Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-16-17
Uploaded: 2017-11-16T20:08:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-16-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-16-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-16. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-16-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on
you how's it going
how's your thursday how's your week you're having a good time out there you're
getting ready to eat
your fucking face off hey well here's a good one for you you know you're gonna
eat like an absolute
pig on thanksgiving you know you're gonna eat all the leftovers and all that
crap you know you're
gonna drink your face off the wind the wednesday before thanksgiving going out
there right trying
to meet some ladies right going back to your hometown you know you're gonna do
all of that
crap as i adjust the windscreen here on the microphone um you know you're gonna
do all that
shit so why not why not before why not now just you do cardio every fucking day
giant salad right
you got a giant salad with the protein somewhere in your fucking day lunch or
dinner why don't you do
that right up until thanksgiving you know and right through the thanksgiving
weekend why don't you just
do that every day say i'm gonna get on that fucking motherfucking elliptical
and knock out a half hour
why don't you do that instead of eating yourself into a food coma and then you're
gonna have all
that sugar and salt in you and you know what you're gonna be thinking i should
work out and all that
fucking stuff is gonna be sitting on your brain going no i don't want to
working out is hard
sitting here becoming a fat fuck is easy yes it is easy anything worth anything
worth something in life
it's difficult um come on guys what are we doing here huh aren't we fat enough
how much longer
america are we gonna sit here and gloat how much poisonous food we have more
poisonous food than any
other nation on the planet you know how much longer it's not even really point
i think most of it now that
i'm starting to watch these things on nutrition is how they just had the whole
thing upside down and
the whole food pyramid was created by a guy who didn't know shit about food who
went to fucking italy
post-world war ii where they lost to a bunch of goddamn nerds italy lost that
they lined up with
fucking a star over there right adolf hitler right they lined up with him and
they lost so he went over
to a fucking war torn country post-war right everybody was fucking broke so
everyone was skinny and he
equated it to their fucking diet and started talking about how you want to eat
a bunch of carbohydrates
like these fucking guys who lost a goddamn war not tell you something like that
i don't know i'll post a
video um but all i know is like all of that stuff is like the devil i still
cannot get my head around
the fact that i can eat this much meat and i still don't i think you know i
guess as my mother always
said everything in moderation as she would yell across the room right um so i
guess that's what you
want to do so i'm just gonna i'm gonna do what the fuck i always do i do a ton
of goddamn cardio and i
stop eating around five o'clock six o'clock and then i just crush the waters
one of the meals is a
fucking salad that's what i do all right that's how i lose weight i don't sit
around blaming society
or the fucking industry i'm in right is i'm eating a fucking candied apple
like a lot of these fucking people out there
that have just given in to their sugar salt coma and then want you to sit there
and accept their defeat
rather than standing up and giving them a halftime
fucking speech you know grabbing them by the back of their hair
and pulling it out of that bowl of fucking peanut and fucking chocolate m&ms
and getting right in their grill like bobby knight used to huh poking them in
the chest
you know talking to them about their transition game between one meal to
another
that's what's happening out there right this this fucking country's getting it's
getting soft
it's getting soft everybody's a goddamn fucking victim everybody has a fucking
excuse right and
everybody's letting them get away with it going like now now now now all right
it's not the potato chips fault it's your fault all right you control your
hands
stop telling your hands to go into the bag all right
if you ate a head of lettuce the way you eat those fucking chips like i'm
telling you right now you'd be
a goddamn dreamboat you know what you got to do quit your fucking crying all
right i'm done
you know what song is in my head when i when i was just talking i'm in the
middle of a radio tour right now
promoting my dates in uh albuquerque
and in arizona i don't know where the hell i'm gonna be in arizona
tucson or some shit and then i got uh
hollywood florida and i have orlando
florida well i will be going to the orlando magic game the last team i need to
see
protein that i need to see in the state of florida plus i've seen the miami
hurricanes
and the florida gators what's left you ask the florida state seminals
you know in a central florida keeps making noise i got i got to go down there
eventually right
um
i don't know i guess what's left is to fucking try to swim
lake okeechobee whatever the hell it is and try not to get eaten by an
alligator or maybe the python
that ate the fucking alligator i don't i don't pretend to understand these
things
i don't i don't try to pretend to understand what florida is
but whatever i was just in the middle of this radio tour
and i was joking around with this fucking guy that was interviewing me and
somehow we started singing that song brandy remember that song brandy
was a fucking bitch and her pussy itched but she sat there
hitting on a pirate and he never would commit to her
that's such a sad song when you really listen to the fucking lyrics it's like
she sounds like she sounds like such a nice woman why doesn't she get out of
that fucking bar and stop talking to those
those those those whalers whatever the hell she's talking to
