Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 8-6-18
Uploaded: 2018-08-06T22:29:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 8-6-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 8-6-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-06. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 8-6-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
August 6th, 2018. What's going on? How are you? How you doing?
I am back. I am back in Los Angeles. You know, I think about Los Angeles now.
Everywhere else I go is just as hot as here, but it's not as nice.
Oh, everybody walking around sweating their balls off.
You know, you might as well be out here in Hollywood with all the real people,
the forward-thinking, progressive people.
How we push the needle, we change the needle, we drive the sled, whatever the
fuck.
Whatever the fuck we're always saying about ourselves.
And you won't find anybody out here more phonier than me. Okay? I'm telling you
that right now.
You're going to meet me and you're going to be like, wow, that guy is so down
to earth.
And I want you to know, it is all an act. Okay?
You're not on my level.
Sorry.
Anyways, I just got back from, I did Rochester, New York.
I believe that's the first time I did a gig out there.
Did it with Dean Del Rey. Dean Del Rey murdering.
You know, stealing the spotlight.
Everybody fucking, you know, flipping out about him.
You know, he's so interesting with his glasses and his tattoos.
And I just come out, right?
Fucking old milquetoast Freddy, right?
Nobody cares.
No, I had a great time.
I had a great time with that crowd.
What a beautiful fucking goddamn town.
What a gorgeous, why can't I just say it was a beautiful town?
What a beautiful effing GD town.
I have got to stop cursing around my kid.
I have to, I have to do that.
I'm starting to do it with adults where I just say like, yeah, the effing guy
is an a-hole.
And then I just go, sorry, I got a kid.
I need to practice.
But is that any better?
Because then my kid's going to be walking around like, yeah, he's an effing a-hole,
right?
It's people that are still going to be like, I don't know.
It probably would still be adorable.
Because I have to tell you, I just came home.
And it was her nap time.
But she, I didn't, so I was expecting her to be asleep.
But it was five minutes into her nap time.
But we have her on a schedule.
And so I figured for sure she'd be taking a nap.
And I came home and she wasn't.
I was like tiptoeing in the house.
And I just heard these little feet come running out.
Da-da, da-da, da-da.
It is the best.
It's the best thing ever.
One of the few things in life that is not overhyped.
Having a kid is the greatest thing ever.
So anyways, Rochester, New York.
Gorgeous, right?
So I get there.
And first thing I see is a giant brick factory.
Giant factory, smokestacks, the whole thing.
There's a little bit of steam coming out of one of them.
But, you know, we're flying in and I'm looking down.
And I, you know, I'm doing all this.
I have a private pilot's license.
So I'm looking at the clouds, trying to guess what's going on here.
There's a bunch of, like, you know, patches of clouds.
A little poof here, a little poof there, a little poof.
So what does that tell me?
That tells me that there's a lot of uneven air there, that we're going to have
a little turbulence, okay?
Because the air is being pushed up in certain areas.
It's not just straight across.
If it was straight across and it was even and they weren't, like, all big and puffy,
you'd think, okay, that's kind of some smooth fucking air there.
Right?
I don't know if I'm right.
Ground school was a long time ago and I fly out here in L.A. and there's really
no weather unless you go along the coast every once in a while.
So I look down and I see this factory.
And like I said, it looks like an old school thing.
They brew in some beer.
Are they making some steel?
What are they doing there?
And I look down and there's this giant empty parking lot.
I couldn't see any cars.
And so I was like, you know, they'll just turn that into lofts.
Everything just gets turned into a place to live.
You know, a place where we made something or it was a place to go do something.
They'll just take it and they'll turn it into lofts.
And it's just like, we kept a lot of the character of this place where we used
to make things.
So would you like to move into this luxury apartment with your Gucci bags, even
though you're only making 50 grand a fucking year?
Whatever, whatever the fuck it is, people, please don't be that person,
everybody, because old freckles.
I got a bad I got a bad feeling, man.
It's like things are not adding up out there.
Everybody is walking around with these Kardashian level outfits or a lot of
people are.
And the amount of fucking 20-somethings I see driving around in BMWs.
It's like, does everybody have a fucking rich dad out there?
You're driving around in a BMW, okay, with your fucking Gucci glasses and all
of this shit.
And then this is the thing.
Nobody's at work.
There's traffic 24 fucking seven.
I looked at a census.
The population really isn't, at least the legal population, isn't really
growing in this country.
I don't think if you're an illegal, I don't think you're driving around in a
fucking BMW attracting all kinds of attention to yourself.
So, unless everybody's a fucking Uber driver.
But then where are they driving all those people during the day?
They're all late for work?
I don't know.
I don't know what's going on.
This happens.
This happens like every fucking, once every 10 years.
You know, first time I saw it was in the 80s.
Everybody was doing blow.
All the yuppies.
Everybody was fucking walking around with the Rolex and all of this fucking
shit.
And then right there, Fred!
Over!
All of a sudden, you're fucking, you had nothing left in your nose like you've
been boxing for 20 years.
Right?
Skinny ties are out.
Z Cavarici jeans are in.
You're a fucking cokehead.
You fucked up your whole life and they repossessed your BMW.
Then in the 90s, right?
It was a little rough time there.
A little rough time there.
And then, you know, Bill Clinton came in.
According to the Democrats, he turned it all around.
He saved it.
There was a zero fucking, you know, we had no debt.
He got us out of debt.
You know, of course, you know, he used a couple of vaginas as a humidor.
