Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-8-18
Uploaded: 2018-03-09T17:31:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-8-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-8-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-09. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-8-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
How is your week going? Is it going well? I am in gloomy, rainy Vancouver,
British Columbia, home of the BC Lions, the Vancouver Canucks, and the fucking
Westminster Dog Show.
I don't know, there's some place out here, Westminster, and I learned today
that they do have a big dog show up here, but I don't think they are one and
the same.
I can't remember if Westminster takes place in Beverly Hills or in New York
City, but all I know is that you have to be a particular level white person to
be invited.
I learned that because I thought I was white enough, you know, and they were
like, oh, no, you are not.
And my dream of attending it was over.
I just think it's funny.
I like dogs, and then it's just funny when they get them, like, you know, all
shampooed up and they're prancing around, you know, and I don't know.
There's always, like, that thought of what if the owner falls?
It just adds to the tension, you know?
Anyways, I'm up here in Vancouver.
I'm having a great time.
This past weekend, I went to a wedding.
Awesome wedding.
Tremendous wedding.
Two people that should be getting married.
They totally had the connection.
Is there anything worse?
Unless you're just really into Scheidenfreude.
When you go to a wedding and you just see two people and you're like, this
fucking thing is not going to last the weekend.
I've been to two of those.
And one of them, the marriage lasted two years, maybe, and then the other one,
as far as I know, they're still together.
The first weird wedding that I went to, I think the bride was having second
thoughts because the groom was standing up there forever.
And then she just sort of walked down the hall, walked on down the hall, right,
walked down the aisle with their dad.
And did not have that look that, you know, somebody usually has on their
wedding day.
And then when she went up to the altar, the whole time they were doing the vows,
she was laughing uncontrollably.
Which, you know, sometimes is just a form of nervousness.
But they didn't even kiss.
And as they walked out, they went ahead and kissed.
But as far as I know, they're still together.
And then another one was someone I was in business with when I first got into
New York City.
And I went to this person's wedding.
And I remember we went out there.
And the mother-in-law, we got there like it was traffic.
And we got there right before the wedding was going to start.
It was in the backyard of these rich people's estate, right?
This guy married into money.
And he wasn't rich.
So I think they didn't like him.
So she was, we pulled up, she was outside walking the dog, dressed the way you
would walk a dog.
Like she wasn't really even ready.
It was like sort of this nonverbal protest of what was going on in there.
And that seemed weird.
I was like, well, you know, the in-laws usually never like the fucking person
their daughter's marrying.
They never think that he's good enough, right?
So it didn't really, you know, it wasn't much of a red flag.
But then I just remembered when the groom, afterward, they got married, he went
to give a toast as to why he loved his wife.
And it was fucking brutal.
He was like, she, because she gave some big toast to him.
And so then he goes, okay, and to you, my lovely wife, you, you, you, you make
me laugh.
We're in the background like, light of your life.
Reason you get up in the morning, like trying to help him out.
It was one of those things where everyone was smiling like this is going to be
great.
And then it just became like everyone just sort of looking down going, dude,
wrap it up.
Wrap it up.
Wrap it up.
And that one lasted like two years.
And it was such a fucked up marriage.
I remember him telling me that they just had this big fight and they were both
kind of exhausted.
And one of them was just kind of like, what are we doing?
And the other one was just like, yeah, do you like not want to do this anymore?
And the other one was like, no.
And then the other one was like, really?
Because I don't either.
And then they started laughing like a bad fucking movie.
And they had a really amicable divorce.
And I think he was cool.
He didn't try to take any of her fucking money.
And they just went their separate ways.
I haven't said that.
This wedding that I went to, I always have that in the back of my head.
Because as much as I like to do stand-up, I don't literally like to be living
in a bit when I'm at a wedding.
You know?
I don't know.
I just saw them interacting right before the wedding.
And, you know, it's super stressful if you've ever gotten married.
And they just seemed chill and relaxed.
So I was like, oh, good.
Good.
But what was funny about this wedding was there was also another bald ginger at
the wedding with a red beard.
Like my doppelganger.
And I went there.
And I had a drink.
And then I had another drink.
And then I was just like, yeah, you know, that's good.
I'm going to stop there.
And I started drinking water.
Now, on the other hand, the other guy was acting like me last year.
Well, before I took four months off of drinking.
And this fucking guy got fucking loaded, right?
So I saw he was kind of swaying in the breeze.
And I'm like, oh, you know, been there.
I'm not going to judge.
He's having a good time.
Whatever, right?
So the fucking guy, next thing I know, I'm looking outside.
And this guy, like, this wedding was so perfect.
It was in this really cool restaurant and slash bar.
And so up front was the bar.
And they had these ceiling-to-floor windows.
And the evil version of me at some point staggered outside.
And I just felt everybody, and they looked, and he just fucking puked in the
street in front of like a third of the wedding was up at the bar, like a giant
puddle of fucking puke.
So all his friends rush outside in their fucking suits to help him out.
And so he brought a chair out.
So they sit the guy down.
And I'm not laughing at the guy.
I'm just laughing because I've been there.
I mean, not at a fucking, not having a whole wedding that I was just at looking
at me.
