Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-18
Uploaded: 2018-01-02T21:15:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-02. Transcript available. Bill rambles about the Rose Bowl, resolutions and Bill W.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-02. Transcript available. Bill rambles about the Rose Bowl, resolutions and Bill W.

the Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-18

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast for
monday january 1st
2018 oh my god it's a new year and with the new year comes hopes and dreams for
a better world
and god wants us to sit there and try to make it a better world well you should
probably start with
yourself friends have you seen those people late night trying to tell you how
to make it a better
world you know or somebody writes a song about it make it a better place for
you and for me and the
plumber down the street right it's very difficult the older you get to listen
to those songs going
like all right so not only are you not going to make the world a better place
you're going to write
some cheeseball fucking song and make money off the fact that people want to
make it a better place
you're going to give some fucking stupid pop culture psychology right pop
psychology is that what you're
going to throw i don't know what the fuck it is it's like after 9 11 when that
country guy wrote that
song you know uncle sam's gonna put a boot in your ass like how did he like
like that wasn't gonna be a
giant hit you know i don't know what i'm talking about all i could tell you is
i'm doing this monday
morning podcast on tuesday uh because i was like well what do i do do i do it
do i do it the night
before i go to the rose bowl and then by the time i tell you the rose bowl
stories it's like four days
old or do i just go to the rose bowl and do it a little late i decided on the
latter all right and i
apologize to any i don't know whatever fucking group you know what i'm hoping
in 2018 happens i just hope
that people start standing up to all of this fucking you know the amount of
people being offended
you know it's not that you get offended it's the level of coverage that it gets
compared to shit that really is way way way more devastating to our lives by
the way you know what
really was bugging me you know when there was all those hurricanes and
everybody everybody sending
fucking money out and all of that shit right you gotta help all these people in
houston gotta help
all these people in florida hey where the fuck were you guys when the hollywood
hills were on fire
huh i didn't see any fucking benefits
poor fucking uh what's his name ralph nader what's the fucking guy's name who
owns fox
whatever the fuck his name is when that poor bastard's mansion was catching on
fire
did any of you fucking people floating on a mattress in houston a few months
ago rub a couple of nickels
together and send it to him
make some teary-eyed videos that just kind of seems like it's a one-way street
here
the fuck is the fuck is the guy's name who owns fox
isn't it ralph it's one of those fucking names where he's like you know you
know chicks didn't take
him seriously in high school and then all of a sudden he owns like the biggest
network ever
and all those women are
i should have fucked ralph
why did i have to fuck the quarterback
baker man fucking mansfield whatever the fuck his name is the guy won the heisman
the hell's his name baker uh mayfield boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom
sorry that was my bad
curtis mayfield what a poor bastard that guy was huh he's fucking singing all
these great songs
he's doing a goddamn gig and literally the lighting falls down on him and
breaks his fucking neck
i mean how did he continue to write music
i don't know how the fuck it some people i don't know
i hate to say this i know this about myself if that ever fucking
happened to me i would just be yelling kill me to everybody who came walking
into the room
we're gonna start your rehab kill me kill me give me a fucking
something i'm not strong enough to get through this
um jesus this is dark
sorry whatever that's what happens when you just fucking start running your yap
all of a sudden
this happens okay so i'd like to apologize to all curtis mayfield fans
and anybody who stubbed their toe speaking of which i'm at the fucking i cooked
up a goddamn storm
this weekend i went out strong all right so the great jay lawhead rosebowl tailgate
legend
jason lawhead he fucking uh he goes to put together the menu right and he just
doesn't go we're doing
burgers we're doing dogs he just he doesn't do that horse shit jay fucking
analyzed like bill belichick
he fucking looks okay oklahoma's playing george is playing so next thing you
know he's like well in
oklahoma you know they do this tri-tip something or other so he gets that going
i tell him hey you want me to make a pie this year he goes yeah why don't you
make a peach pie for
georgia and he ties this whole fucking oklahoma georgia thing together it was
incredible
so i've never made a peach pie right and i know peaches are out of season
so i'm like well i'm not gonna go down there and buy some fucking out of season
peach that some poor
fucking bastard had to pick off of what used to be his own property down in
costa rica whatever the
fuck they do however they do the fruit nowadays
i fucking i said i said fuck it man i'm going down getting them canned peaches
i'm gonna get some goddamn canned peaches so i got some canned peaches
picked a fucking recipe off the internet this is what i found
with recipes on the internet okay they're gonna get it to you so it tastes
really good but they're not
gonna they're not gonna give you the recipe where it tastes great so what they're
gonna do is they're
gonna you know remember that guy i'm gonna bring it up a notch
bam and he'd be screaming and yelling he had that band
emerald lugasi right remember how he used to take it up a notch what they do on
the internet is every
fucking recipe they take it down a notch they take it down a notch and then
they remove something
they take something out some little special special spice so anytime you're
making a pie here's a
