Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 8-13-18
Uploaded: 2018-08-13T22:00:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 8-13-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 8-13-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-13. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 8-13-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
august 13th 2017 what's going on how are you um i figured out what the problem
was with the volume
last time you know on my podcast i was like i can't figure this out how come
how come the volume
i got everything all turned up i actually had two microphones uh plugged in and
i was on the one
that was turned all the way down so you were hearing it i was speaking into a
dead mic
next to a mic that was live oh bill you're so unprofessional hey man i'm
fucking dry
um i had a major breakthrough major breakthrough in my life i don't know if you
read about it
in the new york times the washington post the fucking des moines uh what would
they say the
des moines herald i don't know um i moved to my house fucking seven years ago
and one of the
housewarming gifts that i got was a food processor oh i should have said
processor right i got a food
processor and this fucking thing never worked i plugged it in i did there but
that but that just would not
fucking work so years later i bought a smaller one for when i was on the road
when i was going to make
myself some smoothies hi fellas it's gonna make myself some smoothies so i
could get my abs you know
so i could show up at the clam bake and everybody could be like oh what
happened to bill he's still
blinding white but good god is he chiseled is he chiseled can't you can't tell
that's one of the sad
things no matter how good a shape i get in you won't notice because i'm so
blindly uh uh white i'm
chalk white it just you just can't see it you know what i mean you know but you
know where's my hashtag
what about me what about my pain um having to wear sweatpants all the way
through summer
just avoid the bullying uh anyways this fucking food processor wasn't work
wouldn't work so i got
the little one and the little one worked a couple of times then it wouldn't
work then sometimes it
work and then it wouldn't work i'm like boy what the fuck are these things
short out what's going on
with them so you know what i fuck you know so anyways i'm on this diet right
now i got a nutritionist
every fucking thing is you know uh you know take some almonds and fucking dice
them up with i don't
know if you've ever tried to do that on a cutting board with a knife they go
flying all over the place
but if you have a word a food processor i always want to call it a word process
a food processor
why why it's a jiffy you know you just put it in and it's you feel like fucking
rachel ray
you're spinning around you're like how come i'm not hosting a cooking show oh
that's right
because the last redhead was out there grabbing tits without asking
so there's another black hole in this business for gingers um
first the guy from nypd blue takes off from his fucking series like after one
season to have a movie
career in jade and all those movies which were good they didn't do well at the
box office and then
they were like that's it fuck redheads fuck redhead males in the lead we knew
it we knew it from day one
even when we were making black head black and white fucking movies
fuck redheads you know and eric stoltz immediately felt the effects of that
um it's all it takes one redhead to go out there and fuck it up
then they just stick us on the bench for a while um i'm just with you guys
anyways
um i'm on my own journey what i do and what i ask the universe for is what i'm
going to get
you have to have blinders on yet maybe empathetic and be aware of others
um so anyways i went to this kid's birthday party on and uh it was this christmas
themed party
which seemed nuts to me and then i showed up and it was awesome they had the ac
cranking
they had the christmas songs going it was the kid's birthday it was incredible
it was actually it was a great time they had a basketball hoop all the little
kids were out there
trying to dunk that was funny every kid was dunking because that's all they
show that's all they show
um on the highlights you know the only way you can take the only way a jump
shot makes a highlight now
is if you cross the other guy over and he fell down and 30 people have to run
by the screen going
oh after you did it you know like if larry bird played right now he would never
make it on the sports
center um i don't understand the running around all that like somebody could
literally take a full
water bottle flip it upside down and if it lands on top everybody acting like
the dude just levitated
oh i'm an old man whatever i'm slowly feeling it slipping away and i'm watching
young people enjoy
themselves the new way that human beings enjoy themselves and evidently i don't
approve
how will the millennial generation survive do you have any idea what the
my dad does
so anyways i uh
i come home all right everything they had at the birthday party i couldn't eat
i was being that la
douche that was on a diet these wonderful people made all this amazing guy it
was
unbelievable they had gingerbread men in august okay gingerbread men that could
fuck with anybody's december level gingerbread men as a ginger i wasn't even
offended
okay that's how good these cookies looked oh they had cupcakes they had rice
crispy treats then they had
this this breaded chicken that just it just looked bites it just looked fucking
incredible
right and was also at the thing and one of the the husband was a uh was was a
uh a bourbon whiskey scotch
guy and he's the only guy i've ever seen that had a bottle of monkey shoulder
and that's what i
found when i was over in france that i finished in three nights by the way
which is why old freckles
are still on the wagon okay my fucking my liver's still you know talking to me
about that one
never gonna let it go you know just like your chick you know you did that one
fucking thing oh
they're gonna bring it up for years right so anyway so i come home and you know
