Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 9-4-17
Uploaded: 2017-09-05T17:40:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 9-4-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 9-4-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-05. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 9-4-17

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast for
monday september
4th 2017 how's it going how are you happy fucking labor day happy labor day
happy labor day you
don't have to go to fucking work unless you're the guy that owns the fucking
business then you
never get to sleep do you you should have stuck with your first wife but you
threw her out and
now you got a fucking 20 something fucking car and she wants to spend all your
money all right sorry
anyways oh you know something you worked hard all year god damn it it's nice
that you got a fucking
a monday off isn't it don't you wish it was the way it is in europe
i don't know how they do it over there you know they all got fucking health
insurance
they get like 53 weeks off a year then like the whole fucking continent shuts
down in august
everybody just says fuck it we're not working and somehow it keeps going is it
because their
countries are so small oh look at the little country is that what it is
and over here is so fucking big you know just to mow your yard takes half the
goddamn summer over here
all of us fat fucks wallowing around our giant pieces of property riding a four-wheeler
shooting a
guns you fucking live over there in europe man you got you got nothing you got
a flat
you know you and five other guys fucking addicted to heroin when some baby
drowns in a toilet whatever
that fucking movie was you know you got nothing or maybe you maybe you got a
house and it's got like
the fucking it's got that roof that looks like a bale of hay that someone braided
in looks like a weave
but with like hay i don't know what it is over there but all i know is they
still have castles
some of them still have kings and queens and they they get they get like august
off it's just off
you know when they get free health care
they pay a bunch of fucking taxes but i gotta be honest you pay a bunch of
taxes here too
i think it's just because we're bigger got the wide open fucking roads i'm
gonna go with that
i'm gonna go with that and i'm never gonna read up about it and that's what i'm
gonna
say if that topic's ever brought up like hey how come uh come they get all this
vacation time
and if a woman has a kid over there uh she doesn't have to be back to work on
monday
how come that is ah because they're little tiny countries you know they have
little tiny hospitals
you know little tiny teeth that they don't brush you know it's it's it's europe
what are you gonna do
that's why their cars go better into corners they have little tiny streets and
they gotta they
they're gonna zigzag around some you know that that's basically what it is it's
not like america
some woman gives birth on friday hey gene make sure you're here on monday
pump that kid out do whatever it is you got to do have your godness stick a
weed whacker up or a
reverse blower up there and suck the kid out and be back to work we'll give you
monday off then you
got to be here on tuesday that's how it works here in america everybody wonders
why we're so fat
it has nothing to do with our poison food we're just stressed
you know if you guys didn't have a whole month of august off over there in
europe i'd love to see if
you guys actually had to work over there and worry about you know i need a new
pancreas how am i going
to afford that right which is easily the cost of at least three flat screen tvs
that's the going rate
for a pancreas if i remember correctly all right if you were dealing with that
stress i'd like to see
how many donuts you be eating you know uh speaking of which uh billy no fun
billy no fun is on his 18th
day of not boozing 18 days not booze and i barely even remember what it tastes
like at this point you
know i'm dropping weight this is the time of night when it sucks um you know in
the morning it's great
i wake up my stomach's flatter than it was the day before i feel good but it's
like at night i mean
it's sunday night i don't have to go to work on monday i have tomorrow off like
all of you guys well
you're listening to it today you know you can't tell me you know i mean as as a
human being
i i have to go out and get hammered right i mean what kind i mean i if i don't
i mean if i was running
the cia i'd be like is this guy in isis is he some sort of religious fanatic um
oh billy red cakes oh
billy red velvet i'm staying away from the sugar i'm being an angel i'm being
an angel because i
might have some acting work in um in october so uh i gotta make sure i'm down
to my fighting weight
my fighting weight a buck 72 that's what i need to be at whenever i shoot
something you know all
these actresses out here talk about how it's so hard for them as if a guy can
go on and be a bloated
fat and not get for it okay that's not how it works they can get to you through
social media they go
right at you and they tell you that you're a bloated fat what happened to you
you got old where'd your
hair go all of that you know what i mean but you know you know what it is about
people they look out
their own heads all right they look at the world in a two-dimensional way they
look out their heads
they observe something and then they put it in their head and they process it
with their previous
experience and then to them that is the truth that is what's going on in the
world they look at it from
their fucking angle they don't realize it that it's 360 degrees which is why
south park is the greatest
fucking show of all time as far as i'm concerned because no matter what problem
they attack they hit
it from all sides the red side the blue side from the north to south east to
west you know what i'm
saying you like that that was that was the longest fucking compliment ever oh josh
adam myers
from the goddamn comedy jam josh adam myers bill burr i'm taping my monday
morning podcast you're one of
our first callers how are you good good i'm just curious if i could get your
opinion on the kairi
irving i say it's on the street i wasn't aware that that happened was that a
big news story in the
world of sports it's a little bit yeah it's it's a few people know about it uh
you know as a as a
lover of the celtics as a celtics lover i hated the trade because i loved isaiah
he was like a mini big
poppy he was on his way he was gonna have a street named after him but uh that
it's it's a business now and
this all goes back i think to the miami heat all those pylon teams back to the
kobe shack lakers
when whenever it stopped being bird bird celtics magic lakers isaiah fucking uh
the pistons jordan
with the bulls and everybody just jumped around now it's over i thought you
were gonna ask about the
cigar i am that's what i was saying i was like do you want me to give you some
time so you can finish
this up and then come on no i don't give a just ring the doorbell and i'll stop
it and i'll finish
it later all right cool all right don't hey don't ring the doorbell my daughter's
sleeping just text me
all right all right see you um anyways the most roundabout compliment ever
for south park i had no idea i was gonna say that so uh i am as of this morning
i have 179 pounds in six
ounces 179.6 so i'm trying to lose three a week so next week on friday i need
to be uh i need to be 177.
