Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 5-28-18
Uploaded: 2018-05-29T17:52:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-28-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 5-28-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-29. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 5-28-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 28th.
May 28th, 2018. What's going on? How are ya?
Sorry, I just had to cry it out of me.
He kicked him on the motorcycle.
Oh, Jesus.
If only kids knew how to play basketball these days, and I'm actually talking
about the Cavaliers and the Celtics.
If we just played basketball in the end, if we just played basketball, we
actually could have won.
I didn't think we'd win one, two games of that series.
I was just like LeBron James is LeBron James.
If we just fucking played basketball, I didn't see one pick and roll that whole
fucking game.
Maybe I missed it.
I mean, I was having a couple as I was sitting there just watching it.
It's game seven, you know?
Stressing out. I had to take the edge off there.
You know, I was talking to a buddy of mine.
I swear to God, if you take a fucking three-pointer with nobody underneath and
you miss, that should be in the stat sheet as a turnover.
That's all I'm going to say.
Oh, when I was a kid, you fed it down low to the big man.
Jesus Christ.
This is what happens when everybody in the league is a fucking one and done guy.
You know, they never took a physics class or I don't know, ever fucking had a
ruler and fucking measured.
Dude, we would, there was like six minutes left.
We're like down by, I don't know, four, five, six, seven points.
We just start taking threes every time we go down the court, like there was
like five seconds left.
Like the crowd was counting down.
I don't know.
Having said that, I got to tell you right now, LeBron James, in my mind, leapfrog
Kobe Bryant, taking that team to the NBA Finals.
I just, I just think Kobe would have been too, he just didn't have the, he just
didn't have that.
He would just look at everybody on the bench, like the bums they were and be
like, what the fuck?
And would just walk into the front office and be like, I'm not playing with
this shit.
Get me better guys or I'm fucking leaving.
That's, that's how he got his titles.
He was also a beast.
You know, I'm a Celtics fan.
So I always have to shit on him a little bit.
You know what I mean?
It's either me or Shaq.
The black mama.
He's ice cold.
Except when he was crying in the front office.
Jesus, Bill, can you stay on topic?
Sorry.
This has nothing to do with Kobe Bryant.
He's one of the greatest players of all fucking time.
Right.
I'm just a fucking butthurt Celtics fan right now.
Whose team way overachieved.
So I said, I should be happy.
But LeBron James, what the fuck that guy did?
Jesus Christ.
Unbelievable.
Speechless.
I don't know what to say.
And from what I've heard, the Warriors are a little banged up.
They got their game seven tonight.
So, I mean, I guess, you know, as as a fan of basketball and more importantly,
competition.
I have to root for the Cavaliers or the Houston Rockets.
I mean, you just you can't root for a pile on team unless they're playing
another pile on team.
Isn't that how it works?
And admittedly, the Celtics had one in 2008.
I didn't watch that team the whole year.
You know, I watched her in the playoffs.
Then we played the Lakers.
I was like, all right, our pile on team versus your pile on team.
Whatever.
I'll do it.
But congratulations.
Congratulations to the Cleveland Cavaliers.
LeBron James, without a doubt.
I mean, you got I mean, I would put that guy like.
I don't know.
It's hard.
It's hard when you start talking Oscar Robertson, Bill Russell.
I don't know where the fuck he is, but he's past Kobe in the modern era.
I'd have to say that it's him and Jordan.
And I know a lot of you young kids right now who didn't watch Michael Jordan.
You know, you go back and you go on YouTube and you watch his highlights and
that type.
That guy, he literally changed the game.
I can't I can't stress that enough.
Like the game changed.
He didn't dominate the game the way Kobe did.
He literally changed it like, oh, I didn't know you could fucking do that.
I had no idea you could do that.
My only knock against LeBron James is when he fucking blocked that shot and
then just stood there basking in his own amazing, amazing, amazingness or
whatever.
And then the announcer Jackson goes every once in a while.
I said something like every once in a while, you make a play that's so
unbelievable.
You have to stand there and admire it.
And I was sitting there like the oldest old man ever going like that's what's
wrong with this country.
That YOLO fucking yo, I can't even believe how I can't even believe how amazing.
I am the fuck down the court.
You know, you can't really say to help out your teammates.
He had them all in his back.
But just what the fuck was he doing back there?
Standing there for like 20 minutes.
Like, do you understand what that dumb look on his face?
Like he just stopped a scud missile.
You blocked a shot.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I am officially.
This is how old I am.
Okay.
This is how I was actually watching old school TV shows.
And like I turn in 50 next month.
As much as it's fucking with me.
I wouldn't change when I was born.
To live now as a younger person.
And I'm for this simple reason that when I was a kid, this is what a theme song
sounded like on a TV show.
Sounds like a fucking porno.
That's all people playing that.
Come on.
Get to the fucking horns.
Dude, I used to be glued to the wife.
What the fuck?
You knew somebody was getting fucked up.
Those were all fucking people.
You know something?
After they played that theme song, they didn't stand in the studio admiring
what the fuck they just did.
Other than that, I love LeBron James.
I do.
I'm just breaking his fucking balls.
And I also love the city of Cleveland.
And I even still love the city of Cleveland.
Even after about five or six thousand Cleveland Cavalier fans went at me.
Sending me fucking all kinds of shit over social media.
Like they didn't have a Cleveland steamer in their fucking pants.
Whatever the fuck.
I hate those stupid jokes, by the way.
