Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 1-8-18
Uploaded: 2018-01-08T18:08:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-8-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 1-8-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-08. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 1-8-18

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast for
monday
uh january 8th 2018 that's a lot of aids dude i should go get a scratch ticket
and play nothing
but aids dude my number came in hit it for seven and a quarter we're gonna go
down to
what the are those casinos down there jesus christ i perform at him gonna go
down to mahegan sun dude
hit the blackjack table splitting aces kid whatever i'm playing with house
money
um how are you how was your first weekend of the year did you did you enjoy it
there's only 51 left
um or four left if you listen to people who are freaking out about global
warming
i mean you know i'm not saying that i it doesn't concern me but uh i just kind
of take it day to
day i look out the window right there's no zombies i can turn on the faucet
there's still water okay
all right you know you gotta look for the zombies first
i like the old zombies you know what i mean the ones that walked real slow you
had a
fucking chance as opposed to now they're like running around i'll roid it up
um roid it up that's right they're on the juice all these zombies need to be
tested they got to
get it out of the league all right all those kills that all those other zombies
have that's why like
zombies are killing so many people now you know what i mean of course you don't
you don't know
what the i'm talking about neither do i all right if you're new to my podcast
how are you get ready to
listen to some of the dumbest you're gonna hear for you know for like another
58 minutes i think
yeah good call minute 52 minute 52 into the podcast um
i'm gonna pat myself on the back that's the back of my head that's why it was
sounded like you know
um a wedding ring you know what sucks about wearing a wedding ring you got this
little piece
of metal on your hand you hit yourself you know it's like a constant fucking
why can't it's like
a painful reminder oh that's right i'm married you know fly goes onto your face
you whack yourself right
in the face you already slapped yourself in the face and then your wedding ring
like catches like
your brow you know like ah fuck and right after that happens your wife goes
honey could you
what i was just asking if you could do me a favor where did that come from i
did the smartest thing
tonight right me and my wife right my wife we had this you know every once in a
while you got
a clean house right and be like all right let's go where the kid can't hear us
let's just sit down
and we're going to talk about what we've been doing over the last whatever
month six months
decade depending on how long it's been since you've had those talks right
having a talk in in in a
relationship is like the end of your year when you have to do your taxes and
you didn't organize
anything and you got a year's worth of receipts all sticking out all over the
place and you just
keep putting it off and putting it off you know what i mean the next thing you
know the box is
fucking another box down the street right um so we try to air it out so we went
out all right got
some chicken wings and we just i think we were just going to go out to hang we
knew that we needed to
hang out like we got to hang out right the kids taking a lot of our us time we
need to go fucking
hang out so we go hang out and then just all this this came out all right and
one of the things that i was
doing is i was ruining television for her because i i i uh i don't shut up when
i watch tv
i imitate people i make fun of them and uh when the other person is in the room
and they want to watch the show evidently it's really annoying of course it's
annoying
so um and if she's watching reality tv like i never shut up because it's just i
mean i don't know
so i've been trying not you know if she's watching something that we both enjoy
like oh zach
you know or uh the black mirror oh they all got boston they got the r's in
there all the shows that we
like twilight zone all of that if we're watching like that i shut up all right
but if it's anything
else i don't shut the up so she's watching like reality shows so tonight she
was watching the golden
globes all right and i know right there i can't watch that show with her
because she's going to get
mad at me so i just wanted to watch seth's monologue i always watch the comic
because it's such a
it's such a crazy gig right to come out there you're doing all brand new and
like sitting right
in the front row like two feet away is oprah winfrey and you know samuel jackson
and will
defoe all these people are there it's like the whole move the whole everything
you're watching
at home on tv like television shows movies all of a sudden it turns around and
looks at you
while you you go out there with the new 10 minutes or whatever the hell it is
they do so um
i'm watching that seth is killing and i and i the first time i talked was at
some point when i saw
oprah was sitting there i leaned over go can you imagine doing your jokes and
oprah is like right there
she was like and and i was like oh all right and i just it's like i'm gonna
shut up um
and then the award show started and the smartest thing i did is i just i i
pretended i had to go do
something and i just sort of got up and i walked out so i wouldn't i wouldn't
do the rest of it i
wouldn't do the rest i wouldn't ruin the show for her and you guess what we're
not in a fight right
now it's unbelievable you know and she would just i just stayed in the kitchen
i made some waffles
i'm one of those breakfast for dinner kind of guys you know that's how i do it
that's my swagger
that's that's that's the marble man that i have in me
um i just realized the second i said that that's like some you say when you're
trying
to be interesting on a date or if you're too dumb to know you're not
interesting you would say something
first of all i want to thank everyone who's still listening to this the fact
