Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-28-17
Uploaded: 2017-09-29T17:57:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-28-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-28-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-29. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-28-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on
you
seeing how you're doing how are you today huh are you upset thursday afternoon
thursday night
football what happened what happened during the song this time that made people
upset and decided
that they were going to get all up in arms about their corner of the fucking
world
unbelievable i'm so fucking now i'm going to be the guy talking i'm so fucking
listening to people
making that thing about what they want it to be about it's like that's not what
the initial
protest was about if you would like to discuss police brutality i'm more than
willing to listen
to it i don't want to hear your fucking soliloquy you know all those people who
are like you know
want to be the irreverent like i don't even care i don't even he yeah of course
you don't care it
doesn't fuck what they're talking about doesn't affect you it's not about you
okay who gives a fuck
it's one moment at the beginning of the game commenting on something that
people are trying
to fix that's all that's all my biggest complaint about tonight's game between
the bears and the
fucking packers is they stop the game because there's potential of lightning
god for fucking bid
somebody gets electrocuted it's unbelievable it's unbelievable how important
human beings still
consider other human beings i just don't know it really isn't about that it's
like do you think the
nfl gives a fuck about you they don't they don't give a shit about you they don't
want you to get
electrocuted because then you can't go out and buy another jersey or another
ticket or nfl sunday
ticket that's what they care about and somehow they're going to get blamed
right because everybody
in the crowd is going to be like well they should have known that god was going
to do that
you should have known what the weather was going to be you know there's no more
hey fucko you went
outside you know what's outside lightning and you went outside and god damn it
lightning found you
and that's your own dumb luck guess what you're going to have your own wikipedia
page now you don't have
one now nobody knows who the fuck you are but you get struck by lightning
somebody's going to find
you on wikipedia maybe you won't get your own page you might be on a page that's
just a list of people
struck by lightning in 2017 or in or in whatever the fuck we're calling this
decade it has to be an
extraordinary uh circumstance when you get struck by lightning for you to get
your own wikipedia page
you have to get struck by lightning and then something else happens you're
struck by lightning
you catch on fire and you run into a papier-mâché factory all right with a
bunch of children there
whose make-a-wish was that they could go to a make a fucking papier-mâché
factory then you run in there and
and it all goes up and all those little kids die then now then you'd have to
share it with the kids
it's a tough thing it's hard to get struck by lightning and get your own wikipedia
page
you know you know what's funny is if that actually happened you got struck by
lightning you had a nice
afro going your catches on fire you run into a papier-mâché factory there was
a bunch of make-a-wish
kids in there and then they all fucking died the funniest fucking thing about
all that is how much
shit your relatives would get you know what i mean saying oh you know that guy
he's one of those wilson
kids yeah you know his fucking brother gets struck by lightning instead of just
dying laying there burning
the fucking asshole content he is runs into a papier-mâché factory and kills
a bunch of
kids that were already dying anyways you know
and then everybody treats them like like you can keep your wits about you when
your head's on fire
the bottom line is is i don't know what happened to football i don't ever
remember it being stopped
because of weather it used to be they play in all kinds of weather right and
you had the ice bowl
up there in green bay you had that game where all the locusts descended down on
the kansas city
chiefs when they played the uh new york titans i'm just making up at this point
i don't know what
happened to the game but now anytime there's going to be a little bit of crosswind
what if it blows
somebody's sunglasses off and goes into somebody's eye i mean jesus christ
those those people that
that's wisconsin the amount of layers of clothes and blubber you have to go
through after the lightning
strikes him to even like you know rattle a few fillings loose of the average
person in wisconsin
these are these are these are wholesome people up there okay they get that ll
bean catalog and to
those people that is formal wear do you understand that you know when you get
married in wisconsin you
can actually show up you know you know like everybody you're gonna wear tails
with your
tuxedo they ask him if they're gonna wear those you know those rubber pants
those with the suspenders when you go trout fishing somebody was saying there
was some guy he
walked out into the ocean i don't know where the he was in a river some sort of
water a watery area and
he walked in there and this wave came in and washed into his pants it took him
tipped him over and he
couldn't get up because the combination of the weight of his ass and his legs
those rubber pants and all
the water in it it just uh he drowned i don't know if that's true that sounds
like something a
old lady would i used to know this old lady when i was a kid you know back when
you know parents didn't
watch their kids like parenting back in the day you woke up you gave them you
know the multi-colored
cereal you opened the door and they went outside they just met other kids and
with your kid brains
you figured out what you were going to do that day well there was this old lady
who lived around the
