Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-22-18
Uploaded: 2018-03-23T00:35:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-22-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-22-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-03-23. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-22-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm checking in on you i'm just checking in on you
seeing how your
work week is going i'll tell you right now it is a rainy gloomy um thursday
afternoon out here in
los angeles i'll tell you but you know we need the rain this is what happens
every year it fucking
rains everything turns green and for like a week it looks like portland oregon
out here an absolute
paradise and then it just stops raining and then the sun turns all of that
beautiful green shit
brown and then the santa ann wins all they fucking like a giant nature's hair
dryer
just heats the stuff up and then we have our fires and it's totally 100 normal
and every fucking year when this place is burning down somebody from back east
always has to call me
up be like dude you all right what's up with those fires out there it's what
the fuck happens
do i call up people in buffalo every year though hey all right with that lake
effect snow what's up
with that what's up with niagara falls i mean somebody should put a fence there
somebody's got to go over
everywhere you live there's something that makes them you know you got to pay a
price
70 70 degrees and gorgeous
every fucking day you guys have seen me since i've moved out here you've seen
just just the jfk level beautiful tan golden golden brown ginger that i am
when i come to your shows
when i was living on the east coast i mean i was just like it was like a
fucking casper the friendly ghost
if he actually got in shape the fat fuck
granted my head was the same size as his you know
but ever since i moved out here man i'm telling you
people have really commented it's like bill for the first time in your life
he actually looked human
no i'm still
pasty as ever
black and as ugly as ever right that's my biggie fucking line
pasty
and as freckled as ever
um
anyways yes so this is this is one of these days we just want to stay in and
eat some stew
you know i love cooking but i really hate the fucking music on every how to
cook video
why does it have to be just it's so fucking like perky and everything's gonna
be great
you know why i can't you know and you ever work in a fucking restaurant
in the kitchen i don't mean being the fucking good-looking fucking
douche who invites everybody into the restaurant hi how are you maybe you'll
fuck me if you order
the right fucking food you know not that person
you know i swear to god so much of beautiful women's game is giving you hope
how far they can get in the game how many times they can go around the board
and collect
200 just just on hope is it's it's fucking incredible
um anyways i'm talking about did you ever work in the fucking kitchen
all right everybody back there you know half the people there
if they don't have a record they're about ready to get arrested for something
there's always some sort of drugs going on
um it's it's there's a lot of degenerates
in the cooking industry i just don't understand
or maybe that's why they have such pleasant fucking music
they always have it staged it's always this giant fucking kitchen
and somebody's just at home and they're always just like i love making toast
toast you know when i was a little girl just toast to me was just i mean it
just brought the family together the sound of my mom pushing the toaster button
down the smell of the bread slowly crunching my dog muffin at my feet
feet i figured on a rainy fucking thursday afternoon we could recreate some of
that you know
i just want somebody to make a fucking pork chop on youtube and talk about how
much blow they did in the fucking 80s and now they can't even remember they can't
even believe that they can remember the difference between pork and poultry
they both begin with p and my drug dealer's last name was phillips um so it's
very confusing time for me but as far as i remember
sorry um anyways i uh worked last night i was down at the comedy and magic club
on her mosa beach speaking of my lovely non-existent tan
donald trump literally looks like he has a halo of hair on his fucking head i
just don't understand why doesn't he just like the hair plugs are incredible
now
just take your shit from the back
and paratroop that shit i don't know
it's like he has that remember when justin bieber had like that comb over
haircut
which i really found offensive as a balding man
you know that someone would mock my situation with the full head of hair
and i'll be honest with you i i don't think i ever quite forgave him for that
um
anyways i'm sorry i'm all over the fucking map here what was i just talking
about i was talking about people
doing blow in the backs of kitchens right
no it was past that
all right you know what it just it was oh i was down her mosa beach
doing a show with uh bobby collins bobby collins we did a show down there to
raise some money
for a great charity went down there tried out a bunch of new stuff
if you guys are in la if you want to go to a great comedy club i love that
fucking place
and the people who run it and the level of
like comedy like memorabilia that they have down there
is uh is incredible i believe that guy told me that uh
he has something of george carlin's that george wore
on one of the specials right like a window or something like that i'm always
afraid to say it
some fucking lunatic will go down there and try and steal it but it's it's
really incredible
it's like a it's like performing in this stand-up museum
especially when you saw how old my jokes were sorry
all right let's talk about the boston bruins shall we bill oh billy freckles
i am back on the fucking bandwagon here jesus christ can somebody close the
door when they
fucking flush the toilet there um
i watched the columbus game which we lost in overtime i missed last night which
we also lost
