Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 5-26-16
Uploaded: 2017-06-28T06:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-26-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-26-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-28. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 5-26-16

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
How's it going? How are you? How's your week going? Oh, that's wonderful.
Now, I know a lot of you guys last Monday were very upset with me when I was
speaking in code, and you just couldn't, you know, about my European tour.
You were like, well, wait a minute. It rhymes with Bund in Mingland. Well,
where the hell would that be? I'm not some sort of sleuth.
I can't figure that stuff out. I got to start breaking down code. This isn't
what I signed up for.
I signed up to listen to an angry half a leprechaun, you know, bitch about
getting a sunburn.
All right, well, I can actually announce some dates. I don't know why I can't
announce all of them.
I don't know what the big fucking secret is. It's not like I'm going to go over
there to start spying on you.
But here's the ones we got so far. Actually, that the tickets are going to go
on sale.
I don't even know how to fucking say these places.
Colston, C-O-L-S-T-O-N Hall in Bristol, UK.
Announced 525 at 10 a.m.
All right, so the tickets are on sale.
Oh, this is when I announce it.
Well, I'm announcing it on the 26th.
The tickets will go on sale on May 27th at 10 a.m. BST, whatever the fuck that
means.
Britain Standard Time?
I don't know.
Billy's Stupid Tits?
I have no idea.
You can get those at livenation.com, artist slash billbird dash, whatever.
The link is on my website.
That's going to be August 3rd.
On August 4th, I'm going to be in fucking Manchester.
Manchester, England.
Home of Man United.
I'm going to be there on August 4th.
And those tickets will also go on sale on the 26th.
That's the pre-sale.
To sell subscribers only.
Whatever the fuck that means.
I don't know what any of this shit means.
For all you normal people, I guess who don't have cell phones, for all the old
people,
tickets for everybody else will go on sale on May 27th at 10 a.m.
Billy Stupid Tits time.
August 5th.
Where am I going to be next?
I'm going to be in London, England at the Apollo Hammersmith.
These things go on sale at, once again, May 27th at 10 a.m.
Britain Standard Time.
God Save the Queen time.
I don't know.
And August 8th, I'm going to be in Edinburgh, Scotland.
The Fox, the fucking podcast.
Sorry for the bad accent.
Pleasance Grand.
Two shows there.
I think I'm doing two in London, too.
I can't remember.
I don't fuck.
I don't pretend to know these things.
Those will also go on sale on May 27th at 10 a.m.
All right.
And I got some dates.
I got three dates in Ireland, too.
And I got something in Amsterdam.
I think that'll be it.
Nice little 10-day fucking run there.
Go over there.
You know, stare at you pasty cunts and see where my freckles came from.
That's what I'm doing.
Oh, I can't wait.
I cannot fucking wait.
You know?
We are knee-deep, neck-deep into writing this season.
We got the table read here in a couple hours for episode 5.
Episode 5.
Then we do 6, 7, 8 in June.
And then 9 and 10 in July.
And then we fucking edit them for the next 10 months.
Not even 10 months.
Whatever.
For the next 6 months, we'll be editing all this fucking shit.
And we'll basically have them.
And then they'll come out May of next year.
And you guys will sit down with a six-pack of beer.
And you'll burn through them in about three hours.
And then be like, where the fuck's the next one?
And you know what?
We'll make you some more.
Because we're having a great time.
But I'm not going to lie to you.
It has become my life.
And I don't know what the fuck's going on at all.
I know that Donald Trump was here yesterday.
Having a rally down in fucking Anaheim.
Which I thought was pretty perfect for him to be heading down towards Orange
County.
With whatever the fuck it is on his head.
To talk to a bunch of people that, you know, whatever the fuck they did to
their face.
You know, I swear to God.
Hollywood gets so much shit for like, you know, like everybody out here has
plastic surgery.
I'm not saying they don't.
But at least it's decent.
Jesus Christ.
You go down to fucking Orange County.
With all those real housewives and those Bruce Jenner looking dudes.
You know what I mean?
Remember when Bruce was still Bruce?
Remember when Caitlyn was still Bruce?
And the dude had his eyes done, you know, and the nose and all that.
They all had like those fucking, I think I did a bit about that in my act.
They all had the Bruce Jenner eyes.
And I thought it was bullshit.
I was, you know.
You know, when my wife would watch the real housewives of Orange County, I'd be
like,
all right, they picked the six biggest psycho couples they could find.
People down here don't look like this.
And then I went down to Irvine.
I was playing the improv and I walked around the mall and I was like, wait a
minute.
Wait a minute.
These fucking people, I don't know what they're doing out here.
I think when you get into warmer climates and people have to wear less clothes,
they really start doing the plastic surgery shit.
You know what I mean?
All you guys in those winter climates, you can hide in your puffy coats.
You know?
Sport coat, button-down shirt.
I'll never forget that.
When I used to work in a warehouse, when I was a young lad.
Full head of hair, fucking abs.
The whole thing.
Half as many freckles, you know?
Sunny outlook on life.
Oh, it was a long time ago.
I remember once a year we'd have the company picnic.
And all these fucking suits who looked like they were in at least halfway
decent shape.
They'd show up.
They'd show up in t-shirts and holy shit.
Jesus Christ.
The fucking rolls.
Just fucking spilling out.
Pushing out the fucking t-shirts.
It was horrific.
I just remember looking at these people going, this guy's running the company?
I'm taking orders from this tub of shit and they could feel it too.
They could feel it.
They felt the eyes.
Looking at them.
Shame.
You could shame people.
You could fat shame people back in 88, 89.
Not anymore.
