Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-15-18
Uploaded: 2018-03-16T16:07:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-15-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-15-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-16. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-15-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before
friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you just seeing how
your week's
going how your life is how you're feeling this day um i'm not i don't know i
don't you know you
know i i was supposed to get my invisalign off yesterday right i was all
excited this shit was
supposed to take 16 weeks and because i wore them like a fucking lunatic
basically 24 7 occasionally
i'd smoke a cigar or i'd do a set if i did a long set and i didn't feel like spitting
all over the
stage i would take them out but a lot of times i just left them in one time i
left them in when i
smoked a cigar that was a bad move bad move i had to sit there and brush them
for like an hour so they
wouldn't be fucking all brown anyway so the last time i saw my dentist he's
like oh gee willikers
you've been wearing them so much i think we'll be done by the 13th week and i
was like you got to be
kidding me this is a great i tried not to get excited i tried to be like okay
well i'm supposed
to be you know just mentally just keep being prepared for the end of march when
these things
are gonna be off so anyway so i go to the dentist right and i'm wearing them
and i'm wearing them
and i'm driving over i'm wearing i'm chewing on the stupid sponge to make sure
the fucking trays all
the way down and all of that shit so i show up and he you know takes the things
off he's all he's a good
old man he's wow you really were you see when you comply blah blah blah
everything's good and i'm sitting
there going don't get excited don't get excited because here comes the however
however we get me
two fucking weeks i was waiting for that shit right but he doesn't he goes he's
still good enough to
take him off today i was like you gotta be kidding me i did it i fucking did it
this is like going to
the fucking stanley cup playoffs all right and and just sweeping everybody so
you play like fucking i
don't know let's see uh if you went seven games times four that's 12 about 28
fucking games or
you could just play 16 i felt like i just played 16 games fresh as a fucking daisy
i'm ready to go
another round you already handed me the trophy right so i said all right so he's
he's taking the
fucking clips off or whatever he's filing them down and shit and he's like uh i
go okay so now all i
have to do now is just wear this tray at night when i sleep for the rest of my
life so they don't go
back which is no big deal i'm asleep what the fuck do i care right he goes no
no uh this final tray you
have to wear this for the next three months and then we give you the overnight
tray and it's just like
where did that come from where was that in your initial pitch i still would
have fucking done it but
why are you just tear the band-aid off
i could have just mentally got myself like all right the next six months of my
life is gonna suck
you got me all excited about 16 weeks and then 13 and then it's gonna happen
and then oh oh oh by the
way by the way here's another three months onto your sentence you're not out
yet
oh it fucking bugged me you know because you know what it was because when he
went initially
went to sell it to me he was too afraid that if he told me it was going to be
six months that i wasn't
going to do it that's basically what it is that you know i get it capitalism it's
sales
i i really wanted i didn't say anything you know what are you gonna do at the
end of the day i got
fucking straight teeth i mean it works the shit definitely works i am thrilled
i am elated with it i just
you know what i mean that's like something your wife does
bill is there anything in the world bill that you can't turn around and blame
women for all right
you're right i'm being emotional being a cunt
fucking three more months i turned 15 three months you know you think i'm gonna
have fucking braces
i don't know about you but that's not one of my that's not one of my life's
goals
um so anyway so now what's going on is he took the fucking hooks off my i'm
just giving you guys the
blow by blow this guy's a great dentist okay you know could have been a little
more straightforward
about how long this was gonna fucking take you know just dump the bowl over my
head stop like
taking little spoonfuls and putting in my mouth is that okay can you handle
that
anyways um i don't know what the fuck so now the hooks are off these fucking
things
and uh this is like getting out of jail because you just don't get out of jail
they go from maximum
to like medium to minimum to you're living in some guy's fucking house and you
can go out and go get a
fucking bagel and you got to come back and report to somebody this is how this
is how the invisalign is
going down um i'm in the uh the halfway house or the fucking minimum security
building
of this shit another three months whatever i don't even fucking notice him i'm
i'm kind of over it
i did have to event i did have to vent on on the podcast about it but it's just
you fucking
you know what just just tell me what i'm in for so i can prepare for it
it's like one of those fucking movies where you're sitting at your goddamn cubicle
at your desk and
you finish your stack of papers you're like ah and you fucking put your foot up
on the desk guy comes
back with another stack of papers you know anyways anyways um oh fucking uh
billy boston brewing
bandwagon is jumping on i've watched the last three games to be honest with you
i i missed i turned on the
last bruins game you know i got a kid now so i do what i can all right i i put
the game on when it
was four to one all right i watched him beat the blackhawks on saturday i
watched him lose on sunday
and i put the game on it was they were down four to one i was like jesus christ
every time i fucking
with these they do nothing but win but whenever i turn them on they fucking