But, you know, everybody's going to have their faults.
What was he supposed to do?
Balance the budget, play the saxophone, and not fuck around on his wife?
I mean, something's got to give.
And I'm telling you that right now as a sober fucking person who has not drank
since June.
Something has got to give.
You know?
Maybe you go out, you know, maybe you don't give in to the booze.
Okay?
Maybe you don't bang an intern.
All right?
But if you lay off the ice cream and you don't watch internet porn and you're
going to paint yourself into a corner.
And next thing you know, you're driving down the street, talking to yourself,
going, am I really going to go out here and, I guess, do a thrill kill?
Is that what I'm going to do?
Am I going to kill a hitchhiker right now?
To just somehow inject some sort of a rush into my life, right?
Sorry.
Anyways, I'm coming off the wagon tomorrow for one day.
For one day only.
Me and Joe DeRosa.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, ho, ho.
I'll tell you right now.
If our livers could talk, they would say, let me up.
Throw in the towel.
Get off of me.
I don't know what they would say, but it would be, they would give us a fucking,
a thrashing if they could speak.
Anyways, that sounds like a fucking book.
If your organs could speak, right?
And you just stretch it out over like, you know, how many organs do you have?
Like 10?
You know, one day is your liver.
Next day is your kidneys.
You know?
And then one day it's your dick.
What would your dick say to you?
You know, nothing smart.
You know?
Your dick's never going to be like, why did we fuck that girl?
You know?
Your fucking, your brain says that.
Your dick never says that.
Your dick goes, well, I mean, she was there.
Anyways.
Anyways.
I'm trying to, pancreas is just, would be like the fucking, just, the grizzled
vet.
You know?
Union toll booth worker.
Just sitting there with a cigarette dangling out of his fucking mouth.
Doesn't give a shit, right?
It's getting close to retirement.
I think your kidneys would be the most progressive and annoying.
You could just drink some more water.
Sorry.
Anyways.
So then after, um, what is it?
After, uh, Rochester, I then drove down.
Beautiful, beautiful drive from Rochester all the way down into, uh, Western
Pennsylvania and
then down into Youngstown, which I'd never gone to.
And I always thought Youngstown was like three hours away from Ohio.
It's like an hour and a half.
I thought Akron was way down there too.
I thought they were way down the fucking East side, down near, uh, Pittsburgh
and shit,
but they're not.
They're right there.
So I went, got to go to famous Youngstown.
Uh, didn't get to see shit.
I came in.
I saw that there was some sort of Italian feast festival going on in the
streets, which
I would have loved to partake in, but I'm on my diet.
Okay.
I'm getting my revenge body, everybody.
Uh, no, I'm sticking to my diet here.
I'm actually doing really well with it, uh, until this morning.
I couldn't find a place in the, in the, in the airport that had oatmeal.
So I just, I got some bacon and eggs with hash browns and toast, but every
other, every
other meal I ate, I ate the way I was supposed to be eating.
So whatever, that was my one fuck up and you don't have a cheat day.
You have a cheat meal.
So that was a cheat fucking meal.
I got on the plane and the, and, and the fucking stewardess was like, uh, you
know, I
always have my headphones on.
Right.
And so she's got a wave in front of me and I go, yes.
And she goes, what would you like to drink?
I said, water with ice.
I go, that's all I want.
That's all I want.
I'm good.
All right.
And five seconds later, she's waving at me again.
Would you like the breakfast?
I almost got mad at her.
Like, how the fuck did she know that that's what I meant for the whole flight?
So I was like, no, no, I'm good.
I'm good.
I'll just have the fucking water.
You don't want anything.
I didn't say that, but I thought it and she, I could tell she was good at
reading people
and she sensed it and she's like, this guy's a douche.
And you know, what's funny was I was still wearing my suit and tie that I had
worn at the
rough and rowdy taping the night before.
Cause I just didn't feel like packing the suit.
And every once in a while, if you have a backpack and a little wheelie carry on,
if you also
have the garment bag, there'll be somebody like the Dudley do right, you know,
like the cop
in the middle of nowhere that has no excitement.
So they got to like fucking, you know, see how far away from the curb you
parked so they
can give you a ticket.
Someone will say, I'm sorry, sir.
You have three items.
You know, and then she puts me.
Okay.
In the position to say, Oh, excuse me, ma'am.
I'm flying first class.
I'm allowed to break the rules.
Okay.
I have, I have, I go to your sky lounge.
Do you understand?
Do you have any idea what the fuck my dad does?
She puts me in that position or he, but I never say that, but I definitely
think it.
And that's what makes me down to earth is I don't say the things that I think.
So then the world has no idea how fucking arrogant I am.
See that?
That's how that works.
But you got to have a little bit of arrogance in life.
If you don't, then no one's ever going to make a statue of you.
That's how it works.
So anyway, so we're all waiting to line up and they're doing the usual thing.
Anybody active military duty?
Anybody with kids, anybody with less than four limbs, you can board the plane
now and all this shit.
Nobody budges.
I'm like, Oh, great.
Here comes group one.
And all of a sudden this fucking dude, right?
Bald.
He's got the horseshoe, you know, buzzed down, but he didn't shave the rest of
it.
Walks by perfectly fine.
No camouflage.
No fucking limbs missing.
No kids.
You know, can see.
He's not deaf.
He just walks by all of us.
He goes, Hey, how you doing?
The guy goes, Hey, what's up?
And he just fucking beeps h