Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 6-29-17
Uploaded: 2017-06-30T15:53:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-29-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-29-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-30. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 6-29-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before
friday monday morning podcast and i am just checking in on you who's that
checking in on you
you cunt sorry i'm in new york you know all of a sudden you're just gonna start
doing your little
sinatra vibe um dude i'm going out and i'm buying a new pair of sneakers today
dude what are you
gonna get dude you're gonna get the jordan fives dude i don't know what i'm
gonna get you know i'm
gonna i'm getting some old man running sneakers i need some workout sneakers
you know how about the
ones that were on better call saw for the old ladies did you guys watch the
rest of that uh
series did you see it yet can i ruin it for you i'm gonna tell you in the last
episode in the last scene
when the guy says just trying to get all you guys to scamper for your pause
buttons
no no no no no i didn't watch it yet people literally run out of the room
people run out
of the room when you start talking about a show they haven't seen the last
episode yet of they do that
you know what i mean but if you just sit there and you're somebody rips a fart
people just put a
shirt over their nose ah who did that you're literally inhaling air from this
guy's ass you
know and that doesn't make you leave the room but if so god forbid somebody
brings up the last episode
of a show you haven't seen everybody runs out like the building's on fire um it
is a perfect
perfect day in new york city the breeze dude this breeze top five breezes ever
this breeze my top five
ever that's a fursy thing fursy would actually rank his breezes top five breezes
ever dude i was sitting
there i had on a pair of jordan sixes with the v-neck with the chain on the
outside over over waitress
came up to me she could barely take my order she couldn't she couldn't even
like she was taking in
the whole thing it was ridiculous new pair of guest jeans over
oh anyways um yeah so i'm up in port chester i don't know what port chester is
i know west chester
there's east chester and evidently there's port chester which i believe is just
connecticut i'm there
tonight i'm there tomorrow and then i'm there on saturday and then i'm done and
then i'm back and uh i'll
tell you right now you have not experienced loneliness till you have a kid and
then you
leave my favorite part of the day is when my kid wakes up you know what i mean
because like they're
super rested and they just you know life hasn't beaten them down yet they don't
have any credit card
debt they don't got some psycho blowing up their phone they don't have this
they gotta do
some fucking receipt they have to find they got they got not they the look of
contentment on her face
you know when you go down when you go to give her a kiss like she lifts all of
her limbs come up
like a baby's ability to do leg lifts i don't know how the if i tried to do
what she did just
straight up just lifts them right up i don't get it sit there sucking their
toes evidently i was that
flexible at one point tell you that a couple million miles in the back of the
plane that'll that'll take
the infant right out of you that'll take the sparkle right out of your eye um
that's what i miss the
most so that i always face time with my lovely lady and um that's the best it's
the best but it sucks when
i'm on the road but i just out here being like you know what i'm earning money
someday so when she has
to go to private fucking uh kindergarten for 90 grand a year or whatever the
hell it costs because
evidently if she goes to a public school she's going to get stabbed you know
what happened what
happened to the public schools was it the computers is that what it was
everybody had to have a tablet
a laptop some sort of interface is that what happened and went right through
the fire and then all of a
sudden we couldn't keep up with china how the is china beating us the overhead
of a billion
people alone i mean we should be like we should get everything at a 60 discount
over here as far as
educating our own people does it make any sense does any of it make any sense
does it make any sense how
so many people are struggling out there and they just keep building these
luxury apartments and these
giant goddamn houses who are these people right and they oh yeah it's money
from russia it's running from
china it's oil money from the middle east now listen i don't know what to do
about china i don't know
what to do about russia and i don't know what to do about the middle east but
that's not going to stop
me from telling you what to do about all these things i just ate why is my
stomach grumbling um
this is all you got to do for the middle east okay all we do is we just you you
embrace solar power
that's it how do we do that how do we do that with the oil companies if
somebody
if we actually went in a solar direction wouldn't a bunch of planes start
crashing that had the leaders
of the solar movement on them yes that would definitely happen they would
definitely take
them out so what do you do this is what you do you give the sun to the oil
people
okay you drop a contract and you say the sun is yours all right now what are
they going to do with
the sun they can't put it out they can't touch it it'll burn their hands but
they just
make the money off the uh the solar power okay and they could just somehow
handle that those people in
the middle east are sitting on a bunch of goop that they could make money off
of if they could just
seamlessly walk away from that if i was president i would literally give oil
companies federal grants
to get the solar thing going you guys own the sun i would just keep walking but
you own the sun
and they'd be sitting but what about the stuff in the stuff with the middle
east over dude that stuff
all right you know what that stuff is that that stuff's like uh the stuff it's
like an atari
