Mariners game at the Kingdome and Ken Griffey Jr. was
still on the team.
That's how long ago it was.
This was like the late 90s, possibly early 2000s.
I forget when he went to the Reds.
But I deliberately, I bought us one single center field seat and I got almost
like the front row.
I think I was the second row.
And this is some sports fan geek shit.
I sat there because not only did I want to watch Griffey play, but I also
wanted to, like every night on SportsCenter, whenever they showed a game at the
Kingdome and somebody hit a home run, it was like this weird little runway,
like aisleway.
And you'd see people chasing after the ball.
And I wanted the opportunity to do that, which I did all by myself.
I didn't get the fucking ball.
And so whatever.
But having said all that, if you ever visit Seattle in May or June and it's all
sunny and you're like, oh, my God, I could live here.
Make sure you come back in like January or December or some one of those
fucking, you know, I understand Kurt Cobain now.
One of those months.
But anyways, we're we're performing there tonight.
I'm recording this podcast Sunday afternoon because I got to get back and go
back to the writer's room.
Working on episode five, everybody.
Five out of number 10.
And once we get this one done, it's all downhill from there.
Really excited about this episode.
And I don't know.
I'm hoping you guys are going to like it.
But anyways, so big thank you to everybody who came on to Edmonton last night
and who went out to Calgary.
Calgary.
Might have been the best sound I've ever heard.
At a show.
I was standing backstage and Nate Craig.
Was on stage.
I mean, the backstage air.
And usually in most venues, when you're standing to the side of the stage, you
can barely understand the person.
Just the way the sound is bouncing around.
I'm sure it's fine in the house.
But like, you know, so many times I'll be with Bartnick or Verzi or something.
They'll literally just be like, dude, you hear that new bit?
Bit I did about blah, blah, blah.
I was like, you know, I was trying to, but I couldn't quite hear it because of
the sound.
I was standing almost like directly behind where and behind the curtain where
Nate was on stage.
And I could hear the guy absolutely perfectly.
And it was just, oh, it was fucking awesome.
It was just a great gig.
Both of the gigs.
And then the next day, you know, we got up, we drove up to Edmonton, which
believe it or not, I've done that drive like three times.
And just beautiful, beautiful fucking country up in Canada.
Absolutely gorgeous.
I would go out of my fucking mind.
I think if I did the road enough, though, if I just flew to other places, then
I could come back.
That's how I really view all these places, you know, that are considered the
middle of nowhere.
They're like these paradises.
But I think I would lose my mind if all I did was live out there.
Like, I understand the people when they come up to you, they're like, oh, my
God, I want to get out of here.
You know, this is the middle of fucking nowhere.
And I'm always, you know, coming from L.A. where everybody's living on top of
each other and we have no water and shit.
I'm like, dude, you are living in the Garden of Eden.
Okay, this is as good as it gets as far as natural resources, four seasons and
that type of shit.
Although it was cold as fuck when we were up there.
It's for May anyways.
I mean, the last night in Edmonton, it was actually sleeting.
It's fucking crazy.
But we ended up driving, obviously, up to Edmonton and that night at the gig.
This might have been the weirdest fucking venue I've played in a long time.
It was essentially, I took a picture of it.
It was essentially a giant tent that had a little bit of an upper deck in the
back.
And there was no carpeting.
Like, behind me, they didn't, they had all this fucking equipment for the
lights and everything.
And they usually, they dress it up.
They put a curtain there so people don't have to look at it.
But they didn't.
It was like this giant eyesore behind me.
And I was standing on like this concrete slab that had no carpeting, no nothing.
The floor was all concrete.
They just had chairs.
The sides of the walls.
I don't know what they were made of.
All I know was I was on stage.
I felt like I was like screaming in a giant garage.
Like, I, it seemed loud to me, but I couldn't tell if it was loud.
I didn't see anybody complaining.
But like, my ears are kind of ringing today.
And I got a couple of tweets, people were saying like, like, dude, you sounded
like you were yelling into a megaphone, into a microphone.
So my apologies.
I wish somebody had mentioned something on one of the shows.
I would have toned it down.
But sometimes when you're up there, you can't hear yourself.
But I ended up, I sent a picture to Nia.
And I should have had the tweet, the message she sent me, the text that she
sent me.
She said, that looks like a venue where one of those, those fake televangelists,
you know, have plants in the crowd.
And they go to like, cure them and shit.
And I'll post a picture of it.
And as always, I always say I'll fucking do it.
Then I never do.
But I'll try to do it this time.
You know what?
Whatever.
If you follow the MMP on fucking, on Twitter, maybe it'll be up there.
I have no idea.
But before I go any further, I forgot to mention, the All Things Comedy Network
is really doing.
Doing well.
Because I'm a terrible businessman.
I never bring it up.
But we've got some people to invest in it.
We're going to start creating some more content and that type of stuff.
And, you know, really try to, you know, join forces with other comics and
hopefully make some comics, some money off of that thing and get you guys some
good comedy.
Everybody works.
We keep the big fuckos out of the way, you know.
Or at the very least, you know, keep them from taking the rights of everybody's
fucking shows, you know.
That always seems to be like the business plan.
Like, okay, yeah, we'll invest.
All right, we own everything.
You work for us.
You go fuck yourself.
We'll sleep in bed and make mailbox money.
And you'll be on the road when you're 90.
Sound good?
No, it doesn't.
Well, it's going to be good exposure.
That's what they always say.
There's a lot of young comics out there.
Anytime anybody tries to pay you an exposure, anytime they say it's good
exposure, that means you're getting fucked.
All right.
Also, this Thursday, I'm doing a charity show.
This Thursday, 8 p.m. at the Comedy Store.
100% of the money goes towards helping children who are fighting cancer to have
as normal of childhood as possible while they're going through the treatment
and all that.
The tickets are available at the Comedy Store.
After the show, we'll put up a link for anyone who can't make it if they want
to donate.
Steve Simone puts the thing together, and he's been doing great things.
He's been having comics go to hospitals and stuff like that.
This is a charity that I can get behind, which brings me back to the mysterious
Red Nose Campaign.
So a bunch of people were looking into that, found it very vague, and now I
guess it helps out poor children.
That's why you have the clown noses, which is hilarious to me because I think
it's pretty much mainstream knowledge that clowns kind of scare the shit out of
most children and a lot of adults.
I just don't understand why you've got to have this stupid clown nose.
What are you going to do with that fucking thing other than just throw it out,
and then it's going to be, you know, it's going to end up in the fucking ocean
and then back in the fish that you eat.
It's so fucking dumb.
Like, it's not enough to just say, listen, we are helping out poor children.
Do people still say, nah, I don't want to do that?
You've got to be like, well, what if we give you a little Red Nosey Nose?
And you're like, oh, okay, that so