Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-28-17
Uploaded: 2017-12-28T22:19:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-28-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-28. Transcript available. Bill rambles about Christmas, booze, and the Newman Device.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-28-17' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-28. Transcript available. Bill rambles about Christmas, booze, and the Newman Device.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-28-17

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you you're not gonna believe
what the what i
just did oh you probably will haven't you listened to this thing enough to know
that i'm a fucking
moron you're not gonna believe what i just did what did you do bill well i just
recorded the
thursday afternoon podcast right and i forgot my cord that i usually i have a
routine the second
i do it i upload it and i'm done but i forgot the cord the ucb cord whatever
the fuck it is
usbc fucking public bank cord so it took me out of my routine and i just went
into like robot mode
and i fucking erased the podcast i just did why would i do that i was so psyched
i was done
i just came back from boston dude i came you know i woke up early i'm still on
east coast time my
beautiful daughter lovely wife are sleeping i paid all the fucking bills i got
everything ready to go
all i had to do is knock out my podcast it's a quarter eight in the morning i'm
done my kids just
getting up i'm ready to make everybody breakfast i'm crushing it and what do i
do i just hit a race
and i hit a race and you know once you hit a race you can't stop it from erasing
and i was like going
oh my god why what what did i just do and it's just it gone over
so now the big thing is is i can't compete with myself from a half an hour ago
all right i can't be
looking into the past and thinking about what i talked about i need to go into
the fucking future
all right i hope you guys all had a a merry christmas okay have you noticed
merry only goes with christmas
do you notice that it's happy hanukkah it's happy kwanzaa it's go fuck yourself
and it's merry christmas
isn't that weird merry hanukkah merry kwanzaa
merry muhammad what is their christmas
have a merry kwanzaa it's the best time of the year
boo doo doo doo doo doo i know there won't be snow because we're in the middle
east do they have any
mountains out there do people go skiing in iraq have i ever sounded dumber in
my life well you know
considering i just recorded a podcast and then promptly fucking erased it
promptly
like within fucking two minutes that's all i'm gonna do i'm gonna bitch moan
and complain
and whine about what i just did rather than move on with my life
all right setting the tone for 2018 once again we're gonna look back
rather than being in the moment
that's one of my goals for 2018
is to tell somebody who tells me to be in the moment to shut the fuck up
and when they say well hey i'm in the moment
you're annoying me in this moment
now that moment's gone i'm still talking about it
did i not take your advice you cunt can you stop acting
is there anything you know some of the most spiritual people have the most
fucked up lives
are you enjoying it did you take it in did you take a moment to fucking enjoy
bitch you're out of your mind
you're dating a married guy the fuck out of my face
um
anyway sorry
sorry whatever
whatever well there's four minutes
right four minutes i just i just got it back
oh guess what i got some big news for you
um
after 131 days
of being sober
oh
jesus
oh billy redface fell off the fucking wagon
um
i put up a good fight right through the holidays
i made it to december 26th
what kind of a fucking asshole falls off on the 26th
i could see new year's eve i could i mean christmas eve i could see christmas
day
i could see new year's eve but the 26th
in the history of people falling off the fucking wagon
who falls off on the 26th
what are you what are you crying about the fact you didn't get a fire engine
the day before for christmas
um
yeah fell off
i'm on 131 days
i'm very proud of myself
i uh
i i can definitely i was definitely in the moment
uh this is what happened
um first of all i had
i had the best christmas i've had since i was a little kid
and i still believed
that some fat stranger came down the chimney
all right
uh it was awesome
and i was actually like i had a lot of stress about it
because i was flying back
with my lady
and my lovely daughter
and i was thinking like
oh my all i've ever heard is people talking about
flying back
with an infant
it's a nightmare
everyone
you know
yeah you know by the end you're ready to get a divorce
and all this type of shit
i gotta tell you something
it was the fucking best christmas i've had
since i was like eight years old
when did i find out there was
jake and the fat man was bullshit
when did i find that out
uh first grade
i found out in first grade
because my older brother found out in third grade
and he quickly told me
and i remember i wasn't mad either
i actually felt like an adult
like oh wow man i'm in i'm in on the secret
right
so anyways
uh coming back with a kid
ended up being the greatest thing
ever
it just it takes all
the pressure off of you
and your relationship
you just come back like
hey we did it
huh
we got married
we reproduced
no more questions of when
when when
that's over
and then the best thing too
is you come home with the toddler
and all everybody wants to do
is interact with the kids
so nobody's asking you about
your life
nobody's giving you the third
what do you got going on
what are you doing next
what do you think about this
are you sure you're gonna do that
was that the right move
and next thing you know
you're fucking boozing it up
and you're all fucking depressed
um
or getting into arguments
or talking politics
or i don't know what
um
all of that was gone
and i
it was just great
i came in
everyone's like
how you doing
oh my god
look at your daughter
and then that was it
there was no
you know i got a lot of
social anxiety
like when i go to like
parties and that type of shit
i was always the guy
up on the wall
you know
if it's a bunch of guys