lose
and um so i got the game on you know medium volume i'm in the kitchen with my
beautiful daughter and
i'm making her some dinner i came in with the hell i made her she likes these
meatballs right with the
vegetables and that type of stuff and uh we're really trying to keep her away
from uh you know
all the sugar and that type of shit however you know occasionally you know my
kid's not gonna not
have mcdonald's you know what i mean i'm not gonna take it to that level where
the kid's like oh can i
have some dessert and be like yeah here's a kiwi or some shit like that even
though you probably should
do that i don't know um so anyways i i have the game on and i'm out in the
kitchen and then i just hear
jack edwards going crazy three goals in 77 seconds i come running in like what
the what the fuck just
happened long story short the bruins scored they would that they scored five
goals in the third
period to win six to five the last one was an empty netter um they scored them
so fast i don't even know
who fucking scored them i can't even remember who the hell scored them pasta
knock out one of them
uh but i do know that we also uh lost like three guys got hurt during the game
tory krug
de brusk and fucking zedeno chara but i i looked at the replay because i missed
those plays
they didn't look uh sitting on my couch and not having to endure the pain they
didn't look too bad
um chara went down like someone at a public skating rink is what that looked
like and then he just
slid into the board looks like he hit his shoulder he was walking off fine you
know when he was
off the ice and he was going through the tunnel he seemed all right granted he's
also like nine
feet tall and can do like over 40 pull-ups which makes no fucking sense at 40
41 years of age
it's easy for the little guys because they don't have to travel as far but to
bring that giant body
and all the way the fuck down it's like it's like the little guy's going up
like two two steps and
he's he's got to run up like nine flights of stairs every time he does it's it's
unreal so
he's tough as nails i think he'll be back i don't know what happened to tory krug
and uh de brusk hopefully if i just i don't know got a mild sort of uh bounced
his brain around a
little bit but uh anyways we're playing the florida panthers tonight 7 30 4 30
my time 7 30 east coast
and the panthers fight the most have the most fighting majors in uh the nhl
this year and it's
like some pathetically low number i think they're in the they've had like 20
fighting majors
they average a fight like basically you know every three games um
it's just it's just completely out of the fucking league and it sucks but
granted i'm not the guy who
i don't have to fight right i don't have to walk around dealing with the concussions
and all of that
shit but you know just as a fan i miss it so they got them on uh they got them
today thursday and then
saturday when i'm up in uh ontario they got the lightning so they got some big
games coming up monday
the blue jackets i don't even know how they're doing because i haven't been
watching anything but i'm back
i'm back on fucking board here um a lot of new faces and shit but um you know
like i said i've
watched so many games in the last 10 years the 820 regular season games i bet i
saw at least you
know 500 of them so i missed like the last fucking 60 that they had this year
essentially i only saw
maybe five games this year uh it's embarrassing but uh which sucks because i
watched them totally
dismantle the team you know four years ago or something and go all the way back
down to rebuilding
and i was like i'm gonna watch this whole rebuild and this year when it all
fucking came together
um i mean what am i complaining about oh i had to go and become a dad which is
the most amazing
fucking thing ever um my little one's starting to try to run now which is
hilarious
um and also we've been doing this thing where uh when she's done with the toy
and then she wants
to play with something else she has to put away the other toy and she just has
it down
she likes it because we applaud every time she puts something away she's
playing with these giant
legos today and we and she won then she wanted to have this bag of like uh you
know multi-colored
fucking little like they almost look like ping pong balls right she wants to go
play with those
fucking things so it's just like all right well you got to put away the lego
blocks first
so she starts putting away and i'm applauding on everyone that she does and
then there's two stuck
together and she fucking she pulled them apart before she put them away and as
a parent right there
you're like oh my god my kid is a genius you know like like you have einstein
as a kid rather than
it was a uh a pretty logical step that they were just able to make but it's
still thrilling
everything is fucking thrilling so anyways um this morning i go outside right i
play a little game on
thursday when the trash comes out um because i'm always listening for the
garbage truck all right
because um now that i don't have a dog i mean i still do it's still technically
my dog and she's in
town this week and i've been taking her on these long hikes every day it's been
awesome she looks great
she just looks great and she's so friggin happy and i told you for the first
time in her life she has
another dog that she's friends with which she never you know she was never in
that mindset when someone
with my limited skill set at her she tried to fucking she usually ignored
bigger dogs and then little
dogs no little dogs would bark at her and she would ignore them and then bigger
dogs she would also
ignore them until they started some shit you know i believe in the hip-hop
community that's known as uh
don't start nothing won't be nothing i believe that's that's where my dog her
mindset was from
so anyways what i always fucking hated is when the trash is out the barrels
once they empty the
fucking the trash truck comes by the garbage truck if you will empties the
fucking thing out you have
basically about a minute when you live in los hangeles before some fucking dog-ow