Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 7-2-18
Uploaded: 2018-07-05T17:15:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 7-2-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 7-2-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-05. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 7-2-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday july
2nd 2018 what's going on how are ya hey as you can tell oh freckles is under
the weather
yeah i tried to do too much when i was on the road um i'm just an old guy now
and i ended up
catching a cold like it was the middle of fucking winter i flew into minneapolis
the day of the show
i usually i used to fly in the night before but now i got the kiddo and i don't
you know miss is a
little bit of you know her whatever day is possible so i flew out the day of
then i landed and um i've
learned this lesson 50 fucking times and every time i've gotten sick i landed i
was a little tired you
know because i had to get up early to get there on time and i went right to the
gym stupid fucking
move then i had to do two shows and then i hung out with verzi and fucking bartnik
but i slept in the
next day the next day i woke up i kind of felt run down but i was like no man i
hit the gym again i hit
the gym again fucking moron then i take a steam then i go on fucking stage have
one show it's the end of
the night i absolutely love bartnik and verzi hey let's go out again so we go
out again and this
time we were we were at an outside bar up on this rooftop and this really cool
you know place in you
know downtown minneapolis and i had a hat on but it wasn't enough and i could
tell when i was you know
when a cold just gets you yeah i'm feeling a little bit and then just getting
you're like ah fuck here we
go and i didn't have any vitamins that's nothing i forgot my vitamins all of
that dumb shit so um
i don't know so i apologize for being so friggin late here but however i want
to thank everybody
it's one of the most fun weekends i've had as far as crowds and just what i got
to see in minneapolis
and detroit um minneapolis first of all i did a theater there on on the the
campus of uh the big
10 university of minnesota now i was joking with the people there whenever i go
you know to a great campus like that my first thought this is for all you young
kids out there
i always think to myself man i wish i studied in high school i wish i tried
this is fucking
amazing dude we drove by there was like a frat house and there was like 10 frat
guys sitting in
a circle playing some drinking game outside this amazing fraternity you know
and i know everybody
makes fun of them saying they're a bunch of date rapists and then this and then
that and all this
shit but at the end of the day who's making the robots that are going to kill
all of us huh it's the
nerds so he's up on the frat boys um they're not all rapists you know some of
them just leer
so anyways and i couldn't believe how beautiful beautiful the university of minnesota's
campuses
and i was saying on stage um this is what a fucking moron i am i you know
without ever seeing a campus
i judge what it looks like by how your sports teams are doing if you ever won a
big 10 championship or an
sec championship in a long time i just figure your school's a dump and it doesn't
look good i learned
that with vanderbilt you know vanderbilt's never like you know i think maybe in
baseball they're
good but they they never do anything in football never do anything in hoops so
i'm just like ah
that's like almost a community college then nate borgazzi told me he was a big
fan of theirs was like
no dude that's like it's one of the best schools in the country some of the
smartest like this
engineering fucking egghead school right um but i went to university of minnesota
it's like all
fucking brick i mean what i saw of it was uh was incredible now i always have
that thought like why
didn't i study it wasn't that hard i was such a fucking pussy i was such a baby
a couple of
oh i don't like this subject and just yeah just get through it you know what i
mean i didn't like
doing hell rooms either but i i had to do them to get to do a fucking gig at
university of minnesota
i stuck with that right hang on sorry i forgive me
ah sorry it's gonna be a lot of that i'll hit pause next time um
you know look some of the math i get you know because i gotta be honest with
you
like i was cool right up until algebra if i wasn't such a fucking class clown
and a jerk off i wouldn't
have to go to summer school after algebra because it wasn't that bad if i
applied myself geometry
i don't even know what i don't i don't even know what the fuck was going on
it was like these conspiracy theories about shapes not conspiracy they were
proven um
like the nba's fix was proven when they had that mobbed up ref and of course
they blame it on one guy
they always blame it on one guy i don't know how long people will sit there and
watch the nba i'm
not saying all the games are fixed i'm just saying no other sport is it finessed
the way that sport
is finessed to make sure they have these matchups that are going to get ratings
and it all goes back
to fucking larry bird and magic johnson i'm convinced of it they're still
fucking terrified
because they almost went out of business in the late 70s um our ratings were
way down
you know but they all do it like during the steroid era you think the fucking
owners and
baseball like they didn't know what the players were doing baseball was in a
bad way they canceled
the world series cal ripken breaking uh lou garrick's record was all they
fucking had
they juice up the ball they make the ballpark smaller these fucking guys are
going up there looking
like the dad and the incredibles you know fucking skinny legs and giant upper
bodies just driving
shit over the out of the friggin ballparks they knew what was going on and then
all of a sudden
the shit hits the fan and not one owner got asked a question they oh i had no
idea he had no idea
you're in the business right i do stand-up comedy i know who some of the up-and-coming
funny people are
