Name: the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-17
Uploaded: 2017-07-20T17:34:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-20. Transcript available.

the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on
you how's your week
going dude it's fucking thursday it's thursday dude fucking payday um actually
i get paid on
friday well fuck you and your job man i used to get paid on thursday i used to
get paid on
thursday and i used to keep my money i used to have my money i spent it on me
well where do you want to go who's it up to me how many dependents you got none
my life was mine
and that 260 bucks a week that i made i had a fucking car payment for 138 a
month
i was rolling in it you know fucking rolling in it i didn't even realize it i
was thinking oh gee
wouldn't it be great someday to fucking get out there in the world get my own
place have a car
drive down the street man right what happens you get out there and you're
fucking you're stupid you're
like a little toddler walking crawling up to a fucking cobra they forgot to sew
its mouth shut
you know like how they do that shit over in india you know where you're just
born into a family of
snake jammers whatever happens over there you ever seen that video i assumed it
was in india
you know and don't get mad at me blame hollywood
all right i've hung out with the z's a few times i never i never brought the
cobra thing up i forgot to
to find out if this was true or not i could have been like a z's is this or is
this not
a your people thing specifically and then he could have been like god no bill
there's actually there's
snake charmers all over uh all over the world and you know what i would have
said was it fair enough
but i didn't so anyways you ever seen those fucking videos where they they sew
the goddamn cobra's
fucking mouth shut could i curse more in that sentence have you seen those um
have you seen
that footage where they take the uh i don't know and i at this point with this
voice i'd have to know
the latin name for a cobra they sell the fucking things mouth shut and then
they have a baby crawl
up to it and the snake is like freaking out because you gotta understand as
small as a baby is to a
person for a snake it's still pretty fucking big like what is what is that is
that a mongoose
is that gonna run up and just grab my face and give me a couple of shakes and
then that's it
last thing i see in my life is is the inside of a mongoose's esophagus
that's what the snake is thinking it's just a snake only has one expression
you know reptiles are like redefined resting face
reptiles never look like they're in a good mood
or they're just stale or they just have like no they're just kind of fucking
sitting there like a
frog right it's not a fucking reptile it's an amphibian well whatever it is
doesn't have any hair on it
they have a little bit oh that was less cool it's less clay plus line right
he's talking about some woman said she was finer than frog hair
um what the song was that that was one of his solo albums his bucket of bernie
brains
something of the hunt i can't remember now my brain's going oh i what i don't
know what i was talking
i was talking about babies messing with with uh cobras i don't know how i got
there i don't know what's
going on how many minutes just went by 3 42 just like that just like that 3 42
you drive home or you
drive to work right or maybe you have really tiny headphones and your wife's
bitching at you right
now and you listen to this or your boyfriend i don't know i don't know what the
fuck he's doing
um yeah he had that dream that you're gonna go out in the real world and your
money was gonna
be made and it was gonna go into your pocket and dude i'm gonna have a fucking
kegerator over here
fucking pool table air hockey and what happens 20 years goes by 20 years where
they go 20 years i don't
know right bob seeger sometimes i sit and wonder where they going how smart is
bob seeger bob seeger
was smart enough to realize that most people lose and he sang right to those
and they
showed up with their what is that old milwaukee's right and they sat right in
the front row
with their bottom lips quivering you know and then the wise who look over like
oh honey what's the
matter and then they'd have to slap their wife because you couldn't show that
you cried back then
when the song first came out now you can sit there with like cupcakes and
kittens on your shirt as a
man sit there indian style wearing yoga pants and your wife you know i don't
know what she's doing
she's got work boots on and a trucker hat i i don't know what goes on with the
youth today i don't
pretend to know i'm an older person all right all i know is somehow all the
bands went into the computer
and they never came out again and then they just became one person you know
like mayweather says
form like voltron right isn't voltron like one guy i don't know what the fuck
it is
wow what the hell with it i mean i'm from the age of like i mean
i was too old for stomper four by fours when they came out that's how i played
with tonka trucks
people okay there was no batteries in that thing you wanted it to move you had
to push it
all right and you rode those things down the driveway and right before it went
into traffic
you bailed off of it and you prayed to god that it would make the other side
without getting run
over by a milk truck right there you go so
and like you i also don't know what i'm talking about at this point anyways
yeah you thought it was going to be all you right in 20 years goes by
okay and then one day you walk into your house and you're just looking around
at all the
shit and all all it really is is it's just a bunch of what what is all this
shit
fucking tables and couches chair we got no fucking chairs here how many kids do
we plan on having why
are there so many goddamn chairs why oh there's so many this is a perfect area
right here where a drum
kid could go you know what is that stupid picture why don't you take it off the
wall and put up a
