Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 6-11-18
Uploaded: 2018-06-11T19:01:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-11-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-11-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-11. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 6-11-18

hey what's going on it's bill burns time for the monday morning podcast for
monday
june 11th 2018. what's going on how are you uh how's everybody doing i'm a old
man
50 year old i remember when podcasting started back in 2005. i just want to
throw
that out there because i know there's gonna be a bunch of old podcast people
going um actually
podcasting has been around in japan since 1958 and i started my podcast like
four years before
yours and i don't understand why mine doesn't get as many many hits as yours
does on whogivesafuck.com
i actually look at the numbers every week and i feel that my podcast due to the
content that i'm
i'm providing compared to what he's doing shut the up i love people look at
that podcast
numbers you notice everybody seems to be in the top 10. everybody you know it's
like i've talked
about this before it's like uh it's like back when i used to do college gigs
every college i went to
somehow they figured out a way to fudge the numbers that they were number one
in something
you know the number one uh school for mathematics the number one school for
engineering doesn't that
have mathematics in it i don't know right and then it would just so you get
down to a community college
and they'd be the the number one commuter college uh you know with the best
deal with triple a or some
i don't know somehow they were number one or something you got to hang your hat
on something if you're a
college to try and get people to go there if i if i was a a dean do they have
deans at like community
colleges i would just i would go on tv and say listen why the would you go four
years
when you can only pay two years you know you want to go to harvard fine all you
have to go is your
junior and senior year go your freshman and sophomore year over us over us we
are number one
in being 10 times less per year than harvard you got the grades you know you're
in come on down
teach us dummies my dumb students how to wear loafers with no socks whatever
the it is you smart
people do do your freshman and sophomore year here translate translate transfer
over to harvard and there
you go and you can graduate from harvard whatever their school song is
what is their school song my dad is rich and i did real bad in school but he
has money so i'm here
now let's say that's the stereotype that's not true i knew i knew uh i knew one
kid in my high school
he got into harvard and he did it with grades and no social life he made the
sacrifices the rest of us
didn't want to do it you know like that little fable there with the ants saving
all the food
and the other animals like hey man i'm just jumping around having a good time
you know you know who wrote that story i bet somebody who couldn't who was
really socially
awkward at a party so he was looking at the was it a rabbit tortoise in the
hair that's not the story
i don't know what it is but it didn't you know people who aren't outgoing they
they get
annoyed by people who are outgoing who are out there having a good time talking
some
shit hooking up right singing songs being the life of the party they stand on
the side in the wall
and they they write scripts you know so that's why now i don't know what the
happened back in the
day used to have cool people movies now every cool person has this underlying
insecurity that they're
trying to overcompensate for that's all writer i think you know some people
just are
the life of the party so anyways now that i'm a senior citizen
i banged out 54 push-ups on my birthday oh boy and then immediately just
collapsed onto the
carpet and was like out of breath like i ran 54 flights of stairs but i did it
man i did it i don't
know what it means it still means i'm 50 but it made me feel pretty good about
myself
um i had a great birthday i want to thank my lovely wife um she surprised me
with tickets to the french
open roland garros bonjour to le monde um we we went there and i got to see uh
what the
fuck's this is his name there he's only one left he just won his 11th rafael
nadal that's right i'm not
the biggest tennis guy and i knew that he had won this thing a couple times i
didn't realize he'd
already won the french open he'd already won it 10 times and i saw him win his
11th and what's really
interesting is that guy um he won in 05 06 07 08 and then federer won in 09
then he won it in 10 11 12 13
and 14. so he won it four years in a row missed a year and then won it five
years in a row and then
two years 15 and 16 he didn't win it so people probably all thought all right
his run is over
he's one of the greats of all time but now that he's older blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah
and he fucking comes back last year and this year to go back to back again
winning 11. and i was
talking to somebody last night we were trying to say how what what do you
compare that to
in a different sport you know you can't really say it's like winning an nba
championship because
there's only one of those where with tennis majors there's there's four so it's
like they have four
sort of super bowls so we kind of said i guess you'd have to go to golf compare
it to golfers where um
you know there's four majors in that sport i don't know i was kind of saying
well maybe it's
like lebron going to the nba finals eight nine years in a row and it's like
well no because this
guy actually won the thing um i can't believe people give him lebron after
losing to them they
people forget so quickly you know how ridiculous it was that kevin durant went
to the warriors and
then the very you know and then he wins the championship people like what the
and then
you just kind of say oh this is how it is this is just how it is like when they
first put like little
fucking tvs in the back of uh caps and people like get these things the out of
there they're making me car sick they're like all right and then later on they
