Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-17-17
Uploaded: 2017-08-18T16:36:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-17-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-17-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-18. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-17-17

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast for
monday
sorry for thursday no it isn't it's not the money it's a thursday afternoon
just before
friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking
in on you
how you doing what are you what are you done today huh did you watch the news
did you fill
your head up with all the fucking craziness on the news isn't it great watching
the news
oh yeah hey i'm waking up i'm feeling good you know what let's turn on the news
why would you put on the fucking news what are you gonna see are you gonna see
an accurate portrayal
of what's going on stick your head out the fucking window huh look at your
neighbor hey buddy how you
do it look at him huh walking out to his car with his little brown sack with
his fucking lunch in it
huh is he saluting hitler you know is uh has he got a bomb strapped around his
waist has he got a
mosquito on his head that's biting him so he has babies with little heads jesus
fucking christ the
goddamn the hysteria the hysteria that these news organizations social media
and all of this shit
has created like you just need that i'm just i'm fucking i'm walking away man i'm
walking away
i'm done i don't need to know what's going on i don't need to be informed okay
because walking
around in a constant state of fucking hysteria is i don't think that that is
being informed when
my real my reality my day-to-day is i get in a car i drive to a building and i
write dialogue for
cartoon characters occasionally i get to play drums i do stand up i hang out
with my wife and is that my
daughter right i hang out with my daughter and that's it but i put on the news
and i will literally
think that there's a glacier melting right above me that's gonna drown me polar
bears are gonna swim
in and eat me with uh bombs strapped around their waist everybody relax and all
these people
fucking going on there and they're just so and so got on tv and told trump
supporters i love these people
that like you know on these fucking news channels they go on and they fucking
you know give the other
side a piece of their mind as if the other side even sees it they're too busy
like watching their own
shit and even if they see your shit you're not going to sway them i'd equate it
to all those years
i lived in new york city as a boston red sox fan during that time i didn't have
money for the
baseball package so i used to watch the yes network i always watched yankee
home games always home and
away whatever i rooted against them the entire time i watched them i watched
more yankee games from 1999
to 2007 than i watched red sox games so in theory i should have become a yankee
fan but i i did not
because i was a staunch uh red freckled faced red sox fan and that's it so all
these people going on tv
talking about these people now these jerkoffs are gonna go up to boston right
you know 18 jerkoffs you know i know it's more than that but everybody oh my
god the nazis taking
over and then they're gonna they're gonna show the footage of boston and bussing
and all of that
from way back in the day is this a perfect storm of racism for that the god of
boston
is hitler really dead when we return his body was never found
according to reports there was an angry looking jerk-off riding around in a mercedes-benz
spotted just last year
down in south america um i'm done with all of it
it's absolute fucking hysteria out there these people are losing their fucking
minds
losing their minds screaming and yelling at each other nobody's listening to
anybody everybody's
acting like the fucking sky is falling one fat fuck shoots off a fucking
missile and everybody loses their
shit one missile we do that every fucking day we're worried about this guy
one fucking fat guy with
i i just don't understand the level of freaking freak out that's going on you
know
it's fine yankees are playing the red sox this weekend all right college
football's coming up nfl
football baseball playoffs are coming it's all gonna be fine all right i gotta
tell you there's always
been nazi supporters and they've kind of always have rallies but it's not like
they're growing you know what i mean
are they i gotta be honest with you you don't get any whiter than me and i've
never gotten a flyer
no one's ever asked me to join i don't walk down the street hey hey
you know guten tag
look i'm not saying these aren't important issues but i'm just saying the level
that people are freaking out all right
just need to relax just relax man okay you can vote against whoever you want to
vote against
very soon right isn't it like midterm elections and then there's this other you
know what's gonna
happen you know what's gonna happen okay this this country goes we're going way
over here
i'm gonna go back over here so anyways whatever how you doing how was your thursday
afternoon huh
got good people in your life did you have a sandwich today ah wasn't that
delicious
was there a terrorist in your sandwich
was there a little nazi flag on the toothpick that they stuck in your club
sandwich there
i'm gonna say there was i'm gonna go out on a limb and i'm gonna say there wasn't
i'm actually doing
the trump hand thing right now where you put your index finger on your on your
thumb i like it the
other three fingers stick up you know what's great about it you really feel
like you're driving your
point home i'm gonna start doing that with my wife okay i'll tell you right now
there's gonna be
cold cold beer in the fridge um you know what the biggest crisis in my life is
right now is i i cannot
fucking i could not sustain a workout or eating well for any significant amount
of times to prevent me
from staying at the fucking weight or gaining weight i just can't do it this
fucking writer's room you're
just sitting in there with all these people you love watching them slowly die
