Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-18
Uploaded: 2018-07-06T17:18:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-06. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
I'm just checking in on you to see how your work week's going.
You know, fucking weird one this year, 4th of July on a Wednesday.
You know, if it's on the Tuesday, maybe your boss gives you the Monday off,
right?
You got a three-day fucking week after a four-day weekend.
It's beautiful, you know?
If it's on Thursday, maybe you don't have to come in Friday.
There's your four-day fucking weekend.
Not this year.
Oh, no.
Oh, fucking powdered wig itself came in on a Wednesday.
Fucked everybody.
Monday, Tuesday, right?
Everybody fucks off for Wednesday.
Now you got to come back Thursday, Friday.
It's cool to get the day off, but you didn't get the consecutive days off, you
know?
Did you know you got fucked up the night of July 3rd, right?
Then yesterday, what'd you do?
You ate a bunch of fucking burgers.
Is that what you did?
I am finally on the other side of this goddamn cold.
I caught one of these post-global warming,
Mother Nature is going to start getting rid of us colds.
This fucking thing, it came on slow, you know?
And then it just started picking up speed, and it just grabbed me by the
fucking throat
and just chokeslammed me.
Yeah, so I'm finally on the other side of it now.
You wouldn't know what to hear of you right now, but I am.
I want to thank all you guys for your postcards and your well wishes.
It meant a lot to me, you know, when I was sitting, laying there in the
hospital bed.
I actually was the first guy who ever went to the hospital for a common cold
in the San Fernando Valley area.
They made a plaque for me and everything.
I went in there, and the doctor was just like looking at my chart.
He finally looked up.
He's like, so you got the sniffles?
And I was like, yeah.
And he's like, you know, I have a whole emergency room full of people
that got stabbed and shot.
And I was like, yeah, I know, but like one of my nostrils is like really clogged
up,
and I just can't like deal, man.
Did I tell you guys I saw that documentary on Mark Ronson?
Is that his name?
No, not Mark Ronson.
The fucking guy who played with David Bowie.
Is Mark Ronson the guy?
Mick Ronson.
Mick Ronson is the one.
Mark Ronson is, this is your mother, your father, your sister,
whatever that fucking song is.
It's jiling, bowing, eating some peanut butter.
It's the fucking summer.
Dab-a-doo, let me see your titties.
Right?
Isn't that how that song went?
Mick Ronson played with David Bowie
when he was Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders.
And fucking incredible guitarist.
Incredible musician.
Producer.
Wrote songs, you know, learned how to write out all the music and all this shit.
And he got no fucking credit.
Got no fucking credit.
Didn't get any money.
They fucked him.
I just, the music business is the absolute worst.
I can't tell you how many fucking times I've seen that.
You know, the drummer and the bass player on those first two Ozzy solo albums.
Like, they just, they just fuck those guys.
They just, you know.
Guys coming in and writing riffs and writing entire fucking songs, but they're
too, they don't have a good lawyer.
Nobody tells them what's up.
They don't get the, you know, and then it's like song by Ozzy Osbourne.
And then they get fucked out of millions of dollars.
How do you do that to a kid?
It's just this reoccurring thing in the fucking music business.
This fucking guy was writing all these riffs.
He was writing the string arrangements.
He was in the fucking studio with one of those conductor wands.
And he didn't get any fucking credit.
It's fucking brutal.
But what was amazing was watching the guy.
I saw him.
I was like, Jesus Christ.
That guy looks like fucking Randy Rhoads.
Same haircut.
Same fucking Les Paul and all that.
I'm like, wait, Randy Rhoads came after Mick Ronson.
So then I just looked, Googled Randy Rhoads, Mick Ronson influence.
And a bunch of shit came out saying that he was a fan of his.
I thought that was pretty cool.
You know, I know Randy had more of the classical guitar type of stuff in there.
But, you know, it's a, yeah, it's a good documentary.
I saw it on a plane though, you know.
Whenever you're on a plane, everything's fucking good.
Guys, I'm not going to lie to you.
I fucking, I'm still, I'm coming out of this shit, man.
You know, I don't know what it feels like to be trapped in a mine.
You know, oh fuck.
Aren't there some kids right now trapped somewhere?
The news is just so brutal.
I just, when I read, I just see like the headline.
I just go, oh.
I just walk away.
I don't know how people just sit there watching other people suffering.
It's one thing to say, hey, these kids are trapped in a mine right over there.
Grab a shovel.
Come with me.
Then you can do something.
But you just know they're sitting there.
And there's nothing you can fucking do about it.
You know?
How the fuck do a bunch of kids end up in a mine?
Is that what happened?
Are they in a mine?
I don't fucking remember.
Stuck on a giant lily pad or something like that in the middle of a river?
I don't know.
I don't, you know.
I've been like fucking hallucinating all goddamn week.
But one of the good things about being this sick is I haven't drank in like
fucking five days.
You know?
And I got some acting work next week.
So whenever I got acting work, I shut down all the fun.
You know?
Oh, Billy, no fun.
You know?
Try to keep my face not fucking all fucking puffy and shit.
So anyways.
Oh, God, I got nothing.
Jesus Christ, I got nothing.
But I got to knock this out.
This is how funny I am when I'm fucking sick for five days.
I'm basically not funny at all.
Okay?
And I would appreciate it if you guys would just cut me a little bit of fucking
slack.
