Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-23-18
Uploaded: 2018-08-24T17:41:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-23-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-23-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-24. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-23-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
I'm just checking in on you, do-da, do-da. How's your fucking cubicle, old-a-do-da-day?
What's going on? Happy Thursday, everybody. You're almost there.
I'll tell you, this weekend just cannot come soon enough. Oh, fucking suck it
up, Mary.
They're paying you to do a fucking job. Go ahead and do it. What are you going
to do this weekend that's going to make you less of a fucking goddamn wet
diaper to be around next week?
This weekend can't come soon enough. Oh, yeah? Who are you hanging out with
that you're going to dump all your fucking problems on?
Sorry. You wouldn't know it, but I'm in a great mood.
I'm in a fucking great mood.
Tomorrow morning, I'm taking an early flight. I'm flying out to a casino in
Maryland, doing one or two shows out there.
I'm not sure. I don't know what. Just point me at the stage, and I will go out
there and do my little fucking dance.
But Red Sox finally won last night. What did I do? Did I call it?
Or did I not call it? All of these guys, I don't know why you guys continue to
watch ESPN when the Monday morning podcast and the Thursday afternoon, just
before Friday, Monday morning podcast exists.
Okay? Why do you put on that? Okay, they're professionals. Okay, they went to
broadcasting school. Okay, they pay attention to sports way more than I do.
Having said that, according to my ego, nobody reads the sports tea leaves
better than me.
Of course, that isn't true. But the one thing I am right about is all these
people that flip out during the regular season about gaudy records and all that
shit.
All the fucking wins the Red Sox have. We've seen this before. We saw the
Seattle Mariners do it.
They won 120-something games. Came home with no fucking hardware.
They came home with their pockets turned inside out.
And I'll tell you right now, there were a lot of lumberjacks in Seattle crying
on Monday.
All right?
Now, I know that I have a well-earned reputation as being a bit of a curmudgeon.
A bit of a fucking wet blanket.
A bit of a freck of cunt. All right?
Guilty on all counts.
But I'll tell you one thing I'm right about.
Other than my misogynistic opinions about women.
I am right about the regular season.
Okay?
And I'm here to tell all of you to fucking stand down.
With this screaming and yelling.
On every fucking sport.
Okay?
Fucking relax.
What you want to do is you take all the stats of all the fucking 90% of the
teams of whatever sport you're watching.
Sometimes only 40% if you're watching hockey.
The amount of fucking teams that are not going to win the playoffs.
You take all of those fucking stats.
All right?
As the Rock used to say, you turn them up sideways and straight up your candy
ass.
Because they don't mean shit.
Because you're not going to see those people come fucking October.
So what did I say when I jumped on the Red Sox bandwagon six hours ago?
I said, we got the Indians twice.
We got the Houston Astros.
And we got the Yankees two more fucking times.
Okay?
Now, if we lay waste to those teams, I can get excited.
But even then, the playoffs are different.
Joe Buck's there.
There's more cameras.
Everybody's watching.
All right?
People get a little tight.
You never know what the fuck can happen.
So anyways, I've been telling you guys.
And yes, I am patting myself on the back.
I told you.
Everybody's sleeping on the Indians and Terry Francona.
And what happens?
What does Terry do?
He comes right out.
In the first two fucking games, he makes us look like a 500 ball club.
Handled us with ease.
That's two wins.
Two more and you just took a series.
All right?
I know we got Chris Sale and I know we got Price.
Okay?
But that's only going to get us two there.
All right?
And I think Terry Francona is the best manager in fucking baseball.
And evidently, they got this guy Brad Hand or some shit.
Closer.
I know his last name's Hand.
All right?
Very impressive.
Lights out.
I know we won last night and everything.
But I'm just saying.
You know?
But that's what they do over there.
The ESPNs.
The Fox Sports.
They are in the business of saying the sky is falling or sending something to
the fucking moon.
They send it to the moon.
And when the sky falls, they have the balls to say what happens.
What happened?
Rather than being like, wow.
We were fucking wrong again.
All they do is hype shit up over there.
They did the greatest team ever.
I mean, how many fucking times have they...
How do you compare the 2018 Red Sox to the 96 Bulls?
And it's always the 96 Bulls, by the way.
Everybody ignores the 1983 Philadelphia 76ers.
Okay?
One of the most underrated teams of all fucking time.
Anyways, I was very relieved that we got a win last night.
I'm going to try to watch the game tonight.
And I hope he split with them.
But, I mean, I love our manager and all our players and all that shit.
But every time I see Terry Francona, I say, she's the best.
You know?
I don't know what happens.
You just...
Have you just, like...
Familiarity breeds contempt?
Is that what it is?
How do you say that word?
Familiarity.
Familiarity.
Hang on a second.
That's one of those ones.
You start the word, and then you get halfway through it, and you're like, oh,
my God.
I'm not going to make it.
And you have, like...
You're talking to three people at the same time at the party.
You just see all of them.
Ever so slightly, you see their faces drop, and they realize how dumb the
person they are
that they're talking to is.
All right.
Familiarity.
I didn't even spell it right.
All right.
How do you say this?
Okay, everybody.
Here we go.
You ready?
Whoops.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Familiarity.
Familiarity.
No.
Familiarity.
Familiarity.
Yerity.
Familiarity.
Dude, you know what it is?
It's his familiarity of the ballpark.
He ain't fucking scared when he gets sick on a counter.
He knows all the nooks and crannies.
I said it right.
Yerity.
Yeah, familiarity.
You don't believe me?
