Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 8-7-17
Uploaded: 2017-08-08T17:25:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 8-7-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 8-7-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-08. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 8-7-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday august
7th lucky 7 2017 what's going on dude he yelled he said seven i thought seven
and then he yelled
lucky seven dude i'm gonna play that fucking number dude i'm going down to
christie's and
i'm getting me a fucking set for life getting seven of them why can't i fucking
hear myself
i'm screaming loud enough aren't i you know people when you're not talented
what you have to do is
yell if you don't believe that watch my fucking last fucking whatever i mean i
don't know how many
special i've done you know when you're talking the amount of shit i do why can't
i hear myself the way
i want to hear myself why can't i hear me the way i used to am i going deaf is
that what's going on
how's that is that too much hello hello test one two two two two two two two
two two two
two the fuck is with this thing do i have it on some sort of fucking parental
mode
you know hearing loss is one of the number one causes of hearing loss
in 2017 because these earbuds that are all the rage with the children
um i actually had time today to go over and go play drums today and i put on a
fucking add clinic
jesus christ i like practice 9 000 things got better at nothing that's how i
practice hey let's do double
bass for two minutes hey let's work on singles and doubles hey let's do the
jazz right pad hey let's
fucking do some bottom triplets all right just kept going and going but you
know what i i didn't sound
that bad i had a good time i fucking love that kit though i had the small setup
a lot of you guys gave
me shit because i had fucking three floor toms like oh what's your dirt one for
you fucking keys and uh
you fucking toupee i don't own a toupee all right you can't own a toupee it
just it you know what i
mean although i bet they make them really good right now but i just it would
just be like wearing this
fucking hat you could never take off you know you wake up in the morning and
you got your little roller
you know with the glue you know you're just going over your scalp you know you're
doing that your wife
comes walking in i mean jesus christ i mean she's gonna be banging another guy
within three days if
your fucking woman walks in while you're gluing hair to the top of your head
all right and she
doesn't leave you that woman is a saint you know what i mean i love the guys
who have like the
fucking the toupee and then they can't even get like the like the the sides to
match it you know what
i mean it's like dude are you fucking colorblind do you really think that that
that's blending into what
you got on the sides you know what's funny too is when you go down the toupee
road um
they don't i don't know as far as i know they don't make any white ones like if
you're an older
guy so then you got to die the you got on the side right so then it just makes
people look at
your head like you're just like this guy's like 60 how does he have jet black
oh good lord look at that
fucking thing jay jay um you know i don't like about toupees actually hair
plugs now is they're too
good now used to be you used to be able to tell and you could really fuck
somebody up in conversation
you all need to do i don't give a how smart they were all you do is just kind
of look up at it and
then look back at them and then they were just for the rest of the conversation
and those days are gone
now because they got too goddamn good at it um so anyways i was playing you
know playing all the
drum shit and uh at this point because my drum teacher is out on the road i
haven't been taking any
lessons you know drum teacher dave elich out with the night game um opening for
uh dave no not that
everyone said dave matthews no john mayer opening for john mayer with steve jordan
on drums jesus christ
you get to see dave elich and then you get to see steve jordan how about that
hey there's a
fucking evening for you you know that be enough for your goddamn millennials um
yeah so i haven't
been taking lessons but uh so i just it's actually kind of been a good thing
because i can go back to
all this that i never got down that he showed me uh while developing new bad
habits
but i know i'm kidding anyways i'm having a great time so people give me
because i got the three floor toms but this is why i did it this was the method
to my madness
right i got 12 inch rack then i got a 14 16 18 floor tom so and then a 22 kick
right so um i hate
having two rack toms but i ended up ordering another one so i got a 12 and i
got 13 coming so now i can
go big or small people big or small i can either go 12 14 16 or 13 16 18
depending on whatever the
fucking whatever song i'm gonna go butcher on the goddamn comedy jam all right
why can't i just have a hobby
without people criticizing it why can't people just say hey nice drum kit dude
uh what do you got the
dirt fucking floor talk for yeah jesus i don't know
because i'm trying to get out of the the bottom uh
death spin i went on for 30 years i'm just trying a different setup that's all
i was doing
got more goddamn for that um that and saying nuclear instead of nuclear
you know i love the word police you know what i mean it's just like where are
you gonna get in life
with that you know it's not nuclear it's nuclear i've always said nuclear i've
always said it it sounds
right to me rolls off the tongue a little bit easier than nuclear it's a
nuclear weapon not nuclear
laughing my ass off let me ask you this where are you laughing your ass off
where exactly are you in
your life because as dumb as i am i'm doing all right you know is there is
there a job that you
can do where you dot all your i's cross all your t's and correct spelling what
are you gonna be like
i guess a teacher is that what it is do i have a bunch of teachers following me
on twitter
i don't know why they wouldn't you know good lord these people that are always
