Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-17
Uploaded: 2017-09-08T17:16:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-08. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you seeing how your week's
going how you guys
doing i am in a great mood i'm in an awesome mood huh you in a bad mood you're
driving in
your car there you're stuck in traffic is there some douche in front of you huh
not doing what you
want them to do are you having little dictator thoughts are you thinking about
what you would
do if you were in power what you would do with this person what rule you would
implement you know
it's got to be awesome being a dictator you know what i mean how much fun is it
on the 4th of july
to shoot off fireworks can you imagine how much fun that fatty over in north korea
is having
you know how hard did they fucking laugh when they shot that one over japan
i mean jesus christ i mean how the fuck did everybody had to go to bed after
that
then he's just laying in bed so fucking amped up like i can't believe we just
did that man it was
crazy we just freaked out a whole country calling each other up dude the whole
world's talking about us
what if there was a malfunction on that fucking thing and he just it landed
that guy i'm telling you man
he's got to lay off the fucking sweets all that sugar is just he's it's not
fucking it's not doing him good
he's not making sound decisions thank god we have such a level-headed guy on
our side
oh my god
you know watching the dead zone was always scary watching the martin sheen
character get into power
but i think to go back and watch it now is going to be just picturing donald
trump going the birds are
away gentlemen and doing that little thing he does where he puts his index
finger and his thumb together
and his other three fingers are in the air the birds of the way the greatest
birds ever um
yeah jesus christ all this end of day talking about these goddamn tornadoes one
after another
you know like some battle royal of weather i did rogan's show last night there's
nothing worse than
hanging out with somebody who's informed he starts telling me this thing was
forming out over the
atlantic they've never seen anything like this this is the size of florida
hey bill how much time do you want to do tonight
i was in a panic he was like laughing at me go look at bill's face look at bill's
face it's like yo
what look am i supposed to have on my face when you basically said
you know everything you had everything but jesus crowd surfing in on that thing
not to mention i'm going to mississippi and alabama this weekend
mississippi alabama the heart of the sec i'm gonna tell you something right now
is a northern white boy yankee i love mississippi and alabama
i love that whole stretch of the south how they all on each other and then it
somehow lands in
louisiana's lap right you're in georgia and all they do is make fun of alabama
right alabama's like
georgia hey at least we're not mississippi and mississippi's like what the do
you want from us
huh why don't you go to shreveport tell me how you enjoy that
what you go on over there freeze down how to cook no catfish um i love it down
there granted
i'm white you know and even if the clan started marching you know and i got all
nervous i could
fake my way through it you know give them a nod you don't slip into a store
real quick
um anyways i don't know if i mentioned this the other day um i started playing
catch again
you know something i used to do as a kid good clean fun you just need a glove a
ball and a friend
or maybe a baseball kid baseball kid baseball kid um it's just been a good time
this is how old i am
i did 45 minutes of cardio and i guess i didn't stretch i thought i stretched
and i went out there
and uh oh billy old face does not have the range of motion he used to have and
uh my buddy threw the
ball and it bounced in front of me and just sort of was skidding along the
ground and i bent down to
get it i anticipate it was gonna hop i don't know what i was doing i just didn't
get down far enough and
went right by my glove and hit right my left ghost white calf and um it only
hurt as much as it should
have hurt like a baseball however fast it was traveling and hit the ground it
slowed down a little
bit made that nice sound against my alabaster right then i thought i was fine
and within like
three throws my calf just tightened up like you couldn't believe and for like
the last three days
it's felt like it's on fire all right like if you thought of my like if they
were going to do a
documentary on my calf they would go to van halen one and they would take that
clip from david lee roth
singing i'm on fire um it's been killing me so uh i gotta have uh i don't know
i gotta have
somebody fucking work it out but uh my buddy gave me this um this is a free
advertisement this is how
good these guys are it's called uh arnicare gel you ever heard of this stuff it's
it's homeopathic
what'd you call me homeopathic medicine arnicare it's for muscle pain and
stiffness swelling from
injuries and bruising i got pain relief this i'm telling you it's magic i put
this
stuff on i felt like i was bionic you know like like in that you could just fix
me like a machine
one of those one of those fucking moonraker movies blade runner whatever the it
is like
they would just open my calf and it looked like the inside of a mixer i just
felt like that they
just that thing just soldered a couple wires wires together i mean it didn't
cure me
i mean it definitely feel like now i just feel like i got hit with a golf ball
rather than a baseball
you know at the end of a drive i'm not saying right off the tee let's not get
crazy here okay
let's not get crazy so anyways that's the free thing i'll tell you right now if
you ever do something
before you go to a masseuse and have them fucking unglue your muscles and get
all that
schmutz out of there it's my uh person says uh arnicare gel a-r-n-i care arnicare
like arnold
