Name: The Monday Morning Podcast 7-21-16
Uploaded: 2017-07-19T06:30:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 7-21-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Monday Morning Podcast 7-21-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-19. Transcript available.

The Monday Morning Podcast 7-21-16

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm
checking in on you because I give a fuck, right? I care about you. Oh, who's
the freckled cunt that gives a fuck? I do.
How's your week going? Everything going good with you? I hope it is. Old freckles.
The pasty old fucking man. 48 years old. My back feels better than it has since
I don't know when. Just been going to the chiropractor and getting this fucking
shit beat out of me in massages. It's finally, I don't know. It's fucking great.
I guess my spine was compressed and twisted.
For decades. So, you know, after having professionals beat the shit out of me
for like weekly for like the last since May, I guess. I don't know. I think I
finally I undid. They undid it or whatever. But now, like when I go to stretch,
when I go to, you know, you know, the whole thing you lay on your back and you
this young people won't know this because they just get up off the couch and
start running.
They're fine because they're young. But old people, you know, you lay on the
floor, right? You get down on the floor. Right. You make that noise and you get
going down and getting up. It's the same noise. Right.
You get down on the fucking ground and then you bring one of your knees up to
your chest. Right. And then you bring it over to one side and then you have
your arm sticking out, you know, like almost like you're doing like some sort
of old timey football move. Right.
I stepping over somebody. But when I do that on the ground now, I just bring
that over in my back just cracks from the lower back to about three quarters of
the way up. And that never used to I wouldn't crack at all. It was just all
fucking jammed in there. And I feel good, man. I've been working out. I've also
been eating like a fucking animal, though. Went to a barbecue Sunday. So that's
all she wrote with that. Right. And I did a show.
So I ate barbecue. And then I also fucking ate in a comedy club green room.
I was working down there in Hermosa at the the comedy and magic club.
And which is really fucking cool to go down there now, because whenever I look
at the pier, I'm like, that's the thing I fly over.
Right. But, you know, as I'm coming down, you know, there's the Hermosa Beach
Pier and then Manhattan Beach Pier.
And when you get to that one, you got to be down around like, you know, like
300 feet.
And that's when you call L.A.X. and say, hey, I want to fucking skedaddle
underneath the fucking jets there.
Right. And I never knew any of that. I never knew where the beaches were.
I mean, look at me.
What the fuck with this redheaded cut? Know where the beaches are.
The only reason why I know where the beaches are is so I know how to drive in
the opposite direction.
I fucking hate the beach.
I fucking. Oh, my God. I hate the beach.
I love the fucking beautiful brown people that go there, you know, tanning
themselves up.
God bless you. I sit there like the boy in the bubble, you know, in one of
those Ford Astros with the sliding fucking door with the A.C.
on looking out like the boy in the bubble.
Right. I fucking hate it.
I get there. It's hot as fuck.
It's boring. I'm terrified to go in the ocean.
I'm not fucking going in there.
There's goddamn sea monsters in there going to fucking grab you, you know.
What a bunch of idiot. What kind of a fucking moron.
I just I'll never get over that.
The fact that people just swim in the fucking ocean and a little shark attack
today.
Yeah. You know, it's funny.
Somebody goes to the fucking zoo and they they crawl into the fucking cage and
they get attacked.
Everybody's general consensus consensus is, yes, it's a tragedy.
And the fuck were you going in there for?
What do you think was going to happen?
You know, you go to the beach and you go into the fucking ocean.
Everybody acts like it's a big it's a big surprise.
How did that happen? I can't believe it.
You went into an unnatural environment.
Right.
Into something where there was a bunch of shit there that could kill you and
something did or took a chunk out of you.
Took a fucking bite out of you, you know, when you come stumbling out of there.
I don't know why it just makes me think of an unfinished cigar when somebody
gets bit.
Right.
You know, I went to this fucking party.
Right.
And I brought in so many for my birthday.
It got me this really incredible box of cigars.
So I, uh, I immediately called all my friends because, you know, or whatever.
It's like, because I'm not going to smoke all 10 of these fucking things.
First of all, that's not what cigar smoking is about.
It's a social thing.
Right.
And secondly, I don't want to smoke all of them because I'm trying to keep the
habit at bay.
All right.
Special occasions once to twice a month.
Right.
So I brought it over there and there was a bunch of hovering cunts who all
showed up.
Everybody acting like they're fucking cigar smokers.
And so I'm handing them out to these, these people I don't fucking know.
And I turned my back and like 15 minutes later, like three of them have been
stomped out.
They're like, they weren't even halfway done.
Those fucking idiots.
Anyway.
So then I just, I figured that's, you know, you get bit by a shark, you know,
you come in,
takes like, you know, the bottom 30 you off and you come out like a, like a
fucking unfinished cigar.
No, I don't fucking know.
It made sense to me.
Visually.
That's what I thought of.
They're not all going to be gems.
Relax.
This podcast doesn't even count.
This is me just checking in on you.
Oh, Billy back brace.
Huh?
I took it off like fucking Forrest Gump.
I actually feel like I could run.
The only downside to my back feeling as great as it does right now is I have to
fight myself from doing something really stupid.
But, but as always, I was psyched.
I didn't have to use any drugs.
I stayed away from all of that shit.
And it reminded me of that guy when I used to watch that doc, the Dr. Drew show,
the celebrity rehab.
