Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 2-12-18
Uploaded: 2018-02-12T18:19:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-12-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 2-12-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-12. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 2-12-18

All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday
Morning Podcast for Monday, September, no, February 12th.
There's a fucking comedian. I don't even know where the fuck I am. February 12th,
2018. What's going on? How are you?
Usually, usually I do these by myself. Usually I'm just sitting alone, but it's
like, you know what? Fuck this.
My buddy called me up. He's got a podcast he wants to promote, and he's a
fucking Eagles fan, so I figured, why not?
I got to go on, because for some reason, people think I actually fucking hate
Philly just because I got booed there.
Because of that video.
Yeah, and it's just like, no, I got booed in Philly. If you got booed in Texas,
what do you do?
You make fun of fucking pickup trucks, chicks with too much makeup?
All of it. You just make fun of Texas in general. I think everyone just goes to
Texas. My go-to state is Kentucky.
I like Texas. Well, it's Kevin Shea, everybody.
From the Kevin Shea podcast.
It's the All I'm Saying podcast.
All I'm Saying.
Let me ask you. That's easy, right?
To remember.
Do you know every host fucks it up?
And it also kind of gets you off the hook of whatever you just said.
Exactly.
All I'm Saying.
All I'm Saying.
Is there's too many people.
I didn't mean to specifically pick out that group like they needed to go, but
there's too many fucking people.
Every host fucks it up, though.
It's kind of funny because they go, what's your intro?
I go, All I'm Saying podcast.
All I'm Saying.
All I'm Saying.
I said, you can write it down.
Easy.
They ask two more times before they go on stage.
And they go, all I'm talking about.
What you doing?
How's it going?
And so we.
No, you didn't.
They're getting all sassy.
Yes.
And we always bet.
And all I'm Saying isn't really, that's pretty mainstream vernacular.
You know, I thought it was, fucking getting a title is hard.
Like, you have the best title ever.
It's just money.
Do I?
Yeah, it's simple.
It's so simple.
That's why I did it.
Is that why you did it?
So I remember when it would come out.
That's funny.
And then people go, well, you should do one every day of the week.
It's like, well, then it's not the Monday.
You got the Thursday.
So I do the Thursday, but Thursday, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
I love when people just, they go fucking all out.
Yeah.
Like, you show up at some of these comic studios, you feel like you're doing
Howard Stern.
You know what?
You want to be like, dude, you could really keep your overhead way.
Look, I'm not talking about guys like Rogan.
Like, Rogan will have, like, you know, fucking super, super famous people.
I'm just talking just like.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
If it's a jerk off like me and I'm having you over.
The only reason why you're not in my house right now is because my daughter's
sleeping.
I figured that.
I figured because your daughter's sleeping.
Yeah.
And then I didn't, I didn't know you moved.
Like when you texted me the address to the studio.
I know.
But when you text me.
I didn't mean me.
Oh, you mean this studio.
No, you, you, when you texted me, I was like, why would he move to Burbank?
I was like, that was my, I was like, Bill, I was like, you're doing well.
You got, you got more bang for, get more bang for my buck out here.
I was just like, why would you move to Burbank?
I like the valley.
I like the valley.
You know, you're getting better, better conversations out here.
You know what I mean?
You meet some guy who did something on mash way back in the day, bunch of Trump
supporters,
you know, the Hillary stuff gets old man in Hollywood.
It's like, I get it.
I get it.
You know what I mean?
I want to hear, I want to hear somebody actually think something good's going
on.
I love it.
I'm fucking, he's making it better every day.
My burrito takes better.
Taco tastes better.
I don't, I don't really talk to a lot of people.
You know that about me.
Well, then why did you come down here?
Well, for you, it's different.
Just because your team just won the Super Bowl, the E-A-G-L-E-S.
By the way, I'm a fucking huge Eagles fan, but I hate that fucking song.
The fight song?
Oh, how does it go?
I don't know.
Fly Eagles.
Oh, it has to be old, right?
It's not.
It's fucking not.
I did a whole research.
I thought it was from like 1920 or 1850.
Because it's not, Fly Eagles Fly, when I see that, sounds like it was written
the same
week of, for he's a jolly good fellow.
Back when that wasn't corny to say.
It's weird because it's supposed to sound, oh, it's got the boom, boom, boom,
like the
drums up front and it goes, hit him high, hit him low.
So I looked it up.
Razumetez, 23 skiddy.
It's like from 1985 or something like.
I mean, that is like 30 years ago, 32 years ago.
Ah, fuck.
I guess you're right.
Put it this way.
If you were in 1985 right now and that song was 32 years old, it would have
been written
in 1953.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
But I got to be honest with you.
Hit him high, hit him low is very like, still like, that sounds like it's
written in the
40s.
It sounds very college.
No, not even college, like high school.
I would say college.
You would say college?
Don't be too high.
No, no.
I love this song.
Here's the thing.
It's one of those songs where I love it, but I acknowledge it's corny.
Oh, okay.
Do you know what I mean?
It's cheesy, but I love it.
Is it fly?
Eagles fly up, up to the sky.
Is that like a disco remake?
I'm like getting uncomfortable.
You sing it at me.
Dude, I'll fucking sing this whole podcast.
Do you know the podcast?
But he's a jolly good fellow.
I'm so uncomfortable.
The Eagles won the fucking Super Bowl.
Do you remember when we were going to Brea?
It was like years ago.
I block all of those gigs out.
I fucking hate those drives.
You hate those fucking drives?
No, I swear to God, dude.