All right?
You know what I had?
I had a few.
I fucked up when I was uploading the Monday Morning Podcast.
When the battery on my laptop died.
So 15 minutes in the middle got cut out.
So we had to edit it together.
So there's some fucking people wrote in some questions.
And I'm going to re-answer them the best I can.
By the way, on Instagram, I found this account that I've been following called
Don't Be a Brad.
And it's basically trashing, like, essentially meathead white guy frat boys.
You know, it's funny.
They kind of, you know, it's hilarious because, you know, there's a lot of
truth to it.
But then also it's like you're completely judging these people by their skin
color.
And nobody gives a fuck because it's fucking white guys.
But a lot of them are just really good looking guys who are in frats.
And they're getting a lot of pussy.
And you're fucking annoyed by it because you're a nerd.
So you started this account.
Having said that, it is funny.
Like, they literally have one of them yelling at a bounce ago.
Do you know what my dad does?
You know, and everybody makes fun of these frat kids.
It's not their fucking fault.
It's their parents.
It's like making fun of millennials.
It's like it's not.
It's the people who raised them that fucked them up.
But it's a very funny account.
Albeit, a lot of it, you know, is just unathletic people making fun of people
who are athletic.
And then there's also something, too.
You know, there's a curse to being fucking good looking.
You know, I was reading this one time, this article in Rolling Stone.
And this guy who was just like this heartthrob for fucking 15 years.
It was now like in his 60s.
And he was doing this fucking, this interview.
And they were talking to him.
And he was reflecting on what kind of a person he was back in his 20s and his
30s.
And he said, well, you know, I was, he was basically saying he was a really
good looking guy.
He was on a TV show and in movies.
And he had a big dick.
So he only had to develop so much as a human being.
It was really fascinating.
So then when he got old, and he wasn't as good looking, and he was creepy to
younger women and shit, he actually had to finish developing all the
development as a human that he never had to do before.
Because all he did was just show up.
And all the women fainted.
And he pulled out his giant dick, you know, and he fucking went to town.
He was done with that.
He went back down to the movie set and made another hit movie.
He was very, very interesting.
So I actually was thinking of that when I was looking at that Don't Be a Brad
Instagram account.
Where it's like, this isn't these kids 100% their fault.
Like if your kid is walking around acting like an asshole and then going, do
you know what my dad does for a living?
You spoiled the shit out of that kid.
That's your fucking fault.
I mean, that's complete failure as a dad.
If your kid's out there being a fucking, you know, mouthing off to some bouncer
that could fucking twist him up like a pretzel.
And then screaming like, my dad's going to come down here.
Oh my God.
I'd just be like, son, son.
Fight your own battles.
Like, what are you doing?
I'm going to come down here and do what?
Sue him because you're a fucking asshole?
I don't want to see you get a concussion, but he should have slapped the shit
out of you.
All right.
Republican douche.
Question mark.
Hey, Bill, I'm a fan of your comedy.
I'm still a fan of you, but honestly, you're starting to sound like a red pill
Republican douche bag.
You know, isn't it just classic way that politics is discussed now?
You know?
Like, the thing is called Republican douche.
Question mark.
Like, I don't understand these people where if you're a Republican, then
automatically you're a douche.
If you're a Democrat, you're automatically a douche.
You know what I mean?
You know what I'm saying?
Like, you don't think anybody on either side, like everybody on that side is
just douchebags?
Anyways, he goes, no offense.
You're always going on about how Hillary is evil while our country is going
down the shitter.
And she would have saved us from a lot of these headaches.
All right.
Well, that's pretty vague.
Our country's been going down the shitter for a long time, sir.
I don't know what you're talking about.
When exactly wasn't it going down the shitter?
Oh, speaking of that, you know, back on that fucking don't be a brat, one of
the frat boys had Ronald Reagan tattooed on his calf.
Not a picture.
It just said Ronald Reagan.
That fucking was, that's hilarious to me.
You know, Ronald Reagan is like rich white people's Abraham Lincoln.
Like, he set them free in a way by, you know, by, you know, deregulating
everything.
So then these fucking robber barons could get back to what the fuck they wanted
to be doing.
Oh, look at that.
I just made fun of a Republican, sir.
Do I sound like a red pill Republican douchebag?
I mean, this guy's like literally speaking in soundbites.
Like, how fucking, like, how boring a conversation would it to discuss politics
with this person?
Anyways, he said, you say you don't like Trump, but you sound like a closet fan
who's just too afraid to say you love him because you lose a part donut store
employee number two.
I think you missed a word in there, buddy.
I'm not afraid to say that I like Trump if I like Trump.
I don't like him.
I don't like him.
And his fucking wife, the fact that she wore that jacket that said, I don't
really care, do you?
When she was going to see those kids and then tried to say, like, oh, that had
to do with fake news.
Like, there's such passive aggressive fucking pussies.
That had nothing to do with fake news.
Like, you're telling me nobody at the White House, this is about fake news.
Well, just to let you know there, first lady, people might think you're talking
about the kids.
You might not want to wear that.
It was such like a fucking, you know.
It's bad enough when a guy's that ignorant, but when a woman does it, she's
actually had kids.
She knows what it's like to have a fucking kid and to sit there and have these
kids in fucking cages and she wears a jacket like that.
It's just, I don't know, it's fucking, they're not human.
So anyways, he said, I ca