Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 7-25-16
Uploaded: 2017-07-21T06:30:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 7-25-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 7-25-16' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-21. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 7-25-16

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
Monday, July 25th, 2016. What's going on? How are ya?
What's going on? The final Monday in July of 2016, and old freckles, old Billy
Redbeard,
old fucking Billy Fatface, fucking trying to get the weight off, okay? I'm
trying to get the weight off,
working out during the day, eating great, having a beer at night, fucking
losing everything that he
worked for. It's fucking ridiculous. It's ridiculous what one beer does, and I
just, I gotta do it. I
got a bunch of beers left over from the fucking 4th of July. They're taking up
all this space in my
fridge, and I'm not gonna throw them out. I mean, there's children that work in
the Budweiser factory
that fucking, you know, they sleep on piles of hay, right? They pay them 29
cents a month.
I don't know if that's true. Maybe it's hops. I don't know what they sleep on.
No, there's no
people. There's no children. There's no children working at Budweiser. That's,
that Peyton Manning
wouldn't invest in Budweiser. If there was children there, I'm just gonna go
get me a couple of Budweisers.
We had protection issues. Um, my wife's on steroids. Wasn't me. She blew out
her shoulder making, uh,
s'mores. So she had human growth hormone thrower. That's all I'm gonna say
about that before I put my
balls on somebody's head. I'm sorry. Believe it or not, I'm in a great mood. Um,
yeah, so I got these
fucking, I got all these beers in my fridge. What am I gonna, what am I, what
the fuck am I supposed
to do with them? I can't throw them out. I got Boddingtons. I got some Millers.
So I just have like
one a night, right? And then I have a home pour of fucking whiskey. That's all
she wrote. That's all
she wrote. I barely even get buzzed off of that too. And I wake up the next day
and I just feel like
shit. I don't know why I keep doing it. It's a habit. I have to break. I am a,
I am a one and a half
drink alcoholic. I have to have one and a half drinks and get a little buzzed
every night.
I want to go to a fucking AA meeting and say like, that's my problem.
You know, I'll never forget when I started going off the rails when I, uh, yeah,
I would have, uh,
I'd have one, um, Miller Lite tall in a can. And, uh, then I'd have a home pour
of, uh, whiskey
and, uh, of course, after I finished that, I would just stop and I'd go to
sleep. And the
next day I'd wake up and I'd be totally functional and I'd go to work, but I,
you know, I'd definitely
be a little grouchy. And, uh, that's my story.
Okay. Uh, thank you for sharing.
Next guy comes up. My uncle raped me with a 12 pack when I was five. Right.
They'd throw me out of there.
They'd be walking up, put down them donuts. I don't know why they all have
Southern accents in my world.
Everyone in AA's from the South.
You know why they never got over the war. They're still fighting it down there.
South's gonna rise
again and do what you're gonna secede from the union. You're gonna get old
Stonewall Jackson,
junior, junior, junior, junior to come back and take over for you. Yeah. You
know what I say to that?
I say good luck. I say good fucking, you know, do it. Just know this. You can't
have Florida.
And if you can't have Florida and you can't go to California, where are you
gonna take your kids?
Huh? When they say I, you know, when they, they're fucking sitting there
watching your Confederate TV.
Right. And it's a small world comes on, which is even more apropos, whatever
the fuck you say it,
because you just like nine fucking States down there, whatever the hell you are.
Right.
Yeah. It's a small world after all. And they're like, what do they call fathers
down in, uh,
what are the, what are they called? Been at your gym, dad. I want to go to
Disney world. You can't
cause you seceded from the union. You can't go to Disney's land and you can't
go to his fucking world.
You know where you can go. Talladega.
You can go see the Winston cup series. Huh? They got a water slide out there. I
don't think they do.
They got to have a bunch of adults skipping around and fucking outfits that
scare children.
They do not. So let me tell you something fucking there. Mason Dixon,
Mason and Dixon. Why don't you think twice? Think about everything you're going
to lose out on if
you seceded from the union. Huh? No more Disneyland, no more Disney world.
Sea world's down there. You don't get to see those fucking fish that don't want
to be there.
You know, a lot of people think like fish, like don't give a fuck that they're
in a tank.
You know, just because they, they, they don't have an ability to speak to us
that therefore that means they're, they're fine with it.
We treat fish like immigrants. You know, the fish is fucking looking at you.
You just like speak English.
You got a problem with that tank. Spit it out.
Fucking sit there staring at me with your eyes on the side of your fucking scaly
head.
Just be happy. I didn't eat you. You look at me one more time. I'll cut your
fucking head off.
I'll roll you in some flour with an egg wash and I'll deep fry you motherfucker.
And I'll make your friends watch.
Sit there and fucking stare at me. Like I work for you. I don't work for you.
Who here's in the tank?
That's right. I didn't think so. I didn't think so. Um,
anyways, um, Bill, why are you so off the fucking walls today? You know why?
Because I, I, I, we wrapped
at least the, uh, script writing part of season two of efforts for family,
which means I get to go back
to being a fucking 14 year old who has no fucking job, no responsibilities, no
nothing.
Just a bunch of beers in my fridge that I'm slowly going to kill. I do the elliptical
in the morning
and then I give it all back with a can of beer. And that's what I do, right?