i'm fucking starving
all i drank there was waters and um i had a santa hat on it was fucking awesome
anyways so uh
come back to the house and now i'm trying to chop up these goddamn fucking
almonds i'm like
this let me get that little food processor right and i fucking put it together
and lo and behold the
fucking thing works i'm like fine great so i take the top off whatever and i go
to put my
shit in i put the top back on and that doesn't work again and i'm losing my
shit so my wife keeps coming in and out so now i have an outlet for my anger
my poor wife right you know it's one of these deals like i'm frustrated over
here and then
it just becomes like how many times you're gonna come in and out of the door
you know you do one
of those and then look what is your problem like oh jesus christ that's gonna
be a 40 minute
conversation there goes my evening and that's exactly what happened well long
story short i was trying
to make some almond crusted baked chicken breast eight ounces to be exact
saving the rest from my lunch
tomorrow with a greek yogurt yogurt and and dill dip or whatever the fuck i had
you know and um
you know the whole i just said it i'm just gonna make this chicken plain and i'll
just eat it with
the dip and that's what i did and i've stuck to the diet right so you know my
wife read me the riot act
what an asshole i am and you know i couldn't argue because she was right at
that point my stomach was
full and i was able to look back on what i had just done pretty clearly at that
point i was just
like yeah i don't think i would be liking me right now either um so i sat there
and i nodded and i
agreed and then i tried to make some points which is always bad when you're
that much in the rung but
you know it's just how i'm wired you know i said you know i'm down 42 nothing i'm
still gonna try
gonna try to kick a field goal okay um so that took a day and a half to
apologize completely for
and i had to make her laugh a lot and she already doesn't like me you know we're
having like a rough
time right now because i'm on this diet and i keep making extra shit but it's
for my next
you know meal and she just she just you know she's coming by like it's a buffet
she'd be like
i like veggie tacos i'm like yeah but there's only like this is all measured
and they wait to after
you fucking make it it looks good guys and then you gotta be like no you can't
well you're not gonna
eat all of it yeah but i'm gonna have it tomorrow this is how this works okay
turn your key
there's there's a launch sequence to this it already started um
so that just keeps being a problem because she feels like i'm not sharing and
so what i keep
doing is i keep giving her a bite of this bland sugar-free salt-free shit that
i'm eating i'm like
you sure you want some of this you know she had some of my oatmeal and almond
fucking pancakes yesterday
peaches in it peaches in it the chopped peaches in it that was the that was the
oasis you had to keep
running to as you worked your way through all of that stuff all right but i
will tell you you know
i feel fucking tremendous my energy's through the goddamn roof um so anyways
the next morning i wake
up to make my fucking almond goddamn motherfucking oatmeal pancakes
and now i'm calm you know i had my hot water with lemon i'm sitting there i'm
by myself
you know am i no no no i'm never by myself that's right i had already brought
my daughter up
and i fed her and she was watching puppy dog pals and i had her in the high
chair she was locked in
you know she had a little sippy cup and she was fucking you know loving life
so i went out there and i was just like i'm gonna figure out how to use these
fucking word
these food processors not word processor food processor and i got this giant
bin where i keep
all the instruction manuals throughout the years for every fucking thing i've
ever owned like i have
instruction manuals for my refrigerator like what do you need to know how to
open and close the
the fucking door right i don't know i want it to be colder temperature down
arrow arrow arrow right um
anyways i ended up finding the fucking um instructional manual for both of them
and this
fucking food processor that i got seven years ago i realized always worked it's
just with the food
processor there's only one way that it goes together and i know this is basics
for a lot of you
fucking you know people you know who don't think outside the box the way i do
who don't have faith in
your own abilities to just put something together you have to cheat and look at
the instructions see what
i'm doing here i'm making myself a hero um anyways yes bill we do see what you're
doing here um
so i uh i got it out and there's like there's only one way that it can go
together where it's still
going to work because there's no way they're going to let you put it together
wrong or have the top
off and have that blade spinning because you know somebody somehow fucking
stuck their hand to their
face in it and died right you know or had the top off and then realized they
had some ingredient
on the top shelf and the cover right above it and they got up above it you know
and they were squatting
as they were going to stand up you know and old matt and ben hung down there
right and got all shredded
so what kills me what i've learned about food processors is all of them will go
together about
three to four different ways but only one way you can put it together and it
will work and that's what the
problem was um the problem is really that i didn't um i didn't read the manual
but now it's kind of
fascinating it's sort of like this it's like this electric current fucking
thing it's just like it will
go to here now it will go pass through the handle and then pass through the top
and now you can
fucking dice your goddamn almonds i'll get a fucking text message here what is
the problem
oh jesus christ anyways so i now have a word processor in my life a food
processor fuck
processes the food and i gotta tell you it's been awesome and i got that little
one
i know how that works so now i can bring that on the road and make some
s