Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 7-16-18
Uploaded: 2018-07-16T17:02:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 7-16-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 7-16-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-16. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 7-16-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday july
16th 2018 what's going on how are ya um how you doing it's sunday afternoon
when i'm recording
this i'm still in seattle washington i've yet to do my shows up here i'm
imagining that they're
gonna go pretty well um i was in portland oregon last night jesus christ great
shows amazing people
coming out you know even though i teased them a little bit you know i was
making fun of some of
the people in portland do you know what i would like what really amazes me
about this generation
or actually maybe like the past i guess the past 10 years it's just the amount
of shit
that guys do in their 20s and that like if i did it back in my 20s i would get
this shit kicked out
of me it's really unbelievable is it bill how about an example i'll give you an
example i was coming
over from portland airport by the way the first time i've ever landed here or
ever landed in portland i
should say where it was actually just sunny and beautiful like i believe my
first aborted landing
i ever had um was in portland oregon it was fucking raining and the guy was
coming in there was all
this wind shear and then he just fucking went up and around again and we were
all like dude what the
fuck i remember this old guy was just like you don't take as many chances as
you need many times as
you need or whatever it's like just get this fucking thing on the ground
everybody kind of left so
this was the first time that was way back when i was working fucking happy
it's comedy club down the street um
which is a really interesting gig because the guy who ran it back in the day
you know he would paper the entire room which means he would give the show away
so you go in on
a tuesday and the place would be packed with people who you know won a comedy
show you know what i mean
so it was weird it was like doing this giant office party and you do one tuesday
one wednesday one
thursday two friday three saturday and then one on sunday and uh but the cool
thing is i got to hang
in portland all week check out all these cool places to eat and now um i kind
of dip in and dip out but
that's that that's an old story so anyways we're getting back to what the fuck
i saw i'm driving
from the airport from oregon from oregon from portland airport over to my
fucking hotel i swear to god
i saw two guys in their 20s on a bicycle built for two and then behind the guy
those two guys was
another guy do you remember those cars when you were a kid if you had like a
toy car you got it got
in it right it was made all out of metal and then you pedaled it yeah this guy
had an adult version
of that car um riding behind the two guys on a bicycle built for two now this
might seem harsh
and i might seem old school but shouldn't they be getting this shit kicked out
of them
i know in a perfect world they should be able to do whatever makes them happy
but there's just
something about that behavior where you're so begging for attention you know
what i mean you
just can't get on a bicycle it's got to be a bicycle built for two it's got to
be a little toy car and
you're a fucking adult in it with your goddamn hipster beard like i don't know
i'm really disappointed
with the bullies in the millennial generation you know you're you're letting a
lot of stuff slide
is he advocating bullying something
a fucking spitball anything
i mean i just i was in the middle of the pack when i was in school
i got bullied and i bullied some kids you know i was right in the fucking
middle
you know i was background i wasn't cool i wasn't a nerd i was just one of those
people that filled
out your class picture that's all the fuck i was you know and i just felt like
this pressure like
that somebody is not doing the job needs to get done i felt like sticking my
head out the window like
that fucking ogre
in that goddamn movie and just be like
nerds
just something
i mean how as an adult are you supposed to sit there talking to another adult
with a waxed mustache
and never fucking bring it up
you know i i don't know
that just i don't know it's it's really is
like it's like how
bored are you as a fucking person
that you have to like
become like a character
like you go back and you watch a beer commercial
from the late 70s or early 80s
and then you just decide
that you're gonna dress like that guy
but you're still gonna be your douchey self
but you're gonna have
you know his mustache and hairdo
and t-shirt
it's really fucking weird
i don't know
i don't know
just the shit that bothers me
um i'm having sort of a uh anger relapse
i was doing so well
and the other day i snapped in the car
when this fucking person just you know
took him like nine tries to parallel park
and it actually felt weird to yell in the car
because i hadn't in a good three weeks
so i tried to get it in check
but i think i let the fucking genie out of the bottle
so i need to uh
sit down and work on myself again
because uh today when we were flying from portland up to seattle
you know we were boarding the plane
and um
i was in the first group
you know after people in the military
people with disabilities
people with kids
people with dogs that make them feel like it's okay to fly
uh people with acne problems
like i don't know how many fucking groups there are now
before group one boards
group one is really like group 26 at this point right
you know
um
it's blue shirt fridays
anybody with a blue shirt can now board
anyway so
we walk out into the tarmac to board right
and i see
this woman in front of me has stopped
you know
it's like one of these deals where you walk outside to get on the plane
there's this little zigzag
sort of ramp you have to walk up
and she's stopped
while this flight attendant is helping this other woman up there
so
i'm thinking in my head
well you know
she didn't tell me to stop
