Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-21-17
Uploaded: 2017-12-21T19:54:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-21-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-21-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-21. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-21-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning no it
isn't
oh god damn it it's time for the thursday afternoon just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm dreaming of checking in on you
just like the freckled cunt i am do they have christmas music in other
countries
is this strictly an american thing i can't imagine you're in england and they
give a
about bing crosby going where the trees are glistening and children listen to
him they don't
even have like enough fields over there for sleigh bells to go through right
there's no
room over there in england it's all been developed that's why we ended up
coming over here it wasn't
because of religious differences there was too much urban sprawl over there
even back in the 1600s
that's why people's teeth in england are so goddamn crooked it's not because
they don't
take care of the teeth they're all mashed together i'm sorry i had no intention
of getting on this
podcast and insulting um the great state of england you know there's a lot of
great states out there
right rhode island connecticut and england england is an incredible state it's
about the size of new
jersey you got to admit man for such a small country they've they've you know
they definitely
definitely let themselves be known around the world for better or for worse
depending on what side
are the queen you're sitting on um why would i i don't know what the i'm
talking about you know i
don't give a because technically i'm on vacation um i don't even feel i don't
even feel like i need to
be making an effort at this point um who knows i'll probably lose another
advertiser uh we're trying
to sell uh we're trying to sell pencils over in the united kingdom and we just
felt some of your
some of your statements they just went beyond comedy and just can't got into a
a area that we didn't feel
was inclusive and those people everything's a question they're like literally
taking the
piss out of you and say you know i just felt like you're not we just feel like
you're not doing the
job we need to be done that needs to be done and that you're going to be
unemployed during the holidays
that would be best for us
the ultimate passive aggressiveness is you walk around and you don't have the
common decency just to
just be stand there flat-footed and be the that you are instead you do
everything with questions
so that's when i stole your password for your bank account
and depleted all your savings so i'm sorry
i'm writing this from the cayman islands
um anyways i'm back i'm back i'm back in boston baby a lot of bees there literation
a little racial past blue ribbon remember cajun man adam sandler weekend update
back in the day
when i was young um i'm back here in boston and uh this is my first christmas
as a dad it's pretty
exciting i uh made a promise to myself that i was not going to flip out
at all that i was just going to be i was going to be as rosy as my daughter's
cheeks are right now
because she's teething um and i was able to do that until i picked up the
rental car
i lost my twice maybe three times i vaguely remember taking my hat off and
throwing it as hard as i can
down at the empty passenger seat you know like it was the end of the game and
there was a terrible call
like somebody scored a touchdown and they said oh wait you didn't make a
football move
and now i got to be on the road during the playoffs playoffs
all right here's what happened um we had a very early flight
and uh and this is the first time i was flying no no second time second time
flying with my wife and
daughter but the first time we did my kiddo was so young you know what i mean
it was like bringing
a loaf of bread with you you know she was really into being held back then and
snuggled and all that
type of stuff well now my kid's mobile going mobile right i believe she's what
they call cruising at this
point which means she she can pull herself up on a table and then walk side to
side and do like all
kinds of stuff like that although yesterday she actually let go of a table
turned around and then
reached for something else now she's never done that before what she would do
would be like wow that's way
over there i'm now going to go down sit on my butt crawl half a step and then
pull myself back up again
this is the first time you know she did sort of a wrestling move like coming
off the ropes spinning
around she did everything but a flying kick so my days are numbered as far as
you know being able to
stick her in a general area and turning my back and expecting her to still be
there um so now yeah
she wants to move around i gotta tell you something she was an absolute angel
on the plane
wait am i hearing other here
what in the has that been going on the whole podcast sorry i have my headphones
on
what advertiser oh that's right that's right i was on google plus well i'm
sorry for the
guy mumbling in the background it wasn't some crazy relative
this is some old guy talking about how the u.s and the china china need to
communicate
oh is that what we need to do why don't we all just leave each other alone how
about that
how about we stay over here you stay over there you shoot your missiles at
yourself we'll throw our
shit ourselves if we feel like we want to kill somebody why don't we just do
that why doesn't
everybody in the world just grow the up huh
all of this about going to war and all of that crap it's just a bunch of rich
people at the top
throwing temper tantrums because they want some sort of oil or they want some
sort of land they
want some sort of water outlet or they don't feel that you're praying to the
right fucking person or
they don't like your former government who gives a fuck you know you think i
like all of my neighbors
i don't dislike any of my neighbors but you know in the past
i haven't liked my neighbor's music i when i lived in new york i didn't like
