Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-9-17
Uploaded: 2017-11-09T20:41:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-9-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-9-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-09. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-9-17

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on
just seeing
how your week's going you know a lot of people when they podcast for one week
they don't fucking
think about their listeners for the rest of the week but you know what not this
guy i think about
you i think i think about you what was that that was fucking uh guns and roses
right all that fucking falsetto singing back then only you
everyone would go nuts and they would have their fucking lighters up in the air
already right out of the gate you can say gee bill you have a lot more energy
than you've had
lately what's going on with you i'll tell you what's going on today's the the
last day we're
wrapping on the movie front runner starring uh hugh jackman directed by jason
reitman um
this is the last day i'm very excited because i think it's going to be a great
movie and i also get
to go home and see my family is that my daughter over there um very well i got
a quick little run
in new york and then i'm done i'm just done for the rest of the year other than
the times i go to new
mexico and arizona okay i mean i still am a traveling comedian i still am a
plate spinner
but uh i'm pretty much home till like the end of january which is awesome so i
will be spending that time with
my family and uh going in punching up and editing some of the first cuts of uh
season three of f is
for family that's what i'm doing you know getting into the uh thanksgiving
spirit thanksgiving often
overlooked you know the second halloween comes along everybody goes oh shit it's
the fucking christmas
season but people forget that there's a holiday you know the holiday you don't
have to have any gifts
all you got to do is show up you show up the wednesday before thanksgiving you
go down to the local
bar and and a lot of the chicks that you were too afraid to talk to are going
to be down there a lot
of the chicks that were afraid to be talked to are going to be down there
everybody's looking for some
sentimental sex right or some what-if encounters
sorry i don't mean to go all harvey weinstein here all of that was consensual
all right jesus christ it's just one accusation after another finally these all
these famous people
are starting to go like yeah i have no idea who that is or yeah i don't i don't
know i don't remember
that you know which i was surprised right out of the gate they didn't do i'm
not condoning their
behavior i'm just saying legal advice years later after the jizz has
disappeared off you threw out the
plant that you came on you'd think that these people would go into denial like
that supreme
court judge going i i don't know what you're talking about i didn't do that i i
just went back
to my study and i was reading on how to become a better person they're slowly
starting to do that
um but anyways why why bill why on such a a a glorious holiday month would you
bring up such a scandal
um this should be like you know what you should start doing like a like you
know you have like a
dead pool they should do you should do like a pool now where you just you try
to
bet on who's the next person i can't even say anything because it's not funny
to
fucking accuse somebody of that shit um
trying to think of anybody who i would now i ain't gonna fucking do that let's
get let's go with
something positive i went to the best music store i've been to and i since i
don't know when with the
best commercial on youtube which i am going to post off of the monday morning
podcast twitter account uh
portman's music store in savannah georgia is uh hands down the best music store
i've been to
um what do you want huh you want a french horn they got it you want a bassoon
they got it you want
a didgeridoo they got it are you an old man and you got to read some charts and
your eyes are gone they
actually sell readers up at the up at the counter a little you know those
glasses when you don't want
to just waste your money getting a prescription you just go out and you get the
readers you just try
some on all right these look good these look all right they sold those uh i
went over there just to
get some drumsticks the next thing you know i'm actually thinking of buying a
trumpet i always love
the trumpet i always loved the power of that instrument you know and uh i
actually looked
at one for the first time i had this guy explained to me the whole way that it
worked
and i was thinking about it and then fortunately i called my wife and she goes
you're not buying a
fucking trumpet why do wives always do that they always you know i'm not saying
that she was wrong
but they always did you like you're not doing that you're not buying a boat
you you can do you're not putting a speed bag up on the side of the house
what you know it doesn't rain that much there's a tree over it honey we're not
doing that right
they always do that to us but when can we always ever sit there looking and be
like
like what honey you're not buying another pair of shoes you're not buying any
more throw pillows
you already can't sit on the fucking couch there's too many i'm not yelling
now i am yes but i i wasn't oh you know what fuck you yeah yeah fuck you fine i
don't give a
fuck i never didn't want to go there anyways why do you have to ruin the
weekend all right that's the
way it goes why can't we do that what you know we should just we got to figure
out what they do
obviously we can't start crying you know and they'll send us to some goddamn
home
i'm gonna do that next time i'm buying a trumpet you're not buying a trumpet
don't be mean to me
she was right in another life
you know come on man the trumpet with the plunger on the end getting that jimmy
hendrix wawa sound
maybe that's what that's probably where he got it from right he probably wanted
to have that sound
