Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-5-17
Uploaded: 2017-10-06T16:49:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-5-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-5-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-06. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-5-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking it on you i'm just checking on you
i hope this isn't
too loud i hope it doesn't make too much noise i'm on the road um so you get
even even more
of the bootleg experience echo for some reason i am in a uh a hotel room that
has i would say
oh if i had to guess uh 18 foot ceilings and no this is not some super swanky
friggin place i think
it's just an old building and uh and people were shorter back then walking
around in wool suits oh
you know what it was they wore hats they wore big hats back then that was that
was the deal
it was like probably knowing guys there's probably no whoever had the biggest
fanciest hat
that the women back then with their hoop skirts were probably all like well he
probably got he's
probably got all the money he's probably got all kinds of money right um of
course you know
psychologists would probably say that it was that was all about dick size
you know what i mean i don't think any guy really thinks about dick size unless
he has a little dick
other than that if you fucking you know it's like i'm an average runner i never
think of no i actually
wasn't i was slow and i never even thought about that you know what the reality
comes down to
it's not about dick size it's about how much money you make you know what i
mean you meet some broad in a bar
what does she say how big is your dick
she doesn't she says what do you do
all right are you worth my time tonight you know and even she's out there just
trolling for some
cock you know what i mean and she's doing a little checking your feet and your
hands maybe taking a
glance down to see how you're hanging right if you want some dockers and you
were sitting down
i don't know how the they would tell right um she showed up in the bar in sweatpants
at some point even if she's out there just to get banged she is going to ask
you what you do they
can't help it and then i guess part of it is you know you want to get past the
awkward conversation and
that is you know what do you do is also like you know hey can you believe this
weather hey can you
believe this weather what do you do how big's your dick you know bang bang bang
and they go right
down the thing and then that's when they determine if there's going to be a
white one night stand if
they're going to pretend you know that they're not just some size queen and
that that you know maybe
they go they'll start talking about their family you know i mean that's when
you know you're
fucked they start talking about their family it's like oh god not this i was
hoping you were just
going to treat me like a piece of meat now you want to have a relationship i
should have lied about my
job um i don't know what i'm talking about as always i have no idea what the i'm
talking about
am i i'm contractually obligated even though there's no contract on this
podcast it's a verbal contract
and i honor it unlike what happened to jakey lee and a bunch of other musicians
when they played with
for a certain somebody that everybody thinks is cute
oh sharon sharon i can't find me glasses i'll see remember all that i went down
to jakey lee randy rhodes
um i don't know what you call round down a rabbit hole and then that led me to
reading up i always
read up on that case where the original drummer and bass player never got paid
on uh you know was it
blizzard of oz and diary of a madman is it well the two albums i don't know
and they actually asked for the money for for paying on those things so they oh
wait they
ended up buying the rights to the album it was it was like it was like a it was
a miniseries it was
like the oj trial except with like recording so then all the aussie camp re-recorded
the drums and the
bass on it it's unreal let me let me look that up let me look that up here as i'm
just sitting here
babbling um but anyways jakey lee what a player i know randy rhodes is just
unreal but jakey lee never
he never gets he never gets a shout out he goes it goes from you know obviously
hendrix
you know and then they'll throw some clapton in there then they go to jimmy
page and then boom then
it's like eddie van halen there's like before eddie and after eddie when it
comes to white guy shredders
and then they always go to randy rhodes and then they skip right past it seems
they skip right past
jakey lee and then they go right to that guy from white lion i don't know i don't
know what it is no
because then i think they get into the guy the speed metal guys i have no idea
all right let's see drummer
for blizzard of oz blizzard of osie um yeah lee kirkslake who by the way just
let himself go to
hell christ almighty he looks like he sold tires his whole life that's how much
stress this whole thing
the case um took on the guy all right after being fired wait a minute where are
we where are we list of
osbo osborne band members he doesn't even have his own wikipedia page
jesus christ did ozzy has some guitarist or what randy rhodes jakey lee zach
wilde steve vi
i don't know any of these other guys rudy sar sazo on bass
come on man
isn't that crazy he had both uh bass players surviving bass players from metallica
robert
trahilo he came in and re-recorded the basis basis re-recorded the bass i guess
jason newstead
tommy aldridge i ran into him in belgium freaked him out because i was freaking
out
and then i didn't ask for a picture he looked relieved it's just like sorry man
thank you for all
the great music you've you've given me i i really appreciate it he goes all
right cool and that was it
all right i'm going to get off this subject i'm sorry um anyways i am in st petersburg
florida
tomorrow night however tonight i am in tampa to see bum bum bum bum um i'm
going to see the patriots
play at uh at joe robbie stadium whatever the they call it up here
