Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 12-4-17
Uploaded: 2017-12-04T19:01:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 12-4-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 12-4-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-04. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 12-4-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
monday december 4th 2000 and fucking uh
17 yeah there we go i just realized i just gave a fuck i just gave dean del rey
a check and i
wrote december 5th on it i thought tomorrow was december 5th well it is by the
time you hear this
but i did this sunday night that i gotta tell him not to deposit the check well
they can still
deposit it right and then they don't fucking whatever dean del rey opened for
me this weekend
holy shit we got the levels up too high here they're too high i can't hear
myself thinking here
for god's sakes could you just shut it down please thank you
um dude i'm sitting there one dude i'm sitting there minding my own business in
my house
my house you bankers it's mine now until i die then you get it back don't you
you cunts
um they just sit there waiting if you ever pay off your house look out your
window there'll
be a banker sitting out there like a like a goddamn vulture waiting for you to
look at them look at them eating bacon i guess bacon's good for you now i don't
know what the
fuck i don't know what i don't know what i'm talking about um anyways um i
wonder what room
i'm gonna die in in this house you ever think about that when you just get the
house like i'm not
fucking leaving i'm staying here right and then you just when you once you make
that decision you're
like well then i'm gonna die in here what room is it gonna be i think a lot of
people die at breakfast
nooks you know just sitting down having some toast reading the morning paper
that wouldn't be a bad way
to go let's go face down until like a half piece of grapefruit
honey um what room would you want to die in you don't want to do it in the
shower right that's
fucking awful and you're all waterlogged you know bang your head on the a lot
of people die in the
shower they slip and fall you know and they can't get up right and that's why
they came out with that
fucking uh that thing there for all the old people but what a lot of people don't
realize is a lot of
them fall in the shower and then they they go to use their little i've fallen
and i can't get up thing
and then they get electrocuted um i don't think that happens but i would be
worried about that
trying to drag my old pruned ass out of the tub
oh my god that's got to be the worst when you get so old you're afraid to take
a shower
you got to bring like a lazy boy in there
oh i'm sorry that just struck me it's funny you just got a giant lazy you got a
recliner
in your shower somehow it's waterproof i don't know the yeah i like i love that
flashlight that
just came out that that runs on water i mean give me what are we doing what the
are
we doing in the middle east jesus christ jesus christ just put that in a car
stick 20 of those flashlights in the car i'll drive slower let's just get out
of there already
right the fuck we think we're doing you know what the middle east is like
middle east is like you're
a civilian and you get in the middle of like a domestic violence
fucking incident you know and you try to break it up
you know and the second you go to break it up the woman starts beating on you
like get off my abusive husband that's what it's like over there just fucking
get those water flashlights this is what you do you get those water flashlights
and you put them
into fucking scooters then everybody has to ride a scooter whether you're fat
or old or whatever you
got to ride one and cars are illegal all right the amount of people wiping out
and dying right
freeze up the fucking traffic we're not using much oil and then they go
bankrupt over there
how about that there did i solve the middle easter i must i'm gonna do that
every week every week i'm
gonna have a new fucking solution for the middle east um anyway i don't what
the fuck i'm talking about
i just can you imagine just having a giant fucking recliner you know and then
you have like that
little grabby thing and you just turn on the fucking water one of those grabby
things you know you're
fucking you pull the handle and then you got an ex like the fucking grocers
they always grab like a can
of soup or some what what do you want beef or broccoli whatever they go up
there and they
yank it down i don't know if that doesn't happen anymore there's no there's no
regular person running
a grocery store anymore is there
grocery stores are weird man though they kind of like the food version of a
casino like you just
feel like there's somebody up in the ceiling watching you know behind like a
two-way mirror
when you go in there there's really nothing stopping yeah one time i walked to
this grocery
store with patrice and we acted like children he got me going like he was so
silly i
remember one time he just goes uh we were going and he was staying at my
apartment for pilot season
both of us creeps trying to get on must-see tv yeah how do you think that
worked out
so um we were in like ralph's or some and he just kept going hey bill you want
some of these and when
he would go to point at it he would like he'd have his hand way too close to
the bag and he was like
bread or something he goes bill you need some of this and he was he would just
push his finger into
like three slices of bread through the wrapper and he just started doing that
around the grocery store
and i was crying laughing he did it to cookies he was doing he's doing it to
fruit and these giant
fingers hey bill you want one of these and just like all the way through the
thing
and i'm immature as and it was just making me cry laughing he's a comedian so
he just kept doing
it and i was trying to do it i couldn't even you know my fingers weren't i don't
know
i was laughing too hard i couldn't do it as good as him um anyways jesus i hadn't
thought about that
in for ever and i want to apologize maybe it wasn't ralph's where the were we i
