Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-16
Uploaded: 2017-07-12T06:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-12. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-16

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
uh june 13th 2016 what's going on how the fuck are you um i'm hanging out here
sunday night
there's 30.2 seconds left in game six and uh barry an absolute miracle out
there on the ice worthy
of a lake placid sequel i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the fucking pittsburgh
penguins
are gonna win their fifth cup is this the fifth one that's fuck you realize how
successful that
is they've only been around since 67 the bruins been around forever we only got
six you motherfuckers
congratulations to the pittsburgh penguins man that's fucking great and uh
really happy for phil
kessel this is actually a good one for me as a bruins fan because joe thornton
was uh
you know another former bruins so either way i was gonna say and i like both
those fucking players you
know i mean because of the phil kessel trade to toronto we won a cup granted we
then traded everybody
the fuck away but we did win a cup you know so i can't say some shit to fucking
montreal fans
finally 20 seconds to go 19 i'll tell you this is the toughest trophy to win in
a fucking goddamn
professional sports um
this gotta be one of the most how the fuck was that icing the goalie played it
ah jesus christ what is this the fucking nba um
by the way i i kind of i guess i understand now why it's not as physical in the
nba i actually
looked up some of the rules the uh obviously the three second rule and isn't
even as like an
offensive player are you allowed to be that i don't know no one of these guys
can go down the
fucking lane a defensive player can't be in the fucking painted area for longer
than three seconds
or it's an illegal defense he is allowed to stand there if he's within arm's
length of the guy that
he's guarding so all the guy's got to do is just fucking run out to the three-point
land and they just
clear it clear the path right and here comes the honor roll student right down
the fucking lane
like jack there's quickness yeah he has his first step yeah and the fact that
there's now a fucking
rule that says you can't have some giant fucking guy standing there oh look at
him going crazy
wow another one in the books
you know something i'm not claustrophobic but one of the worst things you want
to be
after winning a championship is that person on the bottom of the fucking pile
you know you literally go from like celebrating that you won to not even being
able to breathe
you're like yeah and you get tackled you're just like
start doing that shit do you know that there's been times people who scored big
fucking uh touchdowns
and they get tackled by their teammates they get like their fucking leg broken
it's unbelievable
um anyways congratulations to the pittsburgh penguins uh and pittsburgh great
great fucking hockey town
i know we've had our rivalry in that thing but i've just been there too many
times i got too many
friends there and uh congratulations to joe bartnick he's got to be going
fucking crazy right now
um if i didn't have shit to do tomorrow i would have gone over his place and
watched the game
um san jose sharks though man you know you never made it to the final so you
got over the hump
and now you're gonna have that bitter taste in your mouth and hopefully you'll
come back and win one
unless my fucking bruins get their shit together and then we fucking finally
win one so
anyways um let's get on with the podcast here uh
i had a uh yeah i had my birthday weekend wonderful birthday weekend old billy
boozebag was fucking throwing him down
old billy boozebag was acting a clown right
and fucking joey roses was over right came over on my birthday to my house when
i say joey you say roses
um he came over fucking guy was hilarious he came over with like a bottle of
gin
something some a fucking lemon and then he had those those fucking red cherries
that might or might not cause cancer
dude phil kessel looks like he fucking he's like works with wood doesn't he
like some weird guy that never married
but he could fucking you know make a davenport out of a fucking tree stump
you can't eat phil kessel though how's your breath pretty bad eh
um oh and the wonderful tradition of the nhl the shaking of the hands the show
of mutual respect
um
anyways uh
yeah so i fucking went i went way too hard on my birthday you know because i
didn't think any you know
i didn't really do anything i worked all fucking day and then i came home
i had a coarse light and i was just like you know what it's my birthday
i'll fucking have a scotch right put out my big giant fucking
cube of uh ice
and i threw down two scotches the next thing you know
fucking roses was coming over and i already had three in the fucking
three in the wind column so um i don't really remember most
probably the third last third of the fucking night
and uh i don't know all i know is i got a bunch of dirty looks for my wife the
next day so uh
last night i went out again and i only had like a couple of beers and uh and
then that's it
that's it i'm shutting it down again that's how i stay in control you know
the thing about your liver is you don't want to spoil it
you know i've slapped it around enough so now i give it a break
and then just when it starts to think hey you know what
everything is beautiful i give it the old fucking right there fred
that's what i do
um i had a it was actually a great weekend i didn't do any stand-up either
i gotta get my fucking shit together so i'm gonna be doing a couple uh shows
this week
around la because i got um i got newark atlantic city in baltimore
coming up this weekend so i gotta make sure the act is ready to go nice and
fucking tight there
and uh but this weekend you know obviously celebrated my birthday friday night
and uh let's see what did i do
say i went to somebody else's fucking birthday party so uh
and that one that was the one that i actually