i i hear who's stealing jokes i hear who's gonna be the next fucking whatever i
hear who's maybe uh
fucking partying too much you're in it you know it's what you do fucking lumberjacks
they know who's uh
jerking off behind a redwood i mean they're in the fucking business so baseball
was finessed that way
i believe right football what they did was they just you know they weren't
satisfied with their
fan base and they just kept every fucking rule ended up being for the offense
to the point it was borderline
illegal to uh you know to cover a receiver now everybody's out there putting up
dan marino numbers
which is fucking ridiculous dan marino dan fouts those guys played back when
you could borderline
murder somebody stick them and all of that shit i remember one year that year
drew breeze i can't
forget what he threw for but it was just like there was like seven people on
pace to break dan marino's
record maybe not seven it was probably four in uh in one season so it's finessed
that fucking way right
hockey i you just i don't know what they're doing they just they finally got it
right
they finally got it right with nashville and vegas and now they're going to seattle
i think they're
finally going to take a turn and my only concern is that it's going to become
immensely popular which
is really a pipe dream but if it becomes immensely the reason why hockey is
still great is because
it is sort of the jan brady the middle kid like nobody's paying attention to it
so
you meet the players they're all cool they're down to earth you know what i
mean
i don't know sorry i haven't even taken any cold medication this is just
literally
my intellect so i can't blame anything here um but basketball i swear to god
like the celtics are
coming on right and the lakers suck and i remember thinking as a fan this sucks
we're going to be good
and they suck it's like if the red socks are good and the yankees suck or vice
versa it's not fun
right and all of a sudden lebron is going to move and where does he go to the
fucking lakers and next
year there's going to be a bunch of free agents and the lakers will stock up
and i guarantee we're
going to go to the finals it's going to be fucking lakers celtics you know if
anybody can get past that
juggernaut of um of uh golden state but like i don't know i think it's all uh
it's definitely finessed like uh like a boxing promoter putting together
matches like the fact
that they let kevin durant go to the golden state warriors in the last two
seasons have been an absolute
fucking snooze fest it's like they you knew they were going to win it the
second he went there and
they did you knew they were going to go back to back and they did you know what
they doing in golden
state is is like what the fucking yankees did in the early 2000s and the height
of them buying
championships was when they got fucking a-run anything post 1998 because i love
that yankee team
i don't love the yankees but i love that team but 99 2000 the clemens all of
that bullshit um
was all those pylon fucking championships and then the red sox were like well
what the fuck
you know we're in the middle of a 90-year drought 86-year drought here
this is this is the game we got to play this game and this is the thing we
haven't stopped playing
that fucking game i mean nobody could be as bad as the fucking yankees i mean
remember they had
fucking giambi and a-rod and jeter in their fucking infield it's ridiculous
they had two of the best
shortstops in the league in their infield one agreeing to play third base it
was fucking nuts
um yeah i mean whatever so anyways so lebron is a laker and uh i guess i'm
going to get my wish that
they're going to be in the finals hopefully against us i mean that's who i want
to play and beat um
and i like our coach better you know i know that they're going to go out and
get a zillion guys
because everybody in the nba wants to play in la not because you know partially
because they love
the lakers but who doesn't want to a famous broad right who doesn't want 75 80
degree weather year
round i've said this forever what do you want to do you want to go to boston
racist boston and deal with
the winter and sixes and sevens or do you want to come to racist la bang supermodels
and uh go to
the beach whenever the you want 12 months of the year we can't compete with it
i mean the uniform
literally looks like sunshine hey speaking of that when i was in minneapolis i
went by that
fucking armory i look like an old fucking like hockey stadium and i would have
thought it was the north
stars old place had i not known that it used it's where the mall of america is
now um
that wasn't a fucking red flag yeah we're getting rid of the hockey team and we're
putting the biggest
fucking mall ever um i still don't understand how that fucking thing stays open
you know how do you
fucking you know what the mall of america is like it's like having a tv show
now it's just so many
of them i would tell you a time i was talking to another comedian and i told
her how much i liked
her show and she was saying thanks and we were talking for five minutes before
she realized i was
talking about another show that she had that just got canceled and she was
talking about a different tv show
that i didn't even know she had two television shows and i had no fucking idea
uh anyways so i went by the armory thing there and i saw jennifer lopez played
there during the super
bowl i guess they redid it but the coolest fucking thing ever about that venue
is that's where the
minneapolis lakers with uh george miken won their first four nba championships
and that uh that baa
championship that the lakers still call an nba championship which is fucking
hilarious they somehow won one
all right before the nba existed but anyways i really wanted to go in there and
take a
fucking tour of it so um so there we go i know a lot of you guys are expecting
me to flip out that
fucking lebron went to i don't give a shit i like who uh oh thank you how are
you lovely nia thumbs up
are you nothing you feel run down i didn't give it to you did i i didn't get
you sick did i i don't
know i don't think so i jus