it's like the reebok pump nobody gives a okay this is the new
shit this is the new we're giving you the sun sun you understand that you own
the center of this solar
system all right and every little bit of heat that comes off that thing that
trickles down onto my
freckled bald goddamn head you own you put a meter right on my back i don't
give a
shit okay and i know what you guys are thinking ah bill this doesn't make any
sense i don't give a
shit let's listen to me hear me out you give these people the sun
you give them the goddamn sun all right and then what what happens over in the
middle east
they're sitting on all of this goop all right and all of a sudden it's not
worth it's not worth diddly
squat okay and all of a sudden the the bills start piling up they don't know
what to do
they start selling their properties over here they want to give money to the
terrorist groups they don't
got the money to do it you bleed them dry then that's it and then they go back
to doing whatever
the they want to do over there god forbid they live their lives the way they
want to live it over there
god forbid they're not into jesus and starbucks god for bid they want to walk
around in some clothes
that are actually functional for the part of the world they live in you just
leave them the alone
and then all they got to do is just keep driving around in cars and all of that
so they
you know they'll make a lot less money but they won't have us over there going
hey you
should do this and you should do that we just get the out of there then we're
over here
solar powered everything right just think about everything think about your
shirt
solar powered everything everything solar powered i know what you're thinking
well bill what happens at night you go to bed
what do people do in alaska during the winter them
we gotta get out we gotta get out of that place
if it's the last thing we ever do it's bankrupting us it's making very few
people a ton of body it is
bankrupting us we're not gonna you cannot solve
that shit okay so now that we know you can't solve it because i said you can't
solve it without
doing any research now that what now that i've established that as a fact on my
own podcast
the only thing other reason to be over there is they're sitting on all that goop
but now we don't
need the goop the goop the goop the goop is on fire we don't give a keep it
right you give the sun to the oil companies that's it just go total solar power
you know
jimmy connor that georgia peanut farmer he said it 40 years ago he said we are
addicted to oil we've had
we just kept going and going and going and now look at us now look at us now
look at us spending all
this money over there they're giving it to the cunts that are shooting at us
right and then
we're shooting back at them they're making all this money and then they come
over here and they buy a
50 000 square foot house overlooking our overlooking our hey hey we overlook
you
we're up on the hill not the other way around huh you give them the sun
oh god you guys i'm telling you i would have that i would sell those oil guys i
would have a meeting
under a mountain wherever the you meet with these people that really run
you know you're underneath the mountain you got this this underwater waterfalls
and right there's like
these planet of the ape things walking or whatever goes on underneath that
thing right
and you just tell them is that oh i can't i can't do a waterfall what am i
fucking the dude from police academy i can't do that sound effects
gentlemen i came here i came underneath this mountain tonight
to give you the sun i'm sorry i don't have my proper recording equipment here i
can't i can't
do my illuminati meeting you give them the give them the sun
to give them the son give them the sun that's what i would do instead of going
over there talking
about evil doers and doers are evil and this that and the other you pack the
whole up
that's it you pack it all up you send over 10 cargo planes you bring the men
and women
of the ab forces you bring them home right you say you can keep your goop
you can keep you said but i want some of those cool clothes i like the clothes
they wear over there
the giant open-ended onesie whatever the you call it i think those things are
cool man
i wish i want one of those can i buy one of those without offending muslims
could i talk my way out of a beheading if i put one of those on just look man i'm
a i'm a redhead
it was hot out look how paced i am what am i supposed to do
then they get my face you blew it um that's it that's all i wanted to say today
give the oil companies the sun you give it to them and then the whole thing is
over
whatever i believe i can fly um so i got a gig here tonight and i'm gonna go i'm
gonna go play
some drums there's a little rehearsal studio down the street i'm gonna go play
my drums for a couple
hours i was gonna go ride around on one of those city bank banker bicycles but
there's never any
they got like 14 for the whole city and then also what kind of an rides a
bicycle in a city
you know what i mean what am i in europe how many people die a year in europe
just
riding around on bicycles in a city those cars go by
fucking yet another ambulance going over to pick up some fucking
six foot three inch 110 pound european that you could
take it out on his bicycle that has a basket on the front
um i like riding bicycles oh you know what i watched this this documentary
called ovarian psychos
right how do you not click on that i first clicked on this action movie and it
was just the same
fucking the one guy who beats the out of everybody nobody ever they all have
guns but they never think
to use it and i was just like i've seen this a million times it's really loud
and look at that
nice classic car they're wrecking the thing i i can't watch this so i shut it
off
and i saw this thing called ovarian psychos and i was like i want to i got it
well i gotta see what
this is about it was about some uh some women in east l.a mainly mexican who
are sick of being scared
women and they started their own group and they ride around these women's only
uh
you know riding bic