Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 11-20-17
Uploaded: 2017-11-22T17:51:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 11-20-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 11-20-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-22. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 11-20-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for
monday november 20th 2017 right off the bat the first thing you should notice
is my hushed
fucking tone not a hushed tone a hushed fucking tone uh my daughter is sleeping
down since it's
like 5 30 in the fucking morning and uh this is the only time i'm gonna have to
do this podcast
if i wanted to kind of come out on time today so
that is what i'm doing um i was with my daughter all day yesterday it was
awesome
nia went out with some friends and then she went out to fucking dinner and uh i
just sat there we
watched the patriots raiders i had taped the uh celtics um hawks game i watched
a little bit of
the dallas philly game because on inside the nfl i said dallas was gonna win
and my only reasoning was division rivalries you know what i mean it's like
look how bad the buffalo
bills got fucking raped yesterday by the san diego chargers for whatever
fucking reason they're going
to give us a tough game they're at least going to cover this spread one goddamn
time for the simple
fact that we see him twice a year going back to like 1960 back in the afl you
know so
um i was wrong i'm big enough to say that i was wrong carson wentz i guess six
foot five unbelievably
mobile uh yeah eagles put a thumping on him i'm a big enough man to say i was
wrong
i'm a big enough man to let you know that i'm sitting here drinking tea all
alone um so yeah i just did
that was just uh hanging out with my daughter dude she's amazing she really is
amazing she's like
all over the place she can say mama now and she can say dada but she doesn't
know what they mean
you know and she doesn't know when the word ends so you like say mama she just
goes mama mama mama
mama say dada she'll go like mama come on say dada she'll go dad dad dad dad
dad dad dad and then
i'm pointing at myself she'll just smile at me like the fuck is with you and
she just crawls away
she can stand she can let go of stuff still stand um for a good like i don't
know i think her record's
like eight or nine seconds and you always think that they're gonna like fall
back and hit their head
drives you nuts but some reason they just they sit right down in their butt
um i don't know i still don't trust the whole
i still don't trust the whole thing and uh i did the classic dad moment
somebody bought us a toy
that i think is a little advanced
for my kid um it was basically uh you know like the walkers that old people
have
this is like the same kind of thing except it's uh you know it has a smiling
cow's face on it
and sing songs on the front but essentially it's an old person walker so my
daughter was pushing it
around like on her knees first and then she started standing up what i did was
i put my iphone slightly
in front of it you know because they love any sort of computer screen um and uh
she was you know
started taking steps with it or anything but there's like no break on it it's
like really fucking
dangerous so i always have to be hovering over so the one time i go to film her
doing it and no i'm not
going to show you this footage um she fucking starts to walk and i'm filming
her and all of a sudden
she like leaned back and the whole thing like tipped over on her she fell down
hit her head she was on
the rug though the capited area but uh if i were to show you that video you'd
see the second she was
in danger i fucking threw the camera down i tried to catch her as opposed to
most of these fucking
parents out there i swear to god it's like they're trying to put them in bad
positions
and then the kid falls down and you hear the parents laughing they don't even
try to help them
because they're all giddy thinking like this is going to get me a bunch of hits
like i haven't seen this one there's some kid i guess somebody was telling me
like
hanging from something and falls into a fucking fish tank breaks the fish tank
or something that's
water that's glass that's dead fish that's the kind of shit used to get you
sent to bed
the second your parents saw it they'd be like dude what the fuck are you doing
okay they didn't say dude but everything else they said
now the parents just sit there and they you know it's like watching one of
those nature shows
like anytime they show a snake eating somehow it always finds a fucking mouse
do you know how long you'd have to sit there following that goddamn snake
around with an entire
camera crew the thing keeps turning around looking at you trying to strike you
you're freaking it out right
plus you and your camera crew are making all that goddamn noise you're going to
scare all the
mice away but somehow they always seem to capture the moment the snake fights
the other snake
you know it kills a rabbit it kills a fucking bird
i want to know why all of these fucking people out there right
all of these animal lovers they're talking about the japanese beating all those
dolphins to death in
the cove they're talking about don't leave your dog
you know in a in a uh in a car with the windows up all of that shit
what about these mice
okay on these these these fucking nature shows i think i've told this before
i watched one one time they're following this snake through the we'll say air
quote woods
okay the snake is completely oblivious of the goddamn camera crew
they must be just tippy towing around right craft services just off in the
distance
you know so they got one camera team is following this mouse
the other team is following like this rattlesnake or something
so the mouse goes down into the hole and then the snakes goes down in the hole
and then next thing you
know i'm in the hole too the camera is in like the giant living room part
the open area the great room the room over the garage if you will of this hole
okay the game room the man cave right
and uh the camera's already in there
