Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 6-18-18
Uploaded: 2018-06-18T18:01:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-18-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 6-18-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-18. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 6-18-18

ah oui bonjour tout le monde bienvenue
to the monday morning podcast for lundi um june uh 18 2018 what's going on how
are you
how's your monday treating you over there in the states uh i got my last couple
of days over here
in paris i'm psyched to come back i'm sad that it's over i had a wonderful time
thank you to
everybody over here that put up with my my horrible french you know i know i
just i just i just stayed
in the i punished them with it this time okay and if they didn't like it
somebody taught me something
to say to them just say ah va tu fais on coulée that means go yourself va tu
fais un cool culet culet c'est un cue uh un culet un culet va tu faire un culet
monsieur
oui you vous je parlais à vous va tu faire un culet monsieur
you got to throw in the mr still be polite you know what i mean you can tell
somebody to go
themselves over here but when you're wearing a scarf you got to throw the
monsieur you know so you don't
seem like an animal all right oh i learned that you know that's the hardest one
to say to say street
right over here it's r-u-e rue but you got to go oh oh oh sound on our aim is
you our way
on to fay on cool yay on q day on q day i'll get it i'll get it done i'll learn
how to say go
yourself in a new language all right um before we get started a very special
thanks to a very
special person and a wonderful comedian um and and equally as well a human
being mr tom rhodes
for hooking me up he found out i was in paris and he was like are you still
there i said oui
he said ah monsieur you need to go to this patisserie they have the best
sandwiches and
blah blah blah blah and god damn it the man was right best sandwiches i've had
over here
maybe top two or three sandwiches i've ever had in my life and then i had uh
what are those little
macarons those little fucking cookies they made a giant one it was pistachio it
was
fucking incredible you know when food's so good you start having tourette's as
you're eating it just
like oh fuck shit all right i was doing that it was unbelievable fucking eating
this um looking around
for people that to let them know you know now i know what you're gonna say what's
the name of it
bill what is the name of the patisserie over there in parry and i only have one
thing to say
to you far too fair on culet i'm not fucking telling you because i i don't want
to i don't like standing
in lines all right become a fucking comedian befriend tom rhodes and maybe he'll
tell you
okay but what i ate today was was magic all right and i've been enough around
enough magicians in this
business to know that you never reveal the trick okay tom rhodes showed me the
trick okay it's his
trick it's his fucking it's his joint oh my god it was fucking unbelievable i
walked a mile and a
half over there and and back it's my workout in the morning i just go i go for
a brisk walk you know
i'm starting to learn how to use those little places where people jog along the
seine uh i go down
there so i don't have to deal with the the giant groups of people crossing the
street to go to the
notre dame i actually actually went in the um we went in that church and i'm
glad i did it the line moves
really quickly you go in there you're like wow this is echo echo this is huge
this is scary these statues um
not a lot of positive messages in them a lot of misery a lot of death a lot of
weeping but um i
think that that's just sort of the vibe back then i mean people just people
died back then you know not
like to not today people just they lived for ever you know what i mean at my
age i see somebody died 70
i was like ah what happened what did he eat no it's too soon dude back then you
you went outside
and like a mosquito bit you and then your whole village died the second you
sneezed everybody was just
done you know and uh i believe it was some pompous that said uh art imitates
life so if everybody
over there is dying and you're really good with your hands when you get the
clay in it there
what do you think you're gonna make you're gonna make some miserable statues
you know
i'll tell you these these these people around here walking around these pasty
white kids thinking that
they're goth okay with their black nails and lipstick and all of that let me
tell you something you got
nothing on some of these statues there in in the notre dame
so you know what i have to say to all you goth kids out there
on to fae i'm gonna
to uncle i it up every time whatever that's what you do you just punish people
with punish people with
your fucking i ran into some guy with a file i forget where the fuck i was some
guy from uh washington
not dc the state right and uh and he was talking about trying to learn french
over here he's living
over here he said it's brutal man he goes they just you know you try to speak
it to them and then they
just start speaking english and i told him i said i go punish him with it i don't
give a
shit if they they do the whole thing in english you stay you stay in the pocket
right stay on target
that star wars shit did i tell you guys that why actually on the plane i
watched uh one of these plane
rides i took i watched the one of those um one of those star wars movies um laura
durn f is for
families laura durn was in it um the woman who played princess leia i believe
it was the last movie she
did before unfortunately she passed away uh i don't know who else was in a
bunch of young people
all right kids kids to me kids to me are under the age of 39 at this point and
uh i i i really enjoyed it
and i'd like to apologize to uh anybody i might have offended at comic-con um i
don't remember what
the movie was called oh there was a uh luke scott mark hamill was in it right
and at the end of the
movie right i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding like you nerds haven't watched
it nine million times
