Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 4-23-18
Uploaded: 2018-04-25T18:19:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-23-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-23-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-25. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 4-23-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday april
23rd 2018 what's going on how are you how's it going i'm actually recording
this on fucking
wednesday april 25th in case you're listening to this in the future and you
wanted to know
what was going on with me as far as my health goes now notice i said as far as
my health goes
instead of health wise i learned in vocab improvement back in high school there's
no
such thing as the wise guys health wise weather wise you know that's why i can
never listen to
come fly with me weather wise it's such a lovely day hey frank i know you're
connected but that's
improper grammar all right i'm not attacking you or your heritage or the fact
that you're from new
jersey all right you're overly sensitive so and so um i'm just saying that that's
you know i don't
know who wrote that song okay so why don't you scooby doo dee dot dot dot boo
over to a fucking
dictionary and you you find me weather wise francis um am i really trashing a
dead fucking frank sinatra
sorry i'm i'm not i'm i've almost lied and tried to tell you i'm on cold
medication but i don't take
cold medication cold medication cold medication is for fucking millennials all
right and even if you're
older and you take it you're a millennial at heart you can't deal with the fact
that you got yourself
sick you need to lay down get eight hours and let your body fucking go through
it all right the reason
why your nose is running is because it's trying to get the virus out of you
just let it happen these fucking assholes i swear to god man the amount of
people that gave me advice
you know there's no cure for the common cold but everybody thinks they have one
you know what zinc
yeah go try some zinc shot a whiskey dude my manager told me he goes vitamin d
everybody thinks it's c
vitamin d unbelievable one of the greatest managers in the world and he also
knows the cure for a cold
i mean who knew that i'm just with you dave um
let's get that out of the way um jesus christ this is just a cold that won't
quit this is the cold
that's letting me know that mother nature is regrouping you know right now we're
squeezing her
all right like the way andre the giant was squeezing hulk hogan in that
documentary
and they're lifting mother nature's arm and they're dropping it down they lift
it up they're dropping it
down they're like oh my god the bad guys are gonna win and at one point her arm's
just gonna stay there
and she's gonna start shaking her blonde hair that was always my favorite part
when hulk would start
coming back and he'd give him that one big hit and then he'd walk around the
ring looking up in the
looking up at the rafters just shaking his head oh that was the best i watched
that documentary like
three times and when uh when um i watched that that part of the fight with nia
we were both laughing
our asses off in a great way like just some of the greatest performers of all
time and professional
wrestlers you know when i was growing up right through the rock and all of
those guys like their
ability stone cold all of them their ability to work a crowd is just it's
second to none you know
i got a buddy might still going like dude yeah but isn't it like a fake fight
you know is it but isn't
it like a fake fight it's just like i i i how fucking dumb are you
it's like yes it's entertainment they they said that like 30 years ago and some
guy cried
all right and the greatest thing they ever did was say that it was all arranged
and all of that
for the most part so then they could actually talk about how hurt they got when
they actually were doing these fake fights i had to tell jersey that like
jersey if you knew okay we had
a fake fight and i said i was going to pick you up and throw you across the
room and you're going to
land on your back you know that would still hurt even though you know we
arranged that it was going
to happen right physics is still in play there no sorry i'm a little hot here
with this mic i was
having a problem with my recorder here oh god um so believe it or not i'm
actually on the other side of
this thing i completely lost my voice by uh by sunday and um so i started gargling
with a little bit of uh
apple cider vinegar and some salt in there that kind of cleared me up a little
bit um
i'll do that shit but i'm not going down to the fucking drug store even though
i did and i bought
all this shit and i just looked at the ingredients i'm like i'm not putting
this in my fucking body so
basically what i kicked this shit out of my fucking liver so this medicine can
fool my fucking nose
that i don't have a cold i apologize dude for how stuffy i am but i got to do
this because i'm going
to be fucking backed up on podcast because i got the thursday one tomorrow i'm
liking that i love lucy
sketch where they got the chocolates coming down except it's podcasting i mean
christ i i don't have
time for this shit um guess what the i watched yesterday on the plane coming
back i actually went
up to boston and i visited my family baggie and um on uh dude by the way the
anger that is still
in massachusetts it's not really with the younger kids which kind of makes me
happy and a little bit sad
you know at some point you do have to let go of the anger but i hope i hope all
the characters are still
you know around but i was driving through my uh my old neighborhood and there's
this cop directing
traffic and a little fucking three-way stopper he tells this guy to stop and
evidently he didn't
and the cop starts flipping out now i'm like fucking two three cars down the
line so i i can't hear
what the guy's saying but he is fucking flailing his arms like earl weaver
right he manages the orioles
about 40 years ago sorry um and i'm laughing my balls off how angry is it this
guy right
and then when he gets the guy to stop and then the other he waves us to start