While I fucking wear out
my joints. That's all I'm really doing right now. I'm just maintaining. Um, isn't
that what a lot of
people in this digital age are just trying to do? Aren't they just trying to
maintain, just trying to
keep their heads above water in this time of change and robots? Um, if they
fucking, does the election,
has that happened yet? Jesus fucking, you can't go near the goddamn TV.
Everybody's so
fucking scared. Oh, it's going to happen. Nothing. It's going to continue on
the way it's supposed to
go. And whether the fucking comb over or the clam gets in the house, it's going
to go in the direction
that the money wants it to go into. And if it doesn't, okay, they're going to
Dallas, right?
And they're not going to be in a Tesla. They're going to fucking roll out that
63 fucking stretch
Lincoln convertible. That's right. They're going to get the old right there,
Fred, to their fucking
Jesus Christ. The two of them, you know what I mean? Their heads. You know what?
If I was in secret
service, there would be a head size that you could not be above, you know, or,
or else the president
would have to sign a waiver, just like, you know, both of them, Hillary and
fucking and Trump. They
have, they have like, like, if you could make sliders out of Ted Kennedy's head,
that's what the
fuck they have. That is the most amazing thing about Ted Kennedy. He had the
biggest fucking head out of
all of them. And he, nobody ever took him out. You know, you would think that
that fucking guy out of
all of them, they all had big squashes, right? You know, it's all good looking
men do, right? You got
to have a big head, big stupid head with the square jaw, and that look in your
eye like everything's
going to be okay. The kind of thing that make women go, oh, he could pay for
all my stuff, right?
One of those heads. Well, what's his face? Ted Kennedy was ahead of his time.
No pun intended, right?
If you wanted to know how fat people were going to get, if you want to know how
big sodas were going
to get, if you want to know how fucking ridiculous, you know, McMansions and
all this shit and all the
stuff that we were going to buy in the age of consumerism, right? If you were
back in the 1950s
trying to guess, you had to wager which way is it going to go? Are we going to
go back to living on
dirt floors and log cabins? Are we going to have kegerators and fucking
chocolate fountains in our
houses? All you had to do is look at Ted Kennedy's head and be like, there it
is. That right there,
that's an omen. You know, the interesting thing about Ted Kennedy's head, it
was in his entire
time he was alive, it was never backlit, ever. People tried, there just was
never enough light,
you know? There's not even a picture of him like blocking out the fucking, like
not even the sun
could reach around either side. It just became night when he walked outside.
Hey,
I'm saying he had a big head, you know? Um, I got a big head. I got a big head.
I do.
Literally and figuratively. I got a giant head. I got a fucking ego and a half
because I got the whole
week off and what am I going to do? I'm going to rest up getting ready for my
European tour
like the red headed whore that I am. And, uh, I'm going to fucking Tuesday
night. I'm going to be
at the Steve Allen theater on Hollywood Boulevard, the Boulevard of dreams. Um,
I'm going to be there
and, uh, just basically saying my shit. So, you know, I just, all you need to
do is just
fucking say it a few times, right? Just mutter it to myself, walk around the
block, talk to myself,
hands in my pocket, vigorously scratching the side of my ball sack, right?
Having the cops come by,
having them pull over, asking me what I'm doing. Do I live around here? Are you
a vagrant?
Um, sorry. Did you guys see Rudy Giuliani's speech about the policeman? That
was one of the funniest
fucking things I've ever seen in my life. The way he was trying to get that
crowd going, you know?
They come to your house. They'll take a bullet for you. All right. I wanted him
to keep going.
You know, he just basically distra, described police officers jobs, but I
wanted him to keep going.
And I wanted him to, to, to betray how wealthy he is and, and the influential
friends that he has,
you know, they come to your house.
They say you're under arrest, but you have your lawyer meet him in the driveway.
And they say Rudy
will turn himself in in three days. And they all leave. And the charges go away.
I wanted, I wanted him to go that far because here's the deal. You know, the
way the police are
being painted right now is fucking ridiculous. It's the same way. You know, if
one comic sucks,
then every fucking comic out there has a lampshade on their fucking head. You
know what I mean?
There's definitely some terrible people that are police officers, but that
doesn't mean that they're
all bad. Okay. Now, Rudy Giuliani, you can't fucking stand there where you
exist in society with your
skin color and think that you can accurately describe police officers. You know,
you need
somebody a little more mid range. Well, maybe it's good that he said that. Okay.
Now we got the high
end, right? Black people fucking said their end. And then you just need
somebody in the middle.
Now you still can't do it. You still can't do it because of racism. You got to
try to balance
the whole fucking thing out. Um, I don't know. Who knows? Yeah. You think, you
know,
it'd be great with the, with the, the fucking cell phone cameras. And then the
cops
film themselves. What would be great is if somebody fucked up as a cop, if they
actually got fired,
if they actually fucking were punished and went to jail, if they actually
murdered somebody,
not like, you know, one or two or three people, if they'd actually just started
doing that,
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if there's any fucking solution to it.
You know what
I mean? It's a hell of a fucking job to have where you got to walk up to a
fucking car, not knowing if
you're going to get shot or not. That would make me a little edgy. You know
what I mean? I think a lot
of cunts can sit in their fucking lead living room perf when they're perfectly
safe, being like, oh,
you know what I would do? This is what I wou