Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-1-18
Uploaded: 2018-02-02T18:43:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-1-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-1-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-02. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-1-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
I'm sorry. How are you? How's your week going? I hope it's going wonderful. I
hope you're enjoying yourselves.
I'm actually having a great week. I just did two nights at the Irvine Improv
that I had not been to in fucking years.
You're probably like, why, Bill? Why haven't you been, why haven't you done the
Irvine Improv in so many fucking years?
Why is it? I mean, it's a mere fucking 15, 20 miles away from Hollywood where
you live, you big fucking phony.
What happened, huh? Why didn't you go? Were you too busy getting fucking
sexually harassed, you know, so you didn't drive down there?
No, that's not. That's a good guess. That would be a good guess with with all
the stories out there.
I was not sexually harassed. I wanted it. No, I didn't go down there because
the fucking traffic.
The goddamn motherfucking traffic on the way down there, it's like a fucking
two hour drive.
To go like fucking 15, 20 miles. It's like a two hour drive. And then when you
go back, you think, well, at least now it's like around midnight.
There's going to be no fucking traffic. But then that's when they work on the
fucking road and they get it all the way down to one lane and actually take
everybody on the highway off of the fucking highway.
And at that point, you can kind of go fuck yourselves. Maybe they put a couple
of signs up and it just became like this, this eight hour gig that was like
fucking like, I just, I don't know.
I've just, I don't know how many fucking miles I've driven in my career, but
that, that was the gig that broke me.
I was just like, I can't fucking do this anymore. All right. So anyways, I
start my year on the road this weekend coming up tomorrow.
Actually, I'm going to be in Reno. So old Billy's got to shake the rust off.
All right.
Oh, Billy, dad pants. Oh, Billy around the house.
It's got to fucking remember how to do standup that I just shut my recorder off,
just slammed down on the ground.
Yeah. So I need to do a couple of tune up shows. So I went down there and I was
like, wait a minute.
I've gotten my pilot's license since the last time I did the Irvine improv.
I'll rent a fucking R22 fly down with an instructor and I'll go up and over.
You know, fly over all of that shit. This is what a cunt I am.
So I go over there.
I, we start flying down with my instructor and all I'm praying for is bumper to
bumper traffic.
All I want to see is red fucking brake lights, not moving the whole way down.
So we go to take off. There's a full moon in the sky, beautiful sunset over the
fucking water.
I mean, it's beautiful.
I get in the fucking air and I'm looking down.
The traffic's not moving that bad.
I'm like, what the fuck, right?
Go right over downtown LA, Florida, Burbank.
We got down there from startup to shutdown.
We got there in like 32 minutes.
It was incredible.
Jumped in a cab, quick little five minute ride from John Wayne or whatever, 10
minute ride over.
No traffic.
I got there. I was in the best mood.
Since I'd been there, they moved to like a new location in that fucking
gigantic mall.
It's got like a, it's the mall so big it has a Ferris wheel.
Okay.
Now I'm not trying to step on any toes out there in Minnesota.
All right.
I know you got it.
You got a fucking roller coaster in yours, but this is like the biggest one
that I've seen.
Or be honest with you that I want to see.
It's like a little city.
You know, like one night, the second night we were there, the cab driver
dropped us off.
And then we realized that even though we were at the mall that the improv was
in,
we were still like a half a mile away from where the fucking thing was.
So we had to get back in the cab.
Hey, I'm telling you it was huge.
Okay.
So, and then we go, you know, do two shows.
The show ends, get back in the helicopter.
You know, it was a little, you know, I haven't done a lot of night flights.
So flying down was a little weird because of all the lights and everything.
But on the way back, you're going to see the lights of downtown LA.
So just point right at that and came back, went Kowanga Pass and right back in.
It was just, it was fucking great.
Came home, woke up the next day, felt great, was excited about going down there
again.
All right.
Obviously, you know that if I'm telling all these fucking, the story in this
detail, that something ended up happening.
Right.
So next night, same fucking thing.
I get down there.
I'm all excited.
Right.
We get in the helicopter, same thing, full moon again, another great sunset.
And this time, what I wanted to see bumper to bumper, horrific fucking traffic.
And I loved it.
I had no sympathy for my fellow man.
What I want.
I was selfish in that moment.
I wanted what I want.
I wanted to be like, yes, that's why I did it.
And I needed all of these other people to suffer for me to feel good about the
decision that I made.
Right.
Well, we all know what happens when you do shit like that.
When you treat your fellow man like a fucking extra in the movie of your own
life.
Guess what happened?
I had two wonderful fucking shows.
And I get off stage and my instructor goes, you're not going to believe this.
The airport is closed.
I go, what do you mean it's closed?
He goes, I looked at the no TAMs, which are noticed to all airmen.
And it said that they were working on, you know, the fucking lights, the runway
lights and all that shit at the airport.
But we were thinking, hey, we're a fucking helicopter.
We do whatever we want.
Right.
Not the case.
They're working on lights.
So they shut the fucking thing down.
So now we can't fly back.
And I'm like, how the fuck am I going to get home?
The instructor has to get a hotel room because he's got to fly the helicopter
back because it's booked to be used on instruction the next day.
So we make sure he gets a fucking room.
And then I end up riding back with Josh Adam Myers.