corner and she used to always tell us all these crazy stories she had terrible
candy too but you'd still
show up i don't know why it used to be one time there i mean she went one time
there was this guy and he
he tried to stomp his foot down on the brakes to stop so he wouldn't go through
to stop shining
she said that his leg went all the way up into his body and and it was like six
inches shorter
and for the rest of his life he walked around and he couldn't get
you know i used to come home and i'd repeat the stories to my mother right
i'd be like mom you do you just you know one time there was a guy his leg went
up into his body and
one day she finally i think was listening to me she just looked at me she goes
who told you that
and i was like oh the lady down the street she goes don't listen to her she's
crazy
i don't know why my mother talked like that i needed to do a different voice
she doesn't smoke i don't know what the i'm talking about but what would you
expect from
someone who forgot it was thursday that's how awesome my life is i forgot it
was thursday
now sometimes you can forget it's thursday because your life is terrible right
you're on the bender
right you're on a bender or you're you're like i don't know what you're i don't
know you're a
political prisoner you forget what day it is you're in shawshank all right
sometimes you fight him off
sometimes you don't you're marking off the dates you got rita hayworth on the
wall you don't know
what date is not even if you're andy dufrain and you're good with numbers you
lose track and
the only other people that lose track of that are people who work for
themselves which i don't i
work for netflix now i guess i don't know i just you know after a while you
just say what
day is it i don't know another day living the dream day um anyways okay
football sunday's coming up
i'm gonna start doing my gambling pick of the week my gambling pick of the week
all right
i'm guaranteeing you that if you gamble on this game money is gonna change
hands either out of your
pocket or into your pocket or it might be a push i'm guaranteeing that he
called me up at 1 800 freckles
five five five um the giants getting three in tampa bay the giants the owen
three giants everybody
looking at them like they're washed up forgetting that eli manning has won two
super bowls against the
reigning super bowl champions they beat bill belichick two times um the guy's
got two rings you know he's
got he's got two rings he's got no respect and he's got half an offensive line
but i think this week
they're getting three they're underdogs they did fine fine against philly last
week they came back late
but who gives a they still scored 20 something points i didn't really pay
attention
right and then they lost on a 61 fucking yeah
right
some dude from 90210 came walking in right they just kicked the goddamn thing
like the end of a hollywood
movie all right ain't gonna happen they're gonna go down to tampa okay first of
all nobody respects
the tampa bay buccaneers you know why because they have a giant pirates of the
caribbean ship
inside their stadium i don't know what they're trying to do i don't understand
how the oakland raiders
okay who have like a pirate on the side of their helmet are able to achieve the
baddest baddest
fucking uniform in all the sports as far as i'm concerned when they move to vegas
and they have
the white home jerseys they better go back to the silver numbers or or my name
isn't billy fat tits
all right tampa bay buccaneers i don't understand is what is a buccaneer
exactly okay let's look this
up because judging by their colors i feel like it's more like the musical
theater sort of pirate
it's much more let's just go out and have an adventure rather than raping and
pillaging
what do we got here all right the fucking buccaneers lost last week 34 to 17 so
they're coming off
a big loss that's always a concern what the is a buccaneer buccaneer all right
buccaneers were a kind
okay a privater or pirate what's a privater privateer a private tier was a
private person
oh so they keep to themselves well that's not really good in a team sport is it
or a ship that engaged in maritime warfare okay under a commission of war
all right well they did it very officially all right
particular to the caribbean sea yeah pirates of the caribbean that's right
originally the name applied to the landless hunters of wild boars and cattle in
the largely
uninhabited areas of tortuga and hispaniola the meat caught they smoked over a
slow fire where the
what are we talking about
something about jerk meat or jerky
why should we fear these people you know what this is just a whole bunch of
reading that i don't
want to do it when caught by anti-pirate english authorities seven all right
you know what i need
to do what's the difference between a pirate and a buccaneer oh what's the
difference what's the
difference between a raider in oakland raider and a buccaneer i would say about
30 pounds
judge i've been well i've never been to the tampa stadium i'm gonna be there in
a few weeks though
okay buccaneer verse raider what's the difference this is why you gotta love
the internet i'm not saying
they have a right answer but they always have an answer what's the difference
uh buccaneer is a
synonym of raider as nouns the difference between a buccaneer and a raider is
that
buccaneer is is nautical any of a group of seamen jizz no seamen who cruised on
their own account on
the spanish main and in the pacific in the 17th century similar to pirates but
did not prey on ships
of their own nation while a raider is one who gauges engages in a raid
colon semicolon a plunderer
well what the is a raid and what is a plunderer see this this is what you do
you're a plunderer
the plunderer is a fictional character so they these they don't even exist i
don't want this
that was actually a superhero daredevil fought the plunderer
plunderer come on man come on give me something give me something here you cunts
plunder wikipedia is just such a one-trick pony sometimes they just keep
guiding you bac