so i'm gonna walk around this lady
i was kind of being a douche
and i went to walk around her
and she fucking stuck her hand out like that
she told me to wait
and she kind of like hit me with her hand
she did like the mother thing
and she was like
old
like white hair and shit
and
like the shit that went through my fucking head
not initially when she hit me
i was just surprised
like what the fuck
she just hit me
um
oh my god
and the level that i judged her
i was like
is that how you got up into first class
you fucking competitive cunt
you know
meanwhile i was gonna walk around her
and i knew i was supposed to wait
and i was being a douche
i just kept playing it over my head
that i just wish i walked right through her little fucking
stiff arm that she gave me
and um
i ended up sitting behind her on the plane
and my brain's telling me
to hit the back of her chair
to rattle her head a little bit
but you know
the rest of my brain's going
dude it's an old woman
why are you letting her get to you like this
and then when we landed
i was thinking like
she's not married
there's no fucking way any guy's putting up with her
and i looked and she had a wedding ring
and i was just like
uh
the fuck is wrong with me
so we're getting off the plane
now we're walking down one of those ramps
and i was actually laughing at myself
because i knew i was gonna have to pass her
and get into the airport before her
you know
just to somehow make up for that fucking moment
right how fucking stupid is that
and then i do it
and i turn around and glance and look at her
she doesn't even know that i exist
and i wasted all of that energy
you know
and probably took
probably i don't know
40 seconds off my life
with that level of just
you know
it was like legit hate
like i hated this person
i mean i don't like
it's just she fucking touched me
you know
what am i
what are you supposed to do
you don't want me to say
hey
yell at some old lady
get your fucking hands off me lady
huh
do it again
you'll never bake another batch of cookies
i mean
what exactly am i supposed to be doing there
i just you know
i created that whole situation
and i've really if i'm honest
looking back
i knew that she was flying first class
so she was probably
on some level a lunatic
and i
and a control freak
and i kind of knew that if i went around her
it was going to bug her
i just did not anticipate her
giving me the flare chop
when i tried to go past her
so i kind of got what i deserved
oh man
i can't believe how upset
i let that get me
and i created the whole fucking thing
i really am a pathetic human being
but um
you know
it makes for a good story
you know it helps fill up a podcast
sitting here in the hotel room right
oh by the way
so i'm at um
i'm in the airport
you know before this lady gave me the flare chop
and uh
the world cup final
is like happening
and i'm taping it at home
and it is so not a big deal
in this airport
that i can actually walk in public
while the super bowl of the world
is being played
and no one's
there's no spoiler alert
nothing
no one had it on
it wasn't on on any tv
i didn't see anybody watching the fucking game
on their phone
if i didn't go on instagram
i wouldn't even know who won
it's fucking insane
but anyways
i guess france won
all right
congratulations
what do they say
allay lay
lay blue
right
allay la blue
congratulations to france
and congratulations to croatia
a country of what
4.1 million people
according to pete davidson
in his instagram page
um
that they got that far
was fucking incredible
um
and i knew i was going to be happy
with either person winning
and uh
i obviously love france
and uh
croatia was the underdog
so i was rooting for them
but i did not see the game
i heard there was an own goal
you know
fortunately he didn't do that
in south america
so i think he has a chance
when he gets back to his hometown
but uh
they lost by two goals anyways
what the fuck are you gonna do
but i did not see it
but um
i did in this world club
become a soccer fan
and i've gone from
not giving a fuck
to wanting to google
where the next world cup
is gonna be
so i can actually go
um
and i'll go there with
40 other americans
if our team makes it
and we'll cheer them on
until they lose
in the first fucking round
or whatever the fuck happens
um
so anyways
i'm up here in seattle
portland and seattle
well you know
two of my favorite cities
what are your favorite cities
oh glad you asked
uh portland seattle
i'd say seattle
over portland
you know
they're both nice
portland just has a little more
of a hipster douche factor
you know
it was sort of a tie
and then when i saw that guy
in the bicycle
the two guys in the bicycle
built for two
with the kid
with the kitty car behind it
it's just i
it's like i fucking can't
all right
you know
then you come up to seattle
and you got the new world order
hippies
i mean there's a lot up here
to kind of be annoyed with
but uh
beautiful cities
lush land
all kinds of water
and that's just amazing
up here
um
san francisco
los angeles
milwaukee
minneapolis
chattanooga
tennessee
these are my favorites
um
obviously i'm from boston
uh
cleveland
detroit
buffalo
pittsburgh
um
i think that's it
the rest of the towns
can all go fuck them
so i'm kidding
tulsa oklahoma
what's
what's my favorite one
in texas
i'm going there
in two weeks
i'm going to fucking
houston texas
in july
as a redheaded
bald male
the fuck was i thinking
houston
dallas
san antonio
austin
college station
i don't know
it's they're all
kind of the same
it's flat
there's the most
shiniest
new
pickup trucks
you've ever seen
in your life
i've never seen
so many shiny
brand new
pickup trucks
in my
four-door
pickup trucks
in my life
that look like
they just
they just got
taken right off
the showroom
floor
can you hear my
stomach growling by
the way
i'm having a steak
dinner tonight
so i just ate light
like an hour and a
half ago
i had a soup and a
salad
fucking old
bastard
by the way
i'm up to 70 pounds
on the lat
pull-down machine
huh you like that
the fucking
rotator cup
is uh
rehabbing
and uh
person helped me out
told me i need to get up to
about 120 pounds
on that thing
and i have to d