But, you know, we've all had our moments.
I remember one time I was somewhere down the Cape.
Fucking Cape Cod, Joe.
Best fucking potato chips.
I somehow passed out on a bluff that was headed down towards the ocean.
I was just, like, in the middle of the day.
And I forget where my buddy was.
He was the one driving.
He was somewhere else.
It came up, something happened with the car.
And we were just passed out on, like, the fucking, this, it was a bluff.
Right?
I just like saying that word.
I've never used it properly.
And all of a sudden I was laying there.
The sun felt good and everything.
I was passed out.
And, like, it felt like a day later.
All of a sudden I just hear.
And out there, that is where the Nina, the Pinta, and the Pinta, and the Santa
Maria came in back in 14 fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And then I hear this little kid's voice go, Mommy, why is that guy sleeping
there?
And there was, like, some sort of fucking tour going on.
And I vaguely remember changing a tire and I didn't put the jack underneath the
frame and it went, like, right through the floorboard.
So, there you go.
All right.
I'm not judging this guy.
But it was funny as fucking hell.
So, this fucking guy fucking just, you know, Great Lakes, yak, you know, puke
all over the street.
So, somebody brings a chair out and they sit him down.
And he's sitting there hanging his head.
Like, you know, Jordan was sitting when he had the flu and they put the towel
over his head.
He was sitting like that, minus the towel over his head.
So, then they start calling, like, an Uber or Lyft.
And these cars keep pulling up.
And they pull up to this bald dude with a red beard sitting with his head
hanging down in a giant puddle of puke.
And everybody would just pull up and be like, yeah, this fucking guy's not
getting my car.
They would drive away.
And it just became this thing, like, dude, you got to move him down the street.
You got to get him away from the puke.
And, anyway, somebody finally came along and took him home.
But he was definitely the highlight of the evening.
So, I don't know who that guy was.
But I want to thank him for the free entertainment.
So, anyways, let's get back on track here.
I'm up here in Vancouver.
And, as I mentioned before, I don't know if I mentioned, I was talking to a
number of people up here.
That listen to this podcast that fly helicopters.
And one of them had access to the Cabri G2.
I hope I'm saying that right.
Cabri or is it Cabri?
I think it's Cabri G2.
Which is basically like the Robinson R-22 that I fly.
But it has, you know, any safety issues that the Robinson may or may not have,
you know.
It does have.
I'm just not trying to shit on it because I fly it all the time.
And I do like that helicopter.
These people took it to the next level.
It's like the next iPhone.
Except it didn't try to, like, you know, capture your fucking face.
It was new and improved.
So, I wanted to try this thing out.
And these people had access to it.
So, I was going to rent a car today and drive about an hour outside of
Vancouver.
But then I got a text from the guy I was going to fly with.
I said, hey, there's a guy here.
He's a big fan of yours.
He's got a fucking, he's got a 66.
He'll pick you up right at the heliport downtown.
I was like, fuck it.
Let's do it.
So, I show up.
This dude named Chris.
I want to thank him.
Great guy.
Picked me up.
Flew me all the way out there.
And I was telling him, he goes, so how did you get into wanting to fly the Cabri
G2?
And I was like, well, you know, I read all about, you know, the low G, you know,
situations, the mass bumping.
I got a little freaked out.
Vietnam helicopter pilots.
I just kind of feel like it's a bit of a safety issue.
And they just sort of taught pilots how to fly out of it rather than fix it.
But what the fuck do I know?
I only have 160 hours, right?
But that was just my gut feeling.
So, I want to check this thing out and see what the deal is with this thing.
So, we land at the airport.
And as we land, one of those Cabri G2s is coming in.
And I immediately loved it.
I loved the shape of it.
And when it landed, seeing this little two-seater with the fully articulated
main rotor system was like, I mean, that's been the dream.
You know, because with the R22, you've got to lead with your collective.
With those things, you can just push the stick forward.
Which, it's still whenever I fly something like that.
When the guy just goes, okay, nose it forward.
I always have to make the joke that, you know, I usually don't hear that, you
know, flying a Robinson.
So, anyways.
The thing lands.
And as it lands, I see this guy getting out who looks just like the dude that I
saw in the YouTube video.
I was like, that the guy who uploaded the video that did the whole thing from
nose to tail review of it?
And he goes, yeah, that's him.
And it was so surreal because I didn't know I was going to meet this guy.
It was like literally the guy that was the reason that I wanted to fly it.
I end up not only going to his place, I end up getting to fly with him.
It's BC Helicopters.
And the guy's name is Misha Gelb.
And he was an incredible pilot.
He did an auto rotation at the end that was just, was unreal.
For those of you who fly Robinsons, there's no watching your RPMs going too
high, too low.
It's just, you just put the collective down and steer it.
And he landed this thing like, like, like a fucking daisy.
It was incredible.
And so anyways, he, he was filming the entire time that we were flying.
And, um, I was flying horribly.
I could barely even, I couldn't even hold the hover in the thing because the
main rotor turned the exact opposite way.
And as much as I told myself, ignore your muscle memory, just, you know,
correct whichever way the nose is going.
And it was also super sensitive.
It f