the fucking mouse is standing there like what the fuck
you know like joe pesci and goodfell's like ah no the second it sees a camera
and then the snake comes in and kills the thing
i want to know peter they're so busy you know wrapping themselves around some
fucking half dead armadillo layman in the streets where the fuck are they on
this issue
how in god's name could that camera crew possibly and all the fucking holes in
the woods
of all the fucking mice in the gather mice in the woods i don't know right of
all the fucking rodents in the goddamn woods how the hell did they know that
this fucking mouse was going to go down that fucking hole and that snake that
they were following was going to follow that mouse down into that hole into
that part of the hole
there's only one way people
it was a setup
okay
setup the same way they set up those sharks
to look like a bunch of lunatics when they hang that fucking steamship round
hanging off the goddamn boat
steamship round everybody i told you i'd work it in
just basically half the hindquarters of a cow they got that hanging off the
side of the boat
right
the great white shark shows up
it's got that arsenio thing where you know when it smiles it shows way too much
gums
making it not a sympathetic character which is why i think when they brought
arsenio back
it didn't last that long i think personally
i don't think it was because of the talent of the man
you know go back and watch coming to america
going blow for blow with eddie murphy
you know
same thing with these great white sharks
majestic beautiful doing their fucking job
god forbid you got crooked teeth in america i'm telling you
the mice have crooked teeth they got pointy teeth right
are they meat eaters
the fuck does a mouse eat
it's got to be it's got to suck when you figure out
that in the pecking order of nature you're just sort of this uh
like a slider
you like this appetizer like there's
you know
all of that shit christ they're fucking like rabbits
it's like rabbits have to produce the way they do or a bunch of other species
die
and i imagine some egghead with the lab coat would say that eventually human
beings would die
unless we ate a plant-based diet
fruits and vegetables
grains and nuts
i'll get into this shit later on
you know i watched this video saying that you know meat and butter and shit and
eggs
and dairy wasn't that bad so
you know what happens the second you fucking
say that uh
you know this food isn't bad
a bunch of people
other non-experts
come out of the fucking woodwork
and start telling you about the videos that they that they just watched and the
shit that they think is right
you know it's literally like these fucking food people and nutrition people i'm
done with them
you know what they're like they're like religious people
where they think god loves them best their story about god buddha muhammad jesus
you know ojj right
i don't want to start a race war here not a race war a religious war here
but you got to admit jesus is the coolest out of all of them
you know
hey man like
you guys want to see me walk on water i mean just doing all these tricks
right
he's like a fucking lounge act in vegas
he's pulling all the fucking bread and the fish out
you know in fairness to muhammad
i have not read one word about him
i've never read the koran
i've never even read the bible
you know in the afterlife
i just hope i die in a group accident
you know what i mean
so that way we're all just kind of sitting there
i can kind of skate with the smart kids
you know when the teacher would come in
did anybody uh
read the short story last night
you all read it
and everybody's kind of like
yeah yeah yeah yeah
like try not to make eye contact
then the dude would start asking questions
you're like oh fuck
come on man
you start looking at the smart kid
like dude put your fucking hand up
and ask god damn
answer these fucking questions
this is my afterlife thing's gonna be about
you know
i actually don't think it's gonna be that bad
because i am a big believer that either you're just dead
like that poor fucking mouse
or the arsenio hall
reboot of the talk show
she's dead
oh fuck did i just wake my daughter up
i can hear her downstairs
but she always wakes up this time anyways
um
it's amazing when you're a parent
the second your kid stirs in the crib
you fucking wake up
i'm still not getting eight hours sleep
probably why i'm talking about this fucking mouse right now
5 47 in the morning
pacific coast time
um
yeah i think either you're dead
or you just kind of show up
and god's just like uh
yeah uh
sorry about that
you know it's just a big experiment
i just
you know
i
wanted to create a bunch of things that
destroy each other
i mean that's what happens
if you do watch those nature shows
the level of fucking murder
that goes on out in nature
just all the time
does anybody die of old age
like die a natural death
in nature
i think like elephants do
but even then
they're trying to walk back
to that place that they remember
and
i don't know
they're always hyping up elephants
about everything that they fucking remember
it's like i get it
i get it
they're smart
okay
i get it
there's 30,000 fucking muscles
in their goddamn nose
um
i'm just fucking with you
you gotta love element
elephants
you know
rhinos
and hippos
are the cunts
of elephants
you know what i mean
i can feel like an elephant
you kind of got a shot
as long as their kid's not around
like an elephant
just kind of looks over at you
and it's just like
all right man
you know
keep your distance
everything's fucking cool
and rhinos
and like
hippopotamuses
those fucking things
are uh
did i say rhinos and elephants
are the cunts of the elephants
did i say that earlier
or did i say rhinos and hippos
i don't even know
it's fucking early
rhinos and hippos
are the cunts
of elephants
you know what i mean
little short motherfuckers
they didn't get the long nose
right
just one of those guys
coming out
playing pickup hockey
or pickup hoop
and just taking it way too seriously
and you just
instinctively try to stay away
from them
before they blow your fucking knee out
if you watch one of those animal videos
when li