in overtime but we still picked up two points all right we got a lot of people
out evidently like
the injury bug is not only hit the fucking bruins it's also hit the celtics kyrie
irving is messed
up his knee he was about supposed to be out for a few games now they're saying
it looks even worse
so i don't know what that means you know the celtics are not disclosing how he
hurt his knee but i think
we all know okay kyrie thinks the world is flat and he was walking like it was
flat and all of a sudden
he got to where it starts to you know go down a little bit and you know it's
like you ever walk down
the stairs and you think you're at the last one and you're not you know you
miss a stair or something
like that or you think you're at the end and you're not i think he did that
walking around his house just
thinking well the earth's flat i don't need to adjust to the circumference here
and that's how he hurt his
that's a true story but ted donato of the bruins ted donato hovitz ted donato
uh sorry ryan donato
i'm sorry i'm old son of ted donato came up with the bruins his first friggin
game he scored a goal
and had two assists in a uh overtime loss i believe it was five to four against
columbus was great
what's his face uh bergeron was saying that he actually when he was 18 played
with ryan's dad
and ryan was just a kid and would come to practice and would skate around as a
little kid and now all
of a sudden he's on the team um i think they said bergeron's 32 years old yeah
right around that age
that's when that type of shit starts happening you know what i mean and it's
like you just remember
somebody being like four years old and next thing you know you wake up and you're
doing like tequila
shots with that little fucking four-year-old being like how are you of age when
did you turn 21
and the person will be like four years ago you're like you're 25 yeah i got a
kid you're like what the
what the fuck happened and what happened was is you stopped growing there's no
more grades
you're out of college once you pass 22 all right that's this weird fucking
phase until you get until
you get married and have a kid of your own if you if you're like me and you
just went all the way
into your 40s and never got fucking married and never had a kid um you're
living like this fucking
peter pan lifestyle where you're like you're still acting like you're 23 and
then all of a sudden
someone who was two is now 25 and they're actually married and they have a kid
you're like what what
the fuck what am i doing and um if you're like me it just causes you to drink
more
i mean why would you sit there and like you know as an adult and try to address
just exactly what the fuck are you doing with your life
um you know but it's fun it's fun staying out there for 15 years longer than
you should have
stick all the stories you have maybe that's why that pleasant music bothers me
maybe those people who make those those cooking videos maybe they got married
at like 25 when they
were quote supposed to you know so they didn't you know they didn't stay out
there too long
and get all fucking jaded like like uncle freckles here right um i'm supposed
to mention this
okay second shows have been added for my uh my tour my turn in 50 tour
uh this year uh in the following cities a second show has been added
march 31st in like a lamb out like a fucking feature
march 31st san antonio texas the stars at night are big and bright deep in the
heart of texas
uh april 6th pittsburgh pennsylvania late show added dude let's go to piramis
and get the french fries
mash it in why am i doing a boston accent because i'm limited
april 7th cincinnati ohio late show added baby if you ever wondered wondered
how you're ever going to
get tickets to my show they added a fucking show in cincinnati to come on down
and see my red nuts
tell show tell jokes sorry been hacking and stealing fucking material
from openers feature acts and headliners um nash
oh nashville tennessee second show added april 21st uh let me tell you story
about a man named
poor mark never kept him fed so he blamed black people and screamed at the jews
they made an evil flag what you're going to do nashville that is the predators
and hillbillies
um all right minneapolis minnesota june 29th late show added um wait it
what song is that it's a prince song
hey motherfucker something something something was that soft and wet
that's my abs after one setup
oh july 14th fucking portland oregon man
i added an organic late show for all you gluten-free fucking hairy cunts up
there
um uh july 17th uh seattle late show added all right in honor of the only guy
left alive up there
hey i added a fucking second show in seattle
oh god um 9 30
september 30th
to those of you not in europe um
denver
colorado
second night
second show added
rocky mountain high
colorado
experimental aircraft john denver
you know if he was wearing his puffy coat around his head
maybe he's still oh a third show added sorry
why am i making fun of john denver
i always liked that guy he was always great on the muppet show
you know that's not an easy show everybody says don't perform with kids or
animals
what about puppets
you know
that was always a tough one you could fucking you're sitting there talking to a
goddamn puppet right
the tv screen's on you and the puppet and then you're just you're sitting there
and you're looking down
you can see the puppeteer
he's up there doing the fuck he's down there doing the voice and the whole time
you're trying to remember your lines you're like
that's what the guy who does fucking fozzy bear looks like
so fucking weird i never pictured
picture i'm looking like that
john that's your line
this is the 12th take can you get through the fucking take here
um anyways i want to thank everybody who's been coming out
all right
and buying tickets
to my show i'm turning a half
a century old
you understand that
everything on me is 50 years old
it's incredible
my my my
this whole fucking
mess of a human being
has somehow survived for 50 years
hey bill hey bill
here's to 50 more
here's to 50 more
uh do you know how to do math sir
i think people do that
hey he