here's a little sage advice for you all right it's going to be the usual okay
if you're doing some
sort of fruit there you it's going to be basically a quarter cup of sugar i
mean quarter cup of flour
and like a cup of sugar and then there's going to be cinnamon nutmeg uh
possibly vanilla i don't know
some sort of and they're going to see an eighth of teaspoon of this a teaspoon
of that that
that all right they say eighth of a teaspoon take a nice helping of it with the
eighth of
the teaspoon that's what i do i bam throw that in there what do you want a
teaspoon
i'll give you a teaspoon and a quarter maybe a teaspoon and a half if i'm
feeling crazy
right you just kind of bring the levels up on everything then you think what
else would they have in
there you know they probably you know squeeze a little lime on the peaches you
know before they
fucking do all of this right maybe a little vanilla in there and then you
always got to throw like you
know a little bit of butter in there too mix all of that together then you
taste it you throw a little
more sugar on top you bring everything up that's what i did and uh i gotta tell
you man i got rave
reviews on a peach pie who knew who knew you know people you know if you don't
try to explore the
limits of your talents you'll never truly find out how great your life could be
um so i made a peach pie i made a practice one with nia and here was a deal i
didn't have a lot
of time so i actually went to the store and bought a store bought frozen pie on
the bottom sacrilegious
and then i made a homemade one for on top you know cut my work in half and then
there was just all this
weirdness where the one on the bottom was kind of dumb but the one on top wasn't
so i took it out
and uh you know nia took one bite of it and just goes does that and i knew she
was right but i also
got mad at her you know what i mean because i'm lazy i didn't want to go back
so i egg washed the
goddamn pie because i forgot to do that sprinkled some sugar on it threw it
back in then it was better
and i made a decent pie but then i brought all the levels up and the one that i
did to the rose bowl
crushed or maybe people would just be nice i don't know um i also made a quiche
lorraine
i've always wanted to make a quiche i mean who doesn't like eggs who doesn't
like pie i mean right
there you got both things going on this is breakfast and dessert all at the
same time
and uh i go to make this thing and of course knee is all over me looking at
this looking at that
looking at this i stick the quiche in there all right do the whole damn thing i
45 minutes in you
know i give it a little poke with the tongs it still looks jello-y as hell so i
leave it in for
another 10 minutes then it looks pretty much solid and i'm getting nervous that
i'm gonna burn it so i
take it out i let it cool off a couple of hours later i cut into it it looks a
little runny but
i'm too hungry so i don't give a shit so i'm eating it it's clearly needs to go
back in the
oven for 10 minutes but it's delicious so i get i go need to try this i think
it needs to be you know
i think it needs to go back in the oven maybe for 10 minutes and she just cuts
it and she goes
and then eats it and goes and i just went you know what you and she's like what
i'm just being
honest i'm like i know i know i just want but it still tastes good right she
goes yeah but it's
runny as needs to go back in the oven i'm like well you could have said it
tasted good first
and she stormed out of the room and then i was like oh come on honey come on
sorry sorry
i won't be like this in 2018. um so i put it back in the oven uh for like
another 10 minutes actually
nia did she finished the thing off and uh it tasted delicious and then before
the rose bowl
um the night before i'm thinking all right lawhead is going to be making
his classic uh breakfast sandwich which is basically a uh english muffin he
puts a little
havari cheese on one side and then he has this avocado spread he does on the
other side
then he cooks this egg to absolute perfection where it's not too runny it's not
over hard it's just
perfect not quite over me uh medium it's sort of like a medium rare so when you
bite into it
the egg yolk oozes out but it doesn't fall out of the sandwich and all of that
right and then also he
he had marinated this this tri-tip that he put on top of that and it was the
best
fucking eggs it was such a good egg sandwich i only had one because he goes you
want to have another
one it's like no i don't want to kill it you know what i mean and the night
before i had made
these hash browns you know the thing about it is is you don't want to make the
fucking things but you
also don't want the things to turn all brown and shit so i actually did the
whole mix and then put
it in a fucking ziploc bag and squished all the air out of it i possibly could
stuck it in the fridge
and it was fine i cooked those fuckers up on the side at that point i was a
little shit face i think
i overdid it that's right i was already drunk before breakfast even came out
all right
we had already loaded up the truck we put the game changer in there the game
changer who by the
way all right the game changer is a is a flat top griddle with four burners all
right and the propane
gas i'm telling you right that's what the fuck you want to bring to a cookout
that thing it's just you
never have to worry about your fire going out there's not like there's not all
this pressure there's none of
that shit you just turn that fucking thing on jace just like a short order cook
i've never the last
two years i've never seen him so relaxed at a cookout because before you know
we had a hibachi that's way
down here we had another one that was up on its legs this guy's going he's
doing like 400 squats an hour
trying to cook everything making sure his fire doesn't go out time and shit and
um and he cooks the whole
time it's not like he's cooking one thing he cooks a breakfast then he cooks
something in the middle
then he cooks the dinner so he was always having to add and coals and all that
i mean this is over the
course of like six hours um so the flat top grill that j law had dubbed the
game changer
um he w