the smell of their food
i didn't like listening to them arguing or fucking or what you know what you do
in new
york city but did i ever go did i go on the war path
did i did i you know sucker punch somebody as they came walking out of the
apartment no i didn't you
know why because i'm a adult all right now i think it's high time the democrats
the republicans
into the pentagon and everyone around the world just grow up just grow up
already
i gotta be honest i cannot believe that war is still legal the risk of sounding
like a tree hugger
i can't believe that it's a uh it's still legal you know what this is this is
my simple theory that i
worked out by myself so there was no one there to argue with me so it
completely makes sense i definitely
believe that you have to be a little sick to want to lead a nation
so i think that you got a lot of complete lunatics in power and they they make
those choices like uh
like what's his face martin sheen in the dead zone the birds are away
gentlemen the birds are away right that's kind of how i look at uh
most of these people that run corporations and all of that type of um
and i don't know what happened this all just got depressing which is why i don't
watch the news
i feel there's plenty of water there's plenty of food there's plenty of room
for everybody
if everybody would just relax you know and quit peeking over your fence to see
what other people
have and just be happy with what the you have we can have a nice giant farmer's
market every sunday okay
well you got a barrel of oil oh yeah we got a box of snickers bars how about
that we'll do a
little change here um anyways so i'm flying on the goddamn i'm sorry for the
audio i don't have time
to change that i apologize for the guy mumbling in the background
um it's sort of my my tribute to dark side of the moon you know that guy's mumbling
all that
shit there really is no dark side of the moon it's all dark um so we did great
on the plane everybody was
loving my daughter over there you know she was just peeking over the seats
waving at everybody
flight attendants were carrying her walking up and down the aisle it was great
um by the end she had
everybody loving her just smiling and waving i'm gonna try that on a flight i'm
gonna start peeking
over the seat just smiling and waving at people like a lunatic oh my god i was
that song is in my
head i know our daughter has this little little car that when you turn it on
how does it how does it go
i love driving on the road to to be driving all around the town waving to all i
meet smiling waving beep beep
over and over again so anyways i did great on the flight yeah you know i made a
promise that i wasn't
going to flip out this whole this whole trip well i was a i was able to do it
until the rental car
right all right all right we're going to eat okay text me when you're done i'll
just stay here working
during my vacation thanks for coming in helping out okay um so anyways i i we
go to get off the plane
and it's the usual battle between a man and a woman the guy's thinking okay we
check bags we also have
to pick up a rental car there's going to be all these people there all right
there's going to be a bunch
of people traveling it's going to take forever to get the bags why don't i
while you guys wait to get
the bags i'll get on the fucking bus the rental car bus and i will go over to
pick up the fucking rental car
you know and my laugh is a woman right always was a woman by the way she did
not transition
just to be progressive and give all you the information um
she's a woman so she wants to be social oh i thought we could all go over there
together
why don't this is me imitating you right now i thought we could all go there
together she just
gave me the finger um and i'm like honey we have three check bags i didn't want
to check a bag i was
going to travel oh good my kids kids screaming in there um i didn't want to
check a bag i was just
going to pack like i was going to go do a funny bone or some right a couple
pairs of pants a couple
of headliner shirts sweatpants and a t-shirt right but she's just like what if
what if we go out to eat
what if we get some christmas gifts and we need space just could you just
please bring a giant bag
so i took out my bag that you know i didn't even use the last time i went to
europe
because i finally learned how to pack
so we had three of those things so i'm like honey we're going to get off the
plane first
because we're riding up front like fancy people we're going to stand down there
for a good 15 20
minutes while the rest of the people file down and then we'll stand there for
another five minutes before
the belt turns on and then after the belt turns on and everybody's excited it's
just going to shut off
and then everybody's going to be like what the and then another belt two belts
over is going to turn
on okay and some smarty pants is going to figure out that that's actually where
our flight is except
he's not going to tell anybody because he's a selfish cunt and he's going to
stand over there and then
gradually people will start noticing faces from their flight two belts over
getting bags not telling
everybody so they can get out in the taxi line before anybody else then there's
going to be a
stampede of people this is basically what's going to happen and this is the
reason why i don't check a bag
okay but in loyalty and dedication to you in our little family unit i chose to
do that so all of this
shit's going to be going down all right as we stand there going what the fuck's
going on meanwhile i could
be over there getting the car all right and then i could get the car and just
as the belt starts i could
already be driving back smiling waving beep beep right i like picking up my car
to to beep beep
um so much to my surprise she goes oh okay and i'm like yes all right
so i don't know if you guys have ever been to boston but i don't know what this
fucking city has against signage they have plenty of signs but none really tell
you where to go
they're all sort of vague and there's arrows pointing you in the general
direction and then
at t