Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-19-17
Uploaded: 2017-10-23T18:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-19-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-19-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-23. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-19-17

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on
you
um i'm back in la baby came back to see my family is that my daughter in there
um greatest fucking day of my life so excited um back here with the family
hanging out having an
awesome time and uh that's all i did that's all i did all day just hung out
with the kiddo
my lovely wife and uh everything's good dealt with the stack of mail you know
as you do you come back
oh the bills keep coming don't they right 20 40 68 honey get the fuck out of
here what do you want
five five hundred bucks fucking bastards they just won't let you just i don't
understand i don't
get how you retire it's like you have to become like you got to become like
this feudal fucking
landowner where you got a bunch of people with tuberculosis living in some shithole
that you
fucking own that's the only way to not end this ride eating fucking apple you
know waiting for a bus
i don't know how you do it they just they won't let you sit fucking still
you know say what you want about the caveman days how they only lived to be
like 26 and they
look like they were 105 these fucking people could chill out go out you kill a
fucking woolly mammoth
i mean yeah you got to be good for a while right just fucking laying around
this is amazing i guess
you got to fight off other shit that tries to kill it just say you know once
you're fucking yeah you
kill some you brought it back ladies let's go let's get a fire going sweetheart
he just fucking sat around you little fucking furry me undies made out of some
platypus
i don't know i'm telling you man the devil runs the fucking planet the whole
thing just
fucking the whole thing is set up on somebody above you makes money off of you
right and if there's no
one below you that you're making money off of then you're fucking eating dog
food that's how it goes
it's just fucking it's unbelievable it's just fucking i told you guys i saw
this guy i've number of times
i've just seen homeless people just i saw this guy just sitting in the sun
right burning up even then
he was just sitting there it's the middle of the afternoon it's one of these
restaurants that has
tables out on the sidewalk and shit and they didn't really you know they're not
policing them there's
nobody there so he's just sitting there sleeping sun on his face and he's got a
cult 45 empty quarter left
i don't know what and i'm walking down the street sitting there thinking about
all this i gotta handle
that's what i'm in atlanta and i just looked at that guy and i was just like
you know what
that doesn't look that bad obviously you know day in and day out it sucks but
you know they have like
earth day they ought to just have like just like homeless days just something
where it's just okay
to be in public taking a nap in the middle of the day while everybody else goes
to work like you you
get it it's like getting called for jury duty except it's fun hey boss i'm not
going to be into work
on tuesday oh we need you i i i got a homeless day oh yeah fair enough fair
enough and then you just go
out you grab your drink of choice you find a bench and you just get hammered
you just by one in the
afternoon you're asleep i don't know maybe this is because i've been on the
wagon here for nine weeks
then i'm looking at stuff like that but um i don't know i have no idea so i
flew back took the first
uh flight back i can't wait to tell you guys about this movie uh i got to do a
scene with one
of my favorite actors of all freaking time and one of my favorite people and i
was having such a good
time i didn't even get a goddamn picture with them um which is always fucking
you can't you can't
really do that but i i know that i already knew this guy before uh before i did
it um but we should
have we should have got a picture but anyways um so on the flight back i
watched uh cool hand luke one
of my favorite movies of all time and fast times at ridgemont high uh it was
just both movies totally held
up and uh one of the greatest fucking lines that is never quoted in fast times
at ridgemont high
is damone when he knocks up jennifer jason lee and once he he goes you know is
it mine he goes yeah it's
yours he goes you know i suppose you want me to pay for it oh my god what a
fucking line i suppose you
want me to pay for it it's like buddy she's fucking giving you a do-over you
just your whole life up
you her life up she's giving you a do-over if you can live with it if you can
live with it
you know what i mean i don't you know something i can't even talk about that
talk because i don't
even know where the hell i stand on that thing um i don't even know where i
stand but like when people
say it's a taking of a life i'm like yeah yeah it is it is and my argument is
if you didn't have that
procedure there there would be a person somewhere along the line somebody got
whacked because there's
one last person here that's all i'm saying i don't know who the hitman is you
know you're sort of the
dawn you know if you have the procedure done you say you gotta you gotta take
this guy
out and then some of them the doctor goes in he's like the he's that dude in
the
white suit and the untouchables really bill you're gonna joke about abortion i
don't know
i don't plan these things i just start talking you know what i got some 20 mc
face giving me
that i got too much sports dribble on it dribble on this thing really dribble
like the
coming out of the side of your mouth when you're sitting there watching the
goddamn kardashians is
that what you want me to talk about oh did you see what miss new york said to
flavor flave i don't give
a fuck uh but you know if you're into it that's you know that's your thing it's
your thing
it's your thing watch what you want to watch i can't tell you um anyways uh so
