Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-6-17
Uploaded: 2017-07-06T23:13:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-6-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-6-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-06. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-6-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the month i know what his
no it's the thursday
afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast and i'll just checking it
on you sorry
i'm saving my voice i fucked up my voice a couple months ago and i just ignored
it and now i am i'm
throat coating teeing it um um i got some halls sucking on the halls there dude
it's the fucking
mental liptus whatever the fucking says on the thing halls mental lipless
mental liptus
eucalyptus i don't know take a steam what you need to do for your voice is you
need to stop talking
you need to drink some condensed milk there's like 20 people right now
condensed milk that would
actually cause phlegm shut the fuck up you never went to medical school okay
all you did was drink
a glass of milk stop talking like you're a fucking veterinarian uh you know i
didn't want to be in a
mood like this um all right so billy no fun now i've cried wolf for about three
weeks right now
talking about how i was gonna get my act together right i was gonna i was gonna
start working clean
on stage i was gonna uh you know get my relationship with christ going again
man i haven't talked to
that guy in fucking forever we had a big falling out me and that guy you know
and i still feel like
he owes me the apology i'm waiting for him to call you know i'm waiting for him
to reach out
but uh you know i can see that he's being a big baby about it so evidently you
know i'm gonna have
to be the bigger man you know i'm gonna have to reach out jesus if you could
could you help
let me avoid the demon of the booze um no i was good this is how this is how
much i've been eating
and drinking like a fucking asshole i just shut everything down sunday night
and i lost four pounds
this week you know just and i even got hammered one night i was doing so well
dude the fourth of july
happy birthday dear united states of america happy birthday dear united states
of america
happy birthdays defenders of freedom
you're living on goop and we want it pay um
oh jesus anyways
on july 4th you know how many burgers i had zero
yummy hot dogs i had zero you know how much alcohol i had zero until a couple
came over our
friends you know they brought their kids over you know they had a little one
then they had one that
was like seven eight years old it was a riot telling me knock knock jokes he
was killing me
killing me his delivery was outstanding he was making up his own knock knock
jokes
but just the way he would do the deliver the punch line he'd be like um um okay
i got one i got one
he was just making him up on the spot he'd be like knock knock i'd be like who's
there he'd be like
liz i'd be like liz who and he'd be like listen to my music
i mean you come up with one on the spot those aren't easy um anyways
so we ended up having i had a great time but uh you know the guy brought over
some beer so i'm like
yeah these aren't cold i got a couple cores look the cores like you know the
little grenade
bottles in the back i'm like i'll have one so i have one they're only here for
an hour right but
what did i do i sprinkled a little fairy dust on the demon in me and then the
demon woke up and was
like walk over to your bar and get some tequila and i did you know big square
ice cube nice home pour
and the bottle was almost empty so i'm like well i gotta have another one and
finish that one now
long story short one and a half of those plus the cores and i'm downstairs in
my bed talking
gibbers to my wife i just remember one point she just goes what and i was like
all right time to go to
bed so i had one minor slip up you know whatever i think if you just did heroin
once a week that
wouldn't be bad right you just did it once you know maybe on the weekends you
wouldn't want to be
nodding off at work it'd probably be bad that'd be hilarious if you just stuck
to your guns
and be like four out of five days i'm on it one day i come in here with track
marks nodding off of my cubicle and all of a sudden oh oh oh we need to have a
meeting
that's an 80 percent it's a b minus tell me your parents would ground you over
a b minus they just
say get your grades up this is a get your grades up conversation then i'm all
about it but if you're
gonna start saying that you're gonna fire me you're gonna fire me over a b
minus over a b minus okay
i'll get a lawyer i'll sue the out of you your honor my my client was only
doing heroin once a week
okay it was it was the middle of the week it was a wednesday okay he came in he
crushed it on monday
and tuesday wednesday admittedly he wasn't worth anything but thursday and friday
he finished strong
if we could equate this to a sports analogy he uh you know uh when uh didn't uh
went 0 for 20 in the
beginning of the third quarter but he came out with a victory sorry um anyways
yes i lost four pounds
this week and um i think i'm back on it i you know what i have an acting gig
coming up so i got to get
down to my fighting weight is bob pogo um as dave keckner as bob pogo says my
fighting weight is uh 172.