And there was that guy from taxi who since passed away and he kind of got
hooked on painkillers and shit.
He's always bitch about his back.
And I remember, for whatever reason, I was just thinking about that, going, man,
I wish that guy went to a fucking chiropractor and a masseuse instead of going
down the fucking painkiller route.
I don't know.
Who knows?
He might have fucking done heroin first.
He might have fucked up his back nodding off on heroin.
Although they tend to stand pretty upright.
They keep their back straight and then their legs bend.
I don't know.
But as always, I don't know what the fuck's going on.
Yeah.
So Monday night, Sunday night.
Sorry.
I went to, I went to the comedy magic club worked and that's not an easy room.
It's not an easy room to do well in.
Those people have seen a ton of fucking comedy.
You know, Jay Leno goes down there every Sunday.
So they're used to seeing the top notch shit.
So, you know, if you go down there and you half ass it, you get a bomb.
So I had a good set.
Fortunately, I had something in the middle of my set, though.
I was, I was leaning on the mic stand and I had, and I had my, my arm sort of
like, instead
of leaning on how I usually do, I had my arm up and something was like pushing
into my elbow.
And when my hand was like that, I went to close my, make a fist and like my
middle, my index
and my fucking ring finger wouldn't close.
It was like in slow motion.
Really freaked me out.
I don't know what the hell I did, but it, what I'm basically telling you people
is I'm
falling apart.
But my back feels good.
So anyway, so that was the first night of me eating like an asshole, but I
still work
out every day.
Fucking crushing the elliptical.
I give it back at night a little bit.
Fucking drink here or a fucking cheese stick, whatever the fuck I have.
Right.
But, uh, then Monday, last second, a buddy of mine called me up and said, Hey,
Sting and
Peter Gabriel are playing at the fucking Hollywood Bowl.
Right.
So I said, you know what?
I bet Vinny Kaliuta is playing drums.
I got to go see that.
That's like a bucket list.
He's one of my favorite drummers of all fucking time.
And he's one of those guys who just keeps getting better.
He's an absolute monster.
I mean, the guy's like pushing 60 years old and he could still like blow away
young drummers
in their teens.
You know what I mean?
A lot of young drummers just think, you know, all the young guys are the shit
and they're
all fucking flashy.
And then his guys get older, you know, they stop practicing or whatever.
He's one of the few fucking guys.
There was no drop off.
He just kept getting better and better and better and better.
So I say, fuck this.
Right.
So I called up somebody, you know, who was in the know.
And I was like, Hey, is Vinny playing tonight?
And they were like, they got back to me and I was like, fuck, that was the,
that was the
game changer right there.
I was like, I got to go fucking see it.
Right.
So I go on the, uh, the hub of the stub there, the old stub hub and just pay
through
the fucking nose, get as close as I can.
So now I'm all fucking excited.
I'm all down low.
Right.
And I'm fucking going, Oh my God.
You look at, they got two drum kits up there.
I'm guessing Peter Gabriel's going to open, do a set.
Then Sting's going to do a fucking set.
And then, uh, in the end, they're going to come out and sing fucking Hava Nagila,
whatever.
They're going to do some sort of encore together.
Right.
The fucking show starts.
Okay.
And there was so many fucking people on stage.
I didn't know what was going on.
And Peter Gabriel all of a sudden is like, you know, he's guys like right in
front of
us.
He sings one of his fucking, I don't know, world music songs.
It was amazing.
And his voice sounded fucking incredible.
And I'm like, okay, Peter Gabriel and his giant band here, this giant ass
fucking band
with two drummers and shit is, is going to fucking open.
And then Sting's going to come out.
I'm going to get to see Vinny.
Right.
He finishes the first fucking song.
He walks off stage.
And then all of a sudden Sting just walks out.
Everybody's like, what the fuck?
Right.
And he starts playing the, if I ever lose my faith in you.
Right.
He starts singing that song.
And I'm like, wait a minute.
Where the fuck's Vinny?
I realized he's been playing the whole fucking time.
He's just behind these, this fight.
I don't want the fuck.
It was somebody's amps or some shit.
So all I could see was like the top of his head, but there was like video
screens and stuff.
So of course I was standing on my tiptoes to watch it.
But what killed me about his playing is, uh, you know, every great musician has
a voice,
right?
I know this is like hacky to say that, but that fucking guy, the bell of his
ride symbol.
And when he plays the cross stick on his snare, it's just undeniably like that's
fucking Vinny Kaliuta.
And the fact that I was, he was making that noise that close to me and I was
immediately
hearing it.
And just all the times that I've listened to, uh, all the music that he's made
with
Sting and everybody else, the fact that they were actually reproducing it live
right there
was fucking nuts to me.
You know, like they're playing this, these songs for us.
This is fucking incredible.
Right.
So then the concert go and they just keep flip flopping back and forth.
So Sting finished his fucking song.
And then Peter Gabriel came back out, but Sting stayed and fucking played bass
on Peter's
shit.
And then they just kept going back and forth.
And occasionally Peter did too.
And then Sting do a couple, occasionally Sting would walk off and Peter would
do his thing
and then vice versa, whatever.
And finally in the middle of it, um, or maybe towards the beginning, I can't,
they, they talked
to the crowd a couple of times and they basically said that they were just,
that, uh, they both
had bands and they're kind of competing with each other's band.
And Peter Gabriel's ban