Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-18
Uploaded: 2018-09-04T16:41:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-04. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
september 3rd 2018 what's going on how are you oh happy labor day to you
happy fucking labor day to you happy fucking labor day you cubicle dwelling
happy fucking labor day to you how many fucking podcasts are out there wishing
you
a happy labor day with an original song huh am i gonna get sued for saying that
in the podcasting
world in the podcasting stratosphere what are you guys doing today on labor day
what the fuck is
labor day anyways does this have something to do with the troops how hard they're
working
right and you're not doing shit because you're not wearing a uniform right huh
you fucking
civilian piece of shit don't you love how that's the vibe now how about a round
of applause for our
troops hey how about a round of applause for the rest of us paying the fucking
taxes you cunts
to this goddamn field trip over there that's never gonna fucking end until what
we bankrupt the whole
fucking thing and five cunts have all the money huh how about a round of
applause for us you rich
cunts chewing and screwing and leaving us with the fucking tab can i get on the
plane first every once
in a while you fucking assholes all right labor day labor day fucking meaning
labor day is a public holiday or day of festivities held in honor of working
people
in the united states and canada oh this ain't about your wife is it oh shots
fired
um on the first monday in september and in many countries on may 1st why do we
always have to be
different over here you know the whole fucking world's on the metric system the
whole fucking
world is is celebrating labor day on may 1st not america now we're on standard
september 1st
the rest of the world respecting the summer or at least the spring
here's your fucking day off at the end of the goddamn summer how many like you
gotta pack up the water skis
hey buddy you know that's about the ninth fucking negative thing you said about
the united states of
america i got one for you you got a fucking day off why don't you pack your
shit up and get the fuck out
see how you like it in some other fucking land
fucking mosquitoes the size of your fucking freckled bald head
you fucking orange motherfucker i got a good fucking mind
to get out of my truck and go over there and show you what's what
happy labor day dear america
all you fucking whining crying fucking snowflakes out there
bitching about global warming
you want to see warming how about my fucking nuts motherfucker
i'm a goddamn coal miner you understand me i'm a coal miner in 2018 why the
fuck would i want to go out and learn about solar power when i can continue
doing a fucking job that's obsolete
i don't give a fuck if i'm digging in a national park stepping on a fucking
bald eagle fucking head
all right if that's gonna put spam on my fucking table i'm gonna do it
and it's some orange
toupee wearing motherfucker with the goddamn red tie down his fucking knee he's
gonna do it for me and then goddamn it i'm gonna vote for
dear america
um
you know i always wonder what my neighbors think
you know how many people live in that house in are any of them in a good mood
oh jesus so it's labor day now let me ask you a question since it's a fucking
day off right
does your wife give you the day off huh
or does she want you to run around and do a bunch of goddamn jobs
that need to be done while she stays in the house doing god knows what
right
i was hoping we could get those boxes there
is that what you were hoping well god gave you a couple of arms and a back
start lifting there sweetheart
these fucking ladies i swear to god
it can you can you ever just sit down
what is a couch for
in their world other than to throw too many fucking pillows on it so you can't
even fucking sit down
and the second you it's like they know the second your fucking goddamn
ass hits the couch and your head's on the pillow and you grab the remote
to watch a little college football what happens
honey
sorry i am in a mood i'm actually a happy married guy i don't even know why i'm
doing this i'm just trying to make you guys laugh
all right because i've been in those relationships all right
my wife's cool as shit though you know the other night i was hanging out right
smoking a cigar
oh no i wasn't even supposed to hang out i ended up just fucking bartner called
me up
and we ended up hanging out and she's like you know she sent me the usual text
where are you
and i was like i'm down the comedy store i'm smoking a cigar with some buddies
of mine we did a spot
uh sorry and she goes
she goes no hang out with your friends have a good time
and i texted her back best wife ever
right
you can't complain if your wife does that once a fucking year
you're you
you got a gym
you know
and my wife consistently does that
unless you know a two three you know the next night when i went out again
i took a little four day vacation
is what i did here
as i stayed on my diet by the way
i had a couple little missteps here or there
but generally speaking i'm drinking a little fucking smoothie here
you know
i don't know what i'm doing
i gotta add some cardio
but you know something i got this fucking
shit bit out of me by some goddamn bugs i don't even know where
they always go after my left foot
you know
i'm like the fucking daniel day lewis of bug bites
my left foot
they just go after it
right now it is on
fire
you know
i literally have to put like some
that oxy 10 on it
and then i gotta put a sock on it
like so i won't scratch it
like you know when you put a fucking
the goddamn
i almost said chandelier
a fucking
lampshade
over a dog's fucking you know
so you can't turn around by itself
the problem is
that's what i should do
i should stick a fucking
one of those lampshades on my uh
on my ankle
but the problem is
i'm a goddamn human being
made
in the image
of our lord and savior jesus christ
so i have the ability
to figure out
how to take off