You know what a dirty Sanchez is?
No, I don't.
And keep the joke to yourself.
It's all the same.
It's when you stick your dick in a shit and you shove it up a nose and you go,
God bless you.
But you say it in Spanish.
Those water bubbler jokes.
Those are all jokes for people who don't know how to make a move.
Right?
They just stand there.
Hey, you know what this one's called?
It's when you stick your dick in your fucking pile of cum.
Oh, that gives me douche chills.
I hate.
I always fucking hated those jokes.
Anyways.
Oh, my God.
We used to trash Patrice when he used to do those jokes on stage.
We used to be like, Patrice, you're doing street jokes.
You're doing street jokes.
Anyways.
I'm all over the fucking map here.
Sorry, man.
I'm shaking off a game seven loss.
I was just psyched that we got to the Eastern Conference Finals and all of a
sudden it's like, holy shit, we could actually win this fucking thing.
Then I'm like, and if the Warriors lose to the Rockets, who gives a fuck about
the Rockets?
We always beat the Rockets in the finals.
We beat them in 81 and 86.
We're going to have the trifecta.
Oh, Billy started dreaming.
Anyways.
Those Cleveland fans who were talking all this crazy shit.
All right.
You're lying to yourself if you forgot about that Jason Tatum dunk on LeBron
James.
Okay.
That right there is what's known as the changing of the guard.
Okay.
That was like the first time Shaq started having problems with his big toe.
Like that's the beginning of the end.
Okay.
And a new chapter is coming in and it's dressed in green and white.
All right.
See, this one fucking guy, I trashed him on Twitter.
He gave me some shit and he had a stupid Cavaliers jersey, you know, and his
hat on, you know, with this game seven look on his face.
I said, but he was wearing his seatbelt.
I don't know.
Some Cleveland fans, when they look up in the rafters and they start counting banners,
they forget that an Eastern Conference championship is not an NBA title.
All right.
And a division title banner is literally, that's something you give to a
millennial.
Like, all right, you did something.
I don't know.
I only got like five people gave me shit.
Why am I doing this right now?
Why am I being so childish?
Oh God.
We were right fucking there.
We were right there.
Anyways, and I'm not going to do that dumb shit of like, oh, so-and-so was
there.
You're one fair and square.
Everybody gets hurt.
LeBron's hurt, right?
He's probably all fucked up from carrying those people.
Anyways, congratulations.
That really didn't sound like a congratulatory fucking 10 minutes here.
But that's what I was trying to get to.
Congratulations to Cleveland.
All right.
Even like Eagles fans started giving me shit.
It's just like, dude, you know, are you fucking serious right now?
Good Lord.
Philadelphia?
When did Philly ever start talking shit about sports?
This is what I want all of you guys to do.
What is the championship combination to open your city?
Count your championships.
Ours is 5, 6, 8, 17.
Huh?
That unlocks the safe and all the rings pour out.
What happens in Philly?
Philly is 2, 2, 3, 1.
Go fuck yourselves.
You fucking green cunts.
You hang around long enough, you're going to fucking win one.
That was another one.
This guy was giving me shit.
Going, the Celtics won like 11 championships before there was anybody.
It's like, all right, well, since then, we won six.
Stop talking about the Cavaliers like they're an expansion team.
They've been in the league for almost 50 seasons.
Fucking Miami Heat showed up in 88.
I think they've won more than the Celtics.
Well, they went one.
They've won four.
They've won four.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Why am I trashing cities I don't want to trash?
I don't give a fuck about Philly.
I like Philly.
I like Cleveland.
I like all of this shit.
I'm just fucking, you know, it still stinks that I lost.
Like I said, I wish.
I don't even fucking hate the Yankees anymore.
You can't hate them.
They're all basically, they added one free agent.
Other than that, it's their whole team.
It's just, I think I hate the Lakers the most.
Just because I live out here.
You know?
I'd say that was, yeah, probably just because I live out here.
And then Canadian fans.
But they're just, you know, chasing their own fucking tails.
So they don't even matter anymore.
I don't know.
I guess I'm just not mad anymore.
I mean, I'm still mad, but I guess it probably is childhood issues.
Wow.
Why the fuck do I even watch sports?
All right, guys.
I'm going to end this podcast, and I just had an epiphany.
None of this matters.
Anyways, I'm fucking with you.
God damn it.
Oh, God.
Oh, oh, oh.
Game seven stink.
Game seven loss stinks.
It really stinks.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I mean, I haven't watched GMB in so long.
I know I watched the Celtics like all last season.
I watched them.
And I just cannot get over running down the court and just fucking stopping.
And your teammates haven't even settled and just pulling up and taking a three
and just not getting yanked out of the fucking game.
The only thing that makes that okay is the other teams are doing it.
It's like watching this high-skilled, like, game at the YMCA.
You know, there's no plays.
Everybody just met each other.
You know, you just fucking trying to burn calories.
All right, Bill.
Let it go.
Okay.
I'll let it go.
I'll let it go.
How badass is that fucking theme song?
It's from the streets of San Francisco, by the way.
I've been trying to find the original one, but the only best I can find is the
Henry Mancini version of it.
That was the heyday of the white cop chasing the minority actor down the street
and the only role that he was going to get that decade.
You know, they should they should go back and they should do a documentary on
all those fucking guys.
You know, like, who has the record?
Like, what black actor in the 70s had the record for the most times he did a
scene where he was running down an alley being chased by the cops?
You know, when you 