Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 6-4-18
Uploaded: 2018-06-04T19:10:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-4-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-4-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-04. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 6-4-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the uh monday morning
podcast for monday june
4th 2018 what's going on how are you how you doing latty i'm in dublin dublin ireland
um
i've been on a fucking plane for i don't know how long uh we left lax and uh
what we're supposed
to leave in the afternoon and then uh there was some problem with the hydraulics
they backed the
fucking thing up they pulled it forward they backed it up they pulled it
forward like you
know two and a half hours later we finally left which is all good because you
know as don rickles
says in casino rather you know it's better down here than you know up there
right um so i was just
sitting on the fucking plane and uh they didn't give us any food they got a
little cup of water
that was it two and a half hour delay nothing no food no drinks or anything and
all i was thinking
i was on air france there i was like this is how these fucking people stay so
skinny
you know they just leave you on there they don't feed you nothing
um so anyways but i kept my mind occupied i was transcribing a pantera song
i get into shit you know i fucking eats up all the time um rather than sitting
there i either do that
or i play solitaire on my phone had somebody get me a deck of cards they're
like you know you can
just get an app for that i'm like that is really a lot easier isn't it plus i
feel you win a lot more
with the app you know because it wants you to keep playing or a deck of cards
they don't give a
shit they're just one and done they got your money they're done that fucking
solitaire game though
don't get it don't get it because they got like 50 fucking ads every time they
shuffle the cards every
time you win a game every time you move your hand they got like another ad they
put the x in a
different spot every time if you don't really hit the x then it goes to another
fucking page
you know so somebody gets credit for a look a viewing a click i don't know i
don't i don't
pretend to understand these things so anyways um this podcast is going to be uh
all over the place i'm
going to tell you that right now because uh i was debating whether or not to do
it uh before i left
and i was like well don't do it before you leave it'd be more exciting if
people hear you talk to
yourself in a different country that'll add a new fucking flavor um they get me
in this crazy room
oh shit my room service hang on a second
jesus christ all right i just ate my fucking room service and i put on the news
over here
it's just like the news back home all depressing shit guy got caught with a gun
though but this is
the difference between the u.s and ireland it was a 38 smith and wesson with
five rounds of ammunition
when they said what kind of gun it was and how much ammunition was there i
almost went aww
how fucking hilarious is that um yeah nothing but gloom and doom
31 people were killed today when a tractor went off its fucking rails in the
house head heard
a fucking volcano erupted down in guatemala and she but how about how it's you
know great accents and
everything but just all depressing shit
a grandmother was laid to rest today
when she was found half beaten by her cat
their fifth weekend of irish stool
um
sorry i'm fucking punch drunk
i fucking just ordered this shit ordered blt not the most healthiest thing
there was no bacon in it
it's that uh rest of the world bacon you know where it looks like ham
but it has the consistency of fucking blood
it was delicious
and i ordered the side salad i specifically said side salad
no fucking potatoes right
and they still brought me french fries
i i have the side salad but you know how it is
if you see fucking french fries sitting there and there's a salad
right
the salad that's the plain jane girl next door
you want to fuck that big-titted whore up the street
right
you're gonna go after that cup of potatoes
some fucking mayonnaise
mayonnaise over here
you can't you can't have the ketchup over here
although they brought up some Heinz
european ketchup sucks
it's all natural
their yogurt sucks
it's also all natural
you know
i can't even get through a cup of it
all right
if i'm not like
got you know at least four cups of sugar
in an eight ounce thing of yogurt
like that's not yogurt to me
um
a 31 year old was found with a little wee little pistol
with five pounds of ammunition
the town was so shaken up
they took the night off to go out and go drink
um
this has been the irish news
um anyways
where the fuck am i here
i'm in dublin
why did i just write berlin
as my password
what a fucking idiot
i really am dumb
why do you guys listen to this
i mean i appreciate that you listen to it
but i really question you sometimes
um
greatest thing about ireland by the way
it's going through customs
now granted
i i look like a fucking leprechaun
you know
an older one
who's getting a little bald
all right
i look like a leprechaun's uncle
okay
they just let you in
no work papers
no nothing
the guy's like
what are you doing here laddie
and i was like
i'm doing a show
all by yourself
i was like
yep
and he's like
all right
have a good one
stamp
welcome to the country
you know
the other place you go to
you get that fucking guy
who looks like he's in the born identity
looking you up and down
and you just start thinking
why
you're making me feel like
i have drugs in my ass right now
you know
like i'm a mule
so i'm here
god damn it
hang on a second
all right
sorry
a little congested
from the goddamn flight
you know
sleeping in that recliner
um
whenever you fall asleep
on an airplane
you're always like
this must be what it's like
to be in a loveless marriage
you know
where you just don't want to go upstairs
because your wife's in bed
and you just
watch tv
till you fall asleep
and you're just laying there
and that fucking lazy boy
you know
or you've been married so long
that like