always hated ralph's
you know it's just a pain in the ass the one that was down the street
i used to live off at sunset and there was a ralph's it used to be called rock
and roll ralph's
everything was rock and roll denny's rock and roll ralph steps back like
leftover from the hair metal
shit you know the rock and roll hyatt right next to the comedy store john
bottom used to ride
motorcycles there's some into the thing i don't know what um i have no idea i
don't know what the
it was i don't even know where we were at um jesus christ i haven't thought of
that in forever
what the was i talking about talking about being an old man with a recliner and
a goddamn shower
whatever that moment's come and gone that's what happens on the podcast i just
talk and whatever
happens it happens by the way i would like to thank everybody that came out to
albuquerque
new mexico i had a great time at route 66 casino i've that's the second time i
played there i
fucking love that place the crowd was awesome and then the next uh the next
last night i played in
tucson arizona another great time just great people great parts of the country
um fun fucking crowds
and um i gotta tell you i'm acting like a fucking idiot on stage like i think
it's my reaction to this
fucking this this weird fog that is starting to roll in slowly rolling in over
the last five years on
stand-up comedy where all of a sudden i sit there on stage and sometimes i
think after i say something
like did somebody record that am i gonna get into trouble i i even thought i
never thought that the
first fucking 20 years of my career in the last five years it just keeps
creeping into my head
and in order to beat it down i i i don't know i think i'm going a little harder
somebody's got
there's got to be some sort of pushback on this fucking vibe that's out there
that everything is so
goddamn serious now jesus christ a couple guys want to be women a couple guys
take their dicks out at
work and then all of a sudden everybody's got oh how did he mean that joke is
that a joke or is that
legislation for a new law like this whole vibe that's out there it's it's it's
really weird
and young people are acting like old people you know and i think that's because
they're on social
media and all that and they're just watching this stuff 24 7. it's like i don't
know
it's up their brains i mean come on millennials you gotta do something that's
but you're supposed to
make me uncomfortable that isn't music christ what are they doing you know i
guess they have that new
documentary meth town on uh hbo dean del rey told me to watch that i can't
watch that
i'm not gonna watch a bunch of toothless people those goddamn people i swear to
god they
look like they're from the 1800s that's how bad they their faces up with that
meth
i'll tell you once you lose your teeth you look like you're 80 i don't care how
old you are you
could take one of those gorgeous victorious secret models if they don't have
any teeth
and they didn't get a partial or a implant or whatever the you call them
dentures or some if you just walk around toothless you immediately look
you look like homer simpson's that guy that falls asleep his dad is it his dad
um their grandfather right i don't know yeah so i had that on i was talking to
someone on the phone
and and dean kept telling me what you got to see it dude you got to see it and
even dean said man i
shut this thing off like three times he goes it's brutal so i just had the
sound down and i was watching
all these toothless people with these crazed looks on their faces and uh i was
on the phone and at one
point i just saw somebody kicking dog shit like piles of dog shit different
piles all around the house
like hoarding dog shit out of the way in this person's house with newspaper all
over it and stuff
and um that's when i turned the channel i don't know about you guys but i drew
the line at the uh
i drew the line at the dog there's a few things that make me turn the channel
okay drug addicts with dog in their house and and strong female characters make
me turn the channel
and not because i have anything against a strong female character it's just
that they don't develop
them i think everybody in hollywood is so afraid of getting yelled at by these
women's groups that
they just throw in these strong female characters but they don't they don't
make a three-dimensional
character they just have a woman yelling at guys and grabbing them by their
fucking lapels of their
suit and throwing them over couches and shit it's like they took like leftover
steven seagal
shit and they're like well give it to the woman here see she's strong all of a
sudden every
fucking show hey you with your dick and balls just like who is this person
this guy outweighs her by like a hundred pounds what am i what am i watching
i watched that recently i'm not even gonna say the show but i'm watching this
guy this guy's like 40
years old he's talking to a 19 year old redneck woman who lives next to a lake
in the middle of
arkansas and she's having a battle of wits with them and she's winning i'm like
jesus christ
the what kind of a 19 year old can beat a 50 year old guy in a battle of wits
unless they're talking about nintendo whatever the kids play nintendo sorry
whatever you guys play
i'm not a gamer all right i used to be a booze hound i'm still not drinking
the fuck is it it's uh what am i a hundred and something days in at this point
it's 105 days three days in that's 108 be 109 by the time you listen to this
thing but i gotta tell
you i'm fucking i'm getting weak i'm getting weak oh the holidays are rolling
in i think i'll be good
through december but uh i'm going to the rose bowl again this year this is my
10th rose bowl all right
it's the 10th anniversary for me and joe bartnick the originals
the original drunk maniacs at that game and what's so awesome now about the
college football
playoff is that every three years now the rose bowl is a playoff game last time
it was uh florida
stayed in oregon i believe uh jameson winston and uh the guy from the tennessee
tysons i can't remember
his name 