Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 5-7-18
Uploaded: 2018-05-07T18:27:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-7-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-7-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-07. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 5-7-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
may 7th 2018 what's going on how is you how's it going how are you is your
hockey team still
alive in the nhl playoffs well you know what congratulations i hope you're
happy because mine
isn't mine is not mine is done for the goddamn season i do want oh yeah yeah
hit the printer while i'm
doing the podcast no fucking consideration for the high level of quality of a
program that's going on
in here why would you do that you come in here and you apologize to the
incredible intellect of my
listeners sorry i yeah i just yeah i hit print sorry oh my god nia can we sit
down and talk about how
you cut up that steak last night nope oh where are you running where are you
running to we already
settled it why do we need to talk listen to this you want to talk about one of
one of the shadiest
moods ever moves ever come here sit down sit down gorgeous well bring her in
here it'll take some of
the sting out of what i'm going to say to you so anyway so we go out you know a
friend of ours in
town and of course she wanted to meet our lovely beautiful absolutely charming
always in a great
mood gorgeous daughter right and we love showing her off we love getting the
compliments oh my god i know
right i did that you know i didn't i took a half court shot and god did the
rest um the lord
um anyways so we end up going out to a steakhouse right so nia's like i don't
want a steak but i'd
like some steak are you gonna order a steak and it's like yes when in rome hi
hi did you just say
hi to me you say hi to the listeners cutie so nia's just like are you gonna get
a steak i don't want
i didn't want a whole steak i wanted to get tuna tartare and i wanted a crab
the lump crab cake which
is what you ordered yes and i wanted a little bit of steak so i want to do a
little surf and turf
so what does old freckles do what does old freckles do he he orders of course
what do you order
oh billy steak face i ordered the bone-in rib
how the hell did that happen sorry what just happened there somehow i moved and
the volume
got turned down anyways i'll have to edit that part out so anyways old billy
steak face i order a bone-in
rib eye so cutie pie here starts getting frustrated and starts making noise and
i you know i don't want
to be that guy at the restaurant with the baby that's crying especially in a
steakhouse a steakhouse
you have a lot of people there in their second marriages people who you know
didn't get married
guys who are paying for a house that they're no longer allowed to go into you
know there's a lot
of that going there you know a lot of child support being paid you know by some
of these people who had
to rebuild it again so that look at your belly hanging out look at your belly
hanging out what are you doing
so she was my daughter was getting frustrated so i just started i started you
know walking her around
the restaurant and everything like that being the amazing father that i am
right yeah running around
she's so short i gotta like you know bend at that angle that it's like killing
my back but i but i
stuck it out i did it for you i did it for all those divorcees in there right
all those people paying
child support even the women that women are starting to pay child support too
oh my god you haven't seen
that you haven't read that in cosmo cosmo cosmo yeah cosmo yeah just finish the
story and they are
they're complaining that which i love i love this whole equal pay because you
wait near you wait till
enough women have to start paying child support and you watch those divorce
laws change like that
um so anyways while i'm being the amazing father that i am obviously this is my
uh this is my version of the story
uh my steak arrives so nia goes to cut off her portion of the steak and
basically what she does is
she cuts the thing like lengthwise right along like an inch away from the bone
and she takes all the
meat along the bone and then gives me the rest of it and for those of you who
aren't meat eaters all you
vegetarians out there the most flavorful part of a bone in ribeye the reason is
all along the bone and she took
the best meat and i was so upset with her i told her that she needed to go to
ancestry.com because that
was some northern white european what you just did there
hi uh yeah i took the yeah i did that's my favorite part is the bone
all right guys if you ever want to know if you want to know what it's like to
be a husband and a
father that's what it is oh come on she makes the baby she goes through all of
that she goes through
nine months of hell ten ten months of hell actually there's the middle three
that's like the summer
vacation but whatever we'll say 10 months of hell and you know what and then as
a guy you pay for it
for the rest of the relationship she gets it all back with little little shady
cuts
of bone in rib eye i couldn't believe that hi hi cutie look at the way she's
smiling at you huh
she is in love with you yeah well you know what and i'll be in love with her
until the day she takes
the the good part of my cheerios all right hi hi how are you cutie all right
daddy has to talk filthy
so i can still buy you diapers that's how it works i'm sorry i'm too far down
this road to pretend
that you have a respectable dad all right lovely ladies that's it well i mean i
thought that you
were going to try to defend your position and you didn't you're like yeah i did
that's that's what i
did i mean that's that's that's really all there is to say i did i saw that and
i was like i want
the meat along the bone you're doing donald trump right now that's how he got
out of stuff you said
all this horrible stuff about women and he was like no i said that about rosie
o'donald they were like
no you said that about other women he was like hey you're probably right it's
like all right
