Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 7-31-17
Uploaded: 2017-07-31T17:42:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 7-31-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 7-31-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-31. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 7-31-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday july
31st 2017 what's going on how are you what's going on oh jesus christ how's
your summer
huh is it gonna be a heat wave the heat's coming back oh my god please try to
stay inside inside
the air conditioning if you don't have air conditioning please try to remember
to keep
your windows open and stick your head through the opening in the window not in
the solid part of the
wall you know when they do that shit on the news they try to help old people
not die in the summer
heat what a fucking way to go you live almost a century and you you know you've
lived through the
wars you've lived through the depression you've lived through the fucking new york
in the 70s and
all that what finally gets you a hot summer day and you're just sitting there
what am i so swelling
for and you just can't you just can't get to the window it's like when you'd
watch wrestling right
and it's one of those tag team wrestling matches and the guy just can't get to
his teammate to
fucking slap his hand and tag him in that's what it is and that's it they lie
there they find him face
down in wrestling trunks the greatest generation stormed the beaches of normandy
taken out by a
fucking heat wave does it every year how many heroes how many years people are
we going to put up with
the sun taking another one of our heroes away i swear to god you know maybe if
there was a different
administration they would handle the threat of the sun right am i talking
politics now is that what i'm
doing let's talk politics why why do we keep fucking with this douche in korea
why don't you just leave him alone you know what i mean it's like when you're
on the subway and the
crazy guy comes in the car you don't look at him you don't start talking to him
just leave him alone
leave him alone here's another thing too why don't they just let the guy
you know run his country the way he wants to run his country send some food in
there feed the people
why does he have to have the same ideas about strip malls that we do in order
us for us to get along
with them huh haven't we proven that it doesn't matter what kind of government
you have in the end
there's going to be human beings running it so they're going to selfishly the
whole thing up anyways
who gives a if he's over there lighting off his m80s let him do it
the guy is clearly unbelievably insecure he clearly is is trying to somehow
follow in the footsteps of his
dad's giant shoes although he's probably smaller i don't know how tall those
guys are over there
but whatever tall for over there big shoes for north korea especially with all
the lack of nutrition
that's got to stunt the growth of your feet he's there right why don't they
just you know
we should like when he shoots something off we should just feed his ego oh
there you go
way to go there kim jong il the second whatever your name is hey you fatty
cakes that was a good one
dude that's sick you like that look at look at ours that's awesome fist bump
good man good man hey
here's a uh here's a copy of the last year's super bowl check it out man it's
amazing what do you got
you got a gangdom style dvd you want to trade with us why can't we just try to
get along with this guy
what is the problem huh like we give a what the he's doing to his people
these who run over here they don't give a how many people are upside down in
their own house they
didn't give a about the people in new orleans they give a about those people in
north korea
no they do not no they do not you know what it is they're sitting on a bunch of
material that you
could turn into those doctor those beats by dray and god damn it we want it so
that's what we're
gonna do we're gonna act like this goddamn fatso with his three missiles is
going to be a problem
um yeah i don't understand just leave the guy alone they're talking now right
according to google news
that i didn't even read it all i did was just click on it says u.s allies
prepared to use overwhelming
force in north korea general says uh we're prepared to shoot a bunch of
missiles in his general area
says the the general hoping that one of them lands on him and we kill as few
innocent people as possible
they would never say that the u.s and its allies prepared to use rapid and
lethal
rapid lethal and overwhelming force if necessary against north korea the
commander of the u.s pacific air
forces warned saturday night and why are we doing this because this guy's
shooting off his own fireworks
because he's testing missiles the way we do uh north korea remains the most
urgent threat
to regional stability oh shaughnessy said oh shaughnessy you've done it again
oh jesus christ do we really got to go in there and blow this guy up with a
bunch of other people just
trying to get to work there's got to be another way to do it don't don't don't
we have any james bond guys that can just kind of go in there and start banging
the hottest
chicks in north korea as they subtly try to kill him you know but the power of
his dick is so
overwhelming they forget to kill him and then he realized then by the time they
realize i was supposed
to kill that guy but i was so busy having orgasms right he's already out the
door he's got the passcodes
and then he goes down there how would you kill that guy how would you kill that
fat bastard
you know you know what i would do i'd give him a honey of a ham you know the
glazed ones that
they have around christmas except in the glaze would be some sort of cyanide
that's where you hide the
poison you know and he would just be staring at it and he would just mouth
would be watering so much
that he couldn't wait for the official taste tester to give it a try you know
and he would literally die
while making himself a sandwich you know when you're so hungry you're making