that's what it is because
no matter how few calories you eat you're sitting on your fucking ass for eight
to ten hours a day and
you just can't you can't fucking do it i'm so fucking pissed at myself right
now i'm gonna have to start
doing two a days i'm gonna work out in the morning and i'm just gonna have to
like i don't know what to
do i went out last night and i i did uh i did a show down at largo and i
stopped eating it like you
know i don't know when the fuck i didn't want to have like five o'clock i don't
even remember what i had
for dinner 5 30 or something like that oh then i got down to the club and i was
hungry and i went to
this vegetarian restaurant those things oh i didn't eat meat yeah but what did
you eat what was in that
fucking sauce you know it's going right to your ass right your stomach and then
um
you know i had one one whiskey that was it and then i came home and i'm
starving my wife had a
little bit of thai food and i had that and i'm just i'm i'm killing myself i
don't know i got it
i got it i don't know what happened to my discipline um i don't know i'm just
under a lot of stress right
now i guess that's why i'm having this reaction to the news and everybody's
watching it and then they're
coming in and they're like can you believe this can you believe this it's just
like all right okay
you know it'd be great in the news if they if they showed the amount of people
last week
who didn't get in a car and plow down a bunch of people like a complete piece
of that
would be the rest of us and then this one does it and then everybody starts
thinking
is this what the world's going to be like now is this going to happen is this
how i don't know how awful a parent did that person have jesus christ you know
i think when your
kid starts putting like the hitler poster on the wall it's time to be a little
more involved
maybe sign him up for volleyball or something try to get him out there you know
i don't know what you do with that is there a hotline for that uh 1-800 my son's
into hitler
uh 1-800 i keep finding two holes poked in the pillowcases um you know what i
mean there's
unconditional love and then there's hitler right who's kidding who and then it's
kind of like all
right you know what uh i think it's uh time to ship you off to the loony bin
and let's make a new kid
it's time to make a new kid son you know what you're like an old star it's time
to go wish you're like
brett farve when he got shipped to the jets it's over for you it's over okay
you can't make the pass
across the field anymore you know what i mean you've lost your vision and you
got posters of hitler it's
over we're trading you to the new york jets and we're bringing in a new is that
a baby baby man
we're having a that's what i would do if my kid became a racist i would turn my
kid in
and then i would just make a new kid that's it i you know go back to the draft
you know what i mean or maybe you adopt basically sign a free agent
you really have to have a strict no hitler policy in your house you just have
to have it um
anyways i saw this thing where uh people were going on to and white people
going on and ancestry.com
were not pleased with some of the results yeah i mean that's gonna happen right
it's gonna happen
you're gonna find a couple of surprises in there that's gonna up with your
manifesto
you know i would love if you could what the did they do with hitler anyways
what i mean even if he lived he's got to be dead by now right when was that guy
born 1890 something
he's so evil like maybe he's still alive just the hate is keeping him going
you know just picture him with like a ss walker screaming with every step
trying to get to the toilet
you know to take a master race
ah if they only just encouraged his painting if that had only happened then you
wouldn't have
all this craziness well you still would they'd find something else um anyways
red sox up down up
down up down against this week and uh yankees i think they won last night
against the mets so the
red sox yankees play this weekend right everybody's gonna have a good time
enjoy the game i take me out
to the ball game take me out to the crowd buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks
you know scan your fingerprints at tiger stadium because you are a dope dope um
so anyways i'm gonna start doing two-a-day workouts that's what i gotta do and
i just have to i have to
commit um i'm trying to figure out this new life that i have with this writer's
room because
it takes up so much so much of my time that um you know i have a very finite
amount of time to
work out and still actually keep my stand-up act going and all of this and i
think it's causing me
stress and uh maybe that's the problem maybe i'm just old i don't know i gotta
fight it dude i can't
have the fucking dad bod you know you're just like just thick the big fucking
your stupid skinny arms
coming out the side that mr potato head fucking body you know i can't fucking
do it
i guess also because i blew out my shoulder which is finally the thing is is is
better now i'm going
really slow i had the uh the rotator cuff going on right so i'm now this
morning i actually for the
first time in like a year i had the barbell and i was benching and i had five
pounds on each side
that's how long and slow this process is and i felt like a just a little
something and i was going
to do three sets and i said i immediately stopped which is what you have to do
with an injury you have
to immediately go you know what this i'm not doing this anymore so anyways let's
let's you know what
let's let's google some news google cancels cancels domain registration for
daily stormer
all right let's see what we got here google has canceled oh this is gonna be
more hate group
shit uh justin bieber made an unknown 17 year old famous with a single picture
uh really a reporter calls out huckabee's claim that countless fbi employees
were
that's like reporting now you just put your headline is really three death
foods you should avoid
death foods okay all right let's just read this one let's see we see we're
canceling daily stormer's
registration with g