palmer except it's i a-r-n-i well arnie's a-r-n-i-e right yeah why don't you
confuse the people so there
you go i had to do something free massage because i lost another advertiser i
can't believe it i put my
fucking heart and soul into these fucking reads you know i could go monotone i
could just read what
they wrote i could just do what they want but you're not gonna listen and i
know this
show must go on even if i'm reading fucking advertising but those fucking cunts
over there
the masseuse people that was a one and done how dare you bring up hand jobs at
the at the end of the
other massage reads what the are you talking about
that's a huge part of your industry either you're doing it or you're not doing
it
the it's like you're you're in food you're selling some sort of food now bring
up trans fat like that's
not a big fucking issue that is a hot button issue that that is dead that needs
to be brought up in
front of congress when i stand by that if you can legalize weed at a state
level you should be able
to legalize a hand job at the state level okay now if the feds come in and she's
got your dick in her
hand you're on your own all right you're on your fucking own you're joe pesi
and goodfellas oh no
right that's it that's it all right ladies it doesn't mean anything to us it
doesn't mean anything
if you ever saw the look on the woman's face when she's doing it i mean i swear
to god
i swear to god like it's just like she's i don't know what she did thinking of
zillion other things
which is probably usually where you go that's probably your safe place you know
when you're
employed in the sex industry um i don't i don't know what the to tell you i don't
what to tell you so because i brought that up which was funny enough to make
people listen
they walked away from all the fucking massages that my listeners would have got
now i'm not gonna lie to you a third of them would have been expecting some
sort of uh hand
release at the end of it so maybe maybe that's okay i i'll take that okay i
will take that part of it
all right but i'm getting tired of these these the blue aprons the nature boxes
you know they're all
good when the sun's out the second they see a little bit of rough water
what do they do they pull up stakes those phony bastards okay and they take
their aprons and their
fucking twats and they go to somebody else's podcast and i'll tell you right
now i've had enough of it
doing my gosh darn just over here to try to put a little bit of money in your
pocket you know how many
people do you think at that massage place have actually gone to a massage parlor
and gotten
jerked off how many you know what i mean
oh geez i don't know how to get me started you know i got in the uh oh my dog's
back in town oh cleo
it was back in town i just saw her she freaking freaked out we had a nice
little battle royal i
took her for this awesome hike i love that goddamn dog and i love that she's
got a great family now
family baggies and uh she put on a little bit of weight these new people there
they're uh they're
treating her right um but she looked awesome and uh same old dog dragging me
down the street all
friggin excited and that type of stuff so uh it's all worked out nice happy in
and she got a little more
around her muzzle you know becoming very distinguished and stately these last
couple
of uh you know last i don't know gave away almost a year ago unbelievable nine
months ago
10 months ago nine months ago yeah nine months ago um so it was great to see
her and everything so uh
she's in town for like 10 days uh i'm leaving for a couple days but that's what
i do when she comes
to town i take for a hike every morning it's kind of been working out i get to
see her every couple of
months you know she's not around where she can eat my baby or attack somebody
else so she'll never get
put down and i won't have to deal with an unbelievable amount of guilt and she's
got a great house and
she's you know she's fattened up it's perfect i love it she's not fat people i'm
just saying she
is living a good life full of energy still a ball of muscle though good lord
that's a strong dog
um i still missed the hell out of her but i definitely made the right decision
so anyways
um what's going on tonight oh the patriots
ignore your wife
football season is back baby ignore the hurricanes sorry just blew out yours
ignore the hurricanes
ignore old fatty up there doesn't that guy in north korea doesn't he look like
he's the same
shape as like curly from the three stooges you know i'd love to see him they
just reshot the old
football sketch you know could somebody please do that just for the sort of
photoshop in when the
doing that thing where he does that running in place thing all right doing that
whole thing
just put his head on curly's body that's what he's he's kim jong howard
how many times would i be put to death in that country i can't even imagine i
can't even imagine
you know you got to go out swinging you got to go out like a you know you know
i'm not you know saddam
was a brutal guy but did you see how that guy went out he was standing there he's
just staring
them all in the eye they put the rope around his neck he's still talking yeah
go yourself go
yourself you know it's people always talk about dude when you're in philly how
did you handle that
that look what saddam handled
he was talking right until they yanked that rope
uh or that lever or whatever i've been crying like a little girl going i'm
sorry i'm sorry i impressed
everybody man i'll sweep the streets anything you want yeah that's how i would
have gone out
gone into the next world and god would have just been looking at me shaking his
head you know of all
the awful fucking things you did i think your bitchy way you left was the worst
get out of my sight and
then he just pushes the button i go down to hell i go down to hell and i burn
forever and that's a good
fucking thing to bring up when you got two gigs coming up mississippi and alabama
i'm gonna tell
you you go down mississippi alabama those motherfuck