Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 12-11-17
Uploaded: 2017-12-12T17:58:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 12-11-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 12-11-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-12. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 12-11-17

Are you filming? Are you just taking a picture? What are we doing?
What are you doing?
Oh, picture. Okay. I always get paranoid.
All right, we're going?
All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr,
and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday, December 11th, 2017.
What's going on? How are ya?
It's the Christmas season, everybody.
Merry Christmas to everybody.
I know you're not supposed to say that anymore.
I don't know why.
If somebody said Happy Hanukkah to me,
I wouldn't be like, you know, go fuck yourself.
I'm Christian.
I'm not even Christian. I don't even go to church.
I just like saying Merry Christmas.
It puts a little song in my heart.
But in this gift-giving time of the year,
the gift that we have today is a very special guest
came in all the way from New York,
the wonderfully talented,
with a brand new special called Naive Innocence
that you can get on iTunes, Google Play, Amazon,
U-Porn, right?
U-Porn, no.
No. Okay.
Please welcome Harris Stanton, everybody,
to the program.
Hey, what's up?
Yeah, there should have been applause there,
but we don't have the sound effects.
I have porn in my album.
Do you know I'm trying to go to the month of December?
No porn.
No booze.
Why?
No nothing.
Because I think it fucks you up.
It does.
It does.
If I didn't get up so late and had to be here at 1,
I would have jerked off before I came here.
But I realized I didn't have enough time to get into it the way I wanted to.
Jesus.
What are you, fucking become a character or something?
No, I watched that Flair documentary he was talking about,
and the guy asked him how many times a day do you jerk off?
He goes twice.
I was like, that's about what I do.
Ric Flair said that?
Yeah, you saw the documentary.
I don't remember that part.
Yeah, he went to a sports psychologist,
and the guy was like, so how many times a day do you jerk off?
He goes twice.
How much do you drink?
He goes, I have 10 beers and five Bacchus.
That part I remember.
Yeah.
He said that before.
He said the jerking off stuff before that.
Oh, okay.
He goes, every day.
Every day.
He said, how long have you been doing that?
Oh, it's 1982.
I started in 72.
Boom, about 20 years.
He said, that's impossible.
He said, he spent a week with me.
Yeah.
I like when they said, they were like, your first wife,
how long are you faithful to her?
And he was like, ah, about a day.
And they go, really?
He goes, I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it.
I came home, and he goes, I was bored.
I just wanted to see a guy.
It was great.
To actually just say how fucking bored he is being married.
Because anytime you have a thought of just any sort of resentment
of your situation that you fucking created.
Right, exactly.
You didn't have to say, I do.
You didn't have to do all that.
But you created it.
You have that feeling of like, fuck.
I want to do this.
You have like that guilt.
I loved his complete lack of guilt.
Yes.
Or honesty, I should say.
Honesty, yeah.
Honesty.
Why do you tell the girls?
Why do you say, scream out your hotel?
I don't know.
Why don't you wear your ring?
I don't know.
No one ever comes to the hotel.
They all come to the hotel.
I like that one where he was in the middle of nowhere,
and there was no party when he went back to the hotel.
He created one.
They just created one.
Bought like 100 kamikazes, and then he's dancing on the bar.
It's just like, woo!
Yeah.
Dude, you just blew out my fucking ears.
Oh, sorry.
Jesus.
Let me turn this down here.
Speaking of, woo!
That's my Ric Flair impression.
Yeah, man.
You got to go away from the mic.
Woo!
There you go.
Speaking of honesty, tell me about your special.
And I also like how you're doing it.
You basically went where all the specials end up anyways,
and so you just bypassed all the networks.
It's just like, someone's going to steal this and rip it anyways,
or whatever the kids say.
You just shot it yourself?
No.
Bill, for the fifth time, it's an album.
Oh, it's an album.
Oh, it's a CD.
Yeah.
Well, it's not a CD.
It's just digital, I guess.
And I have drop cards that I sell after my shows and stuff.
Oh, all right.
Yeah.
Sorry, man.
I don't do a lot of interviews, and I'm not a good listener.
So, here we go.
Bill, for the last time, I'm here about a benefit.
When's your special come out?
I just assume it's a comedian.
It's got to be a special.
No, I filmed it at Gotham Comedy Club Memorial Day weekend.
Well, how do you film an album?
Well, you're right.
I recorded it at Gotham Comedy Club Memorial Day weekend.
And it's on all the little media platforms.
All right.
45-minute album.
I have to ask you the white guy question here.
You're wearing a Phillies hat.
All right.
Now, I've learned this with black people.
That doesn't mean you're a fan.
Do you have on maroon sneakers, or do you really like the Phillies?
I just like the hat.
Oh, you just like the hat.
Yeah.
I'm a Toronto Blue Jays fan.
You might see me wearing a few different Toronto Blue Jays hats.
And you have a baseball background, correct?
Yes.
I was drafted by the Chicago Cubs.
That's right.
You were a right fielder, I believe?
Mm-hmm.
In the 56th round, which they don't have that round anymore.
You were drafted in the 56th round.
And the scouting report on you was you could go deep, but you couldn't hit a
curveball.
Yes.
What did you do to try to work on, other than just guessing, what did you do
when you stepped
up to play to try to get, because there's no fucking way I could ever hit a
curveball.
Where I was, I was always hunting the fastball, which is probably not a great,
well, that's what
a lot of hitters do.
You're supposed to adjust, but I just, I think it was mental after a while.
I wish I knew about sports psychology when I was playing.
I would have went to one, because it was totally mental.
You had a mental, like Charles Barkley's golf swing, where he has to stop and
then keep going.
