Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-9-18
Uploaded: 2018-08-09T20:10:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-9-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-9-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-09. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-9-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Just checking in on you. Seeing how you're doing, seeing how your week's going,
right out of the gate.
I gotta plug something for my best friend in the world, Paul Verzi, the pride
of Trenton, New Jersey.
Oh, the fucking tulip in the garden, at the Garden State.
Paul Verzi is going to be playing the Gotham Comedy Club in New York City this
Friday, 8 and 10 p.m. shows, and this Saturday, 8 and 10 p.m. shows.
That's August 10th and August 11th.
Best friend in the world with the best club owners in the business.
The Mazzillis, the Mazzilli Brothers, straight shooters.
My whole career, they always gave it to me straight, right from the very
beginning.
Bill, you're not funny.
Find another career, okay?
Stop bugging us for spots.
Always for straight shooters.
You know what's funny is actually in Scarface, they actually, the first pass of
that, first cut of that movie, he actually said the Mazzilli Brothers.
Hey, fuck the fucking Mazzilli Brothers, right?
And then they're like, no, no, it's gotta sound, it's gotta sound more Latino.
And there's a bunch of white guys standing around, and they were like, uh, Diaz?
Diaz?
Hey, let's do it.
Fucking throw that in there.
Speaking of things Latin that white people don't understand, what the fuck is
going on over at Taco Bell?
Can somebody explain to me how, in such a sensitive day and age, where people
are just, you know, having to apologize over any little fucking thing, how they
advertise on TV their bastardized version of Latin, Latin, how the fuck are you
supposed to say it?
What is that fucking incestuous shit that they keep, like, every time you think
they can't get one of their sandwiches to fuck another sandwich and make a new
sandwich, they somehow do it.
They'll fucking, okay, first they just had tacos, they had burritos, they had
quesadillas, which I don't even know if quesadillas, if they even have those in
Mexico.
I don't know.
I'm just a white guy who grew up in white schools listening to white history,
right?
They never took, my entire time in school, they never, they didn't even bring
up Mexico.
I think it was the Spanish-American War they would bring up.
We thought it was in fucking Mexico, and evidently it was in the South Pacific.
We didn't fucking know.
All our history, every year, started the same, it started with the fucking
pilgrims coming over on the May flower.
The Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, and I don't know who Mayflower was.
Was that the fucking Pete Best of the ships there?
Or was that the Diana Ross?
I have no fucking idea.
All right, and then there was that other guy, Jones, or some shit.
He settled down there in Virginia.
If I remember correctly, he settled down in Virginia, right?
What the fuck is going on with my mixer here?
I don't know.
And he started banging that Native American chick, right?
He got a fucking mohawk, got some moccasins, started using a bow and arrow.
And then they suddenly, they tried to say that the Native Americans killed him.
Right?
I guess because they didn't like him banging one of their women.
But, you know, I bet, I actually think it might have been the white people.
They came over and they thought he was a sellout.
They're like, hey dude, how come you don't have a buckle on your hat?
You know?
How come your gun isn't flaring out like Elmer Fudd's at the end?
You know?
Why's your girlfriend got such a wonderful, beautiful tan there?
And then they took him out.
And then they blamed it on the Native Americans.
And then they said that, you know, they were standing their ground.
And they wiped him out.
And then afterwards, they all moved to Florida.
And they fucked each other incestuously.
Just like the food at Taco Bell.
And that's why you now, to this day, have to stand your ground fucking brew.
You know, I finally saw the footage of that latest stand your ground thing.
I just, I don't fucking understand how anybody can't say that that's just
fucking murder.
Second degree fucking murder.
But, you know, you watch, this guy will get acquitted.
Two things I'm always wrong on.
The stand your ground footage.
And did he or did he not make a football move?
I never get those right.
I'm like, that's a fucking touchdown.
After further review.
You know, that's murder.
After further review.
The white guy was, was.
Clearly felt threatened as the black guy was walking away.
Dude, this latest one, right?
This, this, this guy, right?
Black dude with his, his wife or girlfriend.
I think there was a kid in the car.
Not sure, right?
They pull in, they park in a handicapped spot.
So the white dude, like the pussy that he is, waits till the guy goes in the
store and then starts yelling at this guy's girlfriend or wife.
The guy comes walking out.
The guy's yelling at his wife.
So he goes over and he pushes him down like a big brother sticking up for his
little sister.
He pushed him down like they're on the playground.
And this fucking asshole pulls out a gun like this guy's standing over him with
an axe or something.
And the guy literally starts to turn to walk away and he sees him take out the
gun and he turns and looks back at him like what the fuck?
And the guy shoots him in cold blood.
Cold blood.
And I guarantee you, he's gonna get off.
He will get off.
It's fucking unreal.
It's unreal.
But that's what happens.
That's what happens when you have a bunch of people fucking, you know, in the
same puddle the way that they're doing with the food over there at Taco Bell.
How do they get away with it?
All this shit about appropriating culture and everything and they just, they
just, I don't know.
I think they've just gone so fucking, it's like the island of Dr. Moreau meets
Mexican food.
It's kind of like Hanna-Barbera too, where they just, they only had like two or
three ideas and somehow they spun it into like 40 different cartoons.
All right, we got an idea for a cartoon.
You ever seen The Honeymooners?
Yeah, it's that, except it's in the Stone Age.
It's called The Flintstones.
Oh, we love it.