Listen to the fucking robot white guy on my computer.
Familiarity.
See?
Go fuck yourself.
Get me a Bud Light, kid.
Watching my waistline for the end of the summer.
Speaking of which.
Oh, and then the Red Sox.
They had some fucking little, as the English would say, little cheeky fucking
tweet there.
I didn't like it.
You know, we apologize to our fans for our lengthy losing streak.
Why would you do that?
You know?
This is what you got to ask yourself.
What would Bill Belichick do?
All right?
I just lobbed that over the net.
He fucking cheated.
I know you guys would say that.
Cut his sleeves off his sweater and fucking blind a child to get an ice cream
cone quicker?
You're all jealous.
But funny.
Anyways.
Yeah, why would you give Bolton board material?
Why would you motivate any other fucking team?
You know?
I think that's a stupid move.
And that's what happens when you go on Twitter.
And they probably read all these Red Sox fans.
Freaking the fuck out.
You know?
If they got 50,000 tweets, I bet 30,000 were sent by Dan Shaughnessy.
Oh, I always got to make fun of him.
Is this the 1978 season all over again?
Are they going to chant 2013 at us?
Anyways.
Tonight.
Tonight.
Big, big, big fucking matchup.
Who's on the hill for the Indians?
I have no idea.
But the Indians are my team if the Red Sox don't make it this year.
I'd like to see them get one.
Even though I'm going to have to watch people in the stands have those stupid
Cleveland shirts that say,
Defend the land.
I just fucking, I think that might be the worst one.
Okay?
Yankees sing YMCA during the seventh inning stretch.
You think that's bad, right?
All these fucking fat, hairy fucking Brooklyn cunts, right?
You think that's bad.
And then you go up to Boston and this, what is, what is it?
Sweet Caroline.
The thing is, is you got to have like a song for dumb people.
You know, like if you just hum the melody of YMCA, it's, a Buddhist monk would
probably tell you that's some sort of Zen thing where you just have a complete
inability to have any sort of thought in your head.
You know?
Like think about your future while you're going.
That's it.
It's over.
And then the tempo of it, young men walking down the fucking street because you
can't dance, right?
Just white guys walking around in a square.
You know?
As their girlfriend looks over the shoulder at the black guy in the background.
Anyways, and you just think it can't get any bad, worse than that.
You know?
I mean, that's pretty bad because it's, it's douche behavior combined with
music.
I mean, that's usually takes the cake, but defend the land.
The land.
What land?
Cleveland?
You mean the one you guys all fucking abandoned?
It's a fucking ghost town.
Driving from your fucking plush neighborhood.
All those fucking rich cunts out there in greater Cleveland, you know, in their
gated communities,
sitting out there eating their brats and their fucking 14-carat big green eggs,
you know?
Then they come downtown like they're fucking Paul Revere.
I'm going to defend the land and go to a game for three hours and then quickly
retreat back to my cul-de-sac.
The Lexus fucking riding mower.
The amount of money in greater Cleveland is just insane.
By the way, I have no idea what greater Cleveland is like.
But anyway, is it, is it that much difficult to be greater than Cleveland?
Oh, see what I did there?
Sorry.
Anyways, having said that, uh, I love the Indians.
My dad was a big Indians fan growing up.
Indians and Tigers were his two teams because he moved around a lot there.
So, anyways, speaking of that, late last night, I somehow, you know, went down
this, this fucking, you know, what do they call it?
The rabbit hole on YouTube.
And I ended up watching this YouTube video about every quarterback the Detroit
Lions have ever had.
You know?
And, uh, they've had a lot of fucking quarterbacks.
Not a lot of offensive linemen, but they have had a lot of fucking quarterbacks.
Um, fascinating, fascinating franchise.
Allegedly, it's the curse of Bobby Lane.
It isn't.
It isn't.
It's not, okay?
You, you know, to say that you're cursed is just, you're just passing the buck.
It's like, no, we don't know what the fuck we're doing and we need help.
It's not the curse of Bobby Lane.
What, because he left a little disgruntled?
Yeah, you get rid of me, you're never going to win again.
And then some old lady, I heard he shed for 50 years.
And that's how it starts.
And Dan Shaughnessy writes a book about it and makes a bunch of money off the
misery.
That's what it should be his next book.
The Curse of Bobby.
Bobby Lane would come into the game fucking half in the bag.
He'd need hair of the dog after fucking the second quarter.
Going in halftime, not listening to the coach slap his fucking wife around.
And then he'd go out and he'd have a fourth quarter comeback.
You know?
And anyways, that's the way they told the story.
But I remember Greg Landry, Eric Hipple.
I remember Joey Harrington.
His whole fucking career, just running for his life.
You know, that's what's amazing.
You know, when you see, like, some of these people that are called buss.
Like, there should be, like, a consideration for the fucking team you went to.
You know what I mean?
Like, if Jimmy Johnson did not come into the fucking Dallas Cowboys
organization and make that Herschel Walker trade.
How long would have Troy Aikman lasted in the league?
The amount of hits that that guy took.
I mean, the first couple of seasons, the guy was on his back.
You can only take those hits for so long.
Now, I'm not saying Joey Eric did his fucking Troy Aikman.
I'm just saying.
Remember way back in the day when John Elway, the Baltimore Coats drafted him?
And he was, you know, and he was like, I'm not going to that fucking franchise.
And they go, what are you talking about?
He goes, I'd rather play baseball.
I'll go fucking play baseball for the Yankees.
You know?
Because you guys don't know what the fuck you're doing.
And I have one shot at th