Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 4-2-18
Uploaded: 2018-04-03T00:44:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-2-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-2-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-03. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 4-2-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for april 2nd
2018 what's going on how are ya welcome to april everybody oh you didn't think
you'd make it did
you oh the goddamn snow just kept falling out of the fucking sky and all these
fucking liberal
cunts are talking about global warming oh yeah i'll fucking cool you off with
my fucking toes
you cunt um global warming i love when people who fucking when it snows in the
winter people just go
global warming um i don't know bill don't try to be a scientist okay you've
tried to be a lot of
things on this podcast and failed miserably why would you pick such a smart vocation
to start off
with well you know because i'm an arrogant ass um oh did i sleep well last
night you know i uh
i'm you know i got my big big birthday coming up my 50th birthday so my deal
was there's a certain
weight i wanted to get down to and uh one of those gene companies you know that
advertise on my podcast i
can't remember the name of them it's one of those people you know we were two
broke college kids so
we started a gene factory it's like well how the did you do that i thought you
were broke
you know you're trying to be all down to earth the next thing you know you got
you got a company
what are you telling me you just sewed them yourself yeah we'll make you a pair
of pants that'll be about
uh i don't know well we got to learn how to sew first uh well because we're
broke sir we can't
afford any sewing machines and people that know how to operate them okay
apology accepted i'm and i'm sorry too for yelling but you know if you want
jeans from us it's just
going to take a moment
so stand up on this thing so i can measure your your inseam
so anyways they sent me a pair of jeans that were uh 32 32 when i had a you
know i was 34 32
and now i'm 33 32 so my my goal is to get back to that's i think that's the
size that i had in high
school slash when i started um started doing comedy so i'll see if i can i don't
know i don't know if i
want to do that because you know this one of those things where like if you're
uh if you're your high
school weight when you're my age but you never really went up i don't think you
look that bad
but like if you get down to your high school weight and you were actually like
an adult males weight
uh you kind of look like you're dying
um but we'll see uh i am back on my little health kick here
um i told you last monday you know i did the goddamn comedy jam and um i had a
shot of jameson
before the show you know sort of a tradition you know drink a little shot of
courage and then after
the show i went out i was just gonna have one beer and just gonna go home but i
showed up and somebody
already bought me another jameson so i had that and then i had a beer but you
know the the shot and
the beer was stretched way out between the first like the whole show went by
like three hours
um and i had a couple of waters after the first shot so it was really just the
shot of jameson and
the beer and the next day i woke up and um aside from the fact i stayed out
till one in the morning
my lovely daughter gets up at like oh six six thirty i just woke up and i just
i wasn't worth
shit until like two in the afternoon and um i was just like i i can't i i can't
do this i just can't
fucking do this so i didn't drink tuesday wednesday thursday and then friday i
performed at arguably my
favorite theater in the country um the brady theater in tulsa oklahoma and it's
i cannot expect
to look at that fucking place and the people that show up there and the way the
laugh sound in that
room and the sound and the look of that fucking place it's it's unreal and the
amount of people
too who've never been there when i told them i was going to tulsa oklahoma they
were like tulsa jesus
you know thinking that it was going to be like tumbleweeds and stuff it's a
really fucking
hipstery place like the food scene alone is crazy and you know when the food is
really good then you're
going to have the record store which i like the record store i don't
necessarily like you know the
douches that go in there you know you know i'm a douche too but like i was
actually riffing about
that on stage where people like dude it sounds so much better it's like i can't
hear the difference
i can't hear that didn't you know no the cd was it was a lie man everything got
compressed and they
just get into the whole sound thing and i'm just i just like records because
they reminded me when
i was a kid you know and you feel like you kind of got more for your money well
you know you open
it up and there was all these pictures on the inside sleeve and all of that um
i don't know as
opposed to now you just download it off off like itunes and it's just floating
in the air man
um so anyways i uh so just getting off stage that night it was like i'm not
gonna drink and i just
felt like uh you know the habit of me doing that being like come on man just
have one
because i was flying after the show it was like that show in tulsa was every
reason why
i ever wanted to be a comedian it was so much fun i was barely doing my act
i forget what i did oh i know why i i connected i flew to dallas connected
there and then went up to
tulsa and um the second i got on the plane in tulsa like there was just like
three or four
really big people you know not just fat but just big ass fucking people so i
was just riffing on that
one of them two people were so big and fat they had to use wheelchairs so i was
just riffing on the fact
you know are you really helping them out if you're wheeling them around like a
fucking toddler and you
know it's like i'm not trying to like bring back segregation here but i really
think wheelchairs
should just be for people who can't fucking whose legs don't work it's like
your legs work you
asshole lay off the cookies um i actually said you have to see a guy so fat