the sandwich and
you're already throwing chunks of meat in your mouth that's what he would be
doing so it'd be two
places what does he look he looks like a white bread guy doesn't he he's
definitely not a multi-grain
you know do you think he gets an everything bagel on the way to work every day
that hairless bastard i bet he doesn't even have to wear deodorant
you know there's a lot of things to like about him he's fat you know so he's
non-threatening
you know that means he likes he likes to stay up late netflix and chill you can
see that about him
you know do you think he knows how to dance have you noticed that about little
people and uh
in fact and fat people they transcend race when it comes to dancing you know it's
like white guys can't
dance pretty much general unless they're fat or they're a little person then
all of a sudden they're
just it's just like wow were you in the beat it video what's going on here it's
because they had to
that's what happens you have to there's a certain amount of ice cream that you
eat
where the laws of nature just take over and at some point you have to learn how
to dance
or you're just going to be heading into an abyss of sadness that you know there's
not
enough chips ahoy in the world can fill that void or is it that they they get
that sweat into
the oldies richard simmons thing and that just kind of launches this talent
they didn't know this
is just for fat people i don't know about little people you know i think little
people because
they're down at the ground they can see the steps easier you know we're like
when michael jackson first
moonwalked you know everybody was as tall as michael jackson so we couldn't
figure out what he was
doing with his feet but little people were down at the ground they i got that
right and the next day
you're in the subway don't don't don't don't don't don't oh boom boom and it
was like eight little
people all coming at you i'm telling you yeah did you ever see that
you ever go into the subways of brooklyn and there was a bunch of little people
doing recreating the bad
video no no what's going on i'm in a stupid mood i'm trying to how would you
solve north korea
i have no idea you know it's fine he's like a baby he's like baby fat that's
what i like about that
guy like if he wore shorts he'd probably look like uh old cutie pies there are
you getting ready for a
nap oh you did you did you want to go to brooklyn today and watch us eat real
people food while you
keep drinking milk um all right no i don't know i don't know what i was talking
i was talking about
some stupid um yeah so why why like honestly what would happen if we just left
that guy alone
you know what would happen if you just i'm seriously asking this if you lifted
all the
sanctions and he was able to trade with the world and they were able to get
some food
in there whatever the is going on if you just honestly just let him do his
i mean we shoot our missiles all the time we don't use it yeah we do
this is what kills me how do we even know what the he's doing over there
who has time to be watching this
can you imagine if that was your goddamn job and then you're going home on the
subway and then you're
sitting next to me and you're watching me losing my because i can't download
the new operating system
and you're sitting there dealing with the fact that there's some chubby little
fella
on the other side of the world shooting us some that could possibly be on its
way over here right now
i don't know do you think if the animals had the abilities they had the ability
to shoot those
missiles do you think they would do it in an effort to try to wipe all of us
out so they could just go
back to catching trout in a stream you know if there was going to be an animal
out there that would
betray us which which species do you think it would be you know it'd have to be
something at least at
the level of a bear reptiles are out reptiles are like you know they're they're
they're like you know
they're those kids that go to the the like reptiles have like learning
disabilities right they have like
dyslexia uh add you know they're like the ritalin kids of the animal kingdom
are they even considered an
animal there's a reptile an animal i always forget this an amphibian
right an amphibian is something that can uh be uh it's like aquaman right he's
under the ocean he's
talking to a dolphin and then later on that night you know he's getting sushi
well that'd be up right
he's on a date getting sushi there's dates sitting there looking at him like
you know you just seem
like you're somewhere else you just got like the way of the world and he's
sitting there going like
i wonder if i'm eating somebody that helped me out one time
remember that for some reason they would all come and help them
they never really explained that did they why they all liked him why they would
interrupt whatever the
it is that they were doing to stop some other people in a boat because they're
bringing a key of cocaine or some into the u.s and it's just like like
a whale doesn't even know what cocaine is
why is it going to hurt its tail smashing this boat because as much as it could
smash the boat this
this pointy stuff right there's the mast and all of that he could hurt himself
and all he gets is the thank you
you know does aquaman go hey thanks a lot by the way there's a bunch of plankton
over there
little heads up no one's seen it yet ah thank you aquaman he never did you just
be like oh thank you
how insecure are these goddamn fish um
here's another thing too i'm sick of hot newscasters male and female all right
what
do you what are you trying to do here you know i don't need to be aroused when
i'm listening to world news
holy what happened to that lady's face
oh it won't go down come on go down scroll down
oh man i i don't i don't get how to use computers there's something on the side
where is it where's
the lady all right an arizona woman played dead
all right wait a second oh this is all this click bait stuff kendall jenner's
nude photo sparks
who gives a she really is the best looking one of all of them isn't she no
offense to caitlin
um all