So I'm in the car.
He's got a friend there.
So now there's three of us.
And it's basically his two seater.
You know.
His friend in the back kind of had to kind of sit sideways.
Right.
So we're driving and I'm like, ah, Jesus Christ.
And I laughed.
I'm like, but whatever.
You know, it's late at fucking night.
We'll cruise home.
We'll listen to some tunes or whatever.
We start doing that.
And we get about three miles into the gig.
And the fucking all I see is brake lights.
And I'm like, oh, no.
Not not the shutdown of the highway.
And that's exactly what it was.
It was a shutdown of the highway down to two lanes.
And I'm thinking, OK, maybe maybe we'll just drive around some trucks down to
one lane.
OK, OK.
Maybe they're just working on three lanes to the fucking off ramp.
They send an entire highway of people off the fucking off ramp.
Passed like a fucking Carl's Jr.
And then go fuck yourself.
So now we're fucking ways.
Everybody's on ways trying to fucking figure out how to get there.
How to get back to the highway when you can get back on it.
We finally see where we can take a left hand turn.
And we get to the intersection.
And there's like six police cars and a fucking SUV that slammed into a tree.
So obviously there was some sort of car chase there.
So we can't make a left.
Is there a fucking reason why the fire department and the fucking police just
have to park in the most douchiest fucking way?
So there's no possible way.
I know you don't want to get hit.
Jesus Christ.
Can you can you just give us an avenue?
No, go fuck.
I'm sure that's because when they did some fucking asshole hit somebody and
they got killed.
But I'm being a selfish cunt again.
So anyways, I'm telling you is my karma.
I paid for it and I didn't get home until fucking like I think 210 in the
morning, you know, my beautiful daughter gets up at about, oh, I don't know, 620,
630 in the morning.
So right now I feel like I'm drunk.
However, having said that, this month was one of the great months.
This past month, I should say, was one of the great months of my life because
for the simple fact, after 20 years of doing the road, I was not on the road.
And I got to spend all this time with my family, you know, just doing dad and
husband shit, which I got to admit is pretty awesome.
I remember I used to go to the mall and I would look at people, you know,
pushing their kids around and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And like I knew having a kid was awesome, but I used to always look at them
like, oh, my God, look at them.
They're trapped.
They can't get out.
It was like claustrophobic to me.
And now that I'm in that situation, I got to admit, I love going to the mall.
I really fucking enjoy it.
You know, my daughter's hilarious.
We just push her around the stroller and she waves to everybody, you know,
going, hi, hi, you know.
Come on, man.
A baby waves at you.
It says hi.
It's like putting smiles on grumpy people's faces.
It was tremendous.
And I got a bunch of hours flying the helicopter.
You know, I wanted to get up to 150 hours, which I did last night.
I don't know what I got because I wasn't able to look at the Hobbes meter.
Because we didn't fly back.
So I think I got a 0.5 and I was at 149.9.
So I know I'm over.
So I got 150.
So my goal is this year, I want to get 12 hours a month.
So by the end of the year, I have roughly about 300 hours.
And, you know, I don't know, whatever.
I get into shit.
So having said that, all right, it was still incredible experience.
And it's a good story, you know, that the fucking, you know, and I also learned
something.
You know, when they shut down the lights, just because we don't have to use the
fucking runway, you still can't fly out.
I learned that.
What else?
Oh, and on Monday, this is the Make-A-Wish week that I'm having.
Monday, I went with Dave, my drum teacher.
I went to Meshuggah, who I'd never seen live.
And I got to tell you, it was a fucking life-altering experience.
I can't remember the last time I saw a fucking band that blew my mind like that.
They are a heavy metal band, not heavy metal, a metal band from Sweden, who I've
always heard of.
And I always tried to get into it, but the combination of the singer, that
singing like that, I'm already an angry enough guy.
I'm like, Jesus Christ, am I really going to have this on my fucking hard drive?
And then, like, the music was so complex, I didn't know what was going on.
I didn't like so many of the songs, like the drummer's basically playing like a
polyrhythm.
It's like his body's playing two different songs.
I mean, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but as far as I could
tell, it seemed like on top, he would be playing in like four.
And then his feet are just, I don't know what, they're playing like a
completely different song.
And then the band is playing the rhythm to his feet.
But the crowd is nodding to what the fuck he's doing with his hands.
So everybody's grooving with this shit.
I don't know.
Do you want to check out a fucking unbelievable song?
They got this song, Bleed.
And on top, he's playing like eighth notes with the backbeat on three.
So everybody's head is moving to that, like, I can't even do it.
Right.
But underneath his feet are going like, the whole fucking song, basically.
Because on top, he's like, underneath.
It's like you're going insane.
You know, like, I always, like, if you ever heard voices, like, I think that's
the music version of that song.
Like, up top would be somebody talking to you, going like, hey, you want to go
to the mall, maybe?
You know, I heard they open a new fucking Starbucks, blah, blah, blah.
And underneath these demons going.
It's like a seven-minute song.
I've never fucking seen.
And they played it live.
And just, it sounded as good as what they played on the record.
And then the whole fucking night, you never saw their faces.
It was just these fucking strobe lights going at you.
In the, in, you know, lined up with the bass drum.
So everybody's fucking nodding to the 