that even if he has a full
head of hair you can still see most of his scalp you know because even then it's
just get even his
head is getting like fat it's like stretching out it was unbelievable this guy
sat in the chair in front
of me and the fucking chair was like coming down and it was one of those things
like an action movie like
is this gonna fucking stop or am i gonna get crushed to death and it stopped
about two inches
from the bridge of my nose and i think i audibly exhaled like you know because
it's like
i mean watching that guy trying to get up and be like my daughter she still can't
do like a sit-up
you know what i mean she just doesn't have the strength it's hilarious she gets
like three inches
up and she's making this face and she's staring at you and then i just start
laughing and then she
laughs which you know makes her fall back down again um so anyways she's saying
dada now all the
time she was in the crib this morning i'm always the one that goes out and i
get her and then uh
you know pick her up and i've figured out because she gives the best hugs but
she's also you know a
toddler now so she just wants to look at everything so she only does it for
half a second
so the way to trick her into giving you a nice minute long hug is you got to
sing to her and she
loves the itsy bitsy spider right now like that's her fucking jam right so i
just come out there and
she's like hi hi hi hi you know showing off the word that she knows how to say
and then i just pick
her up and she gives me the quick hug and then immediately is pointing over to
the changing table
because you know she wants to get that over with so she could then go in and
watch her little cartoons
you know and drink her bottle of milk right but i got it down now i just pick
her up and i just go oh
the itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout down came the rain and washed the
spider out and by then
she's already laid her head i sing it sweeter than that i kind of pushed
through with you guys didn't
want to creep you out but she fucking uh puts her head down on my shoulder and
just sits there and
is content i can sing the song like six times in a row and she'll just lay
there and then when i get
sick of that song i just sing the abcs and uh and then she does this thing if
you squeeze her and you
go give me a hug her two little fat hands she grabs two handfuls of your shirt
that's fucking adorable
um i'm starting to realize why dads cry at their daughter's wedding
you know i used to think it was some weird but they were just like thinking
like ah this guy's good
even if even if they haven't already banged he's gonna bang her now tonight you
know oh god you
fucking asshole and i gotta pretend like i like him you know thinking like that
shit it isn't they're
thinking about the itsy bit like i used to sing this kid the itsy bitsy spider
you know where did the
fucking decades go so anyways going back to my uh you know the boozing and shit
like um i don't know so then
uh you know that's like that's already going to be the greatest moments of my
life are going to be
those and i just don't want to be all banged up and extra tired and god forbid
grumpy so um
i don't know so then san antonio i did two shows fucking amazing crowds down
there
um once again i just carried over whatever happened in tulsa
uh i've learned how to do that though as far as like what happens as a
you know when you go out on one night you're just in the zone and you're not
even doing your act
the next night you come on stage you're like hoping that you're going to be in
the zone again
the night before you weren't hoping that you were going to be in the zone
it just happened so then you're going out there now you're hoping it's going to
be like last night
so now you're walking on the stage and you're thinking about last night so you're
not
you're not like mentally there not to get all trippy so what i do is
i try to let go of the last night but do the same thing that i did in that i'll
just talk about
something that i just saw except this time it's in san antonio and i just came
out and i was
bitching about the fact that i didn't realize that the final four four four was
in san antonio i kind
of figured it out when it was 500 bucks a night at a goddamn red roof in about
up by the airport um
and then it was just like there's gonna be a real problem with transportation i
had to hire this
company you know to make sure they could pick me up at the airport get dean you
know it was out there
with del rey who del rey fucking murdered so hard in tulsa he had a sustained
round of applause
like he had to wait before he introduced me that's how hard this guy's killing
so you got to go see dean
when he's out on the road actually watch him do like a full set i know he has
an album coming out too
on vinyl i believe speaking of records so um
anyways i went out and just did the same thing and on both shows
i just you know around and riffed about some and it just got me into this place
and then it was fun because i was you know both nights i was teasing people
about having ar-15s
and telling them how they should go about talking to people on the left about
why you have an ar-15
and um it just it just was a great night um both nights so what is my point so
my point is
i just you know through i was watching the zen diaries of gary shandling
this incredible documentary that judd apatow did um and it is such the stand-up
comedian experience i
literally had to take breaks from it i had to shut it off or hit pause i'd be
watching the thing right
and i would just something he would write down because gary i guess kept all
these diaries and stuff
and judd just would just like film like just a line or two that he wrote and uh
it would either be
something that i thought or something that i never realized and it's just like
yeah that's it or just
an experience that i had and obviously all my experiences are on a way less
like whatever
experience he had at the tonight show or hosting the emmys i had playing you
know uncle fuckies and you
know that's swamp scott massachusetts um but i jus