all right i just had to hit pause i'm in the dog house i just woke up my
daughter oh my god my wife
is pissed at me yeah boy yeah boy oh brother all right this is the monday
morning podcast and i'm
gonna be whispering for the rest of this goddamn thing um what the hell was i
talking about yeah so next week
i want to be 177 pounds by uh friday and then 174 the next week and then i'll
be 171 and then if i get
this acting gig i'll be where i need to be um so i was gonna take a month off
from boozing but if i
get this acting gig then i'm just not gonna booze like right on through to the
end of the shoot and
then when that's over okay uh i'm gonna get like one of those kegerators and i'm
gonna fill it up with
whiskey and i'm gonna be underneath it and it's gonna be glorious um i don't
know i don't know what
my problem is i should go to a meeting and just see what that's like i went to
a meeting a long time
ago and i got arrested for drinking and driving and one of the requirements was
you had to go to uh
an aa meeting two of them or something like that um
all i remember i was just like these guys are fucking drunks i mean i drink i
don't i don't
fucking drink these guys had like lunacy stories talking about like fucking
bleeding out their ass
and going right to the liquor store the next day you know what i mean like not
eating food for them like
just crazy crazy crazy fucking stories so i just was sitting there going all
right i'm
i'm just a drunk these people got a fucking problem i'm telling you right now
if you ever
just want to see you know some of the most fucked up people on the planet just
go to an aa meeting
these fucking people man you know their fingers are like stuck together from
like cigarette smoke
you know what i mean they got like they just i can i'm just being an asshole i
have no idea what
a fucking aa meeting's like i know there's like you get like a little trinket
if you do it for a while
you know got six days you know just uh fucking you know you know addictive
people they're
fucking they can never stop talking about themselves right so they just got to
go up there
oh my god i'm gonna get so much for this i don't give a i think it's about
time somebody put aa in its place right once you grow up and white knuckle it
like the rest of us
you got to go join a group everybody sits down and makes an afghan
together um you know it's funny that i actually would love to be part of a
group
when i went golfing this past week you know and i went with a buddy of mine he
was like a member
of a country club i'm like this is cool it's really cool you know
a bunch of guys you can talk shit having a great time all that shit that
everybody
gives you a rough time for you know they always make fun of guys hanging out
now if they all hang
out together like they did they has to be like mocked for some reason it's fun
you just sit around
breaking each other's balls that's all it was i went there and it was everybody
was cool
and everybody was just busting chops the whole time and then you go out and
golf and everybody's
just giving each other shit and you're laughing and you're smoking cigars and
you're gambling and
it's it's fun for whatever reason i don't know if you if you do that now i don't
know for some reason
that's attacked you know i don't i don't know what i don't know what it is i
don't know what the
it is you're supposed to be doing but i can tell you i did enjoy it um and
speaking of enjoying
shit i know i'm all over the map um i found i got caught up with uh the last
you know today's formula
one race and uh the previous one like a week ago or two weeks ago i missed it
and i have to tell you
i loved the force india team before i watched the previous race and now i i
will love that team
forever i will love that team forever at the very least esteban okan and sergio
perez everybody else
was was racing to not lose you know didn't want to up these guys went in there
you know what i mean you ever watch a hockey fight and and the guys are so good
at it they barely
even punch each other the best ones is where you just you grab my shoulder i
grab your shoulder we
just beat the out of each other you know that's what these guys did they went
old-time hockey with like racing they're on the same team they slammed into
each other twice
they don't even give a that it's a teammate this was like some sort of blood
sport that they
were doing everybody else is out there like oh my god that's my teammate i need
to
i'm really literally making fun of the other teams for actually doing this
smart thing
i love that they did it i loved last year when hamilton and uh fucking uh nikki
minaj whatever his
name was i can't even remember this name what the hell is guy's name nikki i
won it now i'm taking my toys and going h