Or like John Lester, who can't throw to first base, but he can throw a pinpoint
fastball
on the inside corner to a hitter, but he can't throw it to first base to throw
somebody out.
Yeah.
He will not throw it.
No pitchers can throw.
You ever say, they all just, they fucking throw like, I don't know what, like a
goddamn
gorilla on the mound, and the second they got to throw it, they throw like a
little girl
like, oh.
Right.
I don't know if you remember Chuck Knoblot, he played for the, he was a gold
glove second
baseman, and all of a sudden he couldn't catch anything.
No, he couldn't throw.
He couldn't throw, what's the deal?
Yeah, he threw it, yeah, he threw it, it was like hitting people in like the
fifth row.
Yeah.
Steve Sachs was the first guy.
Was that the guy?
Yeah, the yips.
Yeah.
Is what they called him.
And it's all mental, because you were doing it your whole life until now.
So, did you ever hit the curveball?
Yeah, I've hit a few curveballs, bad ones, the ones that don't break that much.
Oh, okay.
But a good one, not too many people hit a good one anyway.
You're not going to hit, if Clayton Kershaw puts a good one on the, you're not
touching
it.
What's the, who's the, anybody you ever go up against made it in the big
leagues?
Yeah, Lando Hudson.
He's the only star.
How'd you do against him?
Well, he didn't, no, he didn't pitch, he was a player.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, he was a player.
No, I, uh, Jacob Shoemake, uh, he got drafted first round by the Toronto, not,
uh, by Atlanta
Braves.
And, um, he didn't make it.
He got a $500,000 sign-up bonus.
And, um.
So, you did all that Bull Durham shit, riding around in buses and all that?
No, I didn't make it that far.
I was released at spring training.
Wait, so when you get drafted by the Cubs, they saw you at high school?
Like, where did they see?
They saw me at high school, and then they, uh, they actually can, scouts can
actually help
you get into schools, they call other schools and go, we like this guy.
Um, matter of fact, I got, uh, recruited by NC State from a scout.
You know, they call schools and they, hey, get this guy, we're gonna look at
him.
And then you go to the school, and then after your first season, they either
pick you up
or they, cause I was a draft and follow-up.
So there's just non-stop pressure?
Yes.
So every time, so then, it's already bad enough if you're in your head, if you're
in a slump.
Yes.
Now it's just like, fuck, I'm not gonna get picked up next year, my dream is
gonna die.
So all these other kids are walking around going to keg parties, going, Mom,
send more
money, and you're, and you're literally going, my dream's fucking dying.
Right, right, exactly.
Most people don't, most people who don't know baseball, it's just extremely
competitive and
hard to play.
That's why there's a minor leagues.
There's no minor leagues for, but there is a little bit for football now, but
there's
no minor leagues for basketball and football.
You just go right to the pros.
But baseball, you need constant work from rookie ball all the way to AAA.
Rookie ball's not even A-ball yet.
Is that because the game's that hard?
It's really that hard, yeah.
You ever seen a 97-mile-an-off fastball coming at you?
I like those people that go down to the batting cages, and they just set it on
90, and they
know what the pitch is, and they keep going, dude, I was hitting it.
I was catching up with it.
It's just like, oh, okay.
All right, now let's actually put a brain behind that fucking machine that has
two other
pitches.
Exactly.
And there's a million people watching.
Right.
Fastball's actually easy to hit.
It's the other stuff, slider, curveball.
You don't know what's coming.
Sometimes if the pitch is good enough.
Can you please, what exactly is a slider?
What does it do?
It's a ball that slides to the left or slides to the right.
That's it?
Yeah.
That's not a curveball.
Curveball drops off the table.
No.
Curveball drops off the table, yeah.
That's a slider.
They call it 12 to 6, where it really drops from 12 to 6.
That's a bat.
Kershaw has a 12 to 6.
Some people just have a little loop, but a slider is a, and a cutter is a fastball
that
at the last minute darts to the left, which goes into your, the handle part,
and you break
your bat.
Like, Mariano had the greatest cutter, and it was just like.
Why can't they just guess, and just going, I know he's coming with the cutter,
and just
guess, and swing a little left?
Because it was that easy, I don't know, man.
I met a guy one time who, he used to play for the Giants, and he owned fucking
Tim Wakefield,
who was a knuckleball pitcher, and he goes, this is a visual here, but
basically he'd go
like, well, basically his pitch did this, and he would make all these crazy
movements with
his hand, and then go, it either went here, or da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, there.
Yeah, knuckleball is crazy.
He would just guess, he would go, all right, I'm going to just swing here on
this one,
or I'm going to swing there, and I'm ignoring all of this bullshit between me
and him, and
he actually was successful doing that.
I remember the Yankees one year, were just looking at tape against Wakefield,
and they
realized that most of his knuckleballs were balls.
So they go, well, just don't fucking swing at it, and then he started getting
behind in
the count, and I think that's when he had to, like, every once in a while throw,
like,
his idea of, like, a fastball.
Right.
But I always felt if I was going to get to the big leagues, like, that's the
way to,
you know, if you could somehow develop a knuckleball, because then you're not
going to blow
out your arm.
Right.
You could throw, like, 26 pitches, like, you know, crazy like Johnson.
Yeah, you could pitch to 60.
In the early 1900s.
Yeah.
What do you think?
I know we're not, I love sports.
Who gives a fuck?
We know you're funny.
Let's just fucking talk sports here.
What if, what if, what do you, how do you look at those early 1900s, you know,
specials,
not specials, the fucking records that people.
In baseball?
Yeah.
Like when somebody, you know, he pitched 93 innings in two days.
That'll never be broken.
Rig