um donovan smith memorial stadium i don't want you to call it tampa the pirates
of the
caribbean stadium what the is the name of it it actually has a regular name
the is tampa god damn damn football stadium i know it i know this name but
anyways this is
the last one i have to go to there we go football stadium come on come on what's
it raymond james
raymond james stadium um this is the last uh of the 32 professional football
teams that i need to see
a home game of uh this will be the 34th one that i've been to because i went to
st louis rams and also
the san diego chargers and then they both moved to la and i went to those games
because i because i have a
problem um so i'm looking for this is going to be awesome thursday night
football they're going to
get out there and they're underoos wearing all the same colored clothes i hope
the patriots go with blue
rather than red um the red on red jesus christ is just i don't know somebody's
going to have to wear it
because i think that uh but maybe tampa will go with the gray i don't know guys
i think that they
should have a fashion runway to start it um so of course the big the big
question you got to ask i'm
you know i'm always into uh i'm a cunt you know what i mean so i don't give a
about the
wide receivers i don't give a about your quarterbacks you're running back what's
going on at the offensive
line for christ's sake if you can't defend your quarterback and you can't blow
open some
goddamn holes you're not going to make any passes or running again i'll tell
you right now you're not
going to buy any yards in this league i gotta be quiet because this thing is
echoing so loud here
um so what does it come down to the the diva the offensive line
all right the rock star the one that makes all the money nobody cares about the
guards
nobody gives a about the center nobody gives a about the right tackle
it's all about the left tackle in the nfl protecting the blind side unless you
have a lefty
unless you have a lefty how many lefty nfl quarterbacks are there and how
pissed is the left
tackle on that line you know he finally gets his name shouted out the naked
soldier
all right that's how you say his name naked soldier he's only been with us for
ever
they just never say his name because he rarely up donovan smith let's give him
a new thing
knowing the left tackles no one who's making the money up there on the
offensive line so according to
the scouting report donovan smith uh penn state guy penn state guys always
always solid football
players just a great program up there when they're not up there touching kids
they just do wonderful
things wonderful goddamn things you know when they're not snapping towels and
unsuspecting eight-year-olds
sorry penn state you earned it all right and you know good and goddamn well
despite what happened
up there you still want to see the joe pa statue come back and what does that
what does that say about
you um what does that say about statues what is you know what i do love about
you know penn state and
it's not the molestation of children what i love you're gonna get it this i'm
gonna give the catholic
church i gotta give it to you too you know what i mean penn state football
program was like the catholic
church fucking slider you know what i mean like the catholic church is like the
big burger with the
bacon on it when it comes to fucking raping kids and uh but you know just sheer
number you know if you
looked at at molested kids like you were counting calories all right they're
definitely that wendy's
triple cheeseburger the catholic churches where penn state is just it's you
know little sliders i'm just
gonna have i'm just gonna nibble i told myself i've been doing so great at the
gym i could cheat
tonight but i'm just gonna nibble um what i do love about the penn state uh and
i realized it wasn't
everybody up there who was raping children okay now that's when you know you i
know that's when you
know your program is in trouble when in order to defend it you have to say hey
not everybody was up there
raping kids um all right i just like that they have the basic simple uniforms
okay
because i gotta be honest with you the first time i saw those oregon ducks
those crazy uniforms i was
like what the is that and then after a while i kind of liked them like ah you
know that's kind of cool
whatever but now it's just become a fashion show and there's a bunch of shitty
football
programs out there you know who i'm talking about university of illinois where
the do you get off
with that disco ball in your head like you've ever even sniffed a big 10
championship since we were
even in vietnam let's look that up right now let's look that up right now when
was the last time that
basketball school won a big time big 10 champ championship i can't talk all
right university of
indiana was i saying illinois sorry indiana um last big 10 football i guarantee
you we were in cover
covered wagons here football championship
i guarantee you the starting 11 we're all white guys indiana hoosier football
here we go this ought to
be a quick wikipedia page all right i'm why am i picking on these guys all
right location conference
bowl record three and eight conference titles two they won one in 1945
we won the war let's all make kids let's all cure diseases then we'll have a
bunch of hurricanes
because we're throwing plastic in the ocean um 1967
i will not seek nor will i accept a second term as your present who the does lbj
singing sunshine of your life huh who should be is more importantly probably
the question um
so anyways i'm going to the game tonight uh look for jameson winston to have a
career day because our
defense is like the make-a-wish foundation opposing quarterback what is your
dream gee i've always
wanted to throw for 400 yards no problem not only are we going to make that
happen we're going to do it in
the first half all right go yourself now i just trashed my own team before you
guys all get all butt hurt
no pun intended all right about me making fun of your goddamn team donovan smith
is the left tackle
for the tampa bay buccaneers he is from p