fucking that board i just feel like that wouldn't look right be kind of awkward
why would that be
awkward you know what's awkward every room vaguely looking the same we look
like we live in a furniture
store there's nothing in here but furniture how about some fun shit what about
that game where you try
to punch it as hard as you can to see how strong you are you know where that
game with the you shoot the
baskets you can't just have one of those i don't know i just feel like that was
you know maybe in the
garage is there a way to put it behind the house and down the street i don't
want to have company over
and have them see that you're having fun i want my wife better not listen to
this i want them to come
over and see that you are totally in control under my control and you are you
are listening to the
fucking decisions that i want to make i'm just with you um anyways whatever
most of that isn't true
only the sad part um it's thursday everybody you either get paid today or
tomorrow what are you
gonna do with your money huh what are you gonna do do you hear bank of america
evidently their entire
fucking system was down how does that happen that's not scary enough is it jesus
christ
i hope they you know i should look that up i should look that up before i cause
a run on a bank
is that the name of a song run on a bank is that a bob seeger song
was it ain't no surprise oh that's love on the rocks not run on a bank love on
the rocks ain't no big
surprise i thought it was run on a bank grabbing by their ties especially with
their milk white
fucking thighs why does my internet suck in every fucking room
i swear to god whoever my internet company is they they have to have a poster
me on the wall going
we need more customers like this he pays 10 times what he should fucking pay it
never works and he
never complains unless he's doing his podcast but who gives a fuck because he
never calls us
so what do we care we just keep taking his money all right here we go bank of
america
yeah everyone in the world is jealous of us everyone wants to be just like us
that's why they hate on us
all right maybe maybe we've gotten out of line in a few areas all right evidently
it's loading
you know what i mean watching my computer try to get on the internet like
waiting for it for load
it's like watching me try to remember from two days ago
oh you sneaky bastards this isn't what i wanted i didn't want your website i
wanted the gossip
what do i gotta hit bank of america tmz bank of america here we go again bank
of america
google here we go here we go what do you got what do we got customers shot out
of accounts during a
parent bank of america outage
oh boy oh boy i'm just picturing someone with one of those what's that white
mask that those
people hackers wear when they want to shut down the corporations um
all right here we go bank of america customers were shut out from their
accounts oh an advertisement
oh ralph's jesus you know what i will buy a honey of a ham all right we're back
bank of america
customers were shut out from their accounts for several hours wednesday in a
system outage
you know somebody's you know didn't get dialysis to their heart stops you would
you wouldn't he was
such was we're so at the feet of these cunts coral springs resident eric sleeper
oh he's a sleeper
you never think he could run that fast in those work boots and there he goes
down the street
said we got what looked like a phishing email from the bank wednesday and
immediately started
calling customer service to see if something was wrong a message on his online
account said it could
not pull up his information when we called his local branch a manager said that
local managers
were calling each other trying to figure out what caused what appeared to be a
national
outage and why they were unable to provide certain services like what provide
you with the money that
you need um on downdetector.com a website that tracks reports of system outages
reports started
spiking after 11 30 a.m and the website was inundated with comments from bank
of american
customers dude what the send around the country saying they couldn't access
online banking computers
transit by 1 p.m they had received nearly 1 000 reports of problems but by wednesday
evening all
although some customers were still reporting problems the number of reports had
gone down considerably to
about 200 and then this is their comment i know that the team is working
quickly to bring everything
back up uh as time progresses they should be able to go back online i would
really love to see what
really happened uh bank of american system why system wide outage on the day i'm
closing on my closing on
my house and there's nothing i can do about it bank of america you close my
bank account with no notice
how can i deposit my check when i no longer have an account stuck in thailand
what is up with not being able to transfer system has been down for three hours
oh jesus jenny that's
nothing compared to the guy stuck in thailand the clerk at bank of america just
said i can't make a
deposit because of nationwide disruption anyone know what's up all right yeah
okay all right well
let's just hope that was a one-time thing nothing to see here that's scary that's
why you got to have
your money in like three different banks i don't care if you got 40 bucks put
15 in one 10 and another
what do we got left there what's that 25 you get 15 the last one right 15 15
and 10.
it's a fucking shell game out there man um then when you got to pay your rent
you write three different
checks why don't you just write it for the fuller mouth because i'm not going
to get stuck in thailand
you cunt what do you care as long as it all works um all right let's get back
to uh the podcast here um
i am when when you listen to this i will be in new york city by the time you
listen to this i am going
to the airport tonight tonight tonight um i'm going back to new york for about
a week i'm going to be
there for a week um doing an acting gig out t