like
there's so much i used to say palo instead of pillow get the palace off the
i mean i've you know it's just you just say in a different way because
does that mean you don't know what the you put your head on at night
where does that get you
can you make a living doing crossword puzzles those are those kind they're good
at uh
so do coo is sudoku whatever the you say that su do coo for you right they're
they're good at that
dude she's really smart she can do the new york times she can do the new york
times crossword puzzle
great fantastic now where does that get you
where does that get you in life
i mean i don't know i mean tell me tell me how that's holding me back that's
what i want to know
and i know i'm kind of harping on this but this is like the 900th word you guys
have
fucking corrected me on it i i don't give a shit i like nuclear sounds like it's
more
fucking like the missiles spinning a little bit more nuclear like nuclear let's
keep it clear here
it comes nuclear it's like well it's a little shoulder roll in there nuclear i
like it i'm keeping
it off um you know do you guys like right jay-z every time he says ho when you're
like uh actually
it's horror laughing my ass off um i bet you don't right because you're
liberals
you know but you you're a white male up and what do you do you hold my alabaster
feet to the fire
don't you i've had a little bit i've had enough of it all right i've had enough
of people trying to
make me not sound like i'm ashamed of how stupid i am i'm not okay i i saw the
carrot man and i walked towards it
i knew what i was good at i knew being a loud mouth fucking moron was what i
was good at and i
just did that okay i'm not gonna ever be in a classroom teaching people how to
spell or pronounce
shit okay so let it go the ship has sailed there's no hope for me all right but
you know what the drill
is the real reason people they're not doing it for me they're doing it for them
to show how smart they
are oh it's not turtle it's turtle laughing my ass off i know how to say that
fucking amphibians name
oh but actually it's not an amphibian will you stop it it's not an amphibian an
amphibian has the ability
shut the fuck up you know what those what are those people are they practicing
to be on a game show
is that what it is that's like the smart way a person plays the lottery i guess
right the lottery
you just can be a dope like me going dude you see that nuclear weapon and then
you go and let me get
a fucking set for life right that's how i try to make it okay the smarty pants
who can do the
fucking who can actually do the new york times crossword puzzle is now you know
trying to get
on like wheel of fortune because you know that's like the dumbest crossword you
can do whatever the
it doesn't is that a crossword no it isn't right it's like guess the letters it
looks like a crossword
but it is but i just love that you can be smart enough to do the new york times
crossword puzzle
and then still you're gonna get on there right and you gotta spin a wheel
and spinning that wheel there's no intelligence you just spin it
right you can be the smartest person on the world and you're gonna roll lose a
turn
or bankrupt and it's over
um i like watching jeopardy when uh you know there's somebody just you just can't
defeat this guy and all
these other smarty pants get on there in their whole life they were the
smartest one
you know you know those people that don't like drink and they like they play
board games like
let's play trivial pursuit you know what i mean let's let's play whatever those
games i have to tell you
um some of the saddest moments in my adult life is i've gone to parties and all
of a sudden they break out
board games and you ever see like when somebody's on hidden video and they
start looking around like
what the and the crowd starts laughing like that's the look on my face like
yeah they're not gonna do
this they're not doing this are they does does everybody have to play like i
don't want to do this
i don't want to do one of my five years old
you know are we trapped in a cabin and then there's no television
no this is great you can connect with me i'll play some cards
you know i like how cards is like i would you know about cards it's just like
there's a sleazy like vibe to cards that i've always enjoyed even though i don't
play a lot of
cards but you know even like those old ladies seen some old lady with their bony
fingers
fucking shuffling not even looking talking some she's got her favorite little
candies right to the
right you know in a dish you know i saw an old-school old lady today i was in i
was down at the grocery
store buying some food right and uh this lady comes around the corner she had
on like this turquoise blazer
with like some sort of brooch i forget what she had underneath it she had white
slacks on white
shoes and a white purse just old school dressed to the nine she looked great
total class act
made me miss my grandmother my grandmother was a sharp dresser they always
those people they knew
how to dress you know what i mean and then they'd buy a pair of shoes and god
damn it they took care of
them not like us today you know well every black person i knew they always took
care of their
fucking sneakers you know what i mean keep the fucking things looking brand new
you know taking
out a goddamn you know the nail brush scrubbing the sides right that was
another white privilege
moment right how you could just have dirty sneakers and that was okay what man
i went outside and they
got dirty man i didn't keep watching i mean just he's always gonna be dirt out
here man
i remember when patrice used to give me for my sneakers being dirty i was just
like i mean
i ain't a beauty pageant he's like bill if you were black and you walked out i'm
like i'm not black
this is totally socially acceptable for me i get it you have new sneakers on
congratulations
um anyways i don't know what the i'm talking about i'm doing this this sunday
night because
as always i have a million things to do uh during this time of year as we're
writing um
season three three thr