i watched cool
hand luke and uh i haven't seen that in a minute i forgot how creepy uh what's
his face oh my god
he just flaked on his name kennedy george kennedy is that his fucking name oh jesus
bill i gotta look
it up now george kennedy he and he's a big and he had a pot belly and he lived
to be like 91 years
old that doesn't happen those big guys you know they slap people around for six
decades and then
all of a sudden they just face down in a newspaper mike mike are you okay um
hang on a second uh is it
george kennedy yeah that's it george kennedy when he's when he when you know
the girl who washes the
fucking car he keeps calling her lucille her name it's gotta be lucille i i
gotta watch it again to
try to get his accent down she was over there washing that car only a pin
holding it hold it together
i didn't understand like they couldn't like like back then they couldn't talk
about like
prison rape and so they just had these guys sitting in there like reading like
dirty
stories about like red shoe diary to each other and then what they get all
frustrated
i mean at that point somebody's gonna something or beat the out of somebody but
it never does
um but anyways what a great what a goddamn great movie i love that movie
yeah well i love how that's his attitude yeah well you know his mother comes to
visit him
basically says yeah i'm gonna die while you're in here i'll see you later cackling
and hacking up a lung
um i love that movie you know what i love about cool hand luke he's like a
comedian
you know what i mean he hates authority you tell him to go left he's gonna go
right
you know obviously he's doing this at a prison level i don't i don't recommend
that but there's
a there's a fruit like when i watch that guy it's like this this is like the
kind of guy
in high school that you'd hang out with
like people there's been a problem with with people driving their cars students
driving their
cars too fast i don't know who's driving on the property and then the second
you say that
that's it he's gonna take his car that weekend he's gonna do donuts laughing
his balls off
just knowing that it's gonna irritate somebody i don't know maybe i'm missing
the point of the movie
but um just a great movie do you know uh actually one of the uh when they go to
pave the road they're
throwing the sand on top or whatever the they're spraying on the road um that
music
was composed for that scene and then somebody connected with the movie sold it
to the nightly news
and that became the nightly news song and uh some of the actors were upset
because they felt it ruined
that scene uh you don't hear it now but that was the song that they played for
like decades
uh whatever the that was i think i've actually already talked about this on the
podcast
um anyways what do you want from me all right on to my sports drivel all right
um what in the
fuck is going on with these fucking new york yankees they are a goddamn buzzsaw
this is the second series in a row where they play rope-a-dope they lean on the
ropes they let you
win game one oh good we won game one we're fucking holding home court here
holding home serve whatever
they say and then they win game two and then you think you got them you're
thinking to yourself
these fucking morons now they gotta win four out of five or they gotta win the
next three in a row
what do they do the yankees right now are given the epitome if you look up
right there fred in the
fucking dictionary that's what they're doing that's what they're doing and what
the indians and astros
are doing is a classic example a cold lotion what they're doing to their fans
or what the indians did
they won the first two they got them all excited whether you win 22 games in a
row and then
you lose three in a row after being up to two to two zip in a five game series
um
anyways the fucking dodgers are up three games to none out here you'd never
know you'd never know
you know what i realized with the dodgers being up three games to none one game
away from the world
series and i don't i didn't even know about it you know what it is i don't have
enough mexican
friends out here because those people god bless them are single-handedly
keeping that franchise here in
la i swear to god if they weren't going to the games that fucking team would
have left somewhere i
don't know in the 80s i don't know what it is i know this i don't i don't know
where the white guy
fucking grew up here in la baseball fan lives i just don't know where the they
are i haven't
said they're up three games tonight i didn't see i drove from lax all the way
to my house i didn't
see one banner i didn't feel any buzz nobody with a hat nobody with a jersey
zip nothing
um i was stunned when i i mean i've been working so i wasn't paying attention i
thought i thought it
was like two one somebody i didn't know it was three games to none i didn't
know they were right
on the break um do you realize okay if the yankees win and the dodgers win and
we have a yankees
dodger fucking series okay they're gonna do the whole oh it used to be the brooklyn
rogers i got
the name dodgers they were the trolley dodgers and blah blah blah blah blind ebbets
field and somehow
somewhere some old bastard's gonna come out of the woodwork and start talking
about it right
you know all of that all right not all of that baseball is is is is a sport
steeped in history
as long as they bring up vince scully it's gonna be fucking great but all i'm
saying is that takes
me back to when i first started watching baseball 1977 1978 back-to-back
fucking years i rooted for
the dodgers because the red sox could not beat the fucking yankees and then we
you know that was
the bucky dent year was 78 and i would root for them and they lost 77 the dodgers
and i rooted for
them again and they lost again and the next year was pirates versus the orioles
orioles up three games to
one gave their fans the old cold lotion pirates came back with the right there
fred won it seven
then you had 1980 was uh pete rose huh let me get 50 on your page boy haircut
he goes over to the phillies
right all right