Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-18
Uploaded: 2018-07-09T23:11:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-09. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, July 9th, 2018.
When a man loves a woman, he'll do some dumb shit like get her a ring.
Then all of a sudden he's married, he's like, what did I do?
Then he will say, are you mad at me?
She'll just shake her head and say no.
And then she'll treat you like shit for the next five days.
What's going on?
It never ends, people. Never ends.
How are you? What's going on? I'm out here in a heat wave.
I'm still getting over this fucking Ebola that I caught.
I don't know what I have that, you know, that's just lingering.
I'm just, I'm all congested, you know?
Dude, take a towel, put it over your head and then sit behind your car and have
somebody start it up.
All right? Now make sure you have a lemon in your mouth.
You know, that's what my fucking day has been, like, for the last eight days,
everybody has, it's fucking hilarious.
All these people who aren't pharmacists, right?
All of these people have never invented anything in their life.
And I mean, even just some dumb shit, like you, you take some wire and you
fucking twist it and then you bend it.
And it's like, look, for 1995, it's your very own back itcher, right?
Back massager.
But, yeah, they've all been telling me how to fucking cure this shit.
And it's just like, okay, all right, I'll try that.
Oh, what'd you say?
Zinc.
The man over there in the plaid shirt says zinc.
What do you, what say you?
Vitamin D.
You say vitamin D.
Vitamin C.
You know, I feel like I'm on a game show, right?
When you're on The Price is Right and everybody's yelling out a price like a
different number and the person's looking with their deer in the headlights.
That's what it's like when you have a fucking cold.
By the way, me and my wife, who isn't mad at me, who isn't not, not talking to
me, but isn't actually really chatty either.
You know, do you know how you get them out of that mood?
You have, you can't say it out loud.
You can't say, you know what, I don't even give a shit anymore at this point.
I've gone through enough hours of torture here.
What you do is you just think, you know what, I don't give a fuck.
And they are so smart.
They sense the second you do that and then immediately they want to sit down
and talk about it.
Because once you don't give a fuck, the game's over.
Okay?
And they don't want you to settle into not giving a fuck because then you won't
be able to listen to their lecture and nod and go, okay, yes, I will work on
that.
Okay?
I, you know what, I didn't know that.
Oh, oh, do I do that?
Is that what I do?
Wow.
It's, it's so great to have somebody outside myself to let me know what it is
that I'm doing.
You know what, you're like a moon, like just going around my fucking, the
planet of my head.
Observing.
Not a moon, honey.
Maybe be like a, an alien aircraft, you know, uh, of higher intelligence.
Does that make you feel better?
Um, anyways, it was ungodly fucking hot.
It was the hottest it's ever been.
It was like Palm Desert out here.
It was 109 fucking degrees on Friday.
And I'm not, I'm not even talking about in the valley.
Maybe that was the valley.
I don't know what it was, but it was like you were, it was like, I felt like I
was standing inside a dryer.
And, um, I've used that reference a lot, but this time it was just like, oh
yeah, I could dry my clothes in this, you know, by the way, those idiots who
like, man, you can fucking fry an egg on the sidewalk.
You could probably do that when it's like 80 degrees up.
You know what I mean?
It'd be like frying it on low.
I don't know what it would be like.
I mean, you know, but like on Friday when it was 109 degrees out at around two
in the afternoon, like your shit would be over medium before you even flipped
it.
Um, and you wouldn't have to season it cause of all the rock salt, right?
For those of you back East.
Um, and so the inevitable happens is there's then after human beings in their
own way have made it, I don't know how many degrees hotter, but we have made it
hotter.
I think even scientists that wear red coats or red ties, even they have been
like, you know, we're kind of having an effect on the, the environment.
I mean, if gypsy moth caterpillars have to be stopped, you mean, what about
human beings?
I mean, say what you want about gypsy moth caterpillars, you know, they, they
don't make, you know, nuclear waste.
They, they've never, you know, invested in plastics.
You know, they're pretty green for what it is that they do, right?
And they are a part of nature.
So they probably really don't need to be stopped by an outside force like us.
We're stopping them for our own fucking survival.
And the problem is his mother nature up until this point has been bringing a
knife to a gunfight with like fucking gypsy moth caterpillars and some bullshit
like that.
And I think now she's realizing that she needs to go down to the local fucking,
um, what do you call the place?
You go down to the place where there's always like a bad keyboard in the
fucking window pawn shop.
You go down to the pawn shop.
She's going to get herself a fucking heater, a heater, a boner, boner, a burner,
whatever the fuck you call them.
I don't fucking, a boner.
She's going to come out with a fucking dick, man.
She's going to, she's going to do a reverse Bruce.
She's going to fuck all of us in the ass with the weather.
I think that that's what I was trying to say.
I have no idea, but all I know was, you know, it was fucking insane.
So the inevitable happens is then there's a power search.
There was like nobody on the roads.
Like that's how fucking hard it was.
Everybody was just staying inside, sitting in air conditioning.
Like, oh my God.
And not fucking getting out there.
And then we all, after making it hotter, you know, I'm not saying it wouldn't
be 104 degrees or whatever.
I don't even know if we made it five degrees hot, but whatever.
But we sit inside and we don't get to feel, we don't feel the effects of what
the fuck we're doing.
It's like buying a shirt.
You know what I mean?
You don't see the fucking eight year old that sewed it together.