i don't want to go up the stairs
you just sleep right on the couch
doing that shit all night
um
i actually had a dream
i couldn't fucking breathe
i have that dream
i don't know
i don't do well on airplanes
i watched the 250
greatest goals in soccer
and uh
you know
there was some nice ones
there was some pretty pedestrian ones
but i think it was also
because it's so fucking hard to score
and you also said
the top 250
250
like who has the fucking time to
i'm glad somebody did it
it took like
it was
it was
the perfect soccer highlight reel
for an american
i got to sit there for like 24 minutes
and watch nothing but goals
you know
i bet goalies hate that fucking highlight reel
it's like a fucking snuff film to them
you know
you know what's great
i have noticed about soccer
is when you score
and you blast it
by the goalie
high on either side
it's
they jump out of the water
like a fucking swordfish
it looks like
you know
not out of the water
they jump up
like a swordfish
coming out of the water
and what's amazing
is rather than just
jumping up
and fucking trying to block it
they always have to
turn around
and watch it go in the net
you know
it's like the matrix
don't you think
you could jump a little higher
if you weren't so goddamn concerned
you know where the fuck it's going
if it got by you
you know where it is
you know
you can hear the crowd
you fucking piece of shit
right
you know when it
they're always fucking looking
it's goddamn soccer goalies
they're a nosy group of people
I missed it
where's it going
right
in the back of the net
you know
actually I didn't even look
are there like safety nets
or anything behind
has anybody ever died
somebody blasts the ball
misses the net
and then hits some fucking
kid in the face
that's the only thing
that was missing
from the Irish news
oh wee little daddy
went down to the pitch
took a fucking soccer ball
to the old noggin
he'll be laid to rest
half six
tomorrow morning
that'd be a really early
fucking funeral
um
get it over with
we're all fucking pasty
over here
the only thing worse
than burying your son
after he got hit in the face
on the pitch
is getting a fucking sunburn
my accent
I can't do the Irish accent
my wife reminded me
of that guy
that met me
at the airport
when I was in Scotland
remember that
that story
I get off
and the guy had the sign
he had my name on
and I came walking up
I'm like hey
and he just goes
Bulla Wollum
I'm like what
you prefer
Bulla Wollum
he was saying
do you prefer
Bill or William
Bulla Wollum
Bulla Wollum
um
how much
Jesus Christ
this has only been
10 minutes
fuck
oh man
I should have
called in sick
um
you know what
I always mean to do
when I go to Dublin
is to take a tour
of the
the Guinness factory
you know
I'm not
I'm not big
on going to fuck
on tours
I don't want to hear
about
oh the Guinness family
they
they
fucking
you know
they first made
their first
I don't care
just get to the part
where I get my pint
you know
oh but here's where
we put the hops
and then the hops
go in the big hopper
over here
and then they stir them up
old Seamus
gets on a bicycle
that's got some paddles on it
and he goes
he wheels around
I'm gonna keep my voice
down
people think I'm really
disrespecting Irish people
right now
um
this giant
fucking Queen Elizabeth
fuck
he's sitting in a big room
like the ceilings
are like
this is like
for Shaq or something
um
but I never end up
fucking getting down there
um
it's kind of stupid though
right
I mean
I bet I could go online
and just see a video
I know what it tastes like
kind of a degenerate
alcoholic
are you
that you know
there's a bunch of booze
I like
I'm not gonna go there
and see how they make it
salivating the whole tour
getting the fucking shakes
oh man
wouldn't you like
to just dive in there
a 17 year old
fell into a vat
of Guinness
he dove in
because he was burned
from a volcano
in Guatemala
he could have jumped
in the ocean
in Guatemala
but he was Irish
so he took the pain
all the way back to London
because he didn't want
to inconvenience anybody
with his own emotions
um
I'm gonna fucking
have fun over here man
uh
this is gonna be
a good time
my show's tomorrow night
at the
the three arena
I don't know what
that stands for
sounds like some
Illuminati shit to me
was it the three banks
that are left
in all of Europe
are they part of
the European Union here
who decided to leave
was it Brussels
no
was it Berlin
no
was it Great Britain
I knew it was Brexit
so I'd try to guess
all the BR ones
I spell Berlin
I preempt the R
Berlin
um
just to be interesting
you know
just to try to keep it
fresh globally
you know
um
anyways
uh
how about those
fucking Washington
capitals
I'll say it again
how about
those fucking
Washington capitals
tell you right now
if I'm a fan
of the Vegas Knights
I gotta be thinking
when is my
when is our
adjustment
to their adjustment
going to happen
all right
I'm gonna go out
okay this is basically
what happened
okay the capitals
whatever the fuck
Vegas was doing
in game one
the capitals
adjusted to it
in game three
I did not see an answer
by the Vegas Knights
okay
as far as my limited
knowledge of math
goes
they better
fucking respond
in game four
or this series
gonna be
fucking
over
you know
Vetchkin's gonna be
on the cup
it's gonna be great
either way
it's an incredible
it's gonna be great
I mean
I'm rooting for the
capitals
because of
Josh Adam
Myers
and
you know
and they
plus everybody
down there
they've been
waiting since 1974
the Redskins suck
the Nationals
you know
I don't
you know
they used to be
the Senators
they had the Senators
twice they left
one time they became
the fucking Texas Rangers
another time they became
the Minnesota Twins
then the fucking
Expos came down
as the Nationals
and they still
haven't won a title
you know
they're on their
third fucking marriage
actually the Senators
did win a title
in like the 1920s
I think
you know
they went to the
fucking White House
I think George Washington
was still there
when they showed up
his fucking wooden teeth
they had to sit there
and listen to some
boring story
how he said
they made a bat
they made teeth
out of his fucking
bats he had as a kid
how much do you