Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-14-17
Uploaded: 2017-09-14T23:12:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-14-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-14-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-14. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-14-17

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Oh, I almost passed out doing that. I'm just checking in on you, just seeing
how your week's going. How's it going, man? You're almost there. You're almost
there.
You're almost to the weekend. It's gonna be your world again.
You're gonna get to decide when you wake up. Do decide? No, decide.
That's the greatest fucking thing about Saturday morning. You decide.
All right? And I don't care if you got kids. I don't care if you got a wife,
you got a husband, and they're standing.
I need you to shut the fuck up. You're not the boss of me. It's Saturday. I'm
staying in this fucking bed.
I hear the kids crying, sweetheart. I hear them crying. What are they crying?
They don't know what the fuck they're crying about.
Huh? They downstairs? You know, what are they doing right now? What are they
crying about? What toy does somebody want that somebody else...
Yeah, that's not a life or death situation. I am going to lay in this fucking
bed, and I want to get up when I decide.
That's what Saturday is all about.
Saturday, that feeling you have on Saturday morning, when you can basically do
whatever the fuck it is you want, provided the woman in your life is afraid of
you.
I'm joking. You can do whatever it is the fuck you want to do. All right? That
feeling right there, that's the feeling that you should be working towards.
Okay?
That misery, that Monday through Friday, waking up, I got to wake up, I got to
wake up, because I fucking, I got an agreement with these people down the
street that I have to be there, and they have to be able to see my face at this
particular fucking time.
And I got to trudge in here and do this fucking job. However, on Saturday, you
get to feel what it's like to be living your dream.
And granted, you got to be thinking, well, Bill, I can't fucking lay in a bed a
whole fucking, you know, Monday through Sunday. How would I eat? How would I
eat? That right there is what handouts are for.
It's what 7-Elevens are for. You want to sleep in every day? This is what you
do. You sit outside of 7-Eleven. You make a little sign.
All right? You don't write it on a nice piece of notebook paper. You got to
write it on like a piece of trash so people know that you're struggling.
Right? No, I'm fucking with you. Somehow, you got to become self-employed. You
got to work for yourself if you want that Saturday morning.
Granted, you're going to still be working. Not only are you going to work
Monday through Friday when you're self-employed, you're going to work Monday
through Sunday, but you'll get up when you want to get up.
All right?
All right? And you'll at least have that feeling of a little bit of control and
freedom.
Then you can take it too far. Like the ultimate Saturday, I'll get up whenever
the fuck I want to, is that fatty cakes there in North Korea.
Okay? And you can tell by his build, that guy sleeps till at least 11 every day.
You know? I bet he has like kid pajamas. Doesn't he look like he would, you
know, giant speed racer bed or some shit?
Something about him. He seems very childish. You know?
I don't know. You know what it is? I bet he just, because he was the dictator's
son, nobody ever picked on him. But he looked in the mirror and he was like,
the only reason why they're not picking on me right now is because if they did,
my dad would feed them naked to, to wild dogs. That's the only thing stopping
him.
Look how fat I am. Look at me. Just standing there looking at his hair, hair,
hairless fucking torso. Right?
I bet he's got an innie, right? Some manhole fucking level innie.
There's some hole in him he's trying to fill.
Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. How about those
Cleveland goddamn Indians? 21 victories in a row.
You're never going to see this again. I mean, that's fucking amazing. That is
really amazing.
And how great would it be to see them end their, what, was it 1948? They ended
it this year?
I don't know about my Red Sox. I don't know. I'm going to keep saying that,
hoping I jinxed them into coming together.
I kind of fucking fell out of love with this team. I've said it before. When
they fucking yelled at Eckersley, I was like, come on.
There was no discipline about that. That's a Hall of Famer.
You know what you do when a Hall of Famer walks in a room? You shut the fuck up.
That's what you do.
And if he criticizes you, you say, okay, fair enough. I'll try a little better
there, sport.
Maybe ask for his autograph. No, no, you don't ask for his autograph. You want
to be a professional.
You want to act like you're in the same business.
You never ask for an autograph within the same industry, okay? Don't ever
forget that.
I've seen people do it. It's an ugly, ugly fucking scene.
I know a guy that fucking played golf in a celebrity fucking tournament, right?
Why can't I ever type in my password and talk at the same fucking time? It's
unbelievable.
He played in a celebrity golf tournament, and one of the guys in his foursome
was actually a fan of his.
And they're fucking hanging out. They're palling around. Everything's going
great.
And then when they were done at the end of the round, he asked for a picture.
And the guy's face just dropped, and that was it. It was over.
He went from hanging out with that guy to being back in the crowd, throwing his
panties at him.
What is my point? My point is I like sleeping in on stage.
All right, let's see what's going on. I don't have anything to talk about today,
because I'm just stuck in a fucking writer's room.
We just were doing the table read this morning for episode 307.
I can't be screaming. My daughter's still sleeping. My wife's probably going to
fucking kill me right now.
I'm sorry.
Is there a reason why ever since Bill Clinton, they just won't let somebody be
president?
I really think, you know what it is?
I think it's because of social media and 24 hours news networks and all of that
type of shit.
This is like CNN.
CNN, who refuses to cover anything about Hillary and the Democratic Party,
ignoring the votes during the primary and boxing out Bernie Sanders, who
actually got more votes.