didn't really drink at but i still felt horrible because at one point i
i had a tequila
and after that i had birthday cake and then i smoked a cigar and then my body
was just like
all right can we can we fucking pick a road here
which which which way is the abuse going tonight you know
but uh i was so hung over saturday i couldn't even fucking
walk the 10 feet to my gym and i was that's when i know i was like all right
dude
yeah well what are you doing
so i shut it down
it's over put a padlock on it
um
i don't know how long i'm gonna go
i don't know you know what it is
this this is actually once the fucking playoffs are over it's kind of easy
but i'm also gonna be starting peaky blinders so that might be hard
the way those fucking guys drink
i don't understand how you watch a show where everybody's boozing and you don't
fucking drink
any alcoholics out there like how the fuck do you watch that stuff and just be
like well
everybody else is drinking i feel like i'm being rude right now
i'm thinking maybe i'm gonna shut it down till i go to europe but even then i
can't really drink
because i got a show every fucking night
but uh i did set myself up in um
in a hotel uh on one of those dates that there's actually a uh cigar bar right
around the corner so
i might have my one for july
um i don't know i feel like i'm just fucking babbling
this is just me just trying to keep my bad habits at bay
this is the deal
either i'm not drinking at all or i'm smoking too many cigars
or i cut down the cigars and i drink like a fucking lunatic you know what i
mean like i've said before i literally think the reason why people have kids is
so they won't fucking drink themselves to death because once you fucking get
yourself going in your career and you got some free time
why wouldn't you why wouldn't you walk over what are you gonna fucking do huh
after that fucking horrible tragedy down there
in orlando which i i will never fucking understand lunatic religious people i
just never understand how you get so fucked up in your head that you feel like
that's your last act on earth okay
that's the last thing you're gonna do and you think that you're gonna go
somewhere good that there's somebody after this
if there is somebody after this that judged you that he's gonna be sitting
there going like all right way to go
there you go yeah that was the right thing to do
make millions of people sad you know it's just just the fucking worst thing
ever
and um i'm actually gonna take a break here from tv probably for other than
sports
it's a great thing about sports is you can get away from that stuff because uh
i can't handle when something like this happens how quickly
oh god is he getting booed is he getting booed
oh you know it
this poor bastard every fucking year this is the funniest shit ever in hockey
every fucking year
the commissioner of the league comes out and he just gets fucking i don't know
why he's still getting
booed let's see this here
hang on a second
steve summers wrote those words and now it's engraved on the side of the stanley
cup
i rubbed my balls on it right before it
one of the greatest trophies in all the sport look at mario lemieux looking
sharp huh
he's got his anchorman sport coat on
tom bur uh tom burgundy uh fucking
the fuck's his name oh here he comes
he's complimenting him this is one of the loudest buildings i've ever heard
they're booing him
his children must cry every fucking year
so anyways back to the tragedy
sorry
um
i can't handle whenever something like that fucking happens and then you got to
sit there and listen
to all of these fucking people trying to shoehorn
their agendas
and their their uh
you know
their fucking theories and then somehow it always becomes democrat liberal
fucking conservative republican
muslim christian fucking gun control nra and all that shit and you know
it's fucking it's so stupid you know it's funny if you look at the daily news
in um new york city right they're anti-gun which you know if that's what you
want to be that's what you want to be
but if you anti-gun and you really want
you know that to work
wouldn't you uh
you need what you need to do is persuade the other side to come over
their headline is thanks a lot nra or some stupid shit like that all that does
is just get people's fucking backup
all i'm saying it's just going to be a bunch of people screaming and yelling
right
there's going to be a couple of actors and actresses that are going to say
something stupid
right i don't know what
but you know
we're always good to do something like that
people in the fucking
people who forget that they're a dancing monkey
and think that they could solve the country's problems
for the fucking life of me
i mean i know i fucking
talk about this shit but i never try to offer solutions
you know
me well my i tell dick and shit jokes
um but i i gotta tell you though i just wish people out of respect for the
amount of fucking pain that was just inflicted on i can't even imagine what
that number 50 people how many people right now are just never going to be the
same you would think that people could go 24 fucking hours
without making it about their cause and screaming and yelling as much as they're
trying to fucking help can you just how about just you know can you go 20
fucking minutes
before we got to listen to people saying that's obama's fault and fucking this
and that and everything you know what
i don't know whose fault it's nobody's fault you know what it is dude
unfortunately we're fucking we're animals
that's what it is most of us are decent enough not to do that but it's just uh
what are you gonna do it's just fucking horrible
why would i talk about this shit you know why because it's because why how do
you not how do you not um
anyways
so sydney crosby got the mvp
got that little shiny house
with the fucking i don't know disco hat on top of it all right when's he giving
it to phil kessel
when's he giving it to phil kessel who's he handed off to first
who's he handed off to first
one of the great traditions of all sports i'll tell you it weighs fucking 9 000