Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 6-23-16
Uploaded: 2017-07-21T06:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-23-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-23-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-21. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 6-23-16

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you and your cubicle do you
like that it's in
the corner and you get some sun i like it it makes me feel like i'm outside do
you know what i mean
do you remember when you had recess and you just ran and you just had the wind
was in your hair
that's what it feels like except i'm inside and my dreams have died what's
going on guys uh my voice
is fucked up and uh it's wednesday night i just got out of the writer's room
episode eight
motherfuckers doing the table read fucking moths where the fuck do these
fucking things come from
jesus fucking christ it's fucking moths
it's fucking house do you know the fucking other day my goddamn i get a fucking
decent gate for the
driveway for once you know you got to get the electrical one you know what's
great about the
electrical one is eventually it fucking breaks and you can't get your car out
of there and you got
to call a taxi when you're paying insurance on two fucking cars oh they're
right there you just can't
get to them isn't technology wonderful it makes your life so much more simple
um you know you don't have
to get out of a car anymore to open a gate you don't burn those calories and
then those calories
just sit right on your fucking heart right and then one day one day the gate
doesn't open and you
have a fucking aneurysm because you're so upset because it was supposed to make
your life easier
and it doesn't i actually have a fucking theory uh i don't have a theory i have
a fucking idea that
just popped into my head we should all die at like 30 of natural fucking causes
you know we should
just go back to living off the fucking land once just the whole plague just
hits everybody we should
just you know go back to being fucking cave people and living like you know
just living like 30 fucking
years ah you can't go that far back what would be a good place to go back to
you know what i mean well anybody in this era would suck because then there'd
be a bunch of
shit be like what there's no ipads or polio vaccines man what the fuck this
sucks right
you know i don't know it's not a theory it was just a fucking idea i mean this
is how trump
gives a speech isn't it is he going down is that what's happening this fucking
guy
just took everybody until this fucking moment now i i for the life of me i do
not understand how this
this is my fucking republican choice i got this fucking dope or this this
fucking square headed
goddamn criminal what does hillary clinton have like what 52 felonies pending
i think i saw her on the first 48 the other night
and how they're just gonna just blow past all of this and then you gotta listen
to all this
fucking horse shit about you know how great it is for fucking women well it's
only fair after all the
dishonest guys that have got an office why don't we get the most crooked
fucking broad we can find
you know don't pick the honest one
um oh jesus i'm in a grumpy fucking mood um there's so much shit that i want to
say but i can't say it
i just can't fucking say it uh because it would be a waste to say it right here
but i am buying my time
biting or is it buying is it joe biden how the fuck these i know i'm with how
the express that's one of those
expressions i've every time i hear somebody say it in a bar it's it's like did
they say buying or i'm biding my time
or is it just yeah you know the thing that one of my relatives mispronounced
and then i just started
saying it that way like my fucking one of my relatives could not say orange
used to say orange
you want an orange so you know i fucking go to school what color is that i'm
like orange
and people look at me like what did you say orange and they're going it's it's
orange
say all right you know i didn't know people around where i live say orange um
the fuck was i
talking about biting my time is that a word is that something biting my time
well that's a pink
floyd song biting time uh biting my time can you believe there's something on wikipedia
about that
well there's people like you in the world bill so there needs to be biting my
time was an unreleased
recording is it an is it an expression this is what you guys are hearing right
now is how i use the
fucking comer uh the computer i just ask it i talk to it like it can hear well
can't hear me because
he fucking i'll say shit to my wife and all of a sudden you know i'll be like
you know the fuck is
your problem well you know you treat me like a douchebag right then all of a
sudden i go to my
computer on the side there's all these advertising for douchebags and i never
looked it up binding my
time instead of biding my time the bide in the binding one's time is a verb
that according to the
american heritage dictionary means to await or wait for oh god people who are
into language to that level
according to the american heritage dictionary somebody fucking sat down and
looked that up
it's wikipedia why wouldn't you just make it up this podcast by the way is
brought to you by
cores light it's cold lager cold filtered and cold packaged and you know what
when i'm pitching
shit jokes all day long in a fucking writer's room i like to come home do a
podcast and drink one can
of fucking cores light you know why because it's fucking delicious it's perfect
i don't want to get
hammered it sort of tastes like water but i have a nice happy feeling
afterwards um this is me not
drinking is every two days i have one beer one you know nobody in england
whatever or europe in general
would consider this a fucking beer by the way belgium is back on the fucking
map they're back on the map
we were trying to go to germany and austria but they offered me like 30 and 50
or maybe it was euros i
can't remember what so i don't know what the fuck i got going on over there um
i gotta start trashing