going like that's
not enough for him he walks up to the guy's car and starts screaming at him so
i'm thinking maybe
this is some young punk with his radio turned up and he's not listening to the
cop i show up it's like
some old dude with like white hair and this fucking eight foot cop is screaming
at him
uh i don't know how you do it
i would not i would not have handled that well if he came out to my window
there's no way i would
have been like relax and then i would have been you know in cuffs because she
can't tell a guy who's
flipping out and screaming at you to fucking relax i need to learn my rights
for those moments because
i am a control freak and i forget that i don't know how to fight in those
moments
and i just immediately go to go fuck yourself and then and then the ramification
comes
that i am not prepared for
um i actually got angry for that guy and started drove past the cop saying all
the
shit to the cop in my car to myself as if i was that guy talking to that cop
how
how fucking nuts is that or is that normal is that something you do i just feel
like for me
oh jesus christ um
i haven't been this sick since i've been a dad
which is fucking brutal to get this sick when you're a dad because then you can't
hug your kid
um which is the worst i mean that's what you have a kid for so you can hug them
right
and lie about what you did when you were a kid right that's what you do oh i
used to make my bed
every day i did all my homework
i was never a problem for my parents um
anyways i uh i had a fucking amazing weekend so i got to work the rhyming once
again that's the
third time i've been there i did vince vaughn's uh nashville comedy festival in
2014 then i did it
again in 2016 i taped my last special there walk your way out and then i got to
do it uh
one show friday one show saturday and they brought me a drum kit and shit to
play on
and i was so sick i couldn't play i felt bad and um i had a splitting
fucking headache but the shows were really fun and i actually uh i always hit
that jack's barbecue next
door and then uh i went to the war they got a war sales like with a fucking
lunch counter like what
they had like back in the day during segregation where they're just like only
white people can sit
here and get a grilled cheese sandwich god made everybody in his image but he
made us closer to his
image and he loves us just a little bit better because of that we get to sit at
this shiny counter
and the rest of you on white white unwhite fucking people gotta go around the
back um
so i sat down i got a cheeseburger there you know taking pictures just i i went
into woolworths
like a white person going oh my god i remember these things you know you used
to be able to buy
fucking a shirt and then get a cheeseburger so i walked in not realizing the
historical
um magnitude of what i was walking into i was just walking you guys still sell
shirts here
no buddy we don't we don't
and i walked right up to the count i was taking pictures and and everybody
thought
i was like some historian and i wasn't i was as excited that had the same
emotional historical
context to me as if if i walked into a jordan marsh do they have jordan marshes
anymore do you
remember all those all those defunct super stores it's funny they were evil
when they came out because
they put out the mom and pop businesses and then eventually when you watch them
get eaten you love
you you ended up uh feeling bad for them
places like mammoth mart you remember mammoth mart had a big woolly mammoth
child world got destroyed by
fucking toys r us leech mere they lost out to the best buys radio shack there's
still a few of them
left over you know what i mean they're like old nazis there's still a couple of
them running around
scurrying around south america you know what i mean trying to get a tan fitted
with the regulars right
um well some of the other ones that they used to have i can't even remember
anymore so long
goes filings jordan marsh then macy's just came along just them all up just
them all up
blooming dales beat the fuck out of everybody and then you had all those like
stores you just heard
about but you know like sax fifth avenue when i was a little kid i they might
have been one in boston
but i think if you wanted to go to sax fifth ave you had to go to fifth avenue
in new york city and nobody really knew all of the all of that all of that
designer
that um all the kids wear nowadays like and i was like mobile alabama and they
had like a
louis vuitton store they never used to have that you know what i mean they only
had three series
of the bmw the three the five and the seven no they also had the six and you
couldn't afford one of
those go yourself they didn't make a suv i didn't think i don't think they did
they didn't have a one
series a two series a four series you know just doing anything they can that's
like when mercedes-benz
dropped their not that quality but they dropped it all the way down where you
could buy the uh
was it the 190e the baby bends they used to call it
and all of a sudden you're driving around a mercedes-benz that cost the same
amount of money
as a monte carlo right and you were this monte carlo fucking t-top pot dealing
douche you know
who would have looked right in his oldsmobile cutlass but instead you're
driving around this 190e
like you're fucking sophisticated everybody saw right through you you know
second you got out of
the fucking car right all your personal belongings fall on the fucking ground
you know some scale to
weigh your product i don't know what i'm talking about but when i was a kid all
the cool older guys the
guys who were like 25 which to me was a man you had a mustache you had your own
place
the chick was living with you and you could fuck her whenever you wanted you
know my idea is a 14 year
old dude he lives with her they can he can fuck her whenever he wants to not
realizing not realizing like
the fucking that he was probably looking at me envious of me going look at that
fucking orange-headed
hairless-faced fucking loser over there he's got it all ahead of him doesn't
have any