just put them back
in again and nobody said oh yeah i guess this is just how i guess this is just
how it is right
um all right uh i don't know where the i was going with that uh tennis golf
major
shit but i mean just the fact that this guy won 11 in a row and i basically got
to see on my birthday
the greatest um i guess you'd have to say the greatest player ever on clay i
got to see him i got
to see the wayne gretzky the bobby or a tennis and uh he was playing this other
kid and uh he broke
him his first game of both sets and the kid had a bunch of unforced errors and
uh you know you could
see he kept that the the guy who lost it seemed like he was a kid and he just
had to go there
experience it lose make a bunch of unforced errors for the next time when he
comes back
and in the end right this english dude comes out who won the french open uh i
don't know
from the way he was talking was like late 50s early 60s and he came out to say
a bunch of
great about rafael nadal and then when he talked about the other kid he was
just like going you know
we would have liked to see more we'd like to say more tennis and uh i'm sure he's
uh a little
disappointed in his game today as were the rest of us and everybody's just
sitting there going like dude
you didn't need to say that i couldn't tell if the guy was nervous and he just
sort of talked himself
into a corner and he meant to say um he has nothing to be disappointed about i
don't know
what i'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but everybody's just kind
of sitting there like
yeah i kind of uh kind of put a damper on things how many minutes have i done
here right sorry
i got the bootleg recorder here um which i have on my stomach too so if you
start hearing grumbling i
apologize um anyways um i was able to watch
game uh was it game three of the nba finals when i was in london at about two
in the morning i was able
to watch and i was able to watch oh my god the washington capitals win the stanley
cup through
josh adam myers because i couldn't get it on my phone because i couldn't
remember my password from
um you know my cable company i could have just gone on to nbc sports and just
sat there and watched it
but my my daughter and my wife were sleeping so i was laying a bed what in bed
wide awake with the lights
out just hitting refresh on my phone looking at the score and uh when there was
a few minutes left i
text josh adam myers and he goes dude he goes well it he was the one telling me
just just going to nbc
sports and of course it didn't work out for me because i knew my password and
he goes well call me
up i'll answer my computer i'll facetime it or some so i said all right but
here's the thing i'm gonna be
in the dark and i can't say anything because my my daughter's sleeping in the
same room and everything
so he goes all right call me so i snuck into the bathroom lights still out
because the only way to
turn on the lights in that hotel room is i had to have the bathroom door open
which would have woke
my kid up so i'm sitting in there like a dark in the dark like a creep the only
thing that's lighting
me up is off of my phone it looked like a horror movie and josh was just
laughing at me and he's like
can you see it can you see it and i just put my pasty white hand up to the
screen giving the thumbs up
and i actually watched the final three minutes of the stanley cup um and i have
to tell you uh this
guy on the internet put it best he said he's talking about alexander ovechkin
he goes i don't can't
remember the last time i was this happy for a complete stranger um that was
watching the capitals win was
everything that you watch sports for it's everything that i love about sports
and um
you know anybody that says you know russian players don't give a about the stanley
cup just all they
need to do is just watch him walking around with that thing in vex and how cool
is it like they actually
you know it would have been great if they wanted a home obviously but like if
you're gonna win it on the
road las vegas has to be the place you want to be if you're gonna go party
right and um
i say it every year the stanley cup is the greatest
fucking championship trophy in all of sports simply because there's only one
and you grow up as a kid watching all your heroes hoisting that thing up and
when you in
the million to one odds whatever the it is that you actually win it when you hoist
that thing up
you're holding the same cup you know maurice richard gordy howe bobby or wayne
gretzky mark messier
mario lemieux all of these greats the same cup eisenman all of those guys you
hoist that
thing up said there you know chara right thrice i had to throw another brown in
there um
it's the coolest thing ever you know however i would not drink out of it i can
tell you that right
now because there's been enough guys who've uh you know over the years hockey
former hockey players
that have told stories about some of the that happens to the stanley cup uh he
goes yeah and one
of them i vaguely remember somebody saying i would not drink out of that thing
there's stories of strippers sitting in the top of the thing and bending it or
some like that
um i don't know and then each player gets it for like a week it's so crazy so
crazy and then there's
this guy there's got to be a movie about that sometime the poor bastard who has
to follow the
cup around all year somebody must have done a documentary on it vaguely
remember seeing some
like that where you got to follow what you know go up to a titty bar in saskatoon
whatever the cup ends up for the week um but anyways congratulations to the washington
capitals and their
first stanley cup championship in uh what is it 44 years 45 seasons um and as i
tweeted another great
thing is uh nhl has another great hockey city in las vegas and after all those
years of picking these
cities that just you know there was the initial excitement and then it just
kind of fizzled um
they kind of hit a home run in nashville and las vegas and i got a feeling that
seattle's gonna be huge
just because those fans are maniacs you know and i'm sure they'll build a
stadium to make them