so i can drop three a week it's in two weeks so i'll be down to like 170
fucking three four something
like that and then i'll just fucking wean the next two off while i do the shoot
and there you go that's
how it's done all right all you fat actresses out there fucking bitch mourning
and complain oh it's so
easy for a fucking guy we got our fighting weight too you know so sick of that
fucking myth that they
put out oh guy can look however he wants now if you're a fat fuck you're gonna
play a fat fuck as a
guy it's just just what it is you're gonna play a fat fuck and the jokes are
gonna be that you're a fat
fuck okay you're gonna be doing a chip and dales dance with no shirt on you're
gonna be breaking coffee
tables you'll be living in a van down by the river you're gonna be a mall cop
that tries to slide
behind a pole but doesn't quite make it because of the shape he's in okay i don't
know what
fucking movies you're watching um and then the whole thing where they sit there
and they go oh
you know i'm so sick of seeing these movies where there's these guys and these
these women you know
they're with women half their fucking age well you know what that is it's
because you haven't traveled
to where the money is go down to miami you know get out of the ugly parts of
the world like des moines
iowa okay oh come on you know you're ugly and if you're not ugly you're
planning an escape
all the hot chicks move out of des moines where do they go huh cheyenne wyoming
you know then they meet some hot guy from greely and next thing you know they're
in denver growing
some weed um greely we're having a bad smell day um anyways you know a friend
of mine was just talking
recently about there's this farm that they have uh they sponsor this farm some
somewhere out in england
and they um they don't kill the cows when they stop producing milk they just
let them kind of just get
old it's really cool it's like a cool farm man they milk the cows by hand i
think all farms should do that
you know all farms should do that and if there's you know if they can't keep up
with the milk supply demand
that you know all that means is human beings will die and considering we're the
problem
you know i say as long as it's not me or anyone that i love i'm all for it
here's something really up environmentally i started watching baseball again i
finally gave in
i bought the mlb package i'm i'm all set now i got the center rice i got the
what's this what's
they always got some dumb name they can't just say the nhl against the center
ice
the court side 50 yard line whatever they call them right i got the bruins the
patriots the celtics
and red so i got the whole thing with my cable it just automatically renews
which i love i usually don't like when it automatically renews like hey hey i
make the decision
now i don't give a shit i'm just like all right fine whatever whatever it's
fine
don't worry about it um so i've been watching uh i watched that rangers series
i didn't realize how many red sox i didn't know his mookie bettson right
bradley jacob jr something like that
bradley uh uh uh walmart jr whatever the his name is milton bradley what's his
name something bradley jr
i don't know then you got andrew uh but he got your bottom left
zander bogats dustin pedroia i don't know a lot of them
um anyway so i'm gonna start watching them and uh watching the yankees too
because aaron judd
aaron judge looks like a myth doesn't he he looks like one of those things when
they talk about
baseball in the early 1900s you know and they had those giant you know elephant
titus of the hand gloves that they used to play with
you know guys amazing i don't know what's going on though but i i think
baseball's numbers are down
i think they they juice up whenever they whenever their numbers go down i i
believe that they juice
up the ball they got to do something i mean just all of a sudden i don't know
everybody just starts
cranking all these home runs this guy's on pace to hit like 60. um
but anyways i've been uh just sitting there recording the games we're in tampa
tonight right
we started you know what happened was i i went did that big poppy roast and
then i went to the game
and then i just got back into it i was like oh yeah i love this game i forgot
about that um
and i think we went to um
toronto that's right went to toronto won that series went to uh
rangers right texas rangers this is what i don't understand this is what the
fuck i was trying to get to was i'm watching the fucking texas rangers they had
that amazing ballpark
i went there i sat up i sat in the outfield because i wanted to have the
opportunity to run
out on the grass to try to get one of those home runs you know and um i've just
found out that
fucking ballpark it's not even 25 years old they're already they're already
knocking it down
all that concrete all of that shit all of that fucking stuff
somebody please do a documentary and follow the dump trucks and just show where
does that go
what are they gonna do with all that fucking it's fine it's fucking fine like
well you know it gets
really hot out here in the summer and we need a fucking it gets hot out here in
the summer because of us
we're a fucking plague jesus christ you already fucking yanked all that out of
the goddamn ground
now you're just gonna throw it out you're gonna throw it in the ocean and build
another one
i don't know they're doing that in atlanta atlanta has a ballpark that thing's
not
more than 25 years old and they're like well you know our fan base it's just
too far to dry all the way
downtown got moved all the way out really yeah right they got to bring it out
to where the white people
are all right white people white people you don't have to do it um they're
gonna move it out to where
the white people are you know what the problem is is atlanta braves fans
fucking suck they just
they don't it's not even that they suck it's just they've had the ball yanked
out from underneath them a
a zillion fucking times they got charlie brown okay and then you know after
that last fucking super
ball if you think these these these these fucking i mean if i was a president i
would i would declare
atlanta a fucking disaster area
if i was in georgia all right i would just watch college sports i'd be into
them georgia bulldogs
that's what i would do georgia tech university of georgia
i'm one of my dreams ain't one of my dreams i just want to come over and just slobber
in
my fucking hand i'll go home and jerk off to the fucking georgia bulldogs um i
would that's
disgusting i will fucking i would be into that so evidently uh they feel that
not
enough black people come out i have no idea this is just what people from atlanta
told me they don't
feel enough black people come out or white people are too afraid to drive their
chrysler town and
country countries and suvs into the greater atlanta area um to go to a baseball
game i have no idea so
they're just abandoning that ma