sitting around watching a game
then i'm in my element
but once it becomes like
this social thing
there's no game on
and uh
i i don't know
there's all this fucking weirdness
going on
adults are so fucking weird
you know
there's all this like
it's just like the playground
when you were a kid
but it becomes like adult shit
like uh
you know
i don't know
competing
you know
i don't know
how much you're making
dreams
if you're getting married
whatever the fuck
you're going through
it just becomes
it's all this
there's all these
storylines
that are going on
maybe that's why my wife
is always watching
those those reality shows
i guess because
all of that shit
that's just going on
you know what i mean
of just watching people
so caught up in bullshit
that you know
your neighbor
gets a better spatula
than you
and it like
affects your fucking mood
um
so anyway
so we went back there
and uh
just watching people
meeting my daughter
and her
like you know
her big thing now
she you know
she just waves at everybody
and uh
she can say hi now
although she
she's yet to say it
she looks in the mirror
and says me
and then she also says hi
and i've yet to see her
do either
either or
although this video
of her saying hi
um
anyways
everybody was you know
flip here
she she she killed it
she killed it
she was a little starlet
everybody absolutely
loved her
and um
her personality
is really coming out
and uh
i gotta tell you
what's really fucking crazy
is like
the more her personality
develops
like the more i love her
it's crazy
like every time you think
you hit the ceiling
like i could not love
this kid anymore
there's like another level
and uh
i always hated
when i didn't have a kid
and people were going like
you don't get it
you don't get it
it's like dude i get it
it's a kid
you know
i hate to say this
but uh
they were right
they were right
but having said that
i will never tell somebody
they don't get it
who doesn't have a kid
that's a douchey thing
to see
you know
you don't get it
you don't get it
yeah neither did you
all right
stop acting like you're smart
all right
there's 10 minutes
woo
20 more minutes to go
um
so uh
i don't know
just so many great things
uh
i got together
and jammed with a couple
of my brothers
we used to play
used to butcher
hair metal tunes
back in the 80s
into the early 90s
we had not
gotten together
and try
attempted to play music
in almost 24 years
and one of my brothers
uh rented this place
uh i gotta give him a shout out
it's in somerville
somerville
which was known as
slummerville
when i was a kid
now it's all hipstery
with like cupcakes
and fucking burger joints
and shit
um
it's like an upscale thing
right
and uh
this place is called
the jam spot
out in somerville
somerville lumba
that's all i remember
from out there
it was a
uh
the jam spot
was just a beautiful
clean place
rooms were awesome
all the equipment
was the shit
and the guy who worked
there was just
just a great guy
family man
actually got a kick
out of the fact
that uh
we were all
brothers gonna go
down there and play
and we hadn't been
playing together
in that fucking long
we went in there
and
woo
we butchered some songs
sounded alright though
um
and in the end
a couple more
of my relatives
came down
and liked doing
karaoke at the end
and they sang
and we actually
had the place
from 12 to 4
in the afternoon
i remember thinking
like two hours
is gonna be
more than enough
we know like
six songs
from almost
you know
a decade and a half
ago
we're gonna play
for about 20 minutes
then we're just
gonna be staring
at each other
and uh
that's actually
not what happened
it flew by
and uh
well we were
trying to work
on a couple
songs
uh
acdc
walk all over
you touch
too much
highway to hell
we always had
that one down
and uh
then one of my
brothers always
plays stevie
ray bonds
we played a
bunch of that
stuff
and uh
then a few
more relatives
showed up
next thing you
know we were
playing zeppelin
the ocean
and uh
it was
it was just
it was fucking
awesome
and then after
that that's when
we went out
and got a steak
and uh
one of my other
relatives hadn't
been drinking
since june
i haven't been
drinking since
august
we're like
we're gonna
do this
he's like
yeah let's
do it
fuck it
so he orders
a johnny
walker black
i'm like
come on man
we're going
off the wagon
after six
and four months
say we gotta
let's get
the blue
so we ordered
the blue
but it was
a steakhouse
so it was
around the
holidays
and they
were out
of it
so i
forget if
we got
the gold
or the
platinum
but it
and uh
and then
that was it
we called
in a night
and then
like two
hours later
i was back
in the hotel
room
i gotta be
honest with you
i felt like
shit
and i was
just like
wow i do
not miss
feeling like
this
um i don't
think i like
drinking anymore
and then
yesterday i went
to the airport
and of course
they uh
the american
airlines terminal
at logan
they have
the cisco
brewery
and i love
nantucket
and i love
cisco brewery
so i'm like
well i gotta
go in there
and get
a fucking
beer
so i had
the uh
whale's tail
pale ale
had that
nursed that
thing
that was
delicious
and then
i get on
the plane
i'm like
hey
why don't
have a
fucking
drink
oh no
no don't
do it
don't do
it
don't do
it
right
fortunately
uh
i avoided
that uh
and um
i think
what i'm
gonna do
is basically
um
i think
i'm just
gonna take
a few
days off
as far
as not
drinking
and then
just go
back on
the wagon
on january
2nd
i'm going
to the
rose bowl
i gotta
have a couple
of cocktails
when i'm
there but
i don't have
to drink
today i don't
have to
drink up
until the
rose bowl
and i think
that's just
how i'm gonna
booze rather
than trying to
go like a
whole fucking
year and
you know
so many
days or
whatever i
just think
i'm just
gonna pick
my spots
so being
at the
rose bowl
it's a
playoff
game
that's a
good time
or february
or march
i don't really
don't see any
event coming
up maybe a
super bowl
party i don't
know but i
think that's
the way i'm
gonna booze
and i'll keep
the weight
off
i won't be
a drunk
dad or
whatever
and i think
that's basically
the way i'm
gonna do it
but uh my
daughter actually
caught a cold
you know so
many people
were picking
up holding
her you know
it was that
time of year
i guess it
was inevitable
so we were
flying back
and i wa