on the guitar because he was probably listening to somebody playing a horn i
don't know what
but uh i always loved the trumpet and the trombone and the sax saxophone's kind
of hacky to like
that's like liking guitar everybody likes guitar everybody likes when it comes
to
horns everybody likes the saxophone right the trump owns the right the trumpet
you ever listen to a big band those four trumpet players show up they
you know they stand up they start playing their little section they almost
knock you out of your
seat um i don't know man they were cool and they were expensive as
like the cheapest one was like that they had there was like six seven eight
hundred bucks
the one the parents are always freaking out when that kid stops playing the
trumpet it's like dude
you know i could have bought a new riding mower
do you know what stopped me from playing the trumpet other than uh just poor
you know
musical gifts was i didn't want to get that fucked up lip and then the guy
behind the counter told me
he said oh that's just poor technique that's just from pressing probably your
embouchure or whatever
the fuck they call it is wrong so to make up for it you got to press it against
your lips and then you get
like that that you know you know you look like somebody beat you with a trumpet
rather than you play one right
and he's like no you just want to be relaxed you want to be relaxed since
everything is that in life
you know what i mean you want to be relaxed you want to hit a home run don't
try and kill it just
swing through the zone let the bat meet the ball there it goes right in a
little league field for me
professional guys they could hit it out of fenway black right stop trying to
kill it golf you want
to drive it a bunch of yards there right you want to show off you're on the
first tee have you all the
white dudes standing behind you one woman and somebody of color so nobody can
say your membership is
racist right you fly them in everybody's standing there watching you you're
waiting to tee off right
you're feeling the sweat going down the back of your ball bag and what do you
do you grip it a little
tighter you go back like john daly you swing outside your zone and you go
through
your little hat with the pom-pom falls off you fall on your ass your white slacks
get a grass date on
him and where does the ball go huh fucking ricochets off the ladies teeth and
everybody snickers everybody
snickers then you're in a bad mood you have a bad round and then you fucking
come home you throw your
clubs down right and then your wife comes out wants you to emote and next thing
you know you got your hands
around her throat right her eyes are rolling back she's making dents on the
what you know how it ends
right you know how it ends it ends with a trip to home depot you're buying a
pickaxe and some sort of
lime and all you had to do all you had to do was just relax go up there smile
and wave at all your
so-called friends that you know are rooting against you you know stay within
yourself be nice and relax
don't give a let the face meet the ball there it goes right down the goddamn
fairway
but no you tried to kill it and when it ended up happening an innocent woman
died
right and how are you going to get caught huh because of the back of her head
the imprint's
going to be on the hood of the car they come over there to dust it right and
then they'll still be
able to tell it's the perfect shape of her skull with the little blue little
ponytail
you know and then you just sit there that's when you break down on the on the
stand
like on one of those classic uh iron side all right it was me
remember those old stupid court dramas the early days of movies and television
all you had to do was just ask the person the defendant a bunch of quick
questions
you know they'd just be like you went golfing that day didn't you yeah what
about it everyone was
watching weren't they they were watching you and you squeezed the club floor no
i didn't jada and you
then you went home then you killed you all right i did it
they always did that and then they always shook women and slapped them you know
and that was the
backbone of hollywood and for some reason 67 years later everybody's surprised
that people are running
around grabbing people by their privates and uh finishing on a plant
um anyways i guess was it the midterm elections i don't know what happened all
i know is i was down
on the set and somebody said hey it's a good good day for democrats
and i was just like uh what do you mean he goes yesterday man he said the
democrats democrats
killed it yesterday and my first thought was well did they elect good democrats
you know what i mean i don't like how people look at politics the way they look
at their sports team
you know what i mean where like if it's a bad call as long as it goes in the
favor of your team you're
like ah that was fine you know like hillary supporters doing that stupid thank
you hillary
which was probably started by her people um i don't understand what people on
the left are doing
still trying to push her over the top at some point you just got to admit you
wasted a draft pick
and you got to move on to somebody else i've never seen somebody just keep
coming back like
f***ing freddy krueger since probably richard nixon that has to be her spirit
animal my favorite my
f***ing why did i just say favorite that's the thing i hate the most when
people say so and so is my spirit
animal what are you f***ing 11 you got a pen pal too um yeah like if i was her
i would just i would look i would look at richard nixon and be like okay this
guy
lost you know one on the radio lost on tv he was sitting there you know
sitting there like how you normally sit right he's got sweater in his upper lip
jfk comes in all tanned up he's got his legs crossed like he's doing panel on
the f***ing tonight show
you know all the women are watching going oh if i had to suck a political d***
that would be the d***
right so everybody f***ing votes you know thinks that he won on tv
nixon loses the election and then he lost the governor's race in california and
liter