Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-14-18
Uploaded: 2018-06-14T19:57:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-14-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-14-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-14. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-14-18

Bonjour tout le monde et bienvenue à le jeudi après-midi just avant vendredi
podcast de lundi
matin et je just checking in so what's up motherfuckers bonjour uh je m'appelle
guillaume
et je suis dans le paris and i'm a little buzzed i'm not gonna lie to you i had
a couple uh
um what the fuck do you say afterwards when they come back uh um le même chose
uh monsieur or
whatever the fuck i don't know you know the reason why i'm not completely shit
face right now is
because i have a kid uh that's another good reason for becoming a parent it's
not because you want to
raise a good person and experience a level of love amor that you've never felt
before it's really
because you've failed in your own attempts at sobriety and you're too much of a
loner and
you're too anti-social to ever go to aa that's the time to have l'enfant to
have a kid a baby right
oui ah oui that means yeah ah yeah ah oui you said thing oui you sound like
some dumb tourist right
um you know what's funny over here is i've been just fucking torturing these
people with my french
and i don't give a fuck when they start speaking english back to me i don't
switch over i'm gonna
fucking sit there and search for the word and you're gonna sit there and
fucking take it like you have
the biggest fucking moron ever sitting across from you on the ten thousand
dollar pyramid and the
clock's ticking and you ain't winning mad baby um
i fucking love it over here i love the people i love the food i i could
literally lose the next 20
years of my life staying over here pretending that i'm an intellectual there's
just something about
getting shit-faced in a cafe you just don't feel like you know we don't do it
right in america we
they make you go inside where it's all dark and you gotta hunch down and
fucking it takes you like 20
minutes just for your eyes to adjust to see if there's anybody else in there
right the person you've been
hitting on is a him or a her a man or a sir here comes pat um out here they let
you be a drunk in
public you just sit there on the side of the street right and you fucking sit
there with the sport coat
on a little pocket square and you you if you feel like you're reading
i have not improved myself at all as a human being over here and i could not be
having more fun
i've eaten a fucking baguette every goddamn day uh i've gone to no museums i
went to the notre dame
ah way i went over there finally i was just we went over there go let's take a
fucking picture
and what i love about my laugh mon proper femme is that uh she doesn't give a
shit about that stuff
either i told you that story when we went to le louvre right and we did what
everybody who doesn't give a
about art does we went in there we were like hey fuck the other 900 million
square feet of art
where is the monolise mona lisa right and they told us where it was and we went
in there we like
there it is a little bit bigger than a stamp you good i'm good let's get the
fuck out of here and
that was it that's it we left i don't know how we got out of there but we i don't
remember the exact
directions okay but we just got out of there and uh you know when we were
coming into down
uh which i used to know that word um i wish i could have taken a video if i was
ever teaching
a class on creativity okay first of all who the fuck would ever have me teach
anything and secondly
where do i get off acting like i'm creative i'm a curmudgeon and i'm good at
criticizing
shit all right however i'm going to criticize this there was like fucking i
think i already talked about
this we would passing in front of uh uh the louvre and uh there's that stupid
fucking glass pyramid that
they made that i think a lot of parisians didn't like you know they don't like
anything new anything
new is fucking you know i don't know i don't know what they call it uh vulgar
that's one of the best
insults ever you know to describe something you just did unless someone just
said a bunch of f bombs
then it's it's whatever but if you'd like to make fun of somebody's shirt the
design of it and
described it as vulgar um i don't know it's about as deep as it gets for
someone who doesn't curse i
think right someone wears a sport coat on stage right standing up there like
johnny carson still
hosting the tonight show and they're working on their five-minute set i don't
fucking know um anyways
we were driving through you cut through and a duat is a bunch of fucking taurus
all standing up having
somebody else take their picture as they pretend to be like holding the top of
the pyramid i swear
to god we drove by and there was like nine people all doing it at the same time
you know and if i was
ever uh le professor i would take a video of that and he'd go you see this shit
right here
if you want to be create don't do that there's a difference between being
inspired
by seeing somebody doing something and then just going up and doing exactly
what the fuck they're
doing you know it's still going to be a great picture but what's going to
happen is that's going
to be the fucking hacky thing that you do right until somebody switches it up
and this is what
kills me there's going to be one person that switches up what you do with
yourself in the
foreground of that stupid fucking glass pyramid in front of the louvre right
and if it gets enough
hits and lols and uh oh my god this is the greatest instagram photo ever then
everybody will do that
you know i don't know someone will plank on it if people remember that moment
of creativity
laying face down on something i'm not laying face down and not doing anything i'm
planking
oh jesus bill a couple of beers and you become even more cuntier huh why don't
you order a side
order of tampons there um anyways i resent the fact that i have to still do
these things all
right i'm on vacation do you go to work when you're on vacation i don't think