said lampshade
and start scratching
the fuck
out of my ankle
it was so bad the other night
it actually woke me up
like nothing could touch it
it was on fucking fire
and uh
dude these are next level
these are next level
global warming
fucking mosquitoes
all right
if you got a pair of jeans on
or dungarees
as they used to be called
they'll bite right through them
they don't give a shit
you know
i wish there could be
some assassin
fucking mosquitoes
right
and rather than just
biting regular old
fucking people
and giving them malaria
and that shit
like they could just
fucking just go find
one of those
bilderberg meetings
and just find
who the fuck
is in front of
all this goddamn
madness
sorry guys
i don't know
this is why
i don't watch
the fucking news
um
yeah
just going
100 million
fucking miles an hour
into the brick wall
and all these
fucking rich people
think that somehow
they're gonna have
a parachute
and i guess what
the rest of us
are all gonna die
is that what it is
oh bill
come on
it's a holiday
all right
all right
let's talk football here
let's talk football
bum bum bum bum bum
um
how about those
red socks
lost to the white
socks last night
eight to nothing
for the first time
we're actually kind
of playing like
500 ball
and i think it's
a great thing
i don't want to go
to the fucking
playoffs
not knowing what
losing feels like
like wait
what's this
are the wheels
coming off
i want to more
be like
oh yeah
this
we got out
of this
all right
sales still
on the disabled
list as far
as i know
and i don't
know if price
has uh
has pitched
since uh
he got hit
by that
comeback
liner off
his wrist
x-rays were
negative
we're doing
further
fucking
studies
so uh
we shall
see
we'll see
what's gonna
happen
last i saw
um
the astros
the team
to beat
the defending
world series
champions
getting zero
respect
out there
in houston
you know
you would think
that the baseball
team was as
fat as the
average person
in houston
and i don't
even fucking
wrinkle your
goddamn snout
up at me
if you fucking
live in houston
you guys went
back to back
you had a
goddamn dynasty
of being
fucking
uh
uh
nominated
a winning
the fattest
city in the
united states
of america
all right
and this is
the fattest
fucking country
evidently
okay you are
you are a fat
person's fatty
houston
down there
fucking
barbecue and
everything
aren't you
huh
do you know
i was just
i was actually
just in houston
there there is
not a
a juice
joint
in that
entire
city
lettuce
is illegal
this is
this is a
u.s.
city
okay
now are you
wondering why
they had that
biblical flood
down there
maybe god was
like this
this is a
level of
sloth
that i have
never seen
see that's
why there's
never a
flood out
here in
hollywood
okay
because we
are so
righteous
we
are so
living
day to
day
in his
image
in his
word
i want you
all right
now i want
you to close
your eyes
i want you
to close
your eyes
right now
and just
know that
jesus he
wants you to
live in
hollywood
he wants
you to go
there he
wants you
to do
some coke
he wants
you to get
a girlfriend
try to fuck
her friend
try to get
both of them
to fuck
you at the
same time
he wants
that
um sorry
that was
my joel
olstein
that's why
he didn't
open the
goddamn
doors
when that
flood
fucking
came in
so i
don't have
enough
fucking
what am i
fucking
jesus
gonna keep
pulling out
fucking
barbecued
fish for
these
people
i i
i don't
i simply
do not
have
enough
wafers
to
sustain
this
it's
gonna
be
a
riot
they
gonna
rip
up
my
blue
carpet
um
he was
content
to let
those
fatties
just float
right by
the arena
you know
what i would
have done
i would
have put
some
fucking
moorings
is that
what you
call
those
things
to get
dock a
boat
to
i would
have
thrown
some
rope
out
there
and
just
had
those
fatties
fucking
you know
out
there
like
a
bunch
of
dinghies
until
the
water
came
down
i mean
what
was
joel
olsteen
supposed
to do
okay
joel
olsteen's
in shape
he lives
in houston
you know
why that
is
it's
a miracle
i tell
you
i saw
the image
of a
skinny
joel
olsteen
in my
pop tart
the other
day
when i
was in
downtown
houston
you ever
take two
pop tarts
you heat
them up
and you
stick a
glazed
donut in
the middle
of it
of course
you don't
you don't
live in
houston
you ain't
about this
life
um
i had to
drink smoothies
more before
i do a
podcast
i have
incredible
energy
and a
new level
of disrespect
for a lot
of things
dude my
fucking foot
my fucking
foot is
driving me
nuts
and then i
got i got a
bug bite on
the back of
my arm
and then i
got another
one on my
lower back
like just to
the right
of where a
tramp stamp
would be
did i ever
tell you guys
i was dumb
enough to get
one of those
in the 90s
i did i got a
boston
brewing stamp
trap
you know
and it said
real men wear
black and i
had that right
above my
ass and i
had to i
had to work
so hard
i'm sorry
in stand-up
to finally be
able to afford
enough money
to begin
my laser
treatments to
remove it
i know a lot
of you probably
always wondered
why i never
wore a half
shirt on
stage
well that
is why
okay
i mean i
guess my
big fault
is that i'm
a hockey fan
okay there
i said it
um did you
guys watch
any college
football yesterday
how about
college football
just taking
over this
weekend the
way the
nfl does
towards the
end of the
year the
nfl doesn't
give a fuck
that you got
christmas shopping
gonna do
they don't
care that
you got
you're jewish
and you
gotta buy
fuck was
it eight
gifts nine
gifts for
each fucking
person right
is that candle
fucking goes
candle number
one what do
you got well
how do you do
it jewish
people do
you do you
do you build
do you build
up the gifts
that's why you
gotta do it
right you
gotta start
with the
weakest thing
you got
right what
do you got
i got a
pair of socks
you know
and you
just gradually
build the
whole outfit
up
um
just shopping
for kwanzaa
right the nfl
does not
give a
fuck
come the
end of the
year they
like we
own all
the weekends
we're taking
all the
fucking money
all right
we're showing
games on
saturday that
we thought
were gonna
matter but
don't
we're kicking
off the nfl
season this
thursday
this t