Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 4-30-18
Uploaded: 2018-05-01T23:57:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-30-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 4-30-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-01. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 4-30-18

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast for
monday
fucking april 30th 2018 what's going on how are you um i'm still sick
uh i just i've just every time i start to get healthy i travel again so i
actually had to
schedule a gig something i've never i don't can't remember the last time i did
that so
um because i just need to fucking stay home and uh i'm just having coughing
fits i'm having an
absolute fucking fit at night like my throat sounds like this i still got the
sniffles
and uh maybe i got ebola you know um but i'm kind of all right i cough a little
bit during the day but
the second i lay down at night i also my throat gets all dry and i just have
this coffin fit now
i'm saying this to you guys because all of you now without medical degrees are
now leaping to your
feet and you know exactly what's wrong with me and what the cure is and that's
my favorite thing about
being sick i like to not go to doctors i like to talk to people who have talked
to doctors or went
on web md and then they fucking diagnosed me so uh i just think i need to i
need to shut it
down for a couple of fucking days and uh not do anything is what i need to do
but i'm here for
for you i'm doing the fucking podcast um i want to thank everybody that came
out to in hotlanta
to the show at the fox theater um i know i sounded like shit but i think i had
a good show
um and then the next day uh like an asshole rather than just being like bill
you're sick you know
don't do the planned fun event and just go home and sleep it off i i couldn't
lay off man i went
to the talladega super fucking speedway and i went to that nascar race out
there man and uh
just had a great great time legendary legendary track that's where they always
have the big one
the big one's coming you don't know when it's coming all you know all you
really know is that
it's coming the big one is just they can drive so goddamn fast there that
eventually you know and
they're right on each other's bumpers eventually all it takes is somebody to do
a little shimmy
a little shimmy sham shimmy shimmy shake whatever the fuck it is shaking bake
choking on my own spit
all right do a little ricky bobby shit a little brewster baker a little uh
stroke erase trying to
think of all the star car movies i saw um sorry breathing too many fumes um and
then they just have
like a giant fucking uh crash there so you know the deal
you know as tony stewart said we can we come there for the accidents i don't
want to see anybody die
but i i want to see shit fly through the fucking air so we were in this suite
then we watched like
the first couple legs of the race and then i was just like dude i want to go
outside and i want to
fucking you know i want to hear the cars and all that shit so we went the upper
deck which is the
shit because you can see the whole goddamn track and then we were like let's go
down low because it was
more seats and we went down there and it's that whole thing it's like 40
fucking cars go by
at like you know 180 190 200 miles an hour and all you're thinking is if if
they got if they have
the big one right not right in front of me because by the time everything you
know settles it's going
to be fucking two miles down i mean quarter mile down the fucking track it's
like if it happens right
before me there is a chance i could take a lug nut to the side of my head and
uh i'll be fucking dead
you know but uh it is amazing i gotta tell you and the people down there were
fucking great um
i've always been a fan of fucking alabama it's a beautiful goddamn state but i
will i will tell you
this not to get negative and just in general uh there is a level of poverty
that you just cannot but like some of the people some i just i remember a long
time ago patrice o'neill
told me this thing was hilarious he said you know something bill he goes black
people we are good at
being broke and i go what are you talking about he goes look at us he goes we
had we are the cleanest
motherfuckers on the earth you wouldn't know that we're broke even if we are
broke but let me tell
you something about white people when a white person is broke you know it and
uh that's what
i was thinking about as i always do i always think of that he said and i just
was looking at these people man some not all of them but just that was there's
been a few when i've
been traveling there's been a few times where i've seen little kids and i've
had the urge to rescue
them you know by the time you're looking at the adults you're like it's too
late for them you know
i've seen that in inner cities i saw it in india and i saw it in alabama talladega
not everybody
i'm not saying everybody but there was definitely some people i was like that
kid
if you get him out of this environment he has he's got hope um jesus christ i
oh you know something
when you hear that white privilege and stuff you can say that to me but i
always like after
going to that race i was wondering what those people think you know because the
bus definitely
skipped their stop um and i'm not talking down on these people because i hate
out people up north
and people on the coast and everything they got this attitude like you know if
you're white and
you're broke it's because you're dumb um and that's just ignorant because you
haven't traveled but uh
having said that there was a disturbing amount of confederate flags that i saw
but like i don't know
i i don't know i don't i don't i don't i don't get that aspect of it but the
other i'm
just talking about feet coming out of the side of your sneakers um i don't know
it was it was it was
it was interesting definitely as a fellow american i was like you know we
really should be doing
something about this can we try to help these people out now i know trump said
he was going to
do it he was going to make it great again and i can tell you right now i didn't