you do
um my relatives came out to that show when i was in england and they bought me
a bottle i don't know
why but they have salted caramel oh my god cocoa vodka liqueur
and um it's just been sitting here staring at me and i gotta be honest with you
i'm just
wondering i gotta know what that hangover feels like it's like you ever watch
one of those as far
as hangovers go you ever watch oh sounds like it's almost nap time you ever
hear you ever watch one
of those things on like what the the army ranger training or naval navy seal
training yeah this is
like the hang like you think you had a fucking hangover like you think you're
out there right you
think you're working out doing your little crossfit shit and running up down
the street while i sit
there in a fucking cafe getting hammered wearing my little sport coat you know
like you're fucking
showing me up like i'm impressed with you and you think you're a badass um then
you watch that
shit you watch what fucking army rangers and all those special force people
right i mean just next
level fucking people that matt damon plays in a movie you know what i mean not
the people that
get applause as they trudge through the airport and their fatigues to go sit
into a cubicle to order
grenades that they're never gonna throw these are the fucking people that a-list
movie stars play right
well this bottle here this is like i don't know if this is the fucking this
hangover right
you know when they lift up that fucking log those army rangers and there's like
fucking 20 of them
and then when somebody fucking falls over and pukes and they got to pick up
their own puke and take
it outside the zone and then they're out and now there's 19 of you and then you
got to hold up his
weight whatever that fucking metaphor is oh my god you know how fast i would be
out of that pit
i would just like dude i need my back for the rest of my life okay and i don't
need the pressure
if everybody else is defending on me and i'm the weak link in the chain i
understand this i'm barely
surviving standing out here in the sun forget about going over there and
picking up a telephone pole
with nine other people who have the genetics of a pit bull okay i don't i'm a
lap dog okay i'm the
kind of dog that could go on a plane before they had that where you could say
oh
this thing is like helping me emotionally um i don't know i don't even want to
talk about
did that fill up enough time fuck nine minutes this is like when i'm bombing on
stage and i'm like
oh god i just gotta end this set i gotta do a half hour it's gotta be like 28
minutes right nine minutes
i'm gonna have a fucking material um so anyways we are staying uh in the uh
these what if i'm gonna
tell you what the fuck we got there'll be some weirdo somehow we'll find me
then i gotta
fucking sit there and answer questions about how to start a podcast in paris
excuse me uh how you say um olympus lsd um anyways plowing ahead so uh my condolence
to my fellow
americans right now uh if you're not into baseball because that's the only game
in town baby and don't
even talk to me about the w and nba i know it's much better the level of play
is much better i understand
that okay but that's like uh you know it's very rare ufc did it ufc ufc did it
and they went not
only did they start after the big four big three really and then hockey comes
along but when you wait
you wait until they add seattle you wait till they add seattle and all those
fucking rain drenched
lumberjacks okay who are tired of all of those fucking ridiculous hairy
fucking muffs up there have another thing that they can focus their attention
on you wait till
the nhl is going to start nipping at the heels of uh i'm gonna say baseball i'm
gonna go with baseball
all right they built a bunch of new stadiums the steroid error is over and they're
just sort of
settling into like this is what we do you know if i were the owners in the mlb
right now i would say
all right we need some sort of synthetic fucking steroid all right we'll do it
just like the
pharmaceutical companies did with heroin okay we'll make a synthetic version of
steroids and we'll just
sort of leak it into uh i don't know sunflower seeds and then all of a sudden
all the fucking numbers are
going to start going up right i mean didn't you like wrestling better when
everyone was on roids
i mean if they just would just let them work a five-day work week you know not
work them into
the ground where they die i mean roy's are great aren't they at this point don't
they have them like
it like the you know like weed you can have like the uh what do they call that
thing there the little
mister there you know little weed aroma thing you can buy the do you call that
thing breathalyzer
no not a breathalyzer that's for drinking and driving bill um you should see
what the
breathalyzer looked like when i took it at the police station when i got busted
for drinking driving
almost 30 years ago it looked like a bagpipe in a mixed with a douchebag it's
just giant rubber hose
do i blow into it now we're just puffing out my cheeks trying not to blow into
it because i knew i
knew i had a big number i knew i had a number that even if i had f lee fucking
bailey i wasn't getting
out of it you know might have to have a last name like bush kennedy one of
those fucking royalty names
one of those regal fucking names that everybody in england refuses to recognize
that not only are they on par with the royal family i would dare say that they're
a little
bit beyond we're taking callers um by the way i want to thank the country of ireland
all right for coming up with fucking jumpers all right this thing has been the
late night in paris
walking around smoking a cigar you know with my stupid brian johnson acdc hat
on i really look like
the old man that i am and uh i'm enjoying it you know god i was thinking this
morning laying in bed
not being able to sleep i was thinking back to some when i was a kid and i was
thinking like oh my god
that's like 45 years ago 45 years ago was 1973. now in 1973 if i ran into a 50
year old guy and he said i was
here 45 years ago what year would that b