that i said
i'm a breakfast for dinner kind of guy all right what i should have said was i
like having breakfast
for dinner sometimes but i said i'm a breakfast for dinner kind of guy once you
say kind of guy
you should be legally required to do the double fucking pistol shot with you
with your fingers
i'm that kind of guy bang bang side of fucking sausage um so i was out there
making waffles
and uh she yelled out she goes sammy one sammy one sam rockwell one so i you
know obviously love sam
and uh he did something that's really hard to do he had a great speech and um
and then you know i was watching a little bit more and i felt all these things
that i was going to
say so i just walked out i walked up before i said something stupid you know
if your tux is all black you're not a rapist welcome to the golden globes like
i would have
been doing like that
do you realize you could be an absolute monster okay but if you wore an all
black tuxedo like no
everyone would be looking at you like you were progressive that's why i you
know i understand
why it's done because it's a show of strength and everybody's like yes this is
obviously something that
you know needs to stop yada yada yada and a bunch of other obvious but um it
also creates this thing where
you could just walk in and no one's gonna with you because you're wearing the
right uniform that's why
i don't like all of that political correctness stuff is because you create a
road map
for for people to just get across the river because they know what to say what
not to say when they're
in public and everybody's like oh he said native american he said blah blah
blah blah obviously and
he has an all-black tuxedo he must be a good person all right now all of this
is just that
no one wants to hear when they're trying to watch so i ran in i saw sam rockwell
when i heard carol
burnett was there i ran and i saw that and when i heard roseanne barr and john
goodman were on i i ran
in and i watched that you know and uh what i don't know i saw something else i
saw jennifer aniston
oh she was there with uh uh uh carol burnett how great does she look i'm
telling you man she does
not age at all her and howie long i said the exact same that's kind of weird
right i said the exact
same thing when i saw howie long today when i was watching the playoffs like if
he looks unbelievable
guy just doesn't he has not lost one hair on top of his head
i haven't been able to have that haircut since i was like 15.
um anyways uh i watch so much goddamn sports this weekend right i did do a
little duolingo trying
to get back into the hole trying to i have to become bilingual and i have to
learn how to speak
french because that's such a snooty language and i'm such a dope how hilarious
would it be
that's what keeps me going all right not respect for the culture not trying to
improve myself just
how funny it would be if i was completely fluent in french and like really good
at it i could speak
the slang but the i wouldn't have an accent you know let me just think of how
much dumb i've said
right now and all of a sudden out of nowhere i could just start speaking
perfect i could go to paris
and no one would turn their nose up at me oh the opportunity i'm telling you i
want to do that
because i want to go there and i want to act like a moron i mean i didn't have
to act i'm just i'd
ramp it up you know and then just listen to hear what they would say and i
would just i would 10 days
of just laughing my balls off and then ruining it for all you guys who go over
there if you're from here
um anyways so i uh i had the peach bowl taped recorded saved in digital space
whatever the
you kids say and i was meaning to watch it because i came home from the rose
bowl
and i saw i was like holy shit central florida one so uh i actually put it on
in my wife was six this
weekend you know everybody got the bug everybody got the stomach flu i haven't
got it yet okay i take
these little chewables all right and i i i i take a men's uh what the fuck do
you call it a men's uh
vitamin what do they call those things men's daily or some i never take them i
take them when i start
to feel sick and i knew everybody was getting sick around me so i just started
fucking
just chowing those things down right and i've been able to hold it off and last
night i actually uh
slept in a different room you know what i mean i love my wife but you know i'm
not gonna start
puking and you know what i mean unnecessarily i wouldn't put her through that
right
i mean jesus christ for better for worse and then there's like common sense
um and my wife's cool as hell so she was just like yeah get out of here get out
of here so uh
i left you know what's weird is if
when you ever just like when i sleep in a different room i sleep on the
opposite side of the bed so when i
wake up and i get a sense that the edge of the bed is on the wrong side and i'm
not on the road
you know it freaks me out like where the am i did i get arrested for a murder i
didn't commit
and then i open my eyes i'm like oh no i'm just sleeping in a different room in
my own house that's
cool um so anyways i watched the peach bowl and i watched central florida man
what a game
what a game man central florida huh i have this is long overdue congrats in
that i hope you say his
name is shaqueen uh griffin the linebacker on the team the guy's got one hand
he's got one hand and
he was dominating dominating auburn who i swear to god half of their guys
looked like they had like
40 pounds on whoever they were lining up against and i love auburn i love auburn
i love watching them beat
alabama you know i love seeing that it's just fun it's fun to see you know
because alabama's supposed
to win so auburn was supposed to win that one so i mean how do you not root for
central florida central
florida it i went to their campus right did i go to the central florida i don't
think i did i went to
the other one where the game was at the war and the four the one that's in orlando
i went to that one
and i just went in and i looked at the campus and i was like yeah i i could
have got accepted here
i cou