Not anymore.
Now I'm the problem, right?
It's not their fucking 8,000 calories a day.
You know?
It's what happened to them when they were six.
That's why they're eating fucking ice cream with candy bars in it.
Um, sorry.
Anyways.
Let's plow ahead here.
Yeah, so I have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on at anywhere, at
any time,
anything.
All I know is I'm in a fucking writer's room.
Now evidently, meet me in St. Louis, Louis.
Meet me at the fair.
Evidently, my St. Louis Blues lost last night.
You know?
They came back.
They tied it up.
Four games.
Two games to two.
And that's the last game I saw because I've been stuck in this fucking room and
I forgot
to tape the last couple of times.
Um, you know, because we, you know, we had one every once in a while, you just
have a
fucking story and you're trying to do it.
Everybody's got 15,000 notes.
You know, this isn't tracking.
It's not on the page.
I don't think we earned this.
What's the motivation?
You got to raise the stakes.
And for those of you not in the business, that means you're not going to see
anybody you
love for the next 48 hours.
So I missed everything.
Evidently, according to people on Twitter, the Sharks gave the Blues.
The old right there, Fred.
In game five and six, sit down and shut the fuck up.
My condolences to Blues fans.
Um, I know you wanted more, but, uh, great season.
You know, you beat the fucking Blues.
You beat the fucking Stars.
And then you lost to the fucking Sharks.
All right?
And I believe it was Meatloaf who said, two out of three.
Sorry.
Um, yeah, that's fucking brutal, man.
Especially when you get that deep into the playoffs and then it's just,
fucking over and then you're just sitting there like, now what do I do?
Well, you live in St. Louis.
This is what you do.
You go to a Cardinals game and you watch the Rams pack up and leave your city.
And this is what you should do.
Rather than crying in your fucking Peyton Manning partially owned beer, um,
what you should do is, uh, you guys ought to fucking talk to the Arizona Cardinals.
Tell them to come back.
You know?
I mean, that's what I would do.
Oh, would you, Bill?
No, I wouldn't.
I wouldn't even know how to begin.
I wouldn't even know how to begin to go about doing something like that.
Yeah, I mean, I would have no idea.
I have no idea how to go about anything.
I'm one of those fucking guys.
You know what you should do?
You should fucking do this.
Oh, yeah.
How do you do that?
You know, I'm like, I'm like Donald Trump, except I'm not running for president.
You know, I'll build a fucking wall between here and Mexico.
I'm going to make Mexico pay for it.
Oh, yeah?
How are you going to do that, Donald?
Ah!
That fucking guy.
Can you fucking believe that that, I mean, it's, it's, it's, that and Hillary
Clinton.
I cannot believe people are going to fucking vote for either one of them.
I just cannot fucking believe it.
Unfucking believable.
They'll vote for Hillary Clinton.
And they'll put her in fucking office and then bitch that nothing changed.
How many fucking times?
Remember that shit?
Ah, we're going to fucking, we got a new guy.
We got hope.
It's going to end the war.
Close down Guantanamo, bitch.
Nothing fucking, nothing changed.
It's the exact fucking same thing.
Then he got this fucking jerk off.
He was just, all he just says is no matter what you bring up.
Hey, Donald, what's up with your shirt?
This is the best shirt.
I have the best shirts.
I'll have the best shirts of any president ever.
And there's a fucking zillion people losing their fucking minds going, this guy,
this guy's going to turn it around.
I guess he said the other day he took a physical.
He's 69 years old.
And he said the doctor said he had the, I have, he said, I had the, I have the
best body.
The best body of any 69 year old he's ever seen.
Like, how do you not see like, you know what he's like?
Remember that guy who wrote the twist?
Come on, baby.
Let's do the twist, right?
And then next summer he comes out.
Hey, write another hit song.
Twist again like we did last summer.
It's the same fucking song.
The guy actually referenced back like, you know, do you remember when I wrote
the same song?
It was a year ago.
Um, the fuck was that guy's name?
I know it wasn't Charlie Pride.
Chubby Checker.
You know what's worse about any time you bring up Chubby Checker, then somebody
always has to tell you the story of how he got his name.
Well, you know, it was Fats Domino, so they said Fats, Chubby, Domino, Checker.
Yes, everybody's heard that story.
We all saw Dick Clark tell that story, and then everybody told it in the
fucking bars, you cunts.
Um, anyway, so, oh, I haven't given you guys the update on my sciatica.
Sciatica, uh, oh, oh, oh, oh, sciatica.
Um, I think I found the cure for it.
I have not sat down for more than fucking, I don't know, six seconds for the
last like 48 hours, and it seems to be doing wonders for me.
Um, that's the hardest thing about having sciatica.
Other than when I drive to the fucking office and come back, um, I basically
stand up in the writer's room, and when I'm sick of standing, I just lay down
on the floor like one of those fucking animals at the airport.
Some of the pictures you guys are sending me, too, are fucking hilarious.
This guy sent me one where this guy was like, you know, they have the row of
chairs.
He was sleeping underneath them, like, perpendicular to them.
So he had his legs, his ass, and his lower back were underneath the chair,
laying on his front, and then he was, like, holding on to, like, his hooded
sweatshirt that he was using as a pillow.
He had that all wrapped with his head on the side, like, uh, like a little kid
sleeping with a stuffed animal.
Um, I mean, gee, like, how long has your flight been delayed that you, you just
lost that much, I don't know, respect for yourself that you're gonna fucking
lay down?
I mean, who's kidding who?
I mean, I get on a plane every once in a while, it's a long fucking flight, you
know?
You might 