see a lot of greatness
there oh why do i talk about things why do i see things and then talk about
things you know what
because that's what i do i didn't talk to you know i actually talked to a lot
of people when i was there
i had a you know a good time but there was definitely a few people that just
had to take pictures of
you know but i'm not going to post them just because you know i don't i don't
want to further
any sort of stereotypes and the people at nascar treated me great but there's
definitely i saw this
guy he had on uh overall shorts is the only way to describe it and larry bird
short shorts and the
whole thing was the american flag and cowboy boots with no shirt underneath it
shaved head and sunglasses
you know he looked like rob halford on the fourth of july
is the only way to describe it um and he was standing next to a guy
and just bare feet looking like he walked out of a coal mine
and uh it was just some old school and people just smoking like chimneys like a
lot of
people smoking down there and it reminded me of when i was a kid like the level
that people
were smoking but having said that um there was also a bunch of other people
that looked fine
i'm just saying but there was definitely some people who just like god damn
that guy is broke
you know um how are you hawat and you're that broke what they're saying out
there is that's not
supposed to happen you're supposed to just wake up you know and every all the
doors are supposed to
swing open for you with your hawat privilege um well that happened for me
people it did not happen for
those people you know i you know what i think a lot of it goes back to i think
it goes back to the
civil war when you lose a war like that they're the repercussions of that you
deal with that for a long
time and uh you know i knew some people that relocated from the north down to
the south
back in the 80s some friends of mine their parents moved or whatever and i just
remember them calling
me up and they're going dude i'm learning in school right now that i learned
two years ago up north
this is ridiculous there's no reason for that there is no reason for that um so
i don't know did i
mention the race was awesome um i was just a little taken aback by shit like
that you know you don't like
to see that you don't like to see that anyway right i like seeing people
struggling you know not having the
answers walking around in jean shorts um but anyways great food at the track jesus
christ it was delicious
food i had this barbecued fucking uh something or other the coleslaw on it and
everything was absolutely
delicious and uh and i love the track legendary track and then i love the
fucking the bleachers it was just
no frills no bullshit you know look like an old football stadium where it's
just like we're just
building fucking seats that's it no fucking sushi stands and under that crap um
it's definitely a good
time i hope that didn't come off like uh some elitist yankee thing um anyways
plowing ahead
now now now we're gonna get into my elitist um attitude for the week now this
is something
that everybody's gonna be like first world problem and all that i i have a
problem with delta airlines
all right these fucking assholes
for whatever reason they board first class and their premium select whatever
they call them their
they're fucking medallion members at the same fucking time
you know all these widget salesmen that fly every fucking weekend it's like i
spent 20 years in the
back of the fucking plane with the stress of the back of the plane like fuck i
need to line up an hour
before the flight so i get on early enough so there's going to be a place for
my fucking bag
and is this a dc9 am i is is the engine right outside my window and a part's
gonna fly off into my
fucking head am i next to the bathroom i'm gonna smell the piss and shit of the
fucking working class
i spent 20 years in the back of that fucking plane and they kept us back there
and we didn't get on
until first class got on and we were not allowed past that fucking curtain that
was their fucking bathroom
i did every goddamn hell gig i had thrown at me i got booed i got out of money
and i moved up
the rose i got up to the exit row yeah i got all the way up there now i can
finally afford
to sit up front right and i don't give a that they're like anybody with a limp
or a yeast infection anybody active military even if you never saw action even
if all you do is
counter grenades rather than fucking throw them you can get on first i don't
give a you got a stroller
and a kid you're old and in a wheelchair i don't have a fucking problem with
that
these fucking assholes they take all their frequent flyers and then these
fucking
fucking cunts all right they line up like a half hour before so i'm like where's
the first class line
they go it's right here i look back i'm like 40th and fucking line and now i
got the anxiety again
that's not that is not first class first class is you walk on without a fucking
care in the world
that's what i paid for i walk on without a care in the world and you pretend
that i'm better than the
people behind me that is what i'm paying for and that is not the experience you
get on delta airlines
all of these fucking people just fucking why can't you just board first class
and two seconds later
have those fucking premium cunts they line up like a half hour before now i
gotta stand up
i don't even use frequent flyers i pay full price for the fucking ticket
because i can't figure out
how to do the fucking i don't even want to figure it i want to figure out you
know
how many fucking miles i have with you assholes what is the ticket price here
you go
the way a guy shops i'm not waiting for the sale i need pants those are pants
what are they here this
is give them to me so i fucking get on the plane and i get on the plane and all
the first class
fucking bins are taken and i see one one that's like two rows behind me and i
and i feel that that
fucking anxiety that fucking anxiety that gave me the drive to get up to the
front of the fucking plane
and then i'm sitting there right i finally