you know weeping into a potato sack whatever you know i liked how he was
wearing the ben kenobi
um like you know it really the messages in star wars you know that if you
actually live a righteous life
you know that there's really no money in it the way the whole game's set up and
you end up in like a
burlap sack for a bathrobe just living by yourself you know making rocks levitate
you know for tourists
whatever the fuck it is he was doing on that island but if if you sell your
fucking soul to the dark side
you know you get that dope ass outfit that fucking darth vader had you know
that looks like some
what's his face what a design who's the who's the designer over here in france
he used to be fat
and now he isn't and all he does is on fat people and he won't make clothes for
fat people
hey nia what's the name of the designer over here he's hilarious he used to be
fat and now
and now we uh see like i said we've been on vacation too long
hey nia i'm too fave again on onto cool on to qa i can't remember cute cute too
late to g f y s yes
i'm telling two to do that because i know you and you're familiar what's the
name of that what's the
name of that uh luke robitard what's his name who's luke robitard i don't know
what designer the
designer white-haired guy he used to be fat all carl lagerfeld yeah doesn't darth
vader's suit look
like some he'd come up with oh for sure yeah there you go i nailed it you're
impressed with
some of my fashion knowledge you've been uh you've been proving yourself to be
quite the fashionista
out here i was telling told you the difference between the hoary style and the
the elegant style
right yes thanks for explaining that to me what do you mean you actually were
fascinated by it
right because we went to lunch and we were talking about how some of the girls
were like very elegant and
some you know some are all instagrammy who's desperate like they would like
basically the
fashion version of a comic with a catchphrase right yes exactly opposed to me
who's all pure
up there with my shit and dick jokes yeah yeah the comedian's comedian that's
you i was gonna bust in
here and see what you were talking about you jerk what's going on uh i'll tell
you what's going on what
yesterday for father's day yeah my second deuxième ah way um that way i i uh
we went to the uh
vant caters lemon we went to the 24 hours of lemon and uh nia how did you enjoy
how'd you enjoy it
four hours um no but it's not always like that sometimes it's sometimes
but it's like okay
who's that yeah but like what so are you just waiting for somebody to crash or
like what's the
because it's just round and round she goes where she stops nobody knows it's
like you know like it
wasn't that exciting i mean i i know that it's a big it's a world famous was it
cool to at least see
cars going that fast that close to each other um you know i feel like i've seen
cars goes fast before
and it doesn't really
do that much for me um for me this is this is what's hilarious it was father's
day i would go to formula one
with you because is that the same thing though it's just round and round and
yeah because if you were
sitting in the stands and they just drove in a straight line it would be over
in a minute
so that's why they go around and around and around and then they would also
have to clear out
you know for a 500 mile race if they had to clear out 500 miles of streets in a
straight direction i
mean all of a sudden you can't go from mississippi to the other side of texas
well you know how in
horse racing and i'm not saying that like horse racing is okay but you know how
it's like go baby
go and everyone's like yeah yeah like chill like let's go let's go baby go
there wasn't a lot of that
like people were on their phones people were eating crepes like it was very
like subdued like there
wasn't it didn't feel like there was a lot of action going on a lot of
excitement is what i'm saying
because it was a 24-hour race that's maybe too long like maybe they shouldn't i
would say this
what i what i was amazing to me is that they had i i counted i was saying there's
got to be at least
two classes if not three classes of cars out there turns out there was four
different classes so i
think there was like four winners in each class one for each class but we got
there on the second day
so when we showed up there was two cars in the lead lap both toyotas um and the
guy in first place was
ahead by like a minute and a half which is like a you know that's like almost
the back of the race and
anything else and then the guy in third place was 12 laps down so i was kind of
like oh so this thing
we there's three hours to go and this is already over unless somebody crashes
or has a problem with
their car and the toyota in second place did have a problem with this car
briefly um which put him even
further back then he was down two laps and then um so yeah um it's more of like
an endurance thing i i
thought it was fascinating because um if i would recommend if you go to it go
for the start or i
would go at night just to see him at night it was kind of cool to see the brake
lights and wipers and
shit i've never seen that on race cars it's usually just like it's just a shell
for a body with a roll
the whole full roll cage and it's just the powertrain that's it so it was
exciting to see windshield wipers
yeah it was for me i'm you know you know it's funny no no no no you know what
it is you know
what it is yeah steve mcqueen and all that it was it was and just to know how
many people have died and
the balls that it takes and all of that to do it and uh i gotta be honest with
you
you know we were driving out there you were listening to your beyonce and your
jay-z
and then we got there and you were on your phone the entire time and it made me
feel good about that
time i walked out when you were you said you were quote in this play um first
of all that is not the
same thing how dare you even make that comparison and i'll make it again don't
you yell at me on my
own phone the whole time i was taking instagram video of you okay and instagram
of who you and of
myself and the race but like i was on the whole entire time and i didn't 