their job takes them out to sea i did one cruise ship in my entire career i
have never been further away
from anything that i knew or loved in my life
you know people go on cruises to get rid of their spouse
you know when they went through with the marriage that they didn't want to be
in
and rather than just looking at everybody just saying i don't want to do this
and just let everybody pelt you with the wedding cake
next thing you know you're laying in your little fucking cabin on a cruise ship
going like all right so
i'll uh
i'll tell her i'm gonna take a picture of her and i'll oh my god it's just the
shit that people do
happens to guys too people fall overboard in those things
why am i talking about cruise ships i don't even know why oh yeah so why would
this woman
commit to these fucking people you know they always make it out like she's the
victim i think what
really happened was i think brandy didn't want a relationship you know maybe
that's what it was
i just feel like for me
all right so i'm 91 days into not drinking i'm in overtime right now the movie
is wrapped
i'm basically done with my gigs for this year i'm chilling out i'm getting into
the holiday spirit
oh billy the baker's gonna rear his ugly head i think i'm gonna make a
blueberry pie this year
you know i'm gonna deep fry a fucking turkey but my wife won't let me buy the
apparatus why can't we just
order one i don't know
because it's not as fun
there's not that sense of satisfaction
knowing that somebody else made the fucking turkey what kind of man am i i'm
gonna have
somebody else cook my fucking turkey i mean doesn't that sound borderline
filthy
that's like something if you whispered it in a woman's ear at work i mean you'd
have a fucking
problem
here we deep fry my turkey for me the fuck did you just say to me
all right
um
i don't know but you know i'm getting to this point that i'm starting to
understand
like
there's this weird balance you have to have when you're married you have to say
exactly what the
fuck you're thinking you have to be honest with your partner while totally
agreeing with everything
that they say i haven't figured it out yet you know
hey me and some friends are going to brunch do you want to go no no i don't why
because it's always
crowded it's always crowded you go down there you got to stand there then you're
standing outside
waiting for them to fucking call your name and then when they finally call your
name you're sitting
there eating as all these other people are eyeballing your plate breathing down
your fucking
neck from across the room
it's like the food version of playing golf
is there anything worse than playing golf and you got that fucking you got
those
goddamn borderline pros are playing right behind you
and you just see them just fucking like 80 yards away like throwing their hands
up like jesus christ
how many fucking attempts do you need
it's that same kind of pressure it's just like it's fucking play through eat
through buddy
you want to sit down and order i'll fucking pick my plate up
i don't know somewhere in there i was being honest with my wife
so you don't want to go to fries with me
don't you like me anymore it's like lady i married you
i'm paying all the bills
okay what more this whole thing crumbles over some
fucking eggs that i don't want to go down and get we got eggs in the fridge
sweetheart
why don't you bring your friends over here they'll sit out on the back porch
because we want to get dressed up we want to go out and look cute and have
other women resent us for how cute we are
look at those bitches over there being cute i'm so fucking mad at them um
all right so now that i'm back i ordered the nhl and the nba package as of
yesterday i watched my
first nhl game why at a wire yesterday bruins versus the anaheim ducks and if
you were rooting for the bruins
what a fucking stinker i know we're really banged up on that type of thing but
jesus christ
christ the one problem the boston bruins have had ever since they decided to
blow up the team
is we lack that fucking power forward that person that is on the ice that
everybody else has to be
like oh keep your head on a goddamn swivel so-and-so's out there every team if
you want to compete
in the nhl you got to have that it's like a great white shark
just swimming around everybody's just hoping the thing just got done eating you
know what
i mean and you're always keeping an eye out where the is that thing
you know those great white sharks they just they just swim so goddamn slowly
until wow they
turn it on next thing you know you got 90 rows of teeth coming at you right
you're all drunk swimming naked out to a buoy whatever the it is you're doing
at the beginning
of jaws we don't have that ever since we got rid of luchich and uh i don't
think that those people
i'm gonna go out on a limb and say those guys are very few and far between we
got to have our guy
um who's our enforcer i don't even know and i looked at the celtics roster as i
mentioned
it's like i knew every everybody on the celtics and now i know like three of
them they got rid of
everybody but i heard they're playing great and i believe they have a game
tonight so i'm going to
watch that and i also want to say the bruins are playing back to back down here
i think they're
playing the kings um these are always brutal games bruins always come out here
and fucking lose
i can't believe the kings it took them so goddamn long to win this many games
all these years everybody comes down here and wants to just party in hollywood
and try to
fuck a movie star that's what everybody's doing right so then they come to the
game all hung over
right smelling like the flavor of the month whoever the they just banged and
then they go in there and
they just walk through the game and they get their asses kicked this is what
happens every goddamn time
but at least you can go down to anaheim and beat the ducks right
the the the the equally injured ducks but we we couldn't get it done we couldn't
in fact the ducks
have won the last eight regular season games against the bruins they own us
a team we'