I almost like was ready to fucking just leave L.A. yesterday.
No way.
I did.
I did.
Dude, it was like fucking Saturday.
It was a Saturday afternoon.
And I was like in rush hour traffic.
And you want to get mad, but you're going to be like, well, I'm also out here.
And they're all just fucking nobody is fucking talking about doing something
about this population problem.
And I'll tell you one thing we have to get a problem of is touching the desk
and hitting this.
This is going to be annoying in this.
We have a new podcast studio here.
Oh, shit.
Did you?
Are we doing that?
No, I just I've been hearing it.
So we're going to have to put some sort of padding here.
I don't know what.
But anyways, I like nature, right?
I enjoy like watching animals and that type of shit.
But I always have my I never take the remote out of my hand when I watch a
nature show, because right when they start talking about what's going on with
them and how they're all going to die off because of us.
I shut it off.
Well, my daughter always, you know, takes the remote and it's amazing.
My fucking remote sucks.
I can literally be pointing at the TV like change, change, change.
What the fuck?
I won't do anything.
My daughter picks it up and is like walking away with it and will somehow turn
on the fucking DVD player.
I still have one of those.
Is it digital?
The remote is the remote all digital with like no.
I have direct TV and I love direct TV, but their remote sucks.
You look at it, you have to fucking reboot the thing.
It's like it's like it was in an abusive relationship and it's oversensitive.
I feel like it was recycled.
Like some racist had it before me was constantly throwing it at the TV.
It's funny.
And then they just like, you know, like all our old phones that you watched a
bunch of porn on.
Oh, I know over there in like Thailand or the Philippines.
Do you know, I do.
Do you have a I have a laptop that I use just for porn.
Oh, yeah.
I just thought I'd throw that in there.
I'm very specific.
What is it, jizz proof or something?
No, it's just it's just the hard drive.
So made out of latex.
It's just so old and shot.
So I don't give a fuck if it gets diseases.
All right.
So I'm like, I don't care.
It stays separate, but it's old.
It's big.
It's old.
You know what that reminds me of?
You ever see these people that get like foster kids and they feed their their
real kids and
they just take the checks for the foster kids?
God damn.
The kid will look like he's fucking eight years old and really bony.
And you'll be like, how old are you?
And he's like, 26.
I didn't know that was a thing.
It is a thing.
Feed him like fucking paste and shit.
But here's what's confusing.
When I was younger, I'm adopted.
I never.
Doesn't surprise me.
You're irritated.
I don't know the difference.
I didn't know the difference between foster and adopted.
Oh, so you thought there was like foster a kid means you just take them for a
little
while, right?
Yeah, but they were always like abused and I was never abused and I couldn't
rack my brain
as a kid.
I called my parents mom and dad, but then my friends down the street who were a
family,
but they were divorced with kids, called them by their fucking names.
Well, it's right there.
That's why they got a divorce.
They were never committed.
They weren't committed to each other.
They weren't committed to having the kids.
But it's weird.
Like when they would call their mom by their first name.
Well, my, well, my daughter learns how to speak.
I'm going to be like, this is Mr. Shea.
She's not going to call you Kevin.
I don't like that.
I don't like it either.
I fucking can't stand when people do like my buddies will talk to their other
parents
and they say, Hey, John, Paul, it's weird.
It would help if we kind of dress like adults though.
What are you talking about?
I mean, you got a hat.
I comb my hair.
You got a hat.
There you go.
You're an adult.
There you go.
It's not, you don't have a sports logo.
No, but back in the day, like, you know, people used to fucking like, if you
want, I was,
I tape recorded all, like they had all the NFL films, Super Bowls in a row on
NFL films.
And I taped all 51 of them and I'm just working my way through them.
I love them.
I can't get enough.
They're awesome.
They're awesome.
So I was watching them.
And first of all, like the first, like 11 Super Bowls were played in like the
afternoon.
I know.
They played at like Rice Stadium or Tulane.
You know what I mean?
And there was just like, like, like a fucking college band.
Like one of them, like the Michigan marching band.
That's so funny.
Went out there and played.
Didn't, didn't, uh, the Niners play.
I thought you were scatting horn.
Did it, did it, did it, did it, did it.
I thought you were going to start doing a band or something.
Did it, um, like now I'm out, now I'm doing my fucking head.
Okay.
Didn't, um.
Did it, did it, did it.
The Niners.
They played in, uh, Golden Gate Park.
Remember for one of the championships?
Uh, probably an NFL championship, but you guys sucked back then.
So I don't know.
I think you had like one good year in the forties or fifties.
It was one, it was one in the fifties and then 1960 was the last one.
And we used to, we always get into this discussion about, uh, like you think it
matters.
What?
The NFL championship.
NFL titles should count.
They do count, but they're not Super Bowls.
And you know, I don't get that.
I, you know, there was no other league.
I, I get it.
I get it.
But now there is another league.
There's two.
No, there's still, there was, there was still a fucking, no, you don't
understand.
The AFL started in 1960 before then there was, there was only the, no, there
was the NFL.
And then the AFL came in.
I'll give you a little history.
The first year of the AFL.
Okay.
All the NFL owners laughed.
Bah ha ha ha.
Look at these fucking morons wasting their money.
But while they laughed at them, they didn't, they made two moves to fuck over
the AFL.
The first thing they did was, um, I think that the team with the most amount of
money was, was the, was the Dallas Texans.
They were red and white, right?
They later became the Kansas city chief.
So what the NFL did was immediately or, uh, uh,