their sports team so they know who the fuck i am and maybe they'll watch a few
videos and i can maybe i
don't know play whatever their version of what's funny bone yeah go to see
funny bone
all right let's get back to the fucking podcast um what happened today in the
world i have no fucking
idea i sat in a fucking writer's room oh god damn day um let's see google news
google news all right in the u.s a comprehensive up-to-date coverage aggregated
all right sit and spin sit in spurs late night clash oh this is about the gun
shit
uh the daily trail asian stocks wobble ahead of somebody cares about that
somebody has so much
fucking money that that's gonna gives a fuck what's going on with their stocks
you know once we became this giant financial fucking gangbang it's just over
alligator that snatched
two-year-old boy at disney world has been killed how the fuck did they find it
it didn't eat him
there was no evidence of the kid in him right somebody rat him out
some other fucking alligator all right man it wasn't me i i you know somebody
was talking
the fucking alligator probably snatched the kid was like jesus christ it's a
fucking kid
thought it was a turtle i don't i don't want to get fucking sued i'm they're
going to kill me
all the animals they got to know it at this point that if you fucking if you
even
fuck with a human being we come down and we track you down you know we've done
it to alligators
we've done it to sharks we've done it to gorillas that fucking alligator the
second he
fucking saw a shirt was just like that's not a turtle right spit the kid out
and then
fucking took off and it still wasn't enough we come back around like bed bug eddie
and
fucking uh fucking pop of greenwich village
two alligators not three barney some irish alligator i don't know him
coast guard cruise find body and search for missing father three teens
oh my god people are out of their minds people go out on boats you know what i
mean stay on a lake a
lake is is is brutal enough just because a creepy thing a lake is usually so
fucking cold it never
gives up your body you just stay down there you know it doesn't get warm enough
for the gases in
your gut to fucking make you be a fucking floater you know that i learned that
reading that book the westies
that when they used to make people do the houdini as they say you know they
kill people and then they
would chop them up their big fucking thing was that you had to you had to you
had to gut them
you know because if you didn't you know whatever happens whatever happens when
you die you know there's
probiotics for the good bacteria in your gut then there's a bad bacteria that
bad bacteria that exists
in your gut your whole fucking life sits there waiting for you to die and when
you die it activates and
that's what fucking makes you decompose according to the person two stools down
from me at a diner one
time all right or maybe i saw it on the fucking internet i have no fucking idea
um on my way to a
slap fight or some shit whatever the fuck i was gonna watch by the way on
twitter i got another good one
okay world star hip-hop you got to follow those guys and then there's 30 second
fights
fucking unbelievable watch the guy back a car over a woman today she was up his
car right you know you
know how women when women flee you know flip out whatever the you did cheated
on them or whatever
they up your property because they're not going to get arrested for it because
they have a
clan right so this she's throwing at the guy and the guy's trying to drive
away and she throws like three or four things at him i don't know what it was
and finally she throws
this last thing at the guy and the guy just stops and starts backing up towards
her and i'm thinking
he's he's just gonna scare he's gonna bump her you know what i mean give her
the old you know a little
you know you know those bumpers you know most of them made out of flexible
plastic
figure worst case scenario she's gonna get a joe theisman this guy
bumped her and then just stomped on the gas and backed all the way over and
continued to go and then
and it was what kills me i was just i was like oh my god i thought she was dead
dude she got up
it was like a cartoon like i thought that only happened in a cartoon i would
think once you go
underneath a car that was going as fast as this guy i mean you just gotta think
man the
the rear axle you got the differential right there she's getting the right
there fred with the
differential forget about the tires how the car is hot all of that shit how it
didn't drag her down
the street it's one of the most brutal things i've ever seen having said that
they're not all like that
there's a lot of good fights on there if you like watching fights like i do i
enjoy watching
you know i like violence i like watching it i don't know why i like watching
animals attack each other
i like people fighting each other uh it's enjoyable to me but i also like you
know i like playing
horseshoes i like that uh what do we what do you call that i made a reference
to it my last special
where they slide on the ice with that giant like obese hockey puck that has a
handle on it curling i
like that too i can watch that white dude with the afro do the paintings on netflix
you know i'm gonna
put a happy tree right over there is that what you're gonna do yeah go ahead
and do that
shit i can watch the 700 club i can do a lot of shit but i at the end of the
day i still enjoy the
violence um all right las vegas awarded an nhl franchise oh jesus christ what
are they thinking
what are they trying to become the nba that you know i'll tell you right now
if you think the nba is fixed now wait till the vegas gets a team
kevin durant signing with golden state warriors warriors would be mutually
beneficial to who warrior
fans steven tyler says the aerosmith train won't keep a rolling after next tour
is the end near
jesus christ that'd be one is more intense mux calls tesla's solar city deal no-brainer
investors disagree
dude how is this this tesla guy man this guy's just he's with he's with some
old money
so the guy who make