You're like, oh, does this shirt make me look good?
Right?
It's like, it's painless.
So now we're all sitting there in the AC and inevitably we don't have enough
power.
So now they have to have a blackout.
Now, where are they going to do it?
Okay?
Now, I already gave it away.
Okay?
The keyword here is blackout.
Black would be the keyword.
You know, I don't even know where they did it.
But I know they didn't fucking go, well, we have to shut down the grid
somewhere.
Where should we shut it down?
Should we shut it down in Beverly Hills or fucking Bel Air or these people with
their fucking infinity pools that fall off into the goddamn ocean with their
panoramic views?
You can literally see the roundness of the planet.
You know?
These people with their MTV crib stocked fucking refrigerators?
Their giant cabin footprint?
Or, oh, no.
No.
Those people fund our campaigns.
Let's fucking, uh, let's fucking go down here to these people who can barely
rub two fucking nickels together and we'll shut down their shit.
Um, it's just an evil fucking world, man.
And, uh, and oddly enough, this weekend, as I sat in my air conditioned house,
you know, not in Beverly Hills, but not in the hood either.
You know what I mean?
Like if I was on a chessboard, I wouldn't be a pawn, but I wouldn't be in the
castle either.
You know, I don't think I'd be the horse.
I wouldn't be a bishop.
I think I'd be a rook, you know, basic forward, sideways, you know, white guy,
no lateral fucking movement.
If I went diagonal, I'd fucking trip over myself or try to run a fucking inner
and out route like a fucking horse.
I just don't think I'd make it, you know, of course, the fucking broad can do
whatever she wants.
Right.
Got all the goddamn power.
What the fucking the king do?
Just sitting there backing up.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey guys, surround me.
She's pissed.
She's pissed.
Well, she said she's not pissed, but she's not talking to me.
She is.
But you know what I mean?
It's really quick.
And.
Serviceable conversation.
Would you like some dinner?
Okay, it's ready.
Salmon.
Nice talking to you.
Nothing.
Um.
Anyways, they should have like, this is such a hacky idea, but they should
literally, I wish they had right now, if they had like a fucking, like a
relationship.
Somebody must have done a bit like this.
Like you have like a, a, a relationship meteorologist, you know what I mean?
That could give you a five day fucking forecast.
Let you know what kind of coat to wear.
Basically, what kind of, what kind of shit am I going to try to avoid so I don't
step into it?
You know what I mean?
So anyways, I'm in the fucking house.
Right.
And, um, you know, I got the kid now and she's getting bigger and eventually
she's going to need her own room.
All right.
And I have all, and I don't even have a lot of shit, but I have a, I have a lot
of shit.
I didn't think I had a lot of shit.
I don't have a lot of furniture, but I have a lot of shit.
You know, just over the years going on the road, buying a little thing here,
buying a little thing there, fan giving you something, the venue giving you
something.
And all of a sudden you just got a bunch of shit.
And then what happens is, is if enough time goes by, you start, I don't know, I'm
sentimental.
I start to develop feelings for it and it's hard to get rid of it.
Well, um, I don't have a choice now, people.
So, uh, in the near future, um, I'm going to, I am going to have a massive,
massive fucking giveaway of, of memorabilia and shit and, and old drum stuff.
And like, you know, I tried to give some people my, my old drum magazines and
just nobody wanted them.
All these fucking young kids are like, you know, I just took it on the phone,
bro.
Yeah.
I just go to fucking, I can read this on my phone.
Like, like I'm, I'm, I don't even know what, like I, you'd think I was handing
them like a hammer and a chisel and a, a rock and be like, you want to draw
pictures with this?
So I didn't feel too bad because they're made out of paper, although I'm sure
the ink is bad for the environment, but I, I put like 20 years of, of all of
these fucking magazines that I saved.
Like I was going to go back and peruse through two decades of fucking drum
magazines.
And I kept some of them, you know, the John Theodores, the fucking Nico McBrain,
the fucking Steve Jordan, you know, all the way back.
All the drummers that I fucking love, right.
Tommy Lee, you know, but then, you know, the, the, the latest ones were the
easiest ones to get rid of because I'm an old man and I probably didn't know a
lot of those players, although I probably should.
But, um, you know, I don't know.
I just wish I could go back in time and not buy anything, you know, Jimmy, the
gent.
Don't, what the fuck did I say?
Don't buy anything, you know, as much as he was a murderous psychopath, he was
very environmentally conscious in that part of Goodfellas, you know?
Um, so anyways, just giving you guys a heads up.
I, uh, I got it all out in front of me here.
I got it all laid out and my wife, who's not mad at me, um, is, uh, you know,
she was like, well, why don't you get like a storage shed?
You know, you like this stuff.
And it's like, I'm not fucking doing that.
I'm not doing that.
Like whenever I see those places, I get like, I have a fucking, almost a
physical reaction to them.
When I see a storage facility.
And, uh, it's just like, I'm not, I did that before.
I'm not fucking doing that.
Then you have to go back and like check in on your stuff.
It's like your stuff went to jail.
And then, you know, you can just fucking, uh, hang on a second.
I got to fucking text this guy back.
Um, there's no way for me to continue talking, call you in, in a 45 minute.
Um, anyways, uh, there's just, then you get, you're doing the George Carlin bit.
You just have shit just spread out all over the fucking world.
And it's just like, if there's not