We love it.
You got any more ideas?
Yeah.
You know, The Honeymooners that we stuck in the Stone Age?
It was The Flintstones.
Now we're sticking it in the future.
It's called The Jetsons.
Oh yeah, you got any more shows?
Ah, yeah.
This is a fucking, uh, this is a bear.
I don't know.
And this one, this one's a lion.
They're all animals.
This one's a fucking ape.
There's always going to be one tall one and one short one.
I think the high water mark was Jinx the cat.
All right?
Um, I like Jinx the cat.
He was, he was really, he was, he was fucking cool.
Hey, uh, like, uh, why don't you scram out of here?
I'm sorry.
I'm literally doing a Jinx the cat impression.
Well, what do you, what do you want from me, huh?
What do you want from me?
I'm just a white guy, man.
All the doors swing wide open for me.
Um, I watched an episode of Mannix the other day.
I'm loving me TV.
I'm loving it, you know?
It's just TV shows, there's commercials, there's a schedule.
It's how I used to watch TV, okay?
There's, there's out of shape old white guys chasing down people half their age,
rolling over hoods of cars.
It's just like, yeah, there's a live band that played the soundtrack.
I mean, it's just, it's, I'm, I'm doing what I shouldn't be doing right now.
Is, I'm, I'm turning the wagon around and I'm going back to where I fucking was
and I will quickly become irrelevant, but I, I can't, I can't lay off me TV.
I watched this episode of Mannix, right?
He drives a Dodge Dart, like the fucking GT version of some shit.
I didn't, I never even heard of that car.
He always had to have the cool car, right?
He's a loner, he's not married.
They're always loners, they're always not married.
That way they can get laid in every fucking, every show.
It's totally, the show is just totally designed for unhappily married guys,
right?
Like, why did I get married?
I should have stayed single and fucking solved crime.
Driving around in a cool car and just fucking banging somebody different 34
times a year.
That's basically how many episodes they did, right?
So I'm watching Mannix and it's this episode where there's this hit man in a
fucking phone booth
and he's talking about a murder he just committed and this woman's staring at
him
and then she starts staring at his lips and shit, right?
And I'm like, what the fuck is this, right?
Turns out she's deaf.
What?
She's deaf.
Sorry, easy joke.
So she knows what's up.
So they go to the cops.
The cops don't, what's the guy look like?
What?
Get out of here, you deaf lady, right?
They don't listen to her.
But Mannix happens to be walking by.
He's a private eye.
I don't know what he's doing down at the fucking, at the police station.
Maybe he's down there fucking, you know, trying to get some work, you know,
get a couple of fucking free donuts and coffee.
I don't know why he's down there, but he was down there.
He was fucking down there, right?
So, um, he just, he sees them yelling to deaf chick and he's just like,
hey man, you know, uh, that's an interesting story.
I think I can help you out with that, you know?
Because she was like so surprised that she saw it.
She was so upset she couldn't really give them any details.
So Mannix, because he's Mannix, because he's a loner,
because he has no woman in his life that he has to answer to,
he actually has the fucking time, spur of the moment, to take on this fucking
case.
Right?
And what's funny is, I just, like, who the fuck was paying him?
The whole episode, he did the, he did it, was it pro bono?
Was that free?
Is that the right expression?
You know, they were going down to report a fucking crime.
They weren't saying, hey, help solve this fucking crime.
He takes it on.
So they cut to the next scene and he's, the deaf woman is freaking out because
Mannix is yelling at her.
Go, come on, you gotta remember, we gotta go through this again.
Right?
And her friend is going, Jesus Christ, dude, take it easy.
He goes, there's a woman's life at stake.
And the deaf lady, she's fucking holding her head and shit.
He basically just verbally abuses her until she can fucking remember what this
guy looks like.
And, uh, it kind of goes from there.
And, uh, I don't know.
I don't even want to talk about this shit.
I'm just saying, you gotta watch me TV.
It's fucking tremendous.
It's fucking tremendous.
Especially, you know, you go on all these other shows and it's like 2018 and
then you just turn the fucking channel.
And it goes back to it.
I swear to God, the way they treated women back then, the parts that they gave
them, the way that they talked to them, their idea, like, like, the women would
walk in and they were nothing but sex objects.
Every fucking woman, right, comes in and they just start playing a saxophone.
I'm trying to think what they played for the deaf woman.
They probably played like a muted trumpet or something, but still, they played
it in a sexy way.
Um, I don't know what I'm talking about.
How about those Red Sox, everybody?
Dropping 20 runs, 10 a night on the Toronto Blue Jays.
Hey, Geddy Lee, you liking that shit, huh?
I'll never forgive that guy.
I remember reading an interview when he was at a Blue Jays game and he was
fucking making fun of Red Sox fans that were up there, you know?
I'll never forget that.
I was just like, oh, okay, Geddy, that's how you want to play it?
Huh?
With your fucking 12-string bass guitar and your songs about space or whatever
the fuck you're talking about up there?
Um, honestly, I have legit, like, sports dislike.
Not an honest dislike.
You know?
But if I ever met the guy, I would definitely bring it up.
Um, because I am, uh, I'm childish.
Anyways.
Red Sox keep winning.
Yankees are just one, too.
You know, all the Yankee fans had their fucking head in the oven.
Then all of a sudden, what happens?
They get a new pitcher.
He goes up.
He strikes fucking everybody out.
And