i thought that was going to be a big funny fight and it was nothing ow you're
on my ankle
okay all right ladies bye-bye can you say bye-bye bye-bye bye-bye
come on all right oh well yeah i'll see you later i'll buy you a cheeseburger
later oh okay
you get my steak and i get a cheeseburger later let me guess mcdonald's what do
you guys what what
do you like better you like mcdonald's or burger king i've always i've always
been a mcdonald's guy
i've always been mcdonald's and it's not like i'm out here looking for another
advertiser
i'll tell you right now i feel the best poison in fast food is mcdonald's this
is how i would i
would rank this is how i rank my fast food cheeseburgers nia all right as much
as there's
some great ones out there like in and out i have to go to mcdonald's because
the child's sense memory
okay you know that just takes me back to you know when my bicycle was orange
just like my hair that i
used to have and i had the white tape around the handlebars i'll tell you what
happened i went to
the um to see my trainer and when i got in there oh yeah did you take the best
mat in the gym yes
and he was finishing up with another client and she had her daughter there who's
like four years old and
she's so cute so i said oh you want to see pictures of my baby and so i was
showing her pictures of the
baby and then she saw a picture of you with the baby and she goes who's that
and i said oh that's um
her daddy that's my husband and she goes oh okay she goes why doesn't he have
any hair who said that
the kid the kid the poor girl and i said well you know sometimes when people
get older you know their
hair starts to come out and so he just decided to cut it off because he didn't
want it just to be
falling out and i think it looks better this way and she was like yeah that's
true
that was it it was so cute why did i need to know that that wasn't cute i
already feel bad enough
about myself do you know how many kids have looked at me and said you're ugly
in my life how many at
least six no i swear to god even when i had hair no yeah children and children
are honest i know what all
you adults are doing you're just being nice to me maybe you deserve that bone
and ribeye and just
give me the part yeah yeah ugly piece of get out of here i didn't mean it like
that um yeah cute story
nia oh jesus yeah yeah hey i met this girl the other day and i showed her a
picture of you and she
was like hey why is her butt so big and i was like well you know your butt isn't
big all right but now i'm
gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna you're gonna laugh at that and i'm gonna pay for that
comment forever
right you can just you can just eviscerate me first of all i didn't say
anything it was the child
that said it so i don't know why you're making up some scenario where someone's
insulting like
my looks that's not a child and for the record my ass might be big but it's
like
perfect so it is it's why i married you it certainly wasn't certainly wasn't
the other end
that other end i have no problem with it see it's your yap that drives me up
the wall
all right whatever why why do i try to make a point why do i try to get ahead
you know what
i mean it's just like bill you're losing okay you're at a casino and the house
always wins and the house is
your wife so just cash in your chips and go back to the goddamn room anyways
let's get back to the nhl playoff
congratulations to the expansion tampa bay lightning
i don't hate you guys because i love steve eisenman and i know he's in your
front office so i'm happy for him
all right okay having said that you guys were the better team no matter how bad
the officiating was
it was bad for both sides um and no matter what i think you guys still you just
were a better team
you just were a better team no matter what you were going to win but i will say
this this officiating
straight across the board in the nhl playoffs not just arguing for my team has
been really uh unprofessional
really unprofessional there's always a couple of calls here or there but like
it's reminding me of
nba officiating last decade when i called it i said it was fixed i'm not saying
it's fixed this is
coming off more like i feel like it's like did the real refs go on strike and
these are like some
scab refs they pulled out of the crowd um there was just a couple of like look
you know marchand took
that guy's knees out they didn't make a call there which i thought was and uh
you know i know we were
licking people's faces and there's no rule against that yet i can guarantee you
maybe now that the
bruins are knocked out maybe they'll they'll relax but i mean i thought if we
advanced to the next round
they were going to make a quick rule it's going to be called the marchand rule
it's going to be no player
shall kiss lick tongue or in any manner use his facial orifice
to with inappropriate contact there's going to be there's going to be the brad
marchand rule
and someday if i live long enough i will see brad when he's in his 70s on the
nhl network laughing
about it talking about how that rule came about and why he was doing what he
was doing um
it's the most bizarre thing i've ever seen and it was it was it was hilarious
when they went back to the
studio jeremy roenick was it was like it happened to him he's like i would have
immediately gone to the
showers and i was thinking like oh that's great you're a hall of fame player
let's get you off the
ice um i had a buddy of mine actually text me said not even sean avery licked
another player and i was
like yeah well he was too dumb to think of it and he goes well if he's that
dumb why is he married to
a supermodel and i said all right fair enough you got me um anyways but just
you know i mean what the
fuck that guy the guy in tamp like we really needed to win game four so we
could lose in six games i mean
we're still gonna lose the fucking tampa game is his hands off his stick he hauls
mcavoy down behind
his own net behind his own fucking net no call it was it was the most obvious
not only did the announcers
when they went back to the fucking studio even they were like what the fuck
tampa takes i