And then Hillary actually has the fucking balls to be like, we should do away
with the Electoral College.
Oh, because the fuck over that you ran on Bernie Sanders then was done to you?
I've never seen such an entitled fucking person.
Everybody talks about how entitled Trump is, and I'm not saying he isn't.
Jesus fucking Christ.
She really thought that that job was hers.
It's fucking unbelievable.
Anyways.
It says Sean Spicer basically admitted that he was willing to lie for Trump.
Now, what is shocking about that?
Do you think there was nobody in Obama's cabinet that was willing to lie for
him or Bush's or Clinton's or First Bush or Reagan or Carter?
That's what happens.
Think about in your life.
There's people you're willing to lie for.
You know, your buddy's fucking hammered behind the wheel.
The cop comes up.
You sit down, officer, he's only, he's fine.
He's only had a couple.
You know, you do that.
It's a friend.
Jesus fucking Christ.
And everybody fucking sitting here acting like the president runs the country
is fucking hilarious.
Like, his decisions aren't decided by all the money that you fucking need to
get in the fucking office.
Right?
I don't know.
They keep saying, did Trump use most of his own money?
I doubt it.
I don't fucking know.
I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.
I'm just so fucking sick of people, you know, acting like this guy is way worse
than the other guy because of two or three issues.
Other than that, as far as the environment, as far as the food supply, as far
as the heroin epidemic, it's the exact same thing.
Don't fucking say shit about it.
Right?
Is that what it is?
I don't know.
All right.
After Chicago T-Janger is found dead in a walk-in hotel freezer, mystery lingers.
This is why I don't want you to think.
North Korea's latest nuclear test was so powerful, it reshaped the mountain
above it.
Okay.
Yeah, well, yeah.
It's nuclear power.
It's powerful.
Russia fires cruise missile at IS Stronghold.
Is that the cool way to say ISIS now?
Is?
IS Stronghold in East Syria.
Russia is about to kick off a war game that is freaking out NATO.
Here's what we know.
This is why I don't read the news.
I wouldn't know any of this.
It's a game.
They're having a game.
They can't play a game in their own country.
Coordinated attack in southern Iraq kills at least 50.
Okay.
No good news yet.
All right.
Let's go to the United States.
Let's see what good news is here.
Eight dead after South Florida nursing homes air conditioning fails following
Hurricane Irma.
Great.
Next one.
As the White House calls for her firing, ESPN's Jemele Hill addressed the
elephant in the room.
What the fuck is this?
How the fuck do we go from the White House to a reporter on ESPN?
Now this, now this, I'll tell you, this here I gotta read.
This one I gotta read.
All right.
Here we go.
Here we go.
What do we say?
House, hours after a White House spokesperson called for ESPN to fire her
because she called
President Trump a White supremacist on Twitter, Jemele Hill, or Jemele, Motel,
Hill tweeted about
the topic Wednesday night saying she was going to address the elephant in the
room after becoming
the latest flashpoint in a cultural skirmish that has involved the sports
network once again.
Hashtagging your tweets, hashtag facts, Hill wrote, my comments on Twitter
express my personal belief.
My regret is that my comments and the public way I made them painted ESPN in an
unfair light.
My respect for the company and my colleagues remains unconditional.
Yeah, how the fuck do you have that job and know you can't tweet some shit like
that?
You're going to get fired because at the end of the day, all ESPN gives a fuck
about is ratings and money.
That's what they care about.
All right, so when asked Wednesday afternoon by the post David Nakamura, Nakamura,
that's
a good last name, about Hill's original tweets, Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she
was unsure
whether the president was aware of the kerfuffle they caused, but of course he
was aware.
The guy fucking tweets every day.
He's like a seventh grade girl.
I think that's one of the more outrageous comments that anyone could make and
certainly
something that I think is fireable offense by ESPN.
Get the fuck out of here.
Oh, give me a fucking break.
I love how ESPN thinks that reflects on them and all they need is a couple
people.
I'll tell you right now, if you don't fire that wound with what she said about
my president, I ain't going to watch to see if the Yankees beat the fucking
Indians tonight.
Yes, you are.
What else are you going to do?
Read a book?
It's a sports network.
This is some of the dumbest people on the planet, myself included.
Do you know how many times I've tried, I've gotten so disgusted with the NFL, I
tried to walk away.
Then I just had to admit that I was too weak to do it.
I like how the NFL ratings are down now and they're trying to blame that stupid
Colin Kaepernick thing.
That's what it was.
Oh, that's what it was.
You know what it was?
Is they just got greedy.
I think it's the NFL.
Plus, it goes in cycles, too.
You know what I mean?
It's like the NBA where they had Bird, Magic, into fucking Jordan, and then
there was a little bit of a lull there for a minute, right?
And then, like, I don't know.
I guess the Spurs weren't fucking exciting enough.
I don't know.
And then, you know, eventually other guys came along.
LeBron came along.
Yeah, the next one, right?
I think football goes through the same thing.
But the problem is these guys in the NFL, they're trying to go global, and they're
trying to, like, please as many people as humanly possible.
So they kind of abandoned their original thing.
You